Yep, went into a tiny tailspin last night, went to bed early, called BJ and talked for two hours.
I know, I know, I erased his number from my cell phone. It isn't erased from my brain yet though.
Did it serve any purpose? Well, yeah actually, I think it did. It reinforced just how over we are as a couple. It also showed me that we can continue to be friends with each other.
And now for a little insight that I think I've received in the last couple of days. I do believe that God is trying to show me that I have to find a way to be comfortable being alone before I can be with someone. Ick. I hate when I have to learn these lessons the hard way.
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THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Anyone under 18 should leave immediately. This blog started as a place to chronicle my attempt at rekindling a long ago romance in spite of the fact that we were both married to others but evolved into a journal of my sexual revolution and now what is hopefully my maturation into a fully functional adult.
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- Trueself
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- I'm a middle-aged woman going through a midlife crisis. Sometimes I wonder if I'll live through it. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
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- Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
- N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
- J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
- W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
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- Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
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- FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
- Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
- Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
- RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
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- M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
- BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
- D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
- C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
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5 comments:
Sometimes some time on your own is good. Learn to love you, before you try to love someone else again.
Hugs
Moving on from a relationship is not an easy process. Sometimes things like this happening are part of that process. It won't change that you need to stay on the path of letting go of BJ, but talking with him in an intimate way like that does not make you less of a woman. It means you are a woman with desires that are in flux.
It's a hard lesson to learn. I don't know if this will help you, but I found it helped me to join a group who had nothing whatsoever to do with meeting potential partners. For me it was a sewing circle with mostly older women. Of course that requires an enjoyment of sewing to start with (!). Maybe there is a group within your church or something? I found it helped me to have something I could immerse myself in that was just for me, and just something I did on my own (especially when the ex was still living here). I made good friends through the group too, although it took a while as I was pretty withdrawn to start with. But it was nice to have the group to go to just to listen to others and to try and get the focus of myself at such a miserable time. Worth a thought?
lill-rambler makes a good point. I belong to a few groups (all through my church) that help me take my mind off my things and just fellowship with some other folks. One is actually an outreach ministry, but the others aren't. One is a support/activity group for moms and the other is a book group. Gets me out of the house, meeting people, but no pressure.
It is nice to just hang with some different folks for a while.
Bunny - Yes, time on my own. Sigh. . . not something that has ever been comfortable for me.
SM - Did I say I talked to him in an intimate way? Because I didn't. Oh, maybe because I went to bed before calling. No, that was just to gain privacy.
Lill - I definitely need to find a group like that. I will start looking around. Sewing wouldn't be it for me, but there are other interests I could definitely pursue.
Bunny - It would be nice to hang with some different folks for a while. Yes indeed.
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