This is a nice instrumental version of Dan Fogelberg's Stars so play the song while you read the post:
It didn't take long this time. I'm feeling better about a lot of things thanks to talking with our counselor last night. The last couple of days I felt the black hole of depression starting to swirl around me. Since my last bad episode with depression I absolutely panic when I feel it coming on again. Fortunately, thanks to pharmaceuticals, I haven't sunk into that kind of depression again, not the really deep dark black hole kind. I still exhibit many symptoms of depression, but I am at least minimally functional at my worst and competent at my best.
Last night when talking with the counselor I told her that I was tempted to give up and just go with the flow. Drop the divorce, suck it up, give in and stay with W. It just felt too hard to keep being strong. As she asked me questions, and I answered between sobs, it became clear that I have no desire to stay in this marriage. My only reasons for staying, if I did, would be not to hurt W more, not to have to face my parents and others with the news of my divorce as I know they will berate me for it. They will say that I made this choice to marry this man, and I have to live up to that commitment. Bigger still that is what my religious upbringing instilled in me. Those are hard things for me to fight, but the counselor made me see that fight those things I must. I have to stand strong and do what is right for me. I do not have to live my life in this marriage because I made a mistake 20 years ago getting into this marriage. I have to keep moving forward because to not move forward is to move backward, and I can't do that.
So with renewed conviction I continue forward now, drawing strength from whence it comes and shunning those who would drag me down. Thank you kind imaginary internet friends for your constant support through emails and IMs and phone calls and your supportive comments here. Also, thank goodness C is back from a short vacation. She is another of my rocks, and I missed her while she was gone several states away.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
4 comments:
I'm having a similar inner struggle myself. Sometimes it's hard to see a clear difference between reasons and excuses.
I wouldn't call us imaginary friends! We're real, you've just never met us. I know this is a hard struggle but at this point in your life you have to do what's right for YOU, not worry what others will think. In the long run, those that love you want you to be happy and those that don't, well, they were never your friend anyway.
Harumph! Another "imaginary friend" taking mild umbrage...
That's OK -- many of my nearest/dearest now are physically far removed; through the miracle of the innerwebs we can keep in touch!
We are here to lean upon when you need us...
FB - Reasons vs. excuses, yep really fine line sometimes.
Summer - In the long run, those that love you want you to be happy and those that don't, well, they were never your friend anyway. Wise words there. I need to remember those.
Val - Ok, ok so maybe y'all aren't imaginary, but it's kind of like taking it on faith that you're out there. I do say imaginary with tongue planted firmly in cheek though. I'm just not used to having real friends because it's been a while since I've had many.
Post a Comment