Thursday, July 05, 2007

What's Stopping Me?

From divorcing/separating from W
The overwhelming feeling that I will be devastating him (because he has told me this over and over and over) by leaving him and the fear of not being able to bear the guilt of that.
I still care enough to want him to be okay even if I don't want the responsibility of making sure that he is okay.

From suicide
N needs me.
Being the total screw up that I am, I would end up not dead but in interminable pain.
There's just something a bit too final about it.

As a kid when I felt this overwhelmed I used to go sit in my closet with the lights off with my knees pulled up to my chin, hugging my legs to me, curled in the tightest ball I could form. As an adult, I don't have that luxury. I'm at work, sitting in my cubicle, feeling so sick to my stomach I feel like I could vomit at any moment. I am devastatingly disappointed in myself and my failure yesterday. . .

3 comments:

Al Laddin said...

C'mon TS...that was just the first shot. In baseball a hitter is considered really good if they FAIL 70 out of 100 times.

You've set this in motion in the universe. Please...it will happen. Have faith. Trust.

Fiona said...

I don't want to sound harsh but...

1. W is using emotional blackmail. He managed just fine with you in another location when you moved. It can still be like that, friendship but not marriage. If you can't tell him this alone, surely your counsellor can help you get through it by your side.

2. Suicide isn't 'a bit too final'...it IS final. So for goodness sake stop that talk, if only for the sake of N.

3. If you feel you need to vomit, go and do it TS. You'll feel better if you can get the bile out.

4. Get some more help, you need someone to talk with professionally, at length, not us out here like this. Please.

Please TS. Hugs.

Finished Last said...

Ditto everything Fiona said. if you need a sounding board I am only an e mail away. Prayers and hugs dear.