Friday, July 13, 2007


Counseling last night. Ick.

I brought up Friday's conversation. W sat silently with his back to me. The counselor asked me to elaborate on what I meant by "treading water." I described it as making no forward progress, and gave concrete examples. Eventually, W did join the conversation but only because the counselor asked him specific questions. At one point, W placed full blame for my dissatisfaction on my desire to stay in communication with J. I almost laughed at that but didn't. I didn't even respond to it. What a simplistic way to look at it. Ignore my dissatisfaction with our relationship, my dissatisfaction with the way he treats N, and focus on J, a man who barely plays any role in my life anymore. Even if he knew about, and focused on, other men with whom I've been this past year he would still not "get" why I need out.

The upshot by the end of the hour was that he was disappointed that I don't want to be with him, but it is clear that we are not going to continue together as a couple. Several times throughout the session I wanted to "make nice" and subjugate my wants and needs to placate W, BUT I DIDN'T. Whenever that thought crept in I would just stay quiet. I examined that thought and asked myself if I would be happier if I gave in or if I stood firm. No matter how hard I tried to imagine that I could make myself happy somehow by placating W and staying, I couldn't. The only reason to back down would be to lessen the immediate tension, but the long-term tension would remain.

We will have another counseling session next Tuesday. I don't know how long it will be before W and I can speak rationally about this situation. He has not spoken one word to me since the end of counseling last night.


freebird said...

Ah TS - I was just about to tag a question onto your last post asking how the counselling went and up you popped!
That must've been tough but it sounds like you handled it really well. I'm sure you feel sorry for W, I know I would, but backing down or even just trying to be nice would just confuse the issue now - at least things now seem clear. Keep it up, girl!

Karin's Korner said...

Everything is going exactly how I thought it would, just like when I left Charlie. W will go through stages, I think this stage is his sullen sad stage, next he might go through a stage where he thinks that he can change and it will all work out and then when he figures that it will still not work, he will get into his angry stage. I don't know what he is capable of so please be careful in this stage. Thankfully I moved out before the angry stage got there because he was so angry that I don't know what he would have done. I moved to a different state before that could happen. Good Luck my friend I am praying for you.

Trueself said...

FB - I'm trying to keep it up. It is tiring and hard work, but I'm trying.

Karin - I think we've moved from sullen sad to negotiating. The problem is that every time he asks what he could do differently to keep me around, and I answer him honestly about the behaviors that would have to change I can tell he just isn't going to change those behaviors. Yes, soon we'll get to that angry stage. Fortunately, W doesn't have violent tendencies at all so I'm not too worried about that stage. He is more likely to verbally unleash on me than anything else.