Sunday, July 08, 2007

Beginning of the End

Well, as they say, it is always darkest before the dawn. Looks like dawn is here.

After a week with N at camp, and our beautiful (WARNING: sarcasm) anniversary celebration, and diving into the depths of depression, W and I left on Friday to drive to my parents' house for the weekend so we could pick N up from camp on Saturday. I resigned myself to not having "THE TALK" at least until next week, hopefully during our marrige counseling session on Tuesday evening. The drive was uneventful, with me playing my new CD by Bowling For Soup as we made our way towards the weekend.

We stopped for dinner. As I have been doing for some time now, I brought up our relationship. I asked if he didn't feel like we were just treading water. No, he doesn't feel that way. He mentioned he'd been catching up on my blog (by which he means the other one, the one about which he knows). I asked how much he'd been reading. Very light conversation. Just as dinner arrived, I turned it back to the relationship. I asked him exactly what it is that I do that makes him want to keep me around? Total silence ensued. Not one word was spoken for the remainder of dinner. My kneejerk reaction was to apologize for pushing too hard and try to make nice. HOWEVER, I sat there wordlessly, deciding that to do so would send incorrect signals, that once again I would be too nice and back off of my expressions of my true feelings.

We left the restaurant still having said nothing. We got in the car and I switched to my new Dixie Chicks CD. We rode quietly, the music in the background. My favorite song, "Not Ready to Make Nice" came on. A few phrases into the song W says, "So do you want me to move out?" Again, the kneejerk reaction was to play nice say no and back down. HOWEVER, instead I moved the discussion back to my earlier question. We talked for a bit, and eventually I told him that yes I want him to move out. During the discussion he again brought up my blog and that he realized from some things he read that we needed to call it quits. I asked what specifically led him to that (fearing he'd found this blog). He brought up an entry I had made on my other blog that I didn't even realize would have led him to his conclusion. We talked practicalities for a bit, and as we neared my parents' house we discussed tabling the discussion for the weekend. No need telling my parents until we're more sure of the details of what we're doing. Also, we want to tell N first, and we don't really want to tell him until we have more concrete plans about where W will move and that sort of thing.

There have been no further discussions of the topic. The air was a bit tense between us this weekend, but that's not so unusual so I don't think anyone thought much of it. We did still sleep in the same bed at my parents' house which was rather uncomfortable, but we lived through it.

So we have begun the end of it all. I don't know how quickly or slowly it will all happen. At least it's out there.

I had a really really hard time not smiling a lot this weekend. I am so happy we're going to bring this all to an end.

Whew!

10 comments:

BJ said...

I knew you could do it baby!

Fiona said...

well done TS....I'm proud of you finding that strength and you were so right not to make it easier for W by 'rescuing' him when the conversation got difficult.

Keep strong...don't let him start to manipulate you.

You have a future and a life to live, you deserve some happiness in it.

Hugs and a smile too!

Unspoken Drama said...

Big Hugs, TS!! I am so proud of you...I knew you could do this. One step at a time...you will get there. Good job on staying strong, I know how easy it would have been to just cave and back down. I've lived it over and over again.

Drama

Al Laddin said...

A big warm enveloping virtual hug. I am just so happy for you...and you handled it so well.

Like fiona said...stay on point...seriously, EVERYBODY...even W will be better off.

freebird said...

Gosh! This all sounds so like me/us (and there was I thinking I was unique!).
I'm so happy to hear that you're smiling! Well done, TS.
Beware though, that it is all too easy to slip back into the 'treading water' situation - I know because that's where I seem to be again even though I thought the hardest part had been dealt with.
Keep on track and things can only get better. I'm so looking forward to hearing that you've reached your goal.

leavesdr said...

Congratulations TS I am so pleased and happy for you. I hope the practicalities work out easily and that W is able to find something suitable for him still to have a good strong relationship with N.

Bunny said...

Wow - so it's out there. Beware, however, as this may be the calm before the storm. Having practiced "domestic relations" law for 8 years, I've seen things deteriorate drastically from this point. Keep on your toes.

Trueself said...

BJ - I know, you've said it all along, and you and I are both moving in the right direction.

Fiona - Thanks for cheering me on through thick and thin. Yes, I must stay strong. I know the tough times aren't over but in some ways are just beginning.

Drama - Yes, I knew you'd understand the difficulties I've had, but as you also understand it finally comes to a point where you just can't "play nice" anymore.

Al - Thanks. Yes, surprisingly enough I did handle it well, very well for someone who likes to fill every silence with words of some sort. It was better, though, to allow some silent places rather than trying to make it all okay, because the truth of the matter is that it very definitely is NOT all okay.

FB - Ah, yes, our lives do seem to run parallel in many ways. I know what you mean by not allowing the treading water to become standard operating procedure. I've got to keep this process moving forward, and I intend to do so although I'll bet we do it in fits and starts with plenty of frustrating moments along the way. I've just got to keep in mind that it is all part of the process and go with it.

Leavesdr - Thanks for the well wishes. I too hope we iron out the details in such way that N is always at the top of the priority list. I know I'll keep him there. I pray that W will also.

Bunny - Wow is a great way to describe my feelings on the subject! I definitely understand and will heed your warning. I am well aware that W can turn 180 degrees on a dime in attitude so I will definitely stay on my toes.

Karin's Korner said...

I am so very very proud of you :) I knew you could do it. My advise now would be to keep on top of it, if you don't things will go back to the way they were. You are going to have to push W out the door, so to speak. If he does not start looking for another place to live then you will have to do that and just present him with what you have found, suggest that you both go and look at the place etc. Just hang in there, your dreams are coming.....finally :)

Trueself said...

Karin - Thanks. I'm proud of me too! I will definitely keep on top of it. I've already checked on a few places where he might live and will present those to him if he makes no move to do it himself soon. I will NOT let things go back to how they have been.
Must . Keep . Moving . Forward.