Ick

Counseling last night. Ick.

I brought up Friday's conversation. W sat silently with his back to me. The counselor asked me to elaborate on what I meant by "treading water." I described it as making no forward progress, and gave concrete examples. Eventually, W did join the conversation but only because the counselor asked him specific questions. At one point, W placed full blame for my dissatisfaction on my desire to stay in communication with J. I almost laughed at that but didn't. I didn't even respond to it. What a simplistic way to look at it. Ignore my dissatisfaction with our relationship, my dissatisfaction with the way he treats N, and focus on J, a man who barely plays any role in my life anymore. Even if he knew about, and focused on, other men with whom I've been this past year he would still not "get" why I need out.

The upshot by the end of the hour was that he was disappointed that I don't want to be with him, but it is clear that we are not going to continue together as a couple. Several times throughout the session I wanted to "make nice" and subjugate my wants and needs to placate W, BUT I DIDN'T. Whenever that thought crept in I would just stay quiet. I examined that thought and asked myself if I would be happier if I gave in or if I stood firm. No matter how hard I tried to imagine that I could make myself happy somehow by placating W and staying, I couldn't. The only reason to back down would be to lessen the immediate tension, but the long-term tension would remain.

We will have another counseling session next Tuesday. I don't know how long it will be before W and I can speak rationally about this situation. He has not spoken one word to me since the end of counseling last night.