I'm not about to kill myself.
But it does seem like that would be the only way out here.
Guess I'm stuck.
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THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Anyone under 18 should leave immediately. This blog started as a place to chronicle my attempt at rekindling a long ago romance in spite of the fact that we were both married to others but evolved into a journal of my sexual revolution and now what is hopefully my maturation into a fully functional adult.
Just Who Do I Think I Am?
- Trueself
- A Little Place I Call Home, Midwest, United States
- I'm a middle-aged woman going through a midlife crisis. Sometimes I wonder if I'll live through it. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
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Posts
Countdowns
First anniversary of Mom's death.
Words to Live By
- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box. -- Unknown
- Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, mess or not. -- BJ
- The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.
- You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
- Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -- Plato
- Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. -- Matthew 7:1-5
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Who's Who in Trueself's World
- Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
- N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
- J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
- W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
- Freud - My therapist
- Dr K - My psychiatrist, the one who medicates me when the talk therapy with Freud just isn't enough
- Boss - My previous supervisor who used to scare the shit out of me and now I only find mildly annoying on most days.
- Snow White - A coworker, also psycho
- Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
- FU - My brother; the initials here may or may not represent what I would like to tell him most of the time
- FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
- Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
- Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
- RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
- TS2 - Former housemate who just so happens to have the same first name as I do. She drove W & N crazy, and sometimes me a little bit too, but the extra income from her rent sure helped.
- M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
- BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
- D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
- C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
- Q - W's girlfriend while he and I were separated
- H, K, & S - Guys I met online who shared with me various levels of adult type fun from time to time
- G & L - Guys I met online that went nowhere
- R & V - Women I met online that went nowhere
- T - J's second ex-wife
- If an actual name is used instead of just a letter it is generally not the real name but a name made up to protect anonymity.
Where Did You Say That Is?
- LNJ - Where I currently live (stands for Location of New Job)
- LOH - Where I lived before (stands for Location of Old Home)
- ST1 - Small Town 1, where I was born and where my grandparents lived
- TV1 - Tiny Village 1, where I spent infancy and a few years after TV2
- TV2 - Tiny Village 2, where I lived during toddlerhood
- TV3 - Tiny Village 3, where I spent most of my elementary school years
- ST2 - Small Town 2, where I lived during the high school/college years
An Eclectic Mix of Really Fine Blogs
- 2AMSomewhere
- Al Laddin Sayne
- All of Her Secrets
- An East Wind
- Attack of the Redneck Mommy
- Cassandra's Korner
- Code Name D.A.D.
- Crazy in Love
- Dad's Life
- Desperate Husband
- Down the Rabbit Hole
- Emily's Post
- Fade to Numb
- Finding My Way
- Foolish Mutterings
- For a Different Kind of Girl
- Freebird Flying
- Gotta Go My Own Way
- Gray?
- Her Bad Mother's Basement
- Hyperbole and a Half
- I Should've Been Famous By Now
- Illinois Loyalty
- Incurable
- Karin's Korner
- Living in the Kingdom
- Love, Couples, and Kink
- My Journey of Self Discovery
- Never Judge a Book by Its Cover
- Nightside Jonny
- Nutty Man
- Ordinary Guy, Strange Life
- Over Forty Married Sex
- PeaceBang
- Phyllis Renée
- Polyamorously Perverse
- Reality and Redemption
- Running in the Yard
- She Just Walks Around with It
- Spinning in Control
- Stories 2 Tell
- The Eyes Have It
- The Web of Language
- Unsolicited Advice
- Unspoken Drama
- Welcome to the Spectrum
- Will She Be Back?
- randomblink
Deep Dark Topics
- Sex (146)
- Marriage (117)
- Depression (102)
- Mental Health (97)
- Counseling (93)
- Stupidity (89)
- Ramblings (87)
- Love (86)
- Adultery (84)
- Music (74)
- Quizzes (71)
- Emotions (66)
- Family Fun (65)
- Parenting (64)
- Tears (63)
- Health (59)
- Friendship (57)
- Miscellany for no good reason (52)
- Scary Stuff (49)
- Breaking Up is Hard to Do (48)
- Liking Myself (42)
- Human Relations (39)
- Disappointment (38)
- Lists (37)
- History (36)
- Secrets (36)
- Politics (33)
- Whines (33)
- Taking Care of Me (29)
- emails (28)
- Death (26)
- Humor (25)
- It's a Weird World (24)
- Sleepless Nights (23)
- Polls (22)
- Fairy Tales (21)
- Lies (21)
- Moving On (21)
- Confusion (20)
- Frustration (20)
- What I Did on Summer Vacation (18)
- Bi Fun (17)
- Hate (16)
- Addiction (15)
- Taking Advantage of Others (15)
- Bitch Extraordinaire (14)
- Crazy is as Crazy Does (14)
- Insecurity (14)
- Wild Speculations (14)
- Good Times (13)
- Opinions I Ought to Keep to Myself (12)
- Mysteries (11)
- STD (11)
- Weight Weight Don't Tell Me (10)
- Haiku (6)
- Gratitude (5)
- The Moving Story That Wouldn't Die (4)
- OCD (2)
Deep Dark Archives
-
▼
2007
(382)
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July
(35)
- Interesting
- Rocks, Hard Places and Catch 22s
- Time is up
- Rant – Part VI
- Rant – Part V
- Thanks Horoscope, I Needed That
- Rant – Part IV
- Rant – Part III
- Rant – Part II
- And Now – A Rant, Pt. I
- Dreams, Perhaps not so Sweet
- So Many Thoughts
- Another Horoscope
- This is so me!
- Yeah, I'm Just the Female Will Ferrell
- Back to Perspective
- Anybody Got a Spare One of These Around?
- Whole Lotta Nothing
- Head Close to Exploding
- Sometimes Clarity Shines Through
- Ick
- New Thoughts
- All Quiet on the Midwestern Front
- Well, I found this fascinating
- What the Inkblots Say
- A Question of Faith
- Beginning of the End
- Just Because I Need a Laugh
- We Do Not Talk
- What's Stopping Me?
- No, I Won't Do It
- Couldn't Do It
- Independence Day
- Answers
- New Shoes
-
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July
(35)
49% Geek, 82% Nerd
Makes Sense to Me
You aren't paranoid if people really are out to get you
4 comments:
It's not the only way TS. You do have choices, tough ones, but choices nonetheless.
You get there in your mind. You just need to get there in reality. You can if you want to. Really want to.
Do you really want to?
TS, I've been reading your blog not for so long, so maybe for that reason, you don't consider that my comments here are very valuable as you still don't know me.
However, I would like to say that you are not weak, you really need to overcome this crisis, and you know you can do it, you have to be confident, and deep inside you will find the strenght.
You are not alone.
I can see many people here supporting you and sending you positive thoughts.
And I am sure it is the same in "real" life.
Please, BE POSITIVE, BE STRONG, BE FIRM AND TRUST YOURSELF.
All the best.
And keep us inform, because we do care.
x
I know the stuck feeling. And I know that question is tougher than it sounds.
You my friend are not stuck. It took me years to finally get the "balls" to leave. You will get them also, maybe not today but one day you will wake up and say, this is it! I am not doing this any longer, it is MY TURN to be happy! Then you will just tell W, I am not happy and I think that we need to seperate. Leave it at that for a while and then get yourself together and do what you need to do. You can do it if you want. I know you can.
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