I am a failure.
I am too weak to escape my hell here on earth.
The black hole of depression is swallowing me again.
Is suicide the only escape?
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THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Anyone under 18 should leave immediately. This blog started as a place to chronicle my attempt at rekindling a long ago romance in spite of the fact that we were both married to others but evolved into a journal of my sexual revolution and now what is hopefully my maturation into a fully functional adult.
Just Who Do I Think I Am?
- Trueself
- A Little Place I Call Home, Midwest, United States
- I'm a middle-aged woman going through a midlife crisis. Sometimes I wonder if I'll live through it. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
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Posts
Countdowns
First anniversary of Mom's death.
Words to Live By
- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box. -- Unknown
- Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, mess or not. -- BJ
- The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.
- You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
- Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -- Plato
- Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. -- Matthew 7:1-5
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Who's Who in Trueself's World
- Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
- N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
- J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
- W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
- Freud - My therapist
- Dr K - My psychiatrist, the one who medicates me when the talk therapy with Freud just isn't enough
- Boss - My previous supervisor who used to scare the shit out of me and now I only find mildly annoying on most days.
- Snow White - A coworker, also psycho
- Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
- FU - My brother; the initials here may or may not represent what I would like to tell him most of the time
- FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
- Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
- Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
- RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
- TS2 - Former housemate who just so happens to have the same first name as I do. She drove W & N crazy, and sometimes me a little bit too, but the extra income from her rent sure helped.
- M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
- BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
- D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
- C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
- Q - W's girlfriend while he and I were separated
- H, K, & S - Guys I met online who shared with me various levels of adult type fun from time to time
- G & L - Guys I met online that went nowhere
- R & V - Women I met online that went nowhere
- T - J's second ex-wife
- If an actual name is used instead of just a letter it is generally not the real name but a name made up to protect anonymity.
Where Did You Say That Is?
- LNJ - Where I currently live (stands for Location of New Job)
- LOH - Where I lived before (stands for Location of Old Home)
- ST1 - Small Town 1, where I was born and where my grandparents lived
- TV1 - Tiny Village 1, where I spent infancy and a few years after TV2
- TV2 - Tiny Village 2, where I lived during toddlerhood
- TV3 - Tiny Village 3, where I spent most of my elementary school years
- ST2 - Small Town 2, where I lived during the high school/college years
An Eclectic Mix of Really Fine Blogs
- 2AMSomewhere
- Al Laddin Sayne
- All of Her Secrets
- An East Wind
- Attack of the Redneck Mommy
- Cassandra's Korner
- Code Name D.A.D.
- Crazy in Love
- Dad's Life
- Desperate Husband
- Down the Rabbit Hole
- Emily's Post
- Fade to Numb
- Finding My Way
- Foolish Mutterings
- For a Different Kind of Girl
- Freebird Flying
- Gotta Go My Own Way
- Gray?
- Her Bad Mother's Basement
- Hyperbole and a Half
- I Should've Been Famous By Now
- Illinois Loyalty
- Incurable
- Karin's Korner
- Living in the Kingdom
- Love, Couples, and Kink
- My Journey of Self Discovery
- Never Judge a Book by Its Cover
- Nightside Jonny
- Nutty Man
- Ordinary Guy, Strange Life
- Over Forty Married Sex
- PeaceBang
- Phyllis Renée
- Polyamorously Perverse
- Reality and Redemption
- Running in the Yard
- She Just Walks Around with It
- Spinning in Control
- Stories 2 Tell
- The Eyes Have It
- The Web of Language
- Unsolicited Advice
- Unspoken Drama
- Welcome to the Spectrum
- Will She Be Back?
- randomblink
Deep Dark Topics
- Sex (146)
- Marriage (117)
- Depression (102)
- Mental Health (97)
- Counseling (93)
- Stupidity (89)
- Ramblings (87)
- Love (86)
- Adultery (84)
- Music (74)
- Quizzes (71)
- Emotions (66)
- Family Fun (65)
- Parenting (64)
- Tears (63)
- Health (59)
- Friendship (57)
- Miscellany for no good reason (52)
- Scary Stuff (49)
- Breaking Up is Hard to Do (48)
- Liking Myself (42)
- Human Relations (39)
- Disappointment (38)
- Lists (37)
- History (36)
- Secrets (36)
- Politics (33)
- Whines (33)
- Taking Care of Me (29)
- emails (28)
- Death (26)
- Humor (25)
- It's a Weird World (24)
- Sleepless Nights (23)
- Polls (22)
- Fairy Tales (21)
- Lies (21)
- Moving On (21)
- Confusion (20)
- Frustration (20)
- What I Did on Summer Vacation (18)
- Bi Fun (17)
- Hate (16)
- Addiction (15)
- Taking Advantage of Others (15)
- Bitch Extraordinaire (14)
- Crazy is as Crazy Does (14)
- Insecurity (14)
- Wild Speculations (14)
- Good Times (13)
- Opinions I Ought to Keep to Myself (12)
- Mysteries (11)
- STD (11)
- Weight Weight Don't Tell Me (10)
- Haiku (6)
- Gratitude (5)
- The Moving Story That Wouldn't Die (4)
- OCD (2)
Deep Dark Archives
-
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2007
(382)
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July
(35)
- Interesting
- Rocks, Hard Places and Catch 22s
- Time is up
- Rant – Part VI
- Rant – Part V
- Thanks Horoscope, I Needed That
- Rant – Part IV
- Rant – Part III
- Rant – Part II
- And Now – A Rant, Pt. I
- Dreams, Perhaps not so Sweet
- So Many Thoughts
- Another Horoscope
- This is so me!
- Yeah, I'm Just the Female Will Ferrell
- Back to Perspective
- Anybody Got a Spare One of These Around?
- Whole Lotta Nothing
- Head Close to Exploding
- Sometimes Clarity Shines Through
- Ick
- New Thoughts
- All Quiet on the Midwestern Front
- Well, I found this fascinating
- What the Inkblots Say
- A Question of Faith
- Beginning of the End
- Just Because I Need a Laugh
- We Do Not Talk
- What's Stopping Me?
- No, I Won't Do It
- Couldn't Do It
- Independence Day
- Answers
- New Shoes
-
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July
(35)
49% Geek, 82% Nerd
Makes Sense to Me
You aren't paranoid if people really are out to get you
7 comments:
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!
TS, NO!!!!
What stopped you this time? Fear of hurting him? Fear of the unknown? Fear of the future falling down on you?
Talk to us....please talk to us.
Hugs
One word, or in this case one letter: N . Don't even go there, don't even look down that road because he needs you, so just suck it up for his sake, i'm not trying to be mean, but you need to keep the most important person in your life first and foremost right now. don't mess him up. please.
hugs from me too.
NO! Absolutely not an option. Get that thought outta your head right now. You CAN DO THIS.
You tell her BJ.....I believe she can too. Nothing wrong with a few false starts.
Darn it fiona, you took the words right out of my fingers!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Fer gosh sakes Tru...it's not like your canning the gardener. It'll happen. You've put the manifestation in play. It'll happen.
What can I say TS? What the others said, and adding hugs from me.
I believe this is exactly how Mr E felt a few weeks ago when he just couldn't take what appeared to everybody else to be the perfect opportunity handed to him on a plate. But I'm still standing by him and BJ is still standing by you. Thank god you're both still here.
Don't let anyone pressure you, but accept support where it's offered - and from where I'm standing it looks like you've got plenty of friends who care enough to see you through this. We're here for you, TS.
Hi Truey, I would like to add my voice to those saying dont even think about the s-word.
I beg you, get professional help!!
I know from experience that depressed or cornered people are not always rational, but try to see this for what it is.
A temporary setback to a Lady who is basically having problems cuz she is too nice to tell her deficient and sometimes dastardly husband the truth.
You have been nice about this for a long time. I know guilt seems programmed into you, as does the feeling its all your responsibility to make things work out.
You owe him nothing at this point, and you are not going to hurt your son by leaving.
BUT, if you cant bring yourself to tell him now, its not the end of happiness forever.
You have a man who adores you, a kid who adores you, and friends. You will be good in the long run. In the short run you will be OK.
Dont think less of you cuz you did nto tell him. Dont put that kind of prssure on you, you deserve respect and ACCEPTANCE where you are at now, that includes FROM YOU.
Peace and serenity to you Truey!!
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