Thursday, July 12, 2007

New Thoughts

Well, one of the possibilities that I realized was there but tried to ignore has placed itself squarely in front of me. BJ might not get a job here, or close to here. He might end up living just as far, or farther, from me than he does now.

I've been feeling an odd distance between BJ and me lately that has nothing whatsoever to do with geography. So it has led me to some new thoughts. Maybe the thoughts aren't really new but just bringing forward some thoughts that have been there for a while.

Am I a crutch for BJ to help him do what he needed to do in finally leaving his marriage? From what I know from him of his marriage he definitely needed to get out, probably should have never gotten in to begin with. But somehow he was stuck, unable to make that move. Was the promise of something better waiting for him the thing that was needed to make him make that move? Now that he has had the courage to make that move will I continue to be important enough to him for him to want to spend his life with me?

On the other hand is BJ a crutch for me to help me do what I need to do in finally leaving my marriage? I do believe that I need to get out, that this relationship is sucking the life out of me. But I've been stuck, unable to make that move. Would I be making this move without BJ in the picture?

Hmm, such a quandry. I am so thrilled with my new job here. I love my new house. I love the community. I don't want to ever move away from here. I am comfortable here and feel at home here, having spent much of my childhood in this general area. So what if BJ as a job opportunity of a lifetime hundreds of miles away? I wouldn't want him to pass that up. I also know that I would not move from here. I went through too many jobs that I didn't like to get to my dream job to give it up now that I've got it. BJ deserves to have the same, a job that he loves as much as I love mine.

Where's it all going? I don't have any idea. I do know that no matter how BJ and I as a couple end up, I still need to leave W. I will split from W no matter what is happening with BJ and me. BJ is NOT my reason for leaving W. My unhappiness in the relationship is my reason for leaving W.

I hope BJ is part of my future. I hope somehow he can find a suitable job fairly close to me. I guess part of me wishes I could say that I'd move wherever he does find a job, but that isn't going to happen. I'm happy here. I don't want to move again, and I won't.


freebird said...

TS, you know you just get better and better! Some of what you say here is exactly what I've been thinking for you as well as for me. The big difference between us is that you've got N, another good reason to stay on that track and establish yourself regardless of whether BJ is going to be part of your future or not.

Karin's Korner said...

I agree with freebird, I know that you have feelings for BJ, but he is not and cannot be the reason that you leave. He might be the one that helped you along in the process and that is ok, but he cannot be the reason. You do not want to count on him to be there once you leave. Remember how much you liked being alone...ahhhhh I remember that :). Not that I am not totally in love with David, just that I loved the being totally alone part, the part where when you leave for the day and when you come home everything is exactly where you left it, your house is exactly the way you left it. I loved that part. But, enough about me. I am proud of you. You have come so far, Don't turn back now. It is time....time for you to be happy.

Trueself said...

FB - Isn't that something? Yes, I am getting better all the time. Who knew I could actually pull myself together? lol

Karin - Oh yes, I very much remember how much I liked being alone, and if alone is how I stay for a while, or even a long while, then that will be fine.

Fiona said...

Like so many splits, I don't think you or BJ were the cause of the failure of your relationships, but each of you has more than likely been the catalyst to make the changes.

As for refusing to move to be with the one you love, isn't that what it's all about, there being some sacrifices along the way? Hell I'm willing to change countries to be with the man I love, to go through god knows what rigmarole to make it happen and at the end of it to live in what to me will be a foreign country. I'm not only willing to do it, I'd jump at the chance tomorrow, if it was possible.

Love isn't always 'convenient'. Are you now questioning the level of love you two share hon?

Bunny said...

You are right to not want to move again. If nothing else, N doesn't need that. You are happy there, you should stay. If BJ can't find something near you, perhaps it was not meant to be. You will be fine either way, because you are strong. You go grrll!!

Fiona said...

A job won't keep you warm at night, a job won't be there when things are tough and you need a shoulder, a job won't make love to you as though it's the only thing that matters, a job won't fulfill your need to be cherished.

You're a smart, talented professional. You'll get another job. Ideal job, maybe not, but a job which will pay for the material things in life.

Being with the person you love is what makes life worth living. I'm not forgetting about N, he deserves an all-round happy mum.

If you walk away from BJ because you simply don't want to move, will you be an all-round happy woman TS?

Trueself said...

Fiona - Thanks for sharing your perspective. I do value what you say, and I can honestly say I've been there and done that. Quit my job and followed W at the beginning of our relationship. I love BJ. I really do, and no matter what distance there is that love will not be less. However, I just feel that at this point in my life, I'm not going to move again. I discussed my most recent move with BJ before taking the job. He was 100% in support of it, and he has been very excited about the prospect of moving here himself. Now, if he can't find a good job here, then what? I don't know, but I do know I'm not leaving now that I feel really and truly at home. This is home.

Bunny - I can't imagine uprooting N again. That is just not okay. He needs stability, as much stability as can be provided under the circumstance of W and me divorcing. It would definitely sadden me to have to live without BJ, but I'd get through it. N has to remain my biggest priority, and he will.