Thursday, July 05, 2007

We Do Not Talk

Why does he want me here?
What does he get from this relationship?
I sit in one room.
He sits in another.
We do not talk.

What connections are left?
We share a son.
We disagree on how to raise him.
We’ve given up persuading one another to our points of view.
We do not talk.

Where is our common ground?
About what do we agree?
I want to pay off the house.
He wants to invest and keep the mortgage.
We do not talk.

What is in this for him?
Does he want my paycheck?
Does he want my presence?
What is it that he wants?
We do not talk.

Why does he beg me to stay?
Why is staying good enough?
Even though I stay I am not his.
Even though I stay there is no connection.
We do not talk.

How do I move on?
Why do I feel I must persuade him that it is best for all?
I need to do things for me.
I need to break free.
We do not talk.

8 comments:

BJ said...

How? Just do it. Sometimes in life we have to stop thinking about it and do what is in our best interests. We just have to suck it up and do it. No agonizing over what may or may not happen afterwards. If we know in our hearts something is the right thing to do to keep ourselves whole we have simply got to find a way to get it done. NO MATTER WHAT.

Nutty Man said...

TS
I can answer your questions but the answers wont help you my friend. In a nut shell he is scared to go it alone. I wish there was a easy answer. I wish I could wave my hand and your pain would leave but I can't. I can only watch from the side lines.

Karin's Korner said...

I kinda agree with BJ, although not all the way. This is how I finally had to look at it. I was going to hurt one man, either the man I had been living with for 20 years, the man that treated me like crap, the man who was not my friend, the man that I loved but did not like -OR- I was going to hurt David, and that for me just was not an option. David had done nothing to hurt me and my X had hurt me over and over again. I also was in a marriage that was not a marriage. You do have to take that deep breath and just say the words....I WANT OUT. I know it is going to be hard but I am here for you. Good Luck my friend, I wish I could do it for you (I know, I know, you wish that too).

Fiona said...

You don't talk hon, because he knows your mind and heart. He knows he doesn't have to do a f***ing thing and you'll stay. You're showing him that right now.

Why are you so afraid to even take the first step of talking about a separation. It's not walking out, it's telling him you WANT to walk out. Why the fear?

And yes, you do have to consider what you will have ahead of you. If you want more of the same, he'll sure as hell let you have it. But if you want some happiness in this life then you have to sometimes take some hard choices, or forever be a doormat.

And something tells me that deep inside you, you are NOT a doormat.

Be strong...keep talking...keep questioning...keep seeing him in the true light of day.

Hugs

freebird said...

You MUST talk.

leavesdr said...

TS

Try and start to resolve some of what you have written about before the start of the new school year even if your all still in the same house when it comes around. N will thank you for it in times to come. It will be a new begining for all of you and one you deep down know makes sense for all parties involved.

Seeker said...

Although I would normally try to be on the side of marriage, even I can see that this relationship is not going anywhere. Neither of you are really getting what they need from this marriage, I suspect (though W cannot even bring himself to admit this, I imagine that he is not truly happy inside).

You tried for a while to make it work; although really it never stood a chance. To my mind, the only way the marriage would ever stand even a tiny chance of survival is if you ended your relationship with BJ. I do not think you are prepared to do that, TS.

This marriage is already over in everything but name. I really think you need to get out, for W's sake as well as your own. It is not fair on either of you to continue as you are. I think you need to end it now.

As for suicide, I am sure you know in your heart that that would be the coward's way out and would end up hurting far more people - and far more deeply - than are going to be hurt now.

I wish you all the best, TS. Be strong.

Val said...

Jesus H Christ -- LOOK what happens when I go out of town for a few days!?!?!
Forgive me the blasphemy, I'm just trying to lighten things up a bit!
Direct email to follow, hang in there hon...