Beginning of the End

Well, as they say, it is always darkest before the dawn. Looks like dawn is here.

After a week with N at camp, and our beautiful (WARNING: sarcasm) anniversary celebration, and diving into the depths of depression, W and I left on Friday to drive to my parents' house for the weekend so we could pick N up from camp on Saturday. I resigned myself to not having "THE TALK" at least until next week, hopefully during our marrige counseling session on Tuesday evening. The drive was uneventful, with me playing my new CD by Bowling For Soup as we made our way towards the weekend.

We stopped for dinner. As I have been doing for some time now, I brought up our relationship. I asked if he didn't feel like we were just treading water. No, he doesn't feel that way. He mentioned he'd been catching up on my blog (by which he means the other one, the one about which he knows). I asked how much he'd been reading. Very light conversation. Just as dinner arrived, I turned it back to the relationship. I asked him exactly what it is that I do that makes him want to keep me around? Total silence ensued. Not one word was spoken for the remainder of dinner. My kneejerk reaction was to apologize for pushing too hard and try to make nice. HOWEVER, I sat there wordlessly, deciding that to do so would send incorrect signals, that once again I would be too nice and back off of my expressions of my true feelings.

We left the restaurant still having said nothing. We got in the car and I switched to my new Dixie Chicks CD. We rode quietly, the music in the background. My favorite song, "Not Ready to Make Nice" came on. A few phrases into the song W says, "So do you want me to move out?" Again, the kneejerk reaction was to play nice say no and back down. HOWEVER, instead I moved the discussion back to my earlier question. We talked for a bit, and eventually I told him that yes I want him to move out. During the discussion he again brought up my blog and that he realized from some things he read that we needed to call it quits. I asked what specifically led him to that (fearing he'd found this blog). He brought up an entry I had made on my other blog that I didn't even realize would have led him to his conclusion. We talked practicalities for a bit, and as we neared my parents' house we discussed tabling the discussion for the weekend. No need telling my parents until we're more sure of the details of what we're doing. Also, we want to tell N first, and we don't really want to tell him until we have more concrete plans about where W will move and that sort of thing.

There have been no further discussions of the topic. The air was a bit tense between us this weekend, but that's not so unusual so I don't think anyone thought much of it. We did still sleep in the same bed at my parents' house which was rather uncomfortable, but we lived through it.

So we have begun the end of it all. I don't know how quickly or slowly it will all happen. At least it's out there.

I had a really really hard time not smiling a lot this weekend. I am so happy we're going to bring this all to an end.

Whew!