Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Independence Day

Nineteen years ago today W and I were married. For those that don't know the story and don't have access to my other blog, here's the Cliff's Notes version:

Once W’s divorce from his first wife was final, he was ready to marry me. He proposed. I declined. Over the next couple of months we repeated this procedure a few more times. W then stopped proposing. Being insecure and afraid I might have lost my only chance at wedded bliss I proposed by suggesting getting married the very next weekend. W, who had all but given up on me ever agreeing to get married, wasn’t about to turn down the chance to snag me permanently and said yes.

The following weekend was a three day weekend as July 4 fell on a Monday that year. We took the train on Sunday morning up to Reno. We were married in a small cheesy chapel at midnight on July 4. We were married. We spent the night in a hotel in Reno, but no sex was had that night. Perhaps I should have seen that as a sign. On Monday morning, we rode the train home. W went to work the next day. Life went on just as it had before.

If you do have access to my other blog (email me if you'd like access but don't have it) you can see the full post here with all the gory and humorous detail.

Nineteen years. We've had good times. We've had bad times. We've had misunderstandings and disagreements aplenty. We have not had good resolutions to most of our misunderstandings and disagreements. As I matured I grew out of the young go-with-the-flow-and-accept-and-adopt-his-position-on-all-things person that I was when he and I met. As he aged, he became more bitter and angry.

I checked the marriage license for an expiration date but no luck. Apparently, even in Nevada they don't make it that easy for you.

There seems to be a certain synergy in ending a marriage on the same day it began. It also seems that Independence Day lends itself more to being the day someone would declare their independence from a marriage rather than for getting married. Anyway, I'm leaning towards having "the big talk" tonight at dinner. My hands are clammy just typing this, and my heart is pounding. I don't know if I can go through with it or not.

Just remember, this year not all the fireworks on the Fourth of July may be happy ones. Think of me and W as you watch those fireworks tonight. The sounds you hear may be covering the screaming and wailing.

Like the Dixie Chicks, I am not ready to give up. I'm not ready to give in. I will not make nice with W anymore.


Al Laddin said...


May fortune smile on you today.

mia said...

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Nutty Man said...

I see, your at the line in the sand. Let not your heart be troubled,say what you must to let W know it's over, stick to your guns,don't back down and as always you have a sholder her to cry on here.

Fiona said...

I hope this time, you go through with it. To take at least one step that is yours and which you own totally. A commitment to your own future TS.

I'll be thinking of you and I agree that there is some kind of synergy, a closure of the circle, by doing it on your anniversary.

Be strong, your future (and your future happiness) belongs to you.

BJ said...

You know how I feel baby. Positive vibes coming your way. Whenever it happens I wanna know.

freebird said...

For many many years I've found wedding anniversaries very difficult to deal with. If that is the case with you I see it as a very natural time to have the big talk. I was going to say 'appropriate' but I suppose you need to be where you and I seem to be to quite understand that (might it seem very *inappropriate* to an outsider?). Anyway I hope you find the courage to do what you clearly need to do. My thoughts are with you TS. Happy Independence Day!