Yes, I feel as though my head is about to explode from the overload this weekend of pressure from W about finding a way to make things work for us.
The biggest problem I see in that is that every single time he asks me what he needs to differently, and I tell him exactly what he would need to do differently, he just gets very, very sad. I think that is because he realizes that he can't, or won't, make the changes that would be required for me to find this relationship to be satisfactory, or even tolerable. Yet he still persists in begging me to stay with him. He does not want to be just friends with me. He wants to be husband and wife. He does not want me to have the freedom to have other relationships with men. But when I tell him that my perception is that all I am to do is to sit around and wait and be there when he wants me or needs me to do something for him, he pouts. He has no dispute for this. He cannot come up with what more he wants from me for I've repeatedly asked. He says he just wants me to be me. No he doesn't. He doesn't want me to be me. He wants me to be the me he holds in his mind. He wants me to be the pushover, the adoring younger woman in awe of the successful older man. Well, that's a falacy if there ever was one. We've lived on my salary since one year into the marriage. He has contributed little in a monetary way to our relationship because most of his retirement income goes back out to his first wife in alimony. Oh sure, he gets his monthly stipend from his mother's trust but that is HIS money to play with. I never even get to know where that money goes or what he spends it on although the evidence is pretty clear that too much goes into get rich quick schemes. The awe has been gone for a long time. I've tried to make this a partnership, but there are too many pieces of ourselves that have become off limits to one another through the years for it to be a partnership. We are two individuals, living individual lives to a great extent, but without the freedom to truly live individual lives.
Sorry for the rambling. It's been a long weekend. . .
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6 comments:
Oh yes, aside from the money stuff I so relate to this, right down to the 'two individuals' part.
I sometimes even wonder if we could have an agreement that we actually are officially room-mates, with 'permission' to live truly individual lives so that at least his world wouldn't be totally shattered, but of course that's never going to be realistic.
No it's good rambling so keep doing it. Keep clarifying these things in your mind, and out loud, til they make more sense than anything else. There isn't anything left to stay for you know...
Keep strong TS, keep moving forward. Don't let him try to backtrack you for his own selfish reasons. As serenity said, this is good rambling, thinking out loud in a way. With every thought examined, you take one more step into strength and conviction that you are doing the right thing. You are.
Definitely keep rambling. This is what will keep your head from exploding. If anyone comes along and objects to what you write, tell them they can pound sand and find other people to annoy. For now just be who you want to be and let others worry about their own lives.
TAG
FB - "I sometimes even wonder if we could have an agreement that we actually are officially room-mates, with 'permission' to live truly individual lives so that at least his world wouldn't be totally shattered, but of course that's never going to be realistic." Amen to that. I've had that exact same thought.
Serenity, Fiona, Tag - Yes, I'll definitely keep rambling. It's the only thing that I sometimes think separates me from insanity.
Amen, amen, amen!
Don't have the energy or the courage to blog about it now, but it's sad when on a long road trip w/your current husband, you have the closest-thing-resembling a normal, spontaneous, ENJOYABLE conversation w/your ex (by cell phone). Aiiiiigh.
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