Saturday afternoon/night
After W and I left the mall on Saturday afternoon, my feelings were all over the place. I openly cried in front of W as we drove. I didn't care that he knew how much I wanted J and how hard it was for me to give him up. I had admitted everything to W, except that J and I had had sex (I don't intend for him to ever know that). I had told W of my love for J, that I wanted to be with J. So what if I openly cried about my grief in front of W now? Finally, I pulled myself together.
As we neared home, we decided to get an early dinner at a favorite chinese restaurant. (I didn't cook all weekend. The only times we ate, we ate out. All our energies went into our arguments this weekend with nothing else accomplished.) I actually was able to laugh at the fortune I got in my cookie: "You will be happily surprised by a long time friend." Yeah, right. After dinner, we went home, and I headed to our bedroom for a good cry. W went out to run an errand, and I think I cried myself to sleep and dozed briefly. When he returned, I heard him come into the bedroom. We decided to go to a movie that evening. We chose "Over the Hedge" because we felt we were in the need of some light comedy. I believe the movie was good. I'm not sure. I couldn't pay attention very well. After the movie, we went out for ice cream - chocolate peanut butter for me and black cherry for W just like we always get. Somehow doing all of these things was so normal, so everyday, and yet so surreal at the same time. We went home and fooled around. I tried not to think of J as W touched me and kissed me. After W rolled over and went to sleep, I cried myself to sleep again.
Sunday
I awoke around 6:00, feeling tired and drained. My thoughts, as they often are these days, were with J. I started scheming about how I could get around these new obstacles to having contact with J. Yet I knew I had committed to W that I would end all contact. I struggled with this conflict for a long time. When W awoke, we talked, yet again, about the situation. I told him that I am honestly scared that I won't be able to stay away from J, that I will blow it with regard to our agreement. W was justifiably angry and hurt. I told him that maybe I had better go ahead and move out since I couldn't be as committed to this as I ought to be. Without another word, W got up and went to take a shower. I threw on some clothes, went outside to get the Sunday paper and started looking at ads for apartments for rent. After some time, I went back down to the bedroom. W was sitting on the edge of the bed, half-dressed, with a sad defeated look on his face. For the first time in all of this, W cried. He put his head on my shoulder and bawled for a long time. I asked him if he wanted me out immediately, or if I could stay in the house for a short time until I found an apartment. He said he didn't want me to leave at all, that he loved me like he had never, ever loved anyone else, that he couldn't imagine life without me. Somehow I couldn't leave him. I just couldn't. But I also had to be honest that I do fear that I will succomb to temptation and contact J. W said that as long as I'm honest about it, and tell him about if I do slip up that we will deal with it. So I agreed to stay, again.
We went out for a late brunch. Then we headed over to the mall (no, not the one where I'd met J. One that is closer to home.) just to walk around, just for something for two restless unsure people to do to kill time. I almost wished I had N at home because we feign normalcy better for him than at any other time. We made a few purchases here and there. During brunch and continuing through our walk at the mall, I shared with W some of the negatives about J - negatives that I have ignored and not wanted to look at even by myself, having not even admitted them here in this blog. In spite of J having three college degrees he works as a corrections officer at a maximum security prison and makes about half as much money as I do, and I don't make a large salary. J pays a ton of child support and has the maximum allowed by law garnished from his pay to catch up on arrearages. J filed bankruptcy a few years ago after his divorce from his first wife. J is seeing a counselor because of anger issues which he says he "expresses in a physical way" making me suspect he has perhaps hit his wife though he didn't say so. J makes comments about my weight (something W never does) which is a very sensitive area for me. The more I talked about (and thought about) the negatives, the more I realized that J is not the right person for me. The rose colored glasses finally came off on Sunday afternoon. I began to be more at peace with the decision to stay with W. I truly began to believe that I had made the right decision for me, not just for everyone else.
Monday
Blasted three day weekend just prolonged the pain. W and I argued in the morning over sex, again. Then we made up. We went out for breakfast and then went over to my parents' house to visit with them and pick up N. It was nice to get there and talk about something other than bad marriages, ex-boyfriends and so forth. It was nice to act like a family. It was nice to feel a little more normal.
Not long after we returned home and tucked N into bed, I started to hatch a plan. Along with now feeling that J is not someone I should spend my life with, I now feel freer about being emotionally able to have the no-strings fun that he wants. However, I've now painted myself into a corner with W keeping an eye on me a lot. I schemed, I thought, I figured, I laid awake in bed coming up with an idea.
Today
I shared my idea with J in an email this morning sent not from my personal email address, but from my work email (yes, it's risky).
J,
Well, just a few days after I say good-bye, and I have this whacky, crazy idea that I just have to run by you here. Please think it over before you respond.
BACKGROUND
Of course, I was not happy about having to say good-bye to you Saturday. I was not happy that I had to say good-bye in such a public location, in front of W (yes, he assures me he could see us the entire time even though I never did see where he was except when he walked over to the bookstore, where he bought a book on anger management, by the way). However, in the last couple of days I have come around to truly understanding (not just saying) that this is truly all for the best -- that I let you go, that I maintain an intact home for my son, so on and so forth. Yes, I truly believe it is time for me to stop living in fantasyland and return to reality.
IDEA
I still want to say good-bye to you (at least for the time being because we'll never know about the future until we get there), but I want to say good-bye to you in a different way than I did last Saturday, a more private way. If I remember correctly, you indicated you would be free this Saturday. Although N and I are heading up to basketball camp that day, we don't have to leave until early afternoon. N has a baseball game that morning, and I could make an excuse for not attending. IF you wanted to, you and I could say a final good-bye on Saturday morning. W and N would leave the house by about 9:15 a.m. and wouldn't be back until 11:30 a.m. or later. You and I could have a two hour window of time in which to say good-bye to one another in a very private way at my house. There would be no expense other than what you spend on gas to get here, but obviously it would be a bit inconvenient as you would have to leave fairly early in the morning to get here by 9:30 or so. We wouldn't have to worry about W coming home early since he's committed to those games as an assistant coach, and we could even set the alarm system so we'd know if he did come home for any reason (which he wouldn't, really). You could park at the strip mall close to my house, and I could pick you up there so that your car wouldn't be parked outside my house for nosy neighbors to notice. If you agree to this idea, I'll give you directions on how to get here and all that.
Think it over. Let me know. You can email me here at work or call me here at work. I work 8-5 Mon-Thurs and 8-3 on Fri, but you could leave a voicemail outside of work hours if you couldn't call during the day. Of course, I can't risk you emailing me at my personal email or calling me on my cell phone anymore as W is monitoring that very closely.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Trueself
I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't do it. I know, and I know, and I know, and I can't seem to help myself. I want just one more time with J. (Oh, and then won't you want just one more after that, then one more, then one more?) I know I'm risking a lot by pursuing this. Yet I suppose that I don't feel that the risk is that great. I could lose the marriage. Yes, but that doesn't bother me much as it isn't much of a marriage. I could lose my son. Yes, but would the court really award custody to an elderly, ill father over a middle-aged, healthy mother? I don't think so. At worst, I think I would have shared custody with W. I could put J's marriage at further risk. Yes, but that is more his problem than it is mine. I have never thought that he and T should be together anyway. So I guess I'm saying that the risks are worth it. I don't know if you would call this progress, but at least I'm no longer approaching life like a lovesick puppy. Now, I'm more in the out-to-get-what-I-can-while-I-can selfish mode. Am I proud of myself, of my behavior? Not at all. W asked me at one point this weekend what I would do if he did to me what I've done to him. I told him I'd boot him out and am surprised he hasn't done the same. He says he won't because he loves me too much. I think that's part of why I continue on now. I feel like even if I get caught he'll still want me to stay. Pretty much makes me a selfish bitch, albeit a guiltridden one.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Shit Hits Fan
Friday afternoon I received the following email:
Trueself,
I received your phone message, and was kind of confused about the areas you wanted to talk to me about. Your email is kind of confusing too. I certainly do not want to stand in the way of a marriage being worked out, because I have told you if I could patch things up on my end I would. Does that say that I don't want you at all, or ever? No! I, in a way, felt bad about that day because I felt I was doing wrong where you and T were both concerned. Does that make sense? Is it wrong to say that we both definitely need to lose alot of weight? Did it seem kind of awkward to you? Does it mean it was lousy? NOT AT ALL! I actually enjoyed it. I didn't roll over on top of you again because I didn't. I know I didn't want to lead you on, because you know where my heart is at the moment. I can't say what I will want to do if things don't work out on my end. I know that in the mean time, if you were still game, I would see what you mean by your "more fun" statement. I just don't have a place or the money for a place to go. But if you do, and still want to, then I will meet you again and you can show me. Maybe, we won't be as timid and sort of shy about things. Of course, I know why we were. I thought it was kind of ironic that you seemed to be more than I was.
Well, anyway I thought I would try to answer your email as best I could. Talk to you later!
Love,
J
Moments later he sent this email:
Trueself.
Sorry for some of that. I hope none of that was out of line. Anyway, the reason I haven't called is not because I didn't want to talk to you. It is because I am in danger of blowing my minutes out of the water on my cellphone. As long as I have 4 people on my plan, I have to kind of watch that. Anyway, I will talk to you later.
Love,
J
I started to write a response, but I didn't have time to do so before my therapist appointment, and W came into our home office while I was reading the second message. So I logged off and went to therapy where I talked about the turmoil in my head over this whole situation. I cried a lot when the therapist suggested that I am frustrated from sacrificing my wants for the wants of others. She is right. I am damned tired of doing and doing and doing for others and not receiving back from them what I need or want. I was agitated when I went home. With N at my parent's for the weekend, W and I were going to go out for dinner. As we drove to the restaurant I started talking about things that I had talked about in therapy. I don't remember exactly what I said, but at some point I said something that made W ask me if I was still in contact with J. I didn't reply immediately. I was trying to think of what the best thing to say was when W said, "I'll take that silence as a yes." It went downhill from there. We sat in the car in the restaurant parking lot talking, crying, fighting. Eventually, it became clear we weren't going to be able to go in and eat so we drove home in stony silence. When we got home, W said he would pack a bag and leave. I said no, it is my fault so I will leave. We went inside. I went down to our bedroom and laid on the bed crying. Eventually, I got up and started to think about what I needed to pack. I went out in the kitchen, and W started in on me to stay for N's sake, telling me that N didn't deserve this. He is innocent, and yet he is the one that will be most hurt by it. Of course, I know that. W made it clear to me that if I left, I would have to explain to N why I left, that it was my fault. He also made it clear that he would fight for custody of N and would try to find J's wife to let her know what was going on in an effort to ruin any chance he had to get back with her. I agreed not to leave yet, and to further discuss things the next day (it was getting quite late on Friday night).
I slept very little that night. I thought about all that had been said. I thought about the extreme pain I saw in W's eyes as he told me how I was the love of his life, and he couldn't let me go. I thought about N, an innocent little boy, my little boy, who would be so hurt without both a mom and a dad. I thought about J, who wants more than anything to reconcile with his wife, who does not want a long-term relationship with me but just some good times. I came to a decision around 5:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. I would stay with W and try to make this marriage work. I would give J up completely because I know that I cannot continue to have my fantasies that J will be with me, and as long as we continue to have contact I will continue to have hope that one day, some day we will be together. I called J on his cell phone and left a message telling him that I needed to talk to him, face to face if possible, at a place an time of his chosing. When W got up, I told him of my decision and also that I was going to say goodbye to J in person, and that was nonnegotiable. I offered to let W go along with me if he wanted. He said he had to go with me because he didn't trust that I would come back if he didn't. J called around 9:45 that morning as I was driving home after working out at the YMCA. I told him I had to talk to him in person and wanted him to name the time and place and I would be there. I added that it had to be a public place. He thought for a moment and suggested we meet at the same time and place as our first meeting - the mall at 12:30 that afternoon. I agreed. When I got home, I told W about the meeting and went to take a shower.
The 45 minute drive to the mall was a solemn one. Neither W nor I said very much at all. At one point I asked him how he envisioned his role here. Did he want to observe from a distance or be next to me the entire time? Did he want me to introduce J to him? He did not wish to do any more than observe from a distance which was a relief to me. I really wanted to be able to talk to J without W listening in because I knew that the things I had to say would hurt W, or I would be unable to be completely honest while talking to J.
J and I talked for almost 3 hours on Saturday afternoon, sitting on a bench in the middle of a busy mall. I can only imagine what passersby must have thought of us as I often had tears in my eyes as we talked. When J arrived I told him that the reason we were there was to say goodbye to one another, that my agreement with W was to say goodbye to J in exchange for keeping my marriage, keeping my son, and keeping W from talking to J's wife and interfering in their relationship. I also told him that W was there at the mall with me but some distance away. I was visibly shaking when I told him all this, and J said to me "This isn't really what you want is it?" "No," I replied, "but I can't lose my little boy, and I can't let him interfere in your marriage so this is what I have to do." I explained to J that W now has the password to my email account and will be checking regularly to make sure I'm not in contact with J, and that he will also be checking my cell phone records to make sure there are no calls between J and me. All it would have taken was one statement from J, one simple thing to change everything, but it didn't happen. J again told me that although he loves me, he loves T more, that if she were to let him back into their home he'd go in a heartbeat, that he'd been honest with me about that from the start. He's right. He has. My fantasies are what I had clung to for the past few weeks, and I knew they were nothing but fantasies. Several times, J and I tried to end the conversation, to say goodbye, to leave, but neither of us did. Eventually, I said to him, "You don't want this afternoon to end any more than I do, do you?" "No," he said. Finally, some 3 hours after we started our conversation, J got up and gave me a hug and a quick kiss. I told him "I love you," and he said "I love you, too," and he walked away. I got out my cell phone and called W to tell him I was ready to go home. I looked up as I hung up the phone and saw J standing down the hall, looking back at me, looking terribly sad. W walked up and when I looked back J was gone from sight.
W and I drove home.
There will be no "happily ever after" in this story.
Trueself,
I received your phone message, and was kind of confused about the areas you wanted to talk to me about. Your email is kind of confusing too. I certainly do not want to stand in the way of a marriage being worked out, because I have told you if I could patch things up on my end I would. Does that say that I don't want you at all, or ever? No! I, in a way, felt bad about that day because I felt I was doing wrong where you and T were both concerned. Does that make sense? Is it wrong to say that we both definitely need to lose alot of weight? Did it seem kind of awkward to you? Does it mean it was lousy? NOT AT ALL! I actually enjoyed it. I didn't roll over on top of you again because I didn't. I know I didn't want to lead you on, because you know where my heart is at the moment. I can't say what I will want to do if things don't work out on my end. I know that in the mean time, if you were still game, I would see what you mean by your "more fun" statement. I just don't have a place or the money for a place to go. But if you do, and still want to, then I will meet you again and you can show me. Maybe, we won't be as timid and sort of shy about things. Of course, I know why we were. I thought it was kind of ironic that you seemed to be more than I was.
Well, anyway I thought I would try to answer your email as best I could. Talk to you later!
Love,
J
Moments later he sent this email:
Trueself.
Sorry for some of that. I hope none of that was out of line. Anyway, the reason I haven't called is not because I didn't want to talk to you. It is because I am in danger of blowing my minutes out of the water on my cellphone. As long as I have 4 people on my plan, I have to kind of watch that. Anyway, I will talk to you later.
Love,
J
I started to write a response, but I didn't have time to do so before my therapist appointment, and W came into our home office while I was reading the second message. So I logged off and went to therapy where I talked about the turmoil in my head over this whole situation. I cried a lot when the therapist suggested that I am frustrated from sacrificing my wants for the wants of others. She is right. I am damned tired of doing and doing and doing for others and not receiving back from them what I need or want. I was agitated when I went home. With N at my parent's for the weekend, W and I were going to go out for dinner. As we drove to the restaurant I started talking about things that I had talked about in therapy. I don't remember exactly what I said, but at some point I said something that made W ask me if I was still in contact with J. I didn't reply immediately. I was trying to think of what the best thing to say was when W said, "I'll take that silence as a yes." It went downhill from there. We sat in the car in the restaurant parking lot talking, crying, fighting. Eventually, it became clear we weren't going to be able to go in and eat so we drove home in stony silence. When we got home, W said he would pack a bag and leave. I said no, it is my fault so I will leave. We went inside. I went down to our bedroom and laid on the bed crying. Eventually, I got up and started to think about what I needed to pack. I went out in the kitchen, and W started in on me to stay for N's sake, telling me that N didn't deserve this. He is innocent, and yet he is the one that will be most hurt by it. Of course, I know that. W made it clear to me that if I left, I would have to explain to N why I left, that it was my fault. He also made it clear that he would fight for custody of N and would try to find J's wife to let her know what was going on in an effort to ruin any chance he had to get back with her. I agreed not to leave yet, and to further discuss things the next day (it was getting quite late on Friday night).
I slept very little that night. I thought about all that had been said. I thought about the extreme pain I saw in W's eyes as he told me how I was the love of his life, and he couldn't let me go. I thought about N, an innocent little boy, my little boy, who would be so hurt without both a mom and a dad. I thought about J, who wants more than anything to reconcile with his wife, who does not want a long-term relationship with me but just some good times. I came to a decision around 5:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. I would stay with W and try to make this marriage work. I would give J up completely because I know that I cannot continue to have my fantasies that J will be with me, and as long as we continue to have contact I will continue to have hope that one day, some day we will be together. I called J on his cell phone and left a message telling him that I needed to talk to him, face to face if possible, at a place an time of his chosing. When W got up, I told him of my decision and also that I was going to say goodbye to J in person, and that was nonnegotiable. I offered to let W go along with me if he wanted. He said he had to go with me because he didn't trust that I would come back if he didn't. J called around 9:45 that morning as I was driving home after working out at the YMCA. I told him I had to talk to him in person and wanted him to name the time and place and I would be there. I added that it had to be a public place. He thought for a moment and suggested we meet at the same time and place as our first meeting - the mall at 12:30 that afternoon. I agreed. When I got home, I told W about the meeting and went to take a shower.
The 45 minute drive to the mall was a solemn one. Neither W nor I said very much at all. At one point I asked him how he envisioned his role here. Did he want to observe from a distance or be next to me the entire time? Did he want me to introduce J to him? He did not wish to do any more than observe from a distance which was a relief to me. I really wanted to be able to talk to J without W listening in because I knew that the things I had to say would hurt W, or I would be unable to be completely honest while talking to J.
J and I talked for almost 3 hours on Saturday afternoon, sitting on a bench in the middle of a busy mall. I can only imagine what passersby must have thought of us as I often had tears in my eyes as we talked. When J arrived I told him that the reason we were there was to say goodbye to one another, that my agreement with W was to say goodbye to J in exchange for keeping my marriage, keeping my son, and keeping W from talking to J's wife and interfering in their relationship. I also told him that W was there at the mall with me but some distance away. I was visibly shaking when I told him all this, and J said to me "This isn't really what you want is it?" "No," I replied, "but I can't lose my little boy, and I can't let him interfere in your marriage so this is what I have to do." I explained to J that W now has the password to my email account and will be checking regularly to make sure I'm not in contact with J, and that he will also be checking my cell phone records to make sure there are no calls between J and me. All it would have taken was one statement from J, one simple thing to change everything, but it didn't happen. J again told me that although he loves me, he loves T more, that if she were to let him back into their home he'd go in a heartbeat, that he'd been honest with me about that from the start. He's right. He has. My fantasies are what I had clung to for the past few weeks, and I knew they were nothing but fantasies. Several times, J and I tried to end the conversation, to say goodbye, to leave, but neither of us did. Eventually, I said to him, "You don't want this afternoon to end any more than I do, do you?" "No," he said. Finally, some 3 hours after we started our conversation, J got up and gave me a hug and a quick kiss. I told him "I love you," and he said "I love you, too," and he walked away. I got out my cell phone and called W to tell him I was ready to go home. I looked up as I hung up the phone and saw J standing down the hall, looking back at me, looking terribly sad. W walked up and when I looked back J was gone from sight.
W and I drove home.
There will be no "happily ever after" in this story.
Friday, May 26, 2006
More emails again
Last week I couldn't resist being stupid again and sent this on Wednesday
J,
I know this is absolutely none of my business, and you didn’t ask for my opinion on this so if you don’t want my opinion then just delete this email. I almost said something to you about this on Saturday, but I held my tongue. Now, it’s bugging me that I didn’t say anything so here goes.
Here is my take on your marriage just based on things you’ve said to me so granted I don’t know the whole story. It seems to me that you are just asking for trouble by going back. Here are some hard questions you really should answer before you decide you definitely want to go back:
Do you think that T’s son will try to cause trouble for you if you move back in? Do you want to risk it?
Do you think that if T takes you back you will be constantly on the verge of being kicked out again if you make one wrong move? Do you want to risk that?
Do you really want to be in a marriage where you’ve given virtually all the power over to your spouse? Trust me, it is not good to be in a relationship where the balance of power is not fairly even.
Are you, T and her kids in family counseling? If so, good. If not, why not? And why would you go back with so much tension still looming if there is not an ongoing effort to make things better via counseling?
You said you’d been out of the house since February which is about three months, but you also said you hadn’t had sex in about six months. This makes it sound like there are bigger problems that finally led to the break in February. Have you resolved all the issues you guys were having before you moved out? Do you want to move back in if they are still unresolved?
I admit I am probably not the most unbiased person, but I have really tried to keep my personal desires out of this advice. Based on what you’ve told me, I would advise anyone in your situation the same way. I hate to see you get hurt which obviously you already have, and my fear is that going back is just going to prolong the hurt rather than heal it. Then again, with my marriage way out in the ditch I’m probably the last person in the world to give relationship advice. I do hope you’ll think about the questions above, if you haven’t already, before you make that final decision about getting back together with T but know that I will respect whatever the outcome is.
Love,
Trueself
After that, I actually behaved myself for a while and let things go. Never heard back from J so I was determined to have no further contact until I had test results that I had promised to share with him.
However, I couldn't resist and this Wednesday sent this:
J,
Even though I was supposed to have test results on Friday, I wasn't too surprised that I didn't get them because W and I left early in the afternoon for our long weekend away. I was surprised though that I didn't get them Monday, and by the time I tried to call the office was already closed. (I thought they closed at 5:00, but it's actually 4:30.) So I called yesterday and found out that the results were still not in, and they promised to call as soon as they received them. I called again late this morning (I was getting kind of antsy), and they promised they would call back within two hours. It has been over 3 hours and still no call.
Here's my dilemma. Now that W and I finished our antibiotics, he wants to do certain things. I'm afraid to do anything until I know for sure how the test results turn out, but he thinks it is no big deal since obviously (he thinks) anything we have, we would both have. I, on the other hand, am still nervous that possibly, just possibly, I could have something he doesn't have, but I can't tell him that. Did you get tested for everything we did, and do you have any test results back yet? If you are clean then I wouldn't have to worry even though I haven't gotten my test results. Geez, it's really hard to keep coming up with excuses not to do things when I've been the one complaining for so long about the lack of activity. Please let me know ASAP whether or not you have test results yet. You can email me, or you can call me anytime before 7:00 p.m. tonight (Wed.) or before 9:00 p.m. tomorrow (Thurs.).
I will let you know my test results as soon as I have them, whenever that is.
Love,
Trueself
I was really hoping to hear back from J on Wednesday, but I didn't. W and I did things that night that were risky given that I didn't have test results, but I ran out of excuses. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the tests all came back negative yesterday.
Yesterday afternoon I sent the following email:
J,
Just wanted you to know that all blood tests came back negative -- no chlamydia, no syphilis, no HIV. All my worries yesterday were for nothing.
Love,
Trueself
Yesterday evening I was pleasantly surprised to get this email from J:
Hi Trueself,
Is it safe to send this? Anyway, I have everything back except the big test. I am negative on all counts. Is that not wonderful? Now..as for the source...got any real ideas??? Well, anyway, so you are going to start trying with him? Just asking. You asking me about my plight with you know who was definitely biased. Of course, we both know that.
Where are you at in all of this? What did you mean by " I can and will be more fun next time..."? Also you said that we will have to meet on an occasional Saturday at least until things are settled in some areas. Anyway, I'd discuss this more but the Library is kicking me out. We will talk more later.
Love,
J
I quickly, maybe too quickly without enough thought, sent this email back:
Geez, what a lot of questions!
It's always safe to send me email. I check it from work and only at home when I'm by myself.
Yes, it is wonderful that all came back negative.
As for the source, I don't know. What I know is that I have only been with W since 1990 except for the Saturday with you. W swears that he hasn't been with anyone else since 1990 either. So I just don't know. At least on the surface he is accepting that he and I must have had it for a long, long time and just didn't know it. I don't know, and I don't really know if I believe that he has been faithful for that long.
Does it matter to you whether I start trying with him? He has definitely been trying to patch things up lately, and we had a very nice weekend last weekend. I guess if I can't have you then I might as well make the best of things here.
Where am I at in all of this? Confused, that's where. More in love with you than I expected to be. More frustrated with you than I expected to be. I still stand by my statement that you have my heart, and if you ever decide that you'd like to try having a real relationship with me (as opposed to an occasional good time) you just say the word, and I'm there. I don't expect that we could pick up where we left off so long ago, but I would certainly be willing to date, to get reacquainted, to see if there is anything there to work towards something more permanent. And yes, if you were offering that, I would definitely end this marriage in order to do so. Unfortunately, I am just a coward about ending the marriage if I'm almost certain to have nobody at all.
What did I mean about being more fun? Try me and find out!!
I would love to talk more to you about this anytime that I can, but finding time when he isn't listening in isn't easy. Also, I remember you said your kids would be around for a while so that might make it difficult on your end too. The best time to call me would be when I go over to the YMCA to work out which would be most weekdays right after work until about 6:30 p.m. I just walk the track and always carry my cell phone with me so I can be interrupted.
Well, I have to go. I have an athletic association meeting I have to go to. I'm treasurer so I have to be there to give the financial report.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Trueself
Okay, so after the meeting last night I tried to call J, but only got his voicemail. I do want to further discuss things like why does he want to know if W and I are going to try to fix the marriage if he isn't offering me anything better, does he still want to have occasional afternoons together or not, and what is he seeing for the future? I left J a message asking him to call me today if he can. We'll see what happens.
J,
I know this is absolutely none of my business, and you didn’t ask for my opinion on this so if you don’t want my opinion then just delete this email. I almost said something to you about this on Saturday, but I held my tongue. Now, it’s bugging me that I didn’t say anything so here goes.
Here is my take on your marriage just based on things you’ve said to me so granted I don’t know the whole story. It seems to me that you are just asking for trouble by going back. Here are some hard questions you really should answer before you decide you definitely want to go back:
Do you think that T’s son will try to cause trouble for you if you move back in? Do you want to risk it?
Do you think that if T takes you back you will be constantly on the verge of being kicked out again if you make one wrong move? Do you want to risk that?
Do you really want to be in a marriage where you’ve given virtually all the power over to your spouse? Trust me, it is not good to be in a relationship where the balance of power is not fairly even.
Are you, T and her kids in family counseling? If so, good. If not, why not? And why would you go back with so much tension still looming if there is not an ongoing effort to make things better via counseling?
You said you’d been out of the house since February which is about three months, but you also said you hadn’t had sex in about six months. This makes it sound like there are bigger problems that finally led to the break in February. Have you resolved all the issues you guys were having before you moved out? Do you want to move back in if they are still unresolved?
I admit I am probably not the most unbiased person, but I have really tried to keep my personal desires out of this advice. Based on what you’ve told me, I would advise anyone in your situation the same way. I hate to see you get hurt which obviously you already have, and my fear is that going back is just going to prolong the hurt rather than heal it. Then again, with my marriage way out in the ditch I’m probably the last person in the world to give relationship advice. I do hope you’ll think about the questions above, if you haven’t already, before you make that final decision about getting back together with T but know that I will respect whatever the outcome is.
Love,
Trueself
After that, I actually behaved myself for a while and let things go. Never heard back from J so I was determined to have no further contact until I had test results that I had promised to share with him.
However, I couldn't resist and this Wednesday sent this:
J,
Even though I was supposed to have test results on Friday, I wasn't too surprised that I didn't get them because W and I left early in the afternoon for our long weekend away. I was surprised though that I didn't get them Monday, and by the time I tried to call the office was already closed. (I thought they closed at 5:00, but it's actually 4:30.) So I called yesterday and found out that the results were still not in, and they promised to call as soon as they received them. I called again late this morning (I was getting kind of antsy), and they promised they would call back within two hours. It has been over 3 hours and still no call.
Here's my dilemma. Now that W and I finished our antibiotics, he wants to do certain things. I'm afraid to do anything until I know for sure how the test results turn out, but he thinks it is no big deal since obviously (he thinks) anything we have, we would both have. I, on the other hand, am still nervous that possibly, just possibly, I could have something he doesn't have, but I can't tell him that. Did you get tested for everything we did, and do you have any test results back yet? If you are clean then I wouldn't have to worry even though I haven't gotten my test results. Geez, it's really hard to keep coming up with excuses not to do things when I've been the one complaining for so long about the lack of activity. Please let me know ASAP whether or not you have test results yet. You can email me, or you can call me anytime before 7:00 p.m. tonight (Wed.) or before 9:00 p.m. tomorrow (Thurs.).
I will let you know my test results as soon as I have them, whenever that is.
Love,
Trueself
I was really hoping to hear back from J on Wednesday, but I didn't. W and I did things that night that were risky given that I didn't have test results, but I ran out of excuses. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the tests all came back negative yesterday.
Yesterday afternoon I sent the following email:
J,
Just wanted you to know that all blood tests came back negative -- no chlamydia, no syphilis, no HIV. All my worries yesterday were for nothing.
Love,
Trueself
Yesterday evening I was pleasantly surprised to get this email from J:
Hi Trueself,
Is it safe to send this? Anyway, I have everything back except the big test. I am negative on all counts. Is that not wonderful? Now..as for the source...got any real ideas??? Well, anyway, so you are going to start trying with him? Just asking. You asking me about my plight with you know who was definitely biased. Of course, we both know that.
Where are you at in all of this? What did you mean by " I can and will be more fun next time..."? Also you said that we will have to meet on an occasional Saturday at least until things are settled in some areas. Anyway, I'd discuss this more but the Library is kicking me out. We will talk more later.
Love,
J
I quickly, maybe too quickly without enough thought, sent this email back:
Geez, what a lot of questions!
It's always safe to send me email. I check it from work and only at home when I'm by myself.
Yes, it is wonderful that all came back negative.
As for the source, I don't know. What I know is that I have only been with W since 1990 except for the Saturday with you. W swears that he hasn't been with anyone else since 1990 either. So I just don't know. At least on the surface he is accepting that he and I must have had it for a long, long time and just didn't know it. I don't know, and I don't really know if I believe that he has been faithful for that long.
Does it matter to you whether I start trying with him? He has definitely been trying to patch things up lately, and we had a very nice weekend last weekend. I guess if I can't have you then I might as well make the best of things here.
Where am I at in all of this? Confused, that's where. More in love with you than I expected to be. More frustrated with you than I expected to be. I still stand by my statement that you have my heart, and if you ever decide that you'd like to try having a real relationship with me (as opposed to an occasional good time) you just say the word, and I'm there. I don't expect that we could pick up where we left off so long ago, but I would certainly be willing to date, to get reacquainted, to see if there is anything there to work towards something more permanent. And yes, if you were offering that, I would definitely end this marriage in order to do so. Unfortunately, I am just a coward about ending the marriage if I'm almost certain to have nobody at all.
What did I mean about being more fun? Try me and find out!!
I would love to talk more to you about this anytime that I can, but finding time when he isn't listening in isn't easy. Also, I remember you said your kids would be around for a while so that might make it difficult on your end too. The best time to call me would be when I go over to the YMCA to work out which would be most weekdays right after work until about 6:30 p.m. I just walk the track and always carry my cell phone with me so I can be interrupted.
Well, I have to go. I have an athletic association meeting I have to go to. I'm treasurer so I have to be there to give the financial report.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Trueself
Okay, so after the meeting last night I tried to call J, but only got his voicemail. I do want to further discuss things like why does he want to know if W and I are going to try to fix the marriage if he isn't offering me anything better, does he still want to have occasional afternoons together or not, and what is he seeing for the future? I left J a message asking him to call me today if he can. We'll see what happens.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Test Results Finally
Everything is negative on both W and me.
Haven't heard from J yet, but I assume his results will be the same.
Breathing big sigh of relief.
Haven't heard from J yet, but I assume his results will be the same.
Breathing big sigh of relief.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Huge Frustration
No test results yet from Dr. appointment last Monday. Results were supposed to be back on Friday. Called today, and they still don't have them, but they say they'll call as soon as they do.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Still Torn, Though Not as Much
The weekend away with W was great. He really did help me remember why things used to be, and can be, so good between the two of us. I did truly start to fall back in love with W over the weekend.
On the other hand, J has not had any contact with me at all since he called last Tuesday. This is starting to remind me why I could let him go 20+ years ago. Lack of interest, lack of wanting a commitment. Maybe the whole STD thing has scared him off. Maybe he's just being J, holding back. Either way, I fear that he is so less interested in me than I am in him.
So it makes good logical sense to rekindle the relationship with W and make our marriage work. Dump the fantasies about J and give up all contact with him so I can truly focus on fixing my marriage.
HOWEVER, I so badly don't want to lose touch with J. I so badly want to maintain some connection with J. In so doing, am I just setting myself up for being hurt and disappointed? My fear is that I am. Besides, if I'm really honest with myself I would have to say that maintaining contact with J is really holding out the hope that some day he will come around and want a relationship with me again. Is it really fair to W to continue on in the marriage if one word from J would be all it would take to get me to leave? Or do I work on the marriage in the hopes that my desire for J will fade over time?
I still have many more questions than answers, but I'm working on it.
On the other hand, J has not had any contact with me at all since he called last Tuesday. This is starting to remind me why I could let him go 20+ years ago. Lack of interest, lack of wanting a commitment. Maybe the whole STD thing has scared him off. Maybe he's just being J, holding back. Either way, I fear that he is so less interested in me than I am in him.
So it makes good logical sense to rekindle the relationship with W and make our marriage work. Dump the fantasies about J and give up all contact with him so I can truly focus on fixing my marriage.
HOWEVER, I so badly don't want to lose touch with J. I so badly want to maintain some connection with J. In so doing, am I just setting myself up for being hurt and disappointed? My fear is that I am. Besides, if I'm really honest with myself I would have to say that maintaining contact with J is really holding out the hope that some day he will come around and want a relationship with me again. Is it really fair to W to continue on in the marriage if one word from J would be all it would take to get me to leave? Or do I work on the marriage in the hopes that my desire for J will fade over time?
I still have many more questions than answers, but I'm working on it.
Monday, May 22, 2006
The Men in My Life
I was talking to W this weekend about my past, trying to convince myself that I'm not a slut, and was listing the men I've "been with" in my lifetime.
- R - Age 19, a freshman in college, my first. Although he and I dated for a while before we had sex, I never saw him again afterward although I did talk to him on the phone once months later.
- C - Still 19, Sophomore in college, we had a relationship that lasted several months.
- K - Age 20-23, Junior in college through a year or so after college, we even were engaged for a while.
- D - Age 23, While I was on assignment in TX, this high school friend and I hooked up for some good times.
- The Iranian Guy Upstairs - Age 23, can't remember his name but this one was also while I was on assignment in TX. Often I would spend part of the day with this guy, then spend the night with D. They both knew about the other and didn't care. We were all just in it for the fun of it. Nothing serious.
- Convention Guy - Age 24, I was at a convention for work, got drunk, flirted a lot and went back to some guy's room with him.
- W - Age 24-now, Met at work, started dating, ran off and eventually married him.
- Ages 26-29, these are all guys
- I slept with during our swinging
- days (W's and mine). Can't
- remember their names. Don't
- know if I knew their real ones.
- J - Age 45, My old high school boyfriend that I just got together with over a week ago. Of course, I didn't mention this one during my discussion with W. He thinks there's an even dozen.
I haven't been with any of them except W and J after I was 30. (Of course, as far as W is concerned I've been completely monogamous in that time, and I was for 15 years, up until a week ago Saturday.) All the rest were youthful indulgences of my late teens and twenties.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Weekend Agenda
Surprisingly, I've been in a really good mood the last couple of days.
All seems to be well, for now at least. W is buying the explanation that he and/or I have had this STD for a long, long time, and that symptoms just now surfaced. J hasn't been in touch with me so I'm assuming all is well with him and don't expect to hear anything more until he has test results back. My test results should be back today, but I may not get them until Monday because W and I are leaving early for a weekend away.
I am ambivalent about this weekend. On one hand, it is great that W is making so much effort to put this marriage back together. On the other hand, I find myself now cold and unmoved by his efforts. Maybe unmoved isn't quite right, barely moved is more like it. So what will we accomplish this weekend? Can we reconnect and fall in love again? I don't know. Thoughts of J keep getting in my way. As I've said before I feel like I've already checked out of this marriage, just haven't made the physical move yet.
Also, my therapist pointed out today that in some ways, many ways actually, W and I have developed more of a parent-child relationship than a marital one. I suppose this is one of the dangers of me being with a much older man. I have felt this for a while. I know last Saturday I was thinking as I drove home that it felt very much the same as when I used to sneak out as a teenager to spend time with my boyfriend. Only now I'm sneaking around behind W's back, not my parents, and could cause way more relationship fallout than I ever could have as a teen.
I guess my agenda for this weekend is to see if I can get clarity on what direction I want to go from here. Do I want to devote myself to mending my marriage? (So hard if it has to include giving up J which I'm pretty sure I would have to do to really do this right) Or do I want to leave the marriage and deal with the fallout? Is there a middle ground? I don't think so. I don't think that I want to, or should, continue things as they are, with one foot in and one foot out, but coward that I am that's what I've done so far. Aargh, I hate being a grownup and having to make grownup decisions.
All seems to be well, for now at least. W is buying the explanation that he and/or I have had this STD for a long, long time, and that symptoms just now surfaced. J hasn't been in touch with me so I'm assuming all is well with him and don't expect to hear anything more until he has test results back. My test results should be back today, but I may not get them until Monday because W and I are leaving early for a weekend away.
I am ambivalent about this weekend. On one hand, it is great that W is making so much effort to put this marriage back together. On the other hand, I find myself now cold and unmoved by his efforts. Maybe unmoved isn't quite right, barely moved is more like it. So what will we accomplish this weekend? Can we reconnect and fall in love again? I don't know. Thoughts of J keep getting in my way. As I've said before I feel like I've already checked out of this marriage, just haven't made the physical move yet.
Also, my therapist pointed out today that in some ways, many ways actually, W and I have developed more of a parent-child relationship than a marital one. I suppose this is one of the dangers of me being with a much older man. I have felt this for a while. I know last Saturday I was thinking as I drove home that it felt very much the same as when I used to sneak out as a teenager to spend time with my boyfriend. Only now I'm sneaking around behind W's back, not my parents, and could cause way more relationship fallout than I ever could have as a teen.
I guess my agenda for this weekend is to see if I can get clarity on what direction I want to go from here. Do I want to devote myself to mending my marriage? (So hard if it has to include giving up J which I'm pretty sure I would have to do to really do this right) Or do I want to leave the marriage and deal with the fallout? Is there a middle ground? I don't think so. I don't think that I want to, or should, continue things as they are, with one foot in and one foot out, but coward that I am that's what I've done so far. Aargh, I hate being a grownup and having to make grownup decisions.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tense Times
I was so stunned with my diagnosis on Monday I couldn't even remember the name of the STD I have when I talked to J after the appointment. Once I found out, I emailed him yesterday morning.
J,
It is trichomoniasis. They are also testing me for chlamydia, syphilis and HIV. I thought maybe this would be good information to have when you go to your doctor.
I should have my test results back by Friday. I will let you know how they turn out. I would appreciate knowing also how yours turn out. I would just like to try to figure out this mystery of where this came from. W is going to go get tested today, and he intends to ask how long he or I might have had this with no symptoms. Hopefully the answer is a very long time, and then his test results come back positive. Although if that is the case, then I owe you a huge apology for possibly spreading something to you that I had no idea I had.
I did not tell W about what happened last Saturday. I have acted as though I believe he gave this to me and hammered him with questions about his fidelity, kind of using "the best defense is a strong offense" theory. For what it's worth, he absolutely insists on his complete fidelity to me and says he is bewildered at how this could have happened. I am somewhat surprised that he hasn't questioned my fidelity at all.
I feel like the pregnant teenager who says "How could this happen to me? I only did it once!"
Love,
Trueself
J called me in the middle of the afternoon. Apparently, for some reason, for his appointment with his dr. he needed my dr's name. Not sure I understand why, but I gave it to him. After all, with medical confidentiality my dr. can't release information, and even if he did all J or his dr. would find out is that I was telling the truth about all this. He also wanted to know (he hadn't read my above email yet) if I had found out the name of it. So I told him that. He asked what W had said when I asked him about it, and I told him he swore up and down that he was innocent. I couldn't go into a lot of details because I was at work, so after we got off the phone I sent yet another email to share with him what W had told me after his dr. appointment yesterday.
J,
Sorry I couldn't talk a whole lot this afternoon, but sitting at my desk in my cubicle next to a bunch of other very quiet accountants sitting at their desks in their cubicles just doesn't allow for privacy. Hopefully, I was able to at least give you the information you needed.
The dr. told W that he could have had this thing for a long time without it being detected. Apparently the most likely scenario if that is the case is that he had it for a while, but men don't always show symptoms like women do. Then when he and I attempted but failed at something a couple of weeks ago, there may have been enough contact for me to contract it from him. The dr. didn't even test him for it, just assumed he has it and gave him antibiotics for it (thank goodness, because worst case scenario for me would be if they found he didn't have it at all making it much more difficult to explain). Anyway, W seems to accept that explanation so I'm just going with the flow. Seems to accept it yet there is still an edge to his voice that makes me nervous. Anyway, no need to bring up other possibilities as long as we're going with that one.
So assuming W transmitted it to me, I apologize to you for possibly passing it along. If I had thought that there was even a remote chance of something like this I would not have done anything on Saturday. I am so, so sorry. I truly hope this doesn't make you regret Saturday. I don't.
Love,
Trueself
Truly, just about the only thing that could make this worse at this point would be if I find out in a few weeks that I'm pregnant. Not that I think I am, but I'm just saying. . .
J,
It is trichomoniasis. They are also testing me for chlamydia, syphilis and HIV. I thought maybe this would be good information to have when you go to your doctor.
I should have my test results back by Friday. I will let you know how they turn out. I would appreciate knowing also how yours turn out. I would just like to try to figure out this mystery of where this came from. W is going to go get tested today, and he intends to ask how long he or I might have had this with no symptoms. Hopefully the answer is a very long time, and then his test results come back positive. Although if that is the case, then I owe you a huge apology for possibly spreading something to you that I had no idea I had.
I did not tell W about what happened last Saturday. I have acted as though I believe he gave this to me and hammered him with questions about his fidelity, kind of using "the best defense is a strong offense" theory. For what it's worth, he absolutely insists on his complete fidelity to me and says he is bewildered at how this could have happened. I am somewhat surprised that he hasn't questioned my fidelity at all.
I feel like the pregnant teenager who says "How could this happen to me? I only did it once!"
Love,
Trueself
J called me in the middle of the afternoon. Apparently, for some reason, for his appointment with his dr. he needed my dr's name. Not sure I understand why, but I gave it to him. After all, with medical confidentiality my dr. can't release information, and even if he did all J or his dr. would find out is that I was telling the truth about all this. He also wanted to know (he hadn't read my above email yet) if I had found out the name of it. So I told him that. He asked what W had said when I asked him about it, and I told him he swore up and down that he was innocent. I couldn't go into a lot of details because I was at work, so after we got off the phone I sent yet another email to share with him what W had told me after his dr. appointment yesterday.
J,
Sorry I couldn't talk a whole lot this afternoon, but sitting at my desk in my cubicle next to a bunch of other very quiet accountants sitting at their desks in their cubicles just doesn't allow for privacy. Hopefully, I was able to at least give you the information you needed.
The dr. told W that he could have had this thing for a long time without it being detected. Apparently the most likely scenario if that is the case is that he had it for a while, but men don't always show symptoms like women do. Then when he and I attempted but failed at something a couple of weeks ago, there may have been enough contact for me to contract it from him. The dr. didn't even test him for it, just assumed he has it and gave him antibiotics for it (thank goodness, because worst case scenario for me would be if they found he didn't have it at all making it much more difficult to explain). Anyway, W seems to accept that explanation so I'm just going with the flow. Seems to accept it yet there is still an edge to his voice that makes me nervous. Anyway, no need to bring up other possibilities as long as we're going with that one.
So assuming W transmitted it to me, I apologize to you for possibly passing it along. If I had thought that there was even a remote chance of something like this I would not have done anything on Saturday. I am so, so sorry. I truly hope this doesn't make you regret Saturday. I don't.
Love,
Trueself
Truly, just about the only thing that could make this worse at this point would be if I find out in a few weeks that I'm pregnant. Not that I think I am, but I'm just saying. . .
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Unluckiest Person on Earth
Once, just once, in the last fifteen years I cheat on W.
Yesterday, I go see the physician's assistant at my doctor's office because I think I have a bladder infection. They run tests. The physician's assistant comes back into the examination room to tell me that I have an STD, trichomoniasis. I am stunned, floored, absolutely in shock. He proceeds to tell me I should be tested for other STDs so he wants to do some blood tests for syphilis, chlamydia, and HIV. He asks if I am in a monogomous relationship. I nod. He says then I better have a talk with my husband. My mind is racing. Oh.My.God. He keeps talking, but I have no clue what he is saying. He finally pauses, and I ask him a question - if an individual had sex with someone just last Saturday could this show up this soon? I was so hoping he would say no, but he said "Yes, but if you are being monogomous. . ." I cut him off and said "Well, I wasn't 100% honest about that."
Oh.My.God. I feel like the pregnant teenager who says "But we only did it once. How could this happen to me?" I leave the doctor's office, in utter shock, prescription for antibiotics in hand, and with the admonition that I need to alert anyone I've been with so that they can be tested too. I look at my watch. J is off work, probably driving home. I figure it is better to tell him this than email it to him, so I call his cell phone. I'm sure he was surprised to hear from me so soon. I was certainly surprised to be contacting him so soon. I explain why I am calling. He sounds like he is as stunned as I was. I tell him he better get tested and let anybody he has been with know so that they can be tested. He swears he hasn't been with anybody for about six months before Saturday. We end our conversation with me apologizing for bearing bad news, and J apologizing if he caused this.
I called W. Using the a-strong-offense-is-your-best-defense strategy, after explaining my diagnosis, I launch into accusations against him. I have some basis because although we were unsuccessful, we had tried to have intercourse about three weeks ago with contact that could have spread something from him to me. I was desperately hoping that I could get him to admit to some unfaithfulness anytime in the past several years. He swore that once we stopped swinging back in 1990, he has been 100% faithful. I told him if ever there was a time to come clean, it would be now (oh, yes, I know it's ironic), and I would forgive him if there were any indiscretions. I believed him completely when he swore up and down there had been nobody else. For some reason, he never asked me if I needed to confess to anything. W is going to call our doctor's office today to get tested. He tells me he intends to ask a lot of questions about how this could happen. I'm praying that there is an alternate to the explanation that I fear most, that my one indiscretion in years is the cause of all this.
So here is what I know:
I have only been with W since 1990 up until last Saturday.
W swears that he has only been with me in that same time period.
W and I have only attempted intercourse once in the last year, about three weeks ago.
J swears that he has not been with anyone in six months, and for several years before that only with T.
J and I have only been together once, just two days before I am diagnosed.
So I don't know. Could I have had this for years with no symptoms? Could W have had it for years with no symptoms and only recently passed it on to me? Likewise, could J have had it for some time but not known it and passed it on to me?
Boy, oh boy, oh boy. I know I've wanted to leave W, but somehow I wanted it to be on my own terms in my own timing. Now I risk being found out and booted out. Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Breathe, just breathe.
Yesterday, I go see the physician's assistant at my doctor's office because I think I have a bladder infection. They run tests. The physician's assistant comes back into the examination room to tell me that I have an STD, trichomoniasis. I am stunned, floored, absolutely in shock. He proceeds to tell me I should be tested for other STDs so he wants to do some blood tests for syphilis, chlamydia, and HIV. He asks if I am in a monogomous relationship. I nod. He says then I better have a talk with my husband. My mind is racing. Oh.My.God. He keeps talking, but I have no clue what he is saying. He finally pauses, and I ask him a question - if an individual had sex with someone just last Saturday could this show up this soon? I was so hoping he would say no, but he said "Yes, but if you are being monogomous. . ." I cut him off and said "Well, I wasn't 100% honest about that."
Oh.My.God. I feel like the pregnant teenager who says "But we only did it once. How could this happen to me?" I leave the doctor's office, in utter shock, prescription for antibiotics in hand, and with the admonition that I need to alert anyone I've been with so that they can be tested too. I look at my watch. J is off work, probably driving home. I figure it is better to tell him this than email it to him, so I call his cell phone. I'm sure he was surprised to hear from me so soon. I was certainly surprised to be contacting him so soon. I explain why I am calling. He sounds like he is as stunned as I was. I tell him he better get tested and let anybody he has been with know so that they can be tested. He swears he hasn't been with anybody for about six months before Saturday. We end our conversation with me apologizing for bearing bad news, and J apologizing if he caused this.
I called W. Using the a-strong-offense-is-your-best-defense strategy, after explaining my diagnosis, I launch into accusations against him. I have some basis because although we were unsuccessful, we had tried to have intercourse about three weeks ago with contact that could have spread something from him to me. I was desperately hoping that I could get him to admit to some unfaithfulness anytime in the past several years. He swore that once we stopped swinging back in 1990, he has been 100% faithful. I told him if ever there was a time to come clean, it would be now (oh, yes, I know it's ironic), and I would forgive him if there were any indiscretions. I believed him completely when he swore up and down there had been nobody else. For some reason, he never asked me if I needed to confess to anything. W is going to call our doctor's office today to get tested. He tells me he intends to ask a lot of questions about how this could happen. I'm praying that there is an alternate to the explanation that I fear most, that my one indiscretion in years is the cause of all this.
So here is what I know:
I have only been with W since 1990 up until last Saturday.
W swears that he has only been with me in that same time period.
W and I have only attempted intercourse once in the last year, about three weeks ago.
J swears that he has not been with anyone in six months, and for several years before that only with T.
J and I have only been together once, just two days before I am diagnosed.
So I don't know. Could I have had this for years with no symptoms? Could W have had it for years with no symptoms and only recently passed it on to me? Likewise, could J have had it for some time but not known it and passed it on to me?
Boy, oh boy, oh boy. I know I've wanted to leave W, but somehow I wanted it to be on my own terms in my own timing. Now I risk being found out and booted out. Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Breathe, just breathe.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Transcript of email I sent J last night
J,
Just letting you know how much I enjoyed yesterday.
You never really know how you will feel about something after the fact. I could say all day that I wouldn't regret it beforehand, but really wasn't sure how I'd feel today. Fortunately, I was right. I have no regrets at all. Well, just one. I regret that I was nervous and somewhat inhibited. I can be a lot more fun, but circumstances made me hold back somewhat. If I'm lucky, I'll get to show you someday the less inhibited me.
I hope you also have no regrets, but if you do I'll respect that and back off. On the other hand, if you also enjoyed yesterday and want to continue to occasionally get together, I'm all for it. Even if I stay with W, I can probably find a Saturday afternoon here and there though I can't always spend as much as I did yesterday.
Gotta go. W is heading downstairs.
Love,
Trueself
Just letting you know how much I enjoyed yesterday.
You never really know how you will feel about something after the fact. I could say all day that I wouldn't regret it beforehand, but really wasn't sure how I'd feel today. Fortunately, I was right. I have no regrets at all. Well, just one. I regret that I was nervous and somewhat inhibited. I can be a lot more fun, but circumstances made me hold back somewhat. If I'm lucky, I'll get to show you someday the less inhibited me.
I hope you also have no regrets, but if you do I'll respect that and back off. On the other hand, if you also enjoyed yesterday and want to continue to occasionally get together, I'm all for it. Even if I stay with W, I can probably find a Saturday afternoon here and there though I can't always spend as much as I did yesterday.
Gotta go. W is heading downstairs.
Love,
Trueself
We Did IT!
After my email to J on Thursday, he called me on Friday evening on my cell phone. I had carried my cell phone with me every second that evening in hopes he would call, but when he did, I had left it in another room and didn’t hear it ring. Didn’t notice I had missed a call until I was getting ready for bed at almost midnight. Decided it was too late to call him back. Besides, it would be very hard to explain to W what phone call I might need to make at that time.
I didn’t sleep well Friday night, and woke up around 3:00 a.m. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t so I finally got up and watched some TV, played some games on the PC, tried to wait until a decent hour to call J. At 8:00 I tried to call him, but got voicemail and left a message. After trading a couple more messages, we finally connected around 11:00 that morning. We talked for more than half an hour. J told me exactly where he stands on everything. He loves me, but he also loves his wife. He says he is busting his ass trying to patch things up with her (I did point out to him later in the day that his involvement with me kind of contradicts that), and she is considering letting him move back in. He wants for their marriage to survive more than anything. As much as I didn’t like hearing that, at least I know and knowing is good. He also said that, in the meantime, he would really like to hook up with me, that he knows that it sounds like he is trying to have his cake and eat it to, that he is just using me. I said to him that maybe I was just using him too, that although I’ve said over and over I’m leaving W, I haven’t left yet and that W is making a lot of effort to try and keep me. J told me that I could call him anytime and ask him to meet me somewhere private, and he would. (It is interesting to me that he and I always talk in euphemisms, never going so far as to say anything blunt about what we were about to do. Although now that I think about it, I do think at one point in the conversation J did say that he would like to make love to me.) I told him that if I could figure out a way to do it I would, but I wasn’t sure I could figure out a way. We hung up. I stewed, I thought, I looked up motels about midway between where we live. I called W, who was at N’s baseball game, and told him I was upset by J’s call, that J and I had been very hateful to one another on the phone, that he no longer had to worry about J because it was all very much over (ooooh, the lies, the lies). I told him I wasn’t going to make it to the game because I needed to have a good cry. I called a motel that I had found, made a reservation, and took a deep breath. I called J and asked him how long it would take him to get to yyyyyyy. He said about an hour and a half. I asked J if he would meet me there. “When?” he asked. “Now,” I said. “Okay,” he said. I told him I would be there before he would and call him with an exact location after I got checked in. We hung up, and I took another deep breath.
I wrote W a note that said “Went for a drive. Need to think. Don’t want N to see me this upset.” I taped it to the door to the house where I knew he would see it. It was now about 1:00 in the afternoon. By 2:00 I was checking in at the motel, having stopped on the way at a drugstore to buy a toothbrush, toothpaste, razor and shaving cream. I needed fresh breath and smooth legs for this adventure and had left the house without thinking of these things. I was a bit taken aback when, I guess because I was paying cash, the motel clerk asked for my driver’s license and made a copy of it. Hmmm, so much for having given the fake address when I made the reservation. I went up to the room, and called J. I told him where I was and the room number and told him he better show up and not chicken out. He said he’d be there. Then I went in the bathroom, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth, put on a little makeup, tried to make my hair look presentable. Then I waited. I waited for what seemed to be the longest time but was probably about 20 minutes. I turned on the TV, but there isn’t anything good on TV on Saturday afternoon. I finally settled on MSNBC just for background noise. I paced. I got the Bible that the Gideons so kindly placed in the room, and I read Exodus 20. Yep, just as I suspected. “Thou shalt not commit adultery” was still there. I thought so. I put the Bible back. I paced some more. I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to breathe normally instead of the quick shallow breaths I seemed to be taking.
There was a knock at the door, a very quiet knock. I got up and looked through the peephole. J was there, kind of pacing in front of the door. I opened the door, and he came in. We greeted one another with nervous smiles. I don’t remember what we said to one another when he first arrived. It’s just all lost in the jumble of emotions I was feeling at that time – a supercharged combo of nervousness, fear, excitement, anticipation, love, and lust.
I sat on the bed. He sat down on the other bed facing me. We talked. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. I told him that I had thought about all he’d said on the phone earlier, that I had had to think it over and decide if I was okay with all of it, and I had decided that I am. I told him that if I was going to have an affair I would rather have one with someone I love than with someone I just picked up somewhere. He moved over to the bed I was on, and we got down to business.
I would like to say there were fireworks, that the earth moved, that birds sang. Ah, but that would not be the truth. The truth is we were somewhat awkward, as sex often is the first time with someone. Having been celibate for the last year, I was also out of practice, and I was nervous and rather inhibited. Don’t get me wrong, though. It was good. It was very good in an I-haven’t-done-this-forever-and-am-desperate-for-it kind of way. Just before penetration, J stopped and asked if I was absolutely sure because there would be no going back from here. I said a simple yes, and we went beyond the point of no return. Afterward, we laid there, legs intertwined and talked. We talked about everything and nothing. After a while, we resumed for act two.
In my opinion, the afternoon was over too soon, but I knew I had to get home in a reasonable amount of time or my “out for a drive” story was going to lose its credibility. I got up and took a quick shower to hopefully eliminate any evidence of our indiscretion. When I got out, J was almost dressed. As I dressed, he kissed me goodbye and left. It was a bit more abrupt than I would have liked, but I understand J not wanting to drag out the goodbyes. So I said “See ya’” as nonchalantly as I could as he went out the door. I finished dressing, and went home, arriving shortly after 5:00. I’d been gone about 4 hours. My “drive” served as a good cover story, and W bought it completely.
Am I completely happy with how things are going? No, I would love to have J completely, but I’m satisfied with what I have for now. As long as we are both honest with each other about what we’re doing and what we want out of it, I am happy to continue the relationship at this level. As a matter of fact, I’ve been in a better frame of mind since Saturday afternoon than I have in a long, long time. Life’s not too bad right now. . .for a change.
I didn’t sleep well Friday night, and woke up around 3:00 a.m. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t so I finally got up and watched some TV, played some games on the PC, tried to wait until a decent hour to call J. At 8:00 I tried to call him, but got voicemail and left a message. After trading a couple more messages, we finally connected around 11:00 that morning. We talked for more than half an hour. J told me exactly where he stands on everything. He loves me, but he also loves his wife. He says he is busting his ass trying to patch things up with her (I did point out to him later in the day that his involvement with me kind of contradicts that), and she is considering letting him move back in. He wants for their marriage to survive more than anything. As much as I didn’t like hearing that, at least I know and knowing is good. He also said that, in the meantime, he would really like to hook up with me, that he knows that it sounds like he is trying to have his cake and eat it to, that he is just using me. I said to him that maybe I was just using him too, that although I’ve said over and over I’m leaving W, I haven’t left yet and that W is making a lot of effort to try and keep me. J told me that I could call him anytime and ask him to meet me somewhere private, and he would. (It is interesting to me that he and I always talk in euphemisms, never going so far as to say anything blunt about what we were about to do. Although now that I think about it, I do think at one point in the conversation J did say that he would like to make love to me.) I told him that if I could figure out a way to do it I would, but I wasn’t sure I could figure out a way. We hung up. I stewed, I thought, I looked up motels about midway between where we live. I called W, who was at N’s baseball game, and told him I was upset by J’s call, that J and I had been very hateful to one another on the phone, that he no longer had to worry about J because it was all very much over (ooooh, the lies, the lies). I told him I wasn’t going to make it to the game because I needed to have a good cry. I called a motel that I had found, made a reservation, and took a deep breath. I called J and asked him how long it would take him to get to yyyyyyy. He said about an hour and a half. I asked J if he would meet me there. “When?” he asked. “Now,” I said. “Okay,” he said. I told him I would be there before he would and call him with an exact location after I got checked in. We hung up, and I took another deep breath.
I wrote W a note that said “Went for a drive. Need to think. Don’t want N to see me this upset.” I taped it to the door to the house where I knew he would see it. It was now about 1:00 in the afternoon. By 2:00 I was checking in at the motel, having stopped on the way at a drugstore to buy a toothbrush, toothpaste, razor and shaving cream. I needed fresh breath and smooth legs for this adventure and had left the house without thinking of these things. I was a bit taken aback when, I guess because I was paying cash, the motel clerk asked for my driver’s license and made a copy of it. Hmmm, so much for having given the fake address when I made the reservation. I went up to the room, and called J. I told him where I was and the room number and told him he better show up and not chicken out. He said he’d be there. Then I went in the bathroom, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth, put on a little makeup, tried to make my hair look presentable. Then I waited. I waited for what seemed to be the longest time but was probably about 20 minutes. I turned on the TV, but there isn’t anything good on TV on Saturday afternoon. I finally settled on MSNBC just for background noise. I paced. I got the Bible that the Gideons so kindly placed in the room, and I read Exodus 20. Yep, just as I suspected. “Thou shalt not commit adultery” was still there. I thought so. I put the Bible back. I paced some more. I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to breathe normally instead of the quick shallow breaths I seemed to be taking.
There was a knock at the door, a very quiet knock. I got up and looked through the peephole. J was there, kind of pacing in front of the door. I opened the door, and he came in. We greeted one another with nervous smiles. I don’t remember what we said to one another when he first arrived. It’s just all lost in the jumble of emotions I was feeling at that time – a supercharged combo of nervousness, fear, excitement, anticipation, love, and lust.
I sat on the bed. He sat down on the other bed facing me. We talked. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. I told him that I had thought about all he’d said on the phone earlier, that I had had to think it over and decide if I was okay with all of it, and I had decided that I am. I told him that if I was going to have an affair I would rather have one with someone I love than with someone I just picked up somewhere. He moved over to the bed I was on, and we got down to business.
I would like to say there were fireworks, that the earth moved, that birds sang. Ah, but that would not be the truth. The truth is we were somewhat awkward, as sex often is the first time with someone. Having been celibate for the last year, I was also out of practice, and I was nervous and rather inhibited. Don’t get me wrong, though. It was good. It was very good in an I-haven’t-done-this-forever-and-am-desperate-for-it kind of way. Just before penetration, J stopped and asked if I was absolutely sure because there would be no going back from here. I said a simple yes, and we went beyond the point of no return. Afterward, we laid there, legs intertwined and talked. We talked about everything and nothing. After a while, we resumed for act two.
In my opinion, the afternoon was over too soon, but I knew I had to get home in a reasonable amount of time or my “out for a drive” story was going to lose its credibility. I got up and took a quick shower to hopefully eliminate any evidence of our indiscretion. When I got out, J was almost dressed. As I dressed, he kissed me goodbye and left. It was a bit more abrupt than I would have liked, but I understand J not wanting to drag out the goodbyes. So I said “See ya’” as nonchalantly as I could as he went out the door. I finished dressing, and went home, arriving shortly after 5:00. I’d been gone about 4 hours. My “drive” served as a good cover story, and W bought it completely.
Am I completely happy with how things are going? No, I would love to have J completely, but I’m satisfied with what I have for now. As long as we are both honest with each other about what we’re doing and what we want out of it, I am happy to continue the relationship at this level. As a matter of fact, I’ve been in a better frame of mind since Saturday afternoon than I have in a long, long time. Life’s not too bad right now. . .for a change.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Can't Leave it Alone
This morning I sent J this email:
J,
Okay, you might just as well respond to me at some point because I’m just not going to let go of this until you do.
Here’s what I need to know. I need to know where you stand right now. I need to know if I should throw away my fantasies, set them high up on a shelf, or if I should wait for you. I need to know if you want nothing to do with me, or if you want to be “hi, how ya’ doin’” friends, or if you want to be lovers, or if you want to work on making a real relationship with me. I need to know these things so that I can move on with my life in whatever direction I’m going to go, and right now I’ve kind of put myself in a holding pattern waiting to see if you want to be a part of my life or not. I’m confused because I have gotten very mixed messages from you. I think you love me, then I think you don’t. I think you want a relationship with me, but I don’t know what kind. Then I think maybe you don’t want anything to do with me at all. I am so confused that I don’t know how to move on from here, but I can’t stay stuck in this spot. So I need to know where you stand. I think you know where I stand, but if not, ask me.
And please, please, please do not hold my email from a couple of days ago against me. I was venting. I needed to vent, but I should have just written it in Word and deleted it. I never should have sent it. It was impulsive and rash, like too many of the things I do. Please know that I have vowed to think before acting from now on and have thought long and hard about this email and edited to where it says what I really, really want to say.
Please email me, call me, come see me, write me a letter, communicate with me in any possible way. I really need to know the answers to the questions I’ve raised here.
Here is all my contact information (home info is good only until I move out, hopefully within the next month or so once I find a place), so no excuses for not communicating:
Work:
Company
99999 N. Street, Suite 999
City, ST 99999
999-999-9999
first.last@company.com
Home:
99999 Street Name
City, ST 99999
999-999-9999 home
999-999-9999 cell
emailname@isp.com
Love,
Trueself
If it's over, it's over, but I just need to hear him say it. I need to know for sure. I hate that I keep hanging onto this thread of hope when I don't know for sure that it isn't valid. Hopefully, I will hear something from J this weekend. Hopefully. . .
J,
Okay, you might just as well respond to me at some point because I’m just not going to let go of this until you do.
Here’s what I need to know. I need to know where you stand right now. I need to know if I should throw away my fantasies, set them high up on a shelf, or if I should wait for you. I need to know if you want nothing to do with me, or if you want to be “hi, how ya’ doin’” friends, or if you want to be lovers, or if you want to work on making a real relationship with me. I need to know these things so that I can move on with my life in whatever direction I’m going to go, and right now I’ve kind of put myself in a holding pattern waiting to see if you want to be a part of my life or not. I’m confused because I have gotten very mixed messages from you. I think you love me, then I think you don’t. I think you want a relationship with me, but I don’t know what kind. Then I think maybe you don’t want anything to do with me at all. I am so confused that I don’t know how to move on from here, but I can’t stay stuck in this spot. So I need to know where you stand. I think you know where I stand, but if not, ask me.
And please, please, please do not hold my email from a couple of days ago against me. I was venting. I needed to vent, but I should have just written it in Word and deleted it. I never should have sent it. It was impulsive and rash, like too many of the things I do. Please know that I have vowed to think before acting from now on and have thought long and hard about this email and edited to where it says what I really, really want to say.
Please email me, call me, come see me, write me a letter, communicate with me in any possible way. I really need to know the answers to the questions I’ve raised here.
Here is all my contact information (home info is good only until I move out, hopefully within the next month or so once I find a place), so no excuses for not communicating:
Work:
Company
99999 N. Street, Suite 999
City, ST 99999
999-999-9999
first.last@company.com
Home:
99999 Street Name
City, ST 99999
999-999-9999 home
999-999-9999 cell
emailname@isp.com
Love,
Trueself
If it's over, it's over, but I just need to hear him say it. I need to know for sure. I hate that I keep hanging onto this thread of hope when I don't know for sure that it isn't valid. Hopefully, I will hear something from J this weekend. Hopefully. . .
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Coming to My Senses?
I sent J an apology this afternoon. Somehow though my email ended up with a glitch and the body of the email wasn't there which I found out when I went to copy it to post here. So I just now sent the following email to J:
J,
For some reason, apparently the body of this email didn't show up in the original I sent you so I'm trying again.
I hope you haven't read yesterday's email yet. If not, please don't read it and just delete it.
If you have already read it, let me offer my sincere apology. Although life sucks right now, it is my fault not yours, and I had no right nor reason to try to blame it on you or anyone else. I am very, very sorry.
Love,
Trueself
Apparently I have come to my senses just a bit and am trying to make amends. I can't believe the wild tear I went on yesterday and part of today. My emotions are so out of control these days. I've really got to stop doing without thinking. Thinking. . . Thinking must be accomplished prior to acting. Must.Remember.This.
J,
For some reason, apparently the body of this email didn't show up in the original I sent you so I'm trying again.
I hope you haven't read yesterday's email yet. If not, please don't read it and just delete it.
If you have already read it, let me offer my sincere apology. Although life sucks right now, it is my fault not yours, and I had no right nor reason to try to blame it on you or anyone else. I am very, very sorry.
Love,
Trueself
Apparently I have come to my senses just a bit and am trying to make amends. I can't believe the wild tear I went on yesterday and part of today. My emotions are so out of control these days. I've really got to stop doing without thinking. Thinking. . . Thinking must be accomplished prior to acting. Must.Remember.This.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
It's Over, But It's Not Over
You know how sometimes something is over, but you just can't let go of it? That's where I am now. The whole stupid idea of having a relationship with J is over, but I can't quite let go of it yet. My whole marriage to W is over, but I can't quite let go yet.
I've been looking at ads for condos for sale. For a while, W and I had talked about buying a condo, renting it out and having it paid for by the time I'm ready to retire (given that he's almost 30 years older than me we figured that by the time I retire it'll be just me). Now, I'm thinking that I could buy a condo, move into it while W and I decide what we're going to do. If we reconcile, then we can go ahead and rent it out as originally planned. If we split permanently, then I've got somewhere permanent to live. Hopefully, I'll soon make the decision to call the realtor and get started on the search for real.
On the J front, I haven't heard from him -- no response to my last email so in typical bull-in-the-china-closet fashion I've fired off two more to him.
I sent this one in the middle of the night last night (stupid insomnia):
J,
I wish I could get back my earlier reply to this message. I'm afraid I may have made things sound worse than they are. W is not awful. He just doesn't trust me right now, and who can blame him? Obviously, if he had any idea that I had called you first on Friday, and why, he would be even less likely to trust me. So anyway, he pretty much keeps an eye on me at home, watching over my shoulder when I'm on the computer and listening in when I'm on the phone, but he isn't doing anything awful to me, isn't hitting me or yelling at me or anything. I just get tired of him spying on me all the time. I just wanted to make that clear in case I gave the impression in my first reply that he is somehow being mean to me or something. He's not. While he may be able to keep an eye on me at home, he can't when I'm at work plus since I can't sleep I'm often up in the middle of the night like now so I still have some amount of freedom. I'm sure if I behave myself for a while things will all settle back down. Had I followed through with my plan last weekend to just take off for a couple of days, I'm sure I would have caused waaaaay more problems for myself than I would have ever solved so thank goodness I came to my senses. So I guess I've matured a little bit in the last 20 years. Interesting though that my first thought when I'm uncomfortable somewhere is just to run away. Not the best life strategy, as evidenced by the regrets I've had over the first time I did it. Sorry, I didn't mean this to go on and on like this. Just don't want you worrying about me (not that you would anyway, but a girl can always hope).
Love,
Trueself
Okay, so that was bad enough.
After thinking too many sleep deprived thoughts I fired off another email to J this morning:
Damn you.
Damn you for coming back into my life.
Damn you for not loving me the same way I love you.
Damn you for messing with my head for the past month.
Damn you for being the one person that could back into my life and completely fuck with my head and turn my life upside down.
Damn you for breaking my heart just like I knew you would.
Damn you for not wanting to make love to me as much as I wanted you to.
Damn you for showing me how wonderful you are and what I’ve missed out on.
Damn you for making me see what a mess my current marriage is and making it impossible for me to stay in it.
Damn you, damn you, damn you.
Does this give you the satisfaction you wanted, the knowledge that you have completely and totally broken my heart? Will you laugh with your friends over this, talking about how stupid and ridiculous I am? I should have known it was too good to be true, that you might love me the way I love you, that you might be as eager to be with me as I was to be with you. You asked a while back how you could break my heart. Well, you’ve done it. For probably 15 years I’ve waited and hoped and dreamed of the day when you might want me back. Then you emailed me last month. You lead me on. You continued to act as though maybe you were interested but always holding back just a little. You let me pour out my soul to you while guarding yours. You gave me hope. I tried to get you to just tell me that nothing could happen between us. You wouldn’t. You let me have my fantasies. You let my imagination run wild, and now I am paying the price for it. How much longer would you allow me to have these fantasies before finally telling me that there is no hope for us to be together? How much longer would it be before I would hear from you that you and Terri are getting back together? Was I so cruel to you back then that this is your way of getting me back by leading me on making me believe in something that can never be? I knew, deep down, years ago that you would never love me as much as I love you. I think that is the biggest reason I ran off, so that I never had to have my heart broken by you. Yet all I did was delay it. But it’s over now. You can’t hurt me anymore because I’m hurt as bad as anybody can be. I am destroyed.
And now my life is a shambles. Although I haven’t told W yet, as soon as I can find a place to live, I am leaving him. There is no going back for us. It is over. I know I don’t love W the way I did when we were first together and haven’t for a long time. It just took something big to shake me out of my complacency. Damn you for being that catalyst. Damn him for trying so hard now to make up for all the years of coldness towards me. Too little, too late. Is that how you feel about me and my love for you? Is it too little, too late? Has it been fun watching me disintegrate before your eyes? Has it given you the satisfaction of having your revenge on me? Has it made you feel better? I sure as hell hope so because there ought to be something worthwhile come out of all of this.
It actually felt good writing this, kind of cathartic, although I will admit to still holding on to the tiniest hope that it will make J feel bad and somehow send him running back to me. Ha! That sounds as ridiculous to me as I'm sure it does to anybody else that might read this. Oh God. Why can't I make J love me?
I've been looking at ads for condos for sale. For a while, W and I had talked about buying a condo, renting it out and having it paid for by the time I'm ready to retire (given that he's almost 30 years older than me we figured that by the time I retire it'll be just me). Now, I'm thinking that I could buy a condo, move into it while W and I decide what we're going to do. If we reconcile, then we can go ahead and rent it out as originally planned. If we split permanently, then I've got somewhere permanent to live. Hopefully, I'll soon make the decision to call the realtor and get started on the search for real.
On the J front, I haven't heard from him -- no response to my last email so in typical bull-in-the-china-closet fashion I've fired off two more to him.
I sent this one in the middle of the night last night (stupid insomnia):
J,
I wish I could get back my earlier reply to this message. I'm afraid I may have made things sound worse than they are. W is not awful. He just doesn't trust me right now, and who can blame him? Obviously, if he had any idea that I had called you first on Friday, and why, he would be even less likely to trust me. So anyway, he pretty much keeps an eye on me at home, watching over my shoulder when I'm on the computer and listening in when I'm on the phone, but he isn't doing anything awful to me, isn't hitting me or yelling at me or anything. I just get tired of him spying on me all the time. I just wanted to make that clear in case I gave the impression in my first reply that he is somehow being mean to me or something. He's not. While he may be able to keep an eye on me at home, he can't when I'm at work plus since I can't sleep I'm often up in the middle of the night like now so I still have some amount of freedom. I'm sure if I behave myself for a while things will all settle back down. Had I followed through with my plan last weekend to just take off for a couple of days, I'm sure I would have caused waaaaay more problems for myself than I would have ever solved so thank goodness I came to my senses. So I guess I've matured a little bit in the last 20 years. Interesting though that my first thought when I'm uncomfortable somewhere is just to run away. Not the best life strategy, as evidenced by the regrets I've had over the first time I did it. Sorry, I didn't mean this to go on and on like this. Just don't want you worrying about me (not that you would anyway, but a girl can always hope).
Love,
Trueself
Okay, so that was bad enough.
After thinking too many sleep deprived thoughts I fired off another email to J this morning:
Damn you.
Damn you for coming back into my life.
Damn you for not loving me the same way I love you.
Damn you for messing with my head for the past month.
Damn you for being the one person that could back into my life and completely fuck with my head and turn my life upside down.
Damn you for breaking my heart just like I knew you would.
Damn you for not wanting to make love to me as much as I wanted you to.
Damn you for showing me how wonderful you are and what I’ve missed out on.
Damn you for making me see what a mess my current marriage is and making it impossible for me to stay in it.
Damn you, damn you, damn you.
Does this give you the satisfaction you wanted, the knowledge that you have completely and totally broken my heart? Will you laugh with your friends over this, talking about how stupid and ridiculous I am? I should have known it was too good to be true, that you might love me the way I love you, that you might be as eager to be with me as I was to be with you. You asked a while back how you could break my heart. Well, you’ve done it. For probably 15 years I’ve waited and hoped and dreamed of the day when you might want me back. Then you emailed me last month. You lead me on. You continued to act as though maybe you were interested but always holding back just a little. You let me pour out my soul to you while guarding yours. You gave me hope. I tried to get you to just tell me that nothing could happen between us. You wouldn’t. You let me have my fantasies. You let my imagination run wild, and now I am paying the price for it. How much longer would you allow me to have these fantasies before finally telling me that there is no hope for us to be together? How much longer would it be before I would hear from you that you and Terri are getting back together? Was I so cruel to you back then that this is your way of getting me back by leading me on making me believe in something that can never be? I knew, deep down, years ago that you would never love me as much as I love you. I think that is the biggest reason I ran off, so that I never had to have my heart broken by you. Yet all I did was delay it. But it’s over now. You can’t hurt me anymore because I’m hurt as bad as anybody can be. I am destroyed.
And now my life is a shambles. Although I haven’t told W yet, as soon as I can find a place to live, I am leaving him. There is no going back for us. It is over. I know I don’t love W the way I did when we were first together and haven’t for a long time. It just took something big to shake me out of my complacency. Damn you for being that catalyst. Damn him for trying so hard now to make up for all the years of coldness towards me. Too little, too late. Is that how you feel about me and my love for you? Is it too little, too late? Has it been fun watching me disintegrate before your eyes? Has it given you the satisfaction of having your revenge on me? Has it made you feel better? I sure as hell hope so because there ought to be something worthwhile come out of all of this.
It actually felt good writing this, kind of cathartic, although I will admit to still holding on to the tiniest hope that it will make J feel bad and somehow send him running back to me. Ha! That sounds as ridiculous to me as I'm sure it does to anybody else that might read this. Oh God. Why can't I make J love me?
Monday, May 08, 2006
Is Swinging the Answer?
W seems to think so. He thinks we ought to consider getting back into it. We were swingers for about 3 or 4 years, from a few months prior to our marriage through a few years into the marriage. It was fun, sort of. W was definitely more comfortable doing it than I was. We probably only partied with about half a dozen different couples in all the time we were swinging. The best part to me was the contact with other females as I am probably squarely in the middle on the continuum of the straight to gay scale.
So now W thinks we ought to start swinging again, says he's been thinking about it for at least a year or more. He thinks this will help with my need for physical contact. I completely disagree, but I didn't tell him so when he brought it up last night. I wanted to try to find out as much as I could about what he was thinking so I kind of went along with the idea although I did express some hesitation. I asked what he would get out of this since his participation would be limited due to physical limitations. He said he would enjoy watching. So I guess I would make a good peep show. I asked if he wanted another couple or just another female. He wants another couple.
Okay, this is not, not, NOT going to work for me. While I might not mind messing around with another woman, I have no desire to have any men in my bed other than J or W (and of course J is the absolute last person W would want there). Also, I'm not sure I want to provide a live "show" for W. Ewwwwww.
Geez, things just go from bad to worse around here.
So now W thinks we ought to start swinging again, says he's been thinking about it for at least a year or more. He thinks this will help with my need for physical contact. I completely disagree, but I didn't tell him so when he brought it up last night. I wanted to try to find out as much as I could about what he was thinking so I kind of went along with the idea although I did express some hesitation. I asked what he would get out of this since his participation would be limited due to physical limitations. He said he would enjoy watching. So I guess I would make a good peep show. I asked if he wanted another couple or just another female. He wants another couple.
Okay, this is not, not, NOT going to work for me. While I might not mind messing around with another woman, I have no desire to have any men in my bed other than J or W (and of course J is the absolute last person W would want there). Also, I'm not sure I want to provide a live "show" for W. Ewwwwww.
Geez, things just go from bad to worse around here.
I was Wrong, Still Posting Here
Well, for pity sakes, I can't seem to let go of this. I'm losing my mind, and in the process, I'm probably going to lose both J and W.
On Friday, which was a very tough day for me, I was back in the depths of the black hole (my way of referring to my clinical depression). I was pretty convinced that I was going to drive away somewhere, anywhere, for the weekend. I just wanted to get away and be by myself. Then I thought, well, if I'm going to just disappear for the weekend why not invite J to join me? At least we can have one night together. I know, I know, makes no sense, but I wasn't thinking very clearly at the time. So I called J on his cell phone late afternoon on Friday. I knew he would still be at work so I thought he wouldn't pick up and I could just leave him a message. On the fourth ring, he picked up. I hung up, panic stricken. Later, as soon as he got off work, he called my cell phone. When it rang I knew it was probably him. I looked at the display and it was. I didn't answer. He left a voicemail sounding kind of angry that I had called and hung up. I couldn't call back as I was at home, and W was there, and I didn't want him to know what idiocy his wife was up to. I thought I would call later when I went to my appointment to see my therapist, but I couldn't get up the nerve. I did have a bag all packed and in my car with clothes and things for the weekend. I was still debating just taking off for somewhere. Somehow, somewhere deep inside of me, there is a responsible person, and I knew that although I didn't so much care if I hurt W, I really don't want to hurt N, my son, if I can help it. So I went home after therapy instead of on some wild weekend of freedom.
Saturday was a nightmare of a day. I wanted so badly to be away, away from W, away from N, away from my own internal demons. I picked a fight with W. Fortunately, N was down the street at a friend's house. W and I argued. I admitted to him that I never got over J, that I was never 100% sure that I made the right decision so long ago. We discussed separating, but W was on to me and pushed hard against it. He knows that if we separate I am going to spend more time trying to develop a relationship with J than in trying to repair our marriage. I never agreed to stay, but I also let the separation topic drop. Also, W realized that in order to keep me around he's going to have to keep me on a short leash as I was honest enough to tell him that I am having trouble staying away from J.
Yesterday I got this email from J:
Hi Trueself.
I don't have a lot of time right now to answer your last e mail but I will ask you why you called me Friday, then hung up. I tried to answer then I tried calling you back. I will talk to you later.
Love,
J
So I emailed back:
J,
The only answer I have is temporary insanity. I was seriously considering taking off and just going away for the weekend and was calling to find out if you would meet me somewhere. Then I chickened out. Then W asked why you called (when you called back I couldn't answer because he was right there with me) and why I had your number saved in my cell phone. [This didn't actually happen, but I was covering my butt for why I hadn't called back.] Apparently even though he said earlier that he wouldn't mind if I stayed in touch with you, he actually does mind. [Well, that part is true based on our Saturday fight.] The rest of the weekend has been hell. The only reason I even got to check my email right now is because W fell asleep a little while ago. [Again, this is true. W was really keeping a close eye on me every time I got close to the computer.]
I'm very sorry I bothered you on Friday. It was stupid and won't happen again. [At least, I hope it won't happen again. I don't want to scare J away from me.]
Love,
Trueself
I realize that I am being very manipulative here with both J and W. I am trying to make W sound worse than he is to J so that J will want to rescue me. I am leading W on by insisting that I am trying to make our marriage work when I am actually trying to find a way out that doesn't require me to be the courageous one. I am trying to have it all, and in the process, I'm afraid I'll lose it all. I am playing very, very dangerous games here, and I've simply got to find a way to stop it.
Unfortunately, all I can think about now is when will J contact me again, and what will he say?
On Friday, which was a very tough day for me, I was back in the depths of the black hole (my way of referring to my clinical depression). I was pretty convinced that I was going to drive away somewhere, anywhere, for the weekend. I just wanted to get away and be by myself. Then I thought, well, if I'm going to just disappear for the weekend why not invite J to join me? At least we can have one night together. I know, I know, makes no sense, but I wasn't thinking very clearly at the time. So I called J on his cell phone late afternoon on Friday. I knew he would still be at work so I thought he wouldn't pick up and I could just leave him a message. On the fourth ring, he picked up. I hung up, panic stricken. Later, as soon as he got off work, he called my cell phone. When it rang I knew it was probably him. I looked at the display and it was. I didn't answer. He left a voicemail sounding kind of angry that I had called and hung up. I couldn't call back as I was at home, and W was there, and I didn't want him to know what idiocy his wife was up to. I thought I would call later when I went to my appointment to see my therapist, but I couldn't get up the nerve. I did have a bag all packed and in my car with clothes and things for the weekend. I was still debating just taking off for somewhere. Somehow, somewhere deep inside of me, there is a responsible person, and I knew that although I didn't so much care if I hurt W, I really don't want to hurt N, my son, if I can help it. So I went home after therapy instead of on some wild weekend of freedom.
Saturday was a nightmare of a day. I wanted so badly to be away, away from W, away from N, away from my own internal demons. I picked a fight with W. Fortunately, N was down the street at a friend's house. W and I argued. I admitted to him that I never got over J, that I was never 100% sure that I made the right decision so long ago. We discussed separating, but W was on to me and pushed hard against it. He knows that if we separate I am going to spend more time trying to develop a relationship with J than in trying to repair our marriage. I never agreed to stay, but I also let the separation topic drop. Also, W realized that in order to keep me around he's going to have to keep me on a short leash as I was honest enough to tell him that I am having trouble staying away from J.
Yesterday I got this email from J:
Hi Trueself.
I don't have a lot of time right now to answer your last e mail but I will ask you why you called me Friday, then hung up. I tried to answer then I tried calling you back. I will talk to you later.
Love,
J
So I emailed back:
J,
The only answer I have is temporary insanity. I was seriously considering taking off and just going away for the weekend and was calling to find out if you would meet me somewhere. Then I chickened out. Then W asked why you called (when you called back I couldn't answer because he was right there with me) and why I had your number saved in my cell phone. [This didn't actually happen, but I was covering my butt for why I hadn't called back.] Apparently even though he said earlier that he wouldn't mind if I stayed in touch with you, he actually does mind. [Well, that part is true based on our Saturday fight.] The rest of the weekend has been hell. The only reason I even got to check my email right now is because W fell asleep a little while ago. [Again, this is true. W was really keeping a close eye on me every time I got close to the computer.]
I'm very sorry I bothered you on Friday. It was stupid and won't happen again. [At least, I hope it won't happen again. I don't want to scare J away from me.]
Love,
Trueself
I realize that I am being very manipulative here with both J and W. I am trying to make W sound worse than he is to J so that J will want to rescue me. I am leading W on by insisting that I am trying to make our marriage work when I am actually trying to find a way out that doesn't require me to be the courageous one. I am trying to have it all, and in the process, I'm afraid I'll lose it all. I am playing very, very dangerous games here, and I've simply got to find a way to stop it.
Unfortunately, all I can think about now is when will J contact me again, and what will he say?
Thursday, May 04, 2006
This will probably be the last post in this blog
It is over. This morning I sent the following email:
J,
It’s been a really rough few days at my house. W and I have been through a lot of discussions. I just want to share with you where I am right now in my head and my heart. Then I will leave you alone if that is your choice.
W very badly wants our marriage to work. He has bent over backwards the last few days trying. Staying with W can’t be worse than it has been for the last 3 to 4 years, and if he really follows through with things he is promising me, it may get better.
On the other hand, seeing you last weekend did not help me “get over” you (which is what I thought would happen), but made me fall more deeply in love with you. You have my heart. I will continue to hope that someday you will be at a place where you and I can be together. Until (unless) I hear from you that you want that too, and are ready for that, I will stay with W and make the best of things for N’s sake. But if you do get to a point, whether it is tomorrow or ten years from now, that you want to try to make something out of you and me as a couple, let me know. I do not want to lose the chance for us to be together if we can be no matter when it is.
That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. W has told me he doesn’t mind if we stay in touch via email and phone so please stay in touch when you can. I don’t want to lose you entirely for another 20 years.
Love,
Trueself
So that's it. I don't expect to hear back from J for a while. I expect that he and T will work things out and continue their marriage, and that W and I will continue ours.
The moral of this entire story I believe is be very, very careful when you make decisions that may impact you for the remainder of your life. I made some very bad decisions 20+ years ago, and I am still living with them today.
J,
It’s been a really rough few days at my house. W and I have been through a lot of discussions. I just want to share with you where I am right now in my head and my heart. Then I will leave you alone if that is your choice.
W very badly wants our marriage to work. He has bent over backwards the last few days trying. Staying with W can’t be worse than it has been for the last 3 to 4 years, and if he really follows through with things he is promising me, it may get better.
On the other hand, seeing you last weekend did not help me “get over” you (which is what I thought would happen), but made me fall more deeply in love with you. You have my heart. I will continue to hope that someday you will be at a place where you and I can be together. Until (unless) I hear from you that you want that too, and are ready for that, I will stay with W and make the best of things for N’s sake. But if you do get to a point, whether it is tomorrow or ten years from now, that you want to try to make something out of you and me as a couple, let me know. I do not want to lose the chance for us to be together if we can be no matter when it is.
That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. W has told me he doesn’t mind if we stay in touch via email and phone so please stay in touch when you can. I don’t want to lose you entirely for another 20 years.
Love,
Trueself
So that's it. I don't expect to hear back from J for a while. I expect that he and T will work things out and continue their marriage, and that W and I will continue ours.
The moral of this entire story I believe is be very, very careful when you make decisions that may impact you for the remainder of your life. I made some very bad decisions 20+ years ago, and I am still living with them today.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Just Thinking
I didn’t post an entry yesterday because nothing at all has happened except I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, thinking about what I really want and the impact it could have.
Just because I want something doesn’t automatically mean that I should have it or that it is the best the thing for me. So I want J. So what? He hasn’t even said for sure that he wants me.
Here are my pros and cons list to try and help me decide what to do:
Pros of leaving W:
Free to be with J
End the frustration of being in a bad marriage
Cons of leaving W:
W will be devastated
Our son will no longer have an intact home
My family will be upset and W’s will say “Told you so”
Having to deal with all the divorce stuff like division of assets/custody of our son, etc
I will miss the things W does for me like everyday errands
No guarantee that J will want me
The con list is a whole lot longer than the pro list, but does ending the frustration trump all the rest? I guess this is where I get hung up. I would love to end the frustration, but W wants to show me that he can change, that this can all work out. Should I give him the chance? How many times? This isn’t, after all, the first time he has said this. I don’t want to stay only to find out that as soon as he is comfortable that I am staying he will change back to old behavior again like he has done in the past. Why should I expect this time to be different? I’m supposed to trust him, he says, to follow through this time. This time will be different, he says.
I haven’t heard from J since Sunday. He usually doesn’t email on Monday but always has on Tuesday before. (Oh, I have a history of a whole three weeks and am drawing conclusions from that?!? Ha!) I thought for sure that he would respond in some way yesterday to my emails from Sunday afternoon and Monday morning. Maybe he is thinking it over. Maybe he’s tired of me going on and on and on and figures if he doesn’t respond I’ll finally shut up and go away. Maybe he and T are getting back together. Maybe I should just stop obsessing over all this and get back to real life. Even I am getting sick of hearing about it.
Just because I want something doesn’t automatically mean that I should have it or that it is the best the thing for me. So I want J. So what? He hasn’t even said for sure that he wants me.
Here are my pros and cons list to try and help me decide what to do:
Pros of leaving W:
Free to be with J
End the frustration of being in a bad marriage
Cons of leaving W:
W will be devastated
Our son will no longer have an intact home
My family will be upset and W’s will say “Told you so”
Having to deal with all the divorce stuff like division of assets/custody of our son, etc
I will miss the things W does for me like everyday errands
No guarantee that J will want me
The con list is a whole lot longer than the pro list, but does ending the frustration trump all the rest? I guess this is where I get hung up. I would love to end the frustration, but W wants to show me that he can change, that this can all work out. Should I give him the chance? How many times? This isn’t, after all, the first time he has said this. I don’t want to stay only to find out that as soon as he is comfortable that I am staying he will change back to old behavior again like he has done in the past. Why should I expect this time to be different? I’m supposed to trust him, he says, to follow through this time. This time will be different, he says.
I haven’t heard from J since Sunday. He usually doesn’t email on Monday but always has on Tuesday before. (Oh, I have a history of a whole three weeks and am drawing conclusions from that?!? Ha!) I thought for sure that he would respond in some way yesterday to my emails from Sunday afternoon and Monday morning. Maybe he is thinking it over. Maybe he’s tired of me going on and on and on and figures if he doesn’t respond I’ll finally shut up and go away. Maybe he and T are getting back together. Maybe I should just stop obsessing over all this and get back to real life. Even I am getting sick of hearing about it.
Monday, May 01, 2006
More Emails
Yesterday morning me to J:
J,
Thanks for yesterday. In spite of being incredibly nervous beforehand, I thoroughly enjoyed our afternoon together. I am sorry we couldn't find anyplace more private to spend the afternoon. Perhaps we can do better next time.
I made good time getting home and arrived around 8:45. I think W suspects something because he has really pushed me for details about where I went shopping, where I had lunch and dinner, and so forth. I came close this morning to reminding him about the "Don't ask, don't tell" rule, but that would surely tip my hand so I just keep making up lie after lie about all the stores I went to, how frustrating it was not to find much that I wanted to buy, blah, blah, blah. I swear if he asks one more time, I may crack and just tell him the entire truth. No I won't, but I am getting tired of all the questions.
Hope you made it home okay.
Love,
Trueself
Mid-afternoon I received this email:
Trueself,
Yeah, I made it to my mother's house alright. This morning I went to church, and of course she came to my office. She invited me to lunch and to mmmm. We talked for an hour but I don't know how far I am getting. She says I am not getting very far but then she still wants to come around to talk more. I am just so confused by things. Life has got a big hold on me and I don't have a clue on what to do. Yesterday, I had fun. Catching up all these years was nice. Hope things go well on your end. Take care...
Love,
J
So I sent this reply back about an hour later:
This morning I emailed J to tell him what happened:
J,
Last night I cracked. I told W all about Saturday. (Actually, in the version I told him, there was more talking, less kissing.) He told me that he has suspected for years that this would happen at some point. That really, really surprised me.
He offered to step aside so I can have you if that is what I want, or to work on the marriage if that is what I want. I told him that I honestly don't know what I want right now.
I don't know where to go from here. Man, who knew life was going to be this complicated?
Love,
Trueself
J,
Thanks for yesterday. In spite of being incredibly nervous beforehand, I thoroughly enjoyed our afternoon together. I am sorry we couldn't find anyplace more private to spend the afternoon. Perhaps we can do better next time.
I made good time getting home and arrived around 8:45. I think W suspects something because he has really pushed me for details about where I went shopping, where I had lunch and dinner, and so forth. I came close this morning to reminding him about the "Don't ask, don't tell" rule, but that would surely tip my hand so I just keep making up lie after lie about all the stores I went to, how frustrating it was not to find much that I wanted to buy, blah, blah, blah. I swear if he asks one more time, I may crack and just tell him the entire truth. No I won't, but I am getting tired of all the questions.
Hope you made it home okay.
Love,
Trueself
Mid-afternoon I received this email:
Trueself,
Yeah, I made it to my mother's house alright. This morning I went to church, and of course she came to my office. She invited me to lunch and to mmmm. We talked for an hour but I don't know how far I am getting. She says I am not getting very far but then she still wants to come around to talk more. I am just so confused by things. Life has got a big hold on me and I don't have a clue on what to do. Yesterday, I had fun. Catching up all these years was nice. Hope things go well on your end. Take care...
Love,
J
So I sent this reply back about an hour later:
J,
You wrote, "I am just so confused by things. Life has got a big hold on me and I don't have a clue on what to do." It is truly not my intention to add to your confusion, but I imagine that I probably have. I don't know if any of this will help clarify anything for you, but here is my position on various aspects of this whole mess:
1) I think your family deserves your best effort at putting it back together, as does mine in keeping mine together.
2) W has agreed to go to marriage counselling in an effort to make things better.
3) Stupid as this may sound, I find myself being incredibly jealous whenever you write or talk about T.
4) In spite of what I said in #1 & #2, at this moment I want to run screaming from this marriage and see what could happen between you and me.
5) Rereading what I've just written, I realize I'm just as confused, or maybe more so, than you are.
Okay, I'm sure this didn't help your confusion at all, probably made it worse. Sorry.
Love,
Trueself
Last night, W and I talked. I 'fessed up to (almost) everything that happened on Saturday. We both cried.This morning I emailed J to tell him what happened:
J,
Last night I cracked. I told W all about Saturday. (Actually, in the version I told him, there was more talking, less kissing.) He told me that he has suspected for years that this would happen at some point. That really, really surprised me.
He offered to step aside so I can have you if that is what I want, or to work on the marriage if that is what I want. I told him that I honestly don't know what I want right now.
I don't know where to go from here. Man, who knew life was going to be this complicated?
Love,
Trueself
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