Monday, December 17, 2007

Grab Life and Live

That's what I'm going to do. That's what I feel that I must do. I need to grab hold of life and live it to the best of my ability. You never know what day will be your last.

With that in mind, along with the knowledge that it has taken the Illini 24 years to make it back to the Rose Bowl since the last time, I decided that I should throw caution to the wind and use those tickets. It may be the only time I have the chance. Fortune smiled on me this past week, too, as my parents sent W and me their standard Christmas present, a "universal gift certificate" (aka a check). It is in an amount that will cover a good portion of the expense of the Rose Bowl trip for the three of us. Yes, I said three of us. W and N and I. I figure this will be our last trip together. I just didn't have the balls to tell W that I was going to go without him. He wants to go so badly too, and so I thought, what the hell. Let's all go, and try to get along the best we can. Besides, I found a relatively inexpensive package deal for us that includes flight, hotel and rental car, for about what I estimated the price would be for N and me, just the two of us. We won't make it to the parade, and we'll have to drive ourselves to the game instead of being bussed out there. Still, I think it is a good and realistic compromise.

Now, this doesn't necessarily mean that I won't tell W about splitting up prior to the trip. I very well may do so. Or not. Haven't made that decision yet. If I do tell him prior to the trip then I will tell him that I intend for this to be the last trip the three of us take as a family.

What I realized was that I was really choosing not to go to the Rose Bowl because I didn't want to go with W because I felt like that was trapping me into waiting until after we returned from there to initiate the split. However, there is always going to be something that I will feel must be postponed or that will get in the way of me being able to separate or whatever. I've got to stop putting life on hold for that, and just do what I want to do. I really, really want to go to the Rose Bowl, and I'm going to go. Once I tell W that we're separating he may choose not to go, and that will be fine. That is up to him to decide if he can handle taking the trip or not.

Life may get ugly for a while. Oh well. Nobody ever said it would all be a bed of roses.


Serenity said...

Why i do believe i said do what it takes to go... heh heh. I am so glad you are doing this, with or without W, though i hope he can manage not to cast a pall over things.

Bunny said...

Good for you! I hope it is a wonderful time for all of you!!

Spousehole and I have had "the talk" and still manage to do things together and have fun. It is possible, though there is an undercurrent of sadness to everything.

Trueself said...

Serenity - Umm, yeah, you might have mentioned. . . I do think I would have regretted it had I decided not to go.

Bunny - Yes, I hope that is true for W and me also. Although I rather think he'll spend a lot of time and effort trying to persuade me to change my mind and let him stay. And I would really prefer not to deal with that on the trip if I can help it.

Val said...

???I'm still waiting for you to have "The Talk" w/W...
Maybe it will be a pleasant surprise: a nice trip after all!?!
luv your pollyanna friend