Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Anybody Got a Spare One of These Around?


Yes, that would be a backbone, a spine, the thing that I seem to not have when it comes to dealing with the issues at hand. I caved. . . again. . . I admitted in counseling tonight that I'm tempted to just give up, give in and agree to stay just to keep the peace, just to not hurt W more, just to not have to deal with it anymore by closing my eyes, shutting up and hanging in there.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Jello has a firmer backbone than I have.

Back to the deep dark pit of self pity. . .

6 comments:

Fiona said...

I can only hope your counsellor could see what's happening adn rose to the occasion. And you did say 'I'm tempted'...not that you have caved in.

*straps a rod to your back*

Another thing, find out what is YOUR best time of day, when you're feeling most positive and alert, and schedule these meetings around that. Not at the end of a long, tiring day when you're worn down to start with.

Take charge, even if it does mean time off work if it's 10am or 3pm for you, THIS is the most important thing. THIS is your future.

Serenity said...

I don't see anything wrong with admitting that there is an easy road, that you do see both sides of the argument, that fatigue is talking when you want to give in. But admitting it is a great deal different from doing it.
Nothing's wrong with you, you are simply human. Join the club.
Your self-flagellation drives me completely mental, my dear. I so very much wish you could just take a step back for a moment and be objective: you are in a situation that no one -NO ONE- could solve easily, cleanly, painlessly. Yet you insist on beating yourself up for not acting.
Cut yourself some slack. When God, or the universe, knows the time is right, you will know the time is right. Until then, be kind to your own self, wouldja?

freebird said...

And when you find a good backbone shop, order two will ya? ;-)

Jaded Bunny said...

You are so wasting your life.

Just wasting it.

Uhave said...

Awww geez! Stop going to counseling for Christ's Sake!

Trueself said...

Fiona - You're right. I didn't truly cave just admitted to feeling like I want to cave sometimes.

Serenity - Not meaning to drive you mental, really. Yet I do hold the title "Queen of Self-Flagellation." My mom once told me that I am so hard on myself and feel so much guilt that I ought to be Catholic or Jewish. Of course, Mom tends to be just ever so slightly bigoted.

FB - Yes, indeed, when I order mine I'll order a good stiff one for you too.

JB - Yes, I realize that. That's one of the reasons I blog, to work through it in my own mind. Can't tell you how many times I've gone back and reread something I wrote and gotten inspiration to make one more forward step.

Uhave - I'm afraid if we weren't in counseling we wouldn't talk about the situation at all, and we've got to talk about or there never will be any forward movement of any kind. But thanks for sharing from a different perspective.