How Far Have I Come?

It was one year ago today that I started this blog. It feels like I was a whole different person then. I started this blog because I was trying to deal with all the emotions that were washing over me as I started to contemplate an affair with J. Over the last year, I've learned a lot about myself, and about relationships, and about how much gray there is between the black and the white.

In the past year, I've crossed boundaries I never expected to cross, and done things that surprised even me. I've blown myself away sometimes at the impetuous decisions I find that I can all too comfortably make in the heat of the moment. Then again I've blown myself away sometimes at how I think and think and think and try to make decisions and waffle and fail to make decisions or stick to those that are made.

So am I better off or worse off than when I started this blog a year ago? For the most part I would say better off. I am no longer despairingly depressed. I no longer feel as helpless as I did a year ago.

Things I have learned about myself in the past year:

1. I am resilient. I can bounce back when necessary.
2. I am a good liar. Now, I didn't say I was proud of that, but I have learned that I haven't lost my touch from my teen days of lying about my whereabouts.
3. I am capable of taking care of myself. Boy, this one I really didn't believe, but living pretty much on my own the last couple of months has convinced me that if I have to I can make it on my own.
4. I don't have to settle for whoever wants me. Nope, I found out that it isn't so difficult to attract men so I no longer feel frantic to hold onto one.
5. My compassion for W is what prevents me from leaving W even though I can honestly say I don't really love him anymore. Even if he is a royal pain in the butt, I feel some obligation to him.
6. I am capable of making real life friendships. Who knew? Basically, it took me somehow being willing to get over myself, or at least my lousy self-image, and believe that I am someone worthy of friendship.
7. One of the most important things I learned this year: It was not a mistake to leave J all those years ago. It may have been a mistake to run off with W, but J was not, and is not, the man for me. If I hadn't spent time with J in this past year I would have always wondered. Now I have put those speculations to rest. J and I will be lifelong friends. We make great friends, but we aren't ever going to be anything more than that.

I am optimistic (for the moment) about the future. I believe that as long as I continue to work toward a life for myself that is happy and fulfilling and filled with love I will eventually get there. BJ and I will be together permanently someday, somehow. The path just hasn't shown itself yet. It will. I'm confident that it will.