Thursday, December 13, 2007

How Long?

I am a total shithead. I am absolutely the most awful person on the face of the earth. Oh God, when am I going to straighten myself out and make this right?

I just want to go crawl in a hole and hibernate for a good long time. Maybe when I come out everything will be okay. No, they’d just get worse.

How much worse does this have to get before I do what I have to do? Why do protecting the feelings of a man I don’t even love anymore count more than protecting my son? When will I say enough is enough? Dear God, please give me strength.

I know what the problem is. Long ago, I drew a line in the sand. I drew it at physical abuse. I wouldn’t allow anyone to physically abuse me or N. However, the verbal and psychological abuse I just never considered. I grew up being bullied, being told by my parents to believe that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” So I toughed it out, and now I’m still toughing it out. The worst part is that N is being made to tough it out too. He shouldn’t have to do that. Home should be a safe haven, a place where you don’t have to worry about name calling and bullying.

How much longer before the dam breaks? How much longer?

7 comments:

Nancy said...

Don't beat yourself up about not being able to make the break. I always said I'd never stay with someone who cheated on me. But when that moment came, I still stayed. I stayed through everything that I had once thought was a "boundary" for me. Then, almost without warning, I was ready. I was done. I wanted out, I made arrangements, I saw a lawyer and after the requisite months of stress involved in any divorce, it was over. 'Course it's never quite "over" when you have children together, but I didn't have to live with him anymore. My paycheck was MY paycheck. I didn't have to check with anyone before I spent money, before I made arrangements to do things, or anything else. I cannot even begin to describe the utter freedom I felt!

You will get there, too.

Serenity said...

Why exactly are you displacing the anger onto yourself instead of onto W where it belongs? Assuming he is the one doing the name calling and bullying, why on earth are YOU the shithead? Stop this AT ONCE. Place the blame where it belongs, and then place the onus for action on yourself,where it belongs.
How much longer? Only you know the answer to that one. But only your action will demonstrate that N is your first priority.
I have precisely NO patience for bullying. And enabling bullying is just about as bad.

Summer said...

The thing is by staying in this siutation, N will either grow up and be a bully himself or let others bully him. Kids learn from their parents. Think of yourself and son, you have a long life ahead of you. I know it's hard but once you're on your own you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Fiona said...

For f's sake TS, you know it's all wrong, your son is hurting, you know the answers and you STILL won't do something?

Hard words, I know but you talk about a line in the sand YOU drew? Just bloody move it.

Bullying takes two...one to bully and one to accept being bullied. There is a door to your home, use it.

If not for you then for N, he deserves protection from at least one of his parents and you are able to give him that.

Stinkypaw said...

I hate that quote, because it's sooo not true. Words may not break your bones, but they hurt your soul, they break "things" deeper than sticks...

To this day, whenever I think of how little my mother did to protect me... let's just say I don't arbour deep love for her at those moments.

...remember that next time you wonder how much longer... :-(

Bunny said...

For me the moment to tell my husband that we need to separate and what my plan were came unexpectedly. We were arguing and he said something along the lines of "You are welcome to leave at any time." Rather than reply harshly, I calmly said "And I plan to do so, once a few things are in place." I proceeded to tell him that I thought we should separate and how and when I thought that should happen. We had a calm, reasonable discussion. I hadn't planned it that way, but it worked out okay. So far.

Trueself said...

Nancy - Thank you for your kind words. It is amazing to me how much harder it is than I think it ought to be. Damned emotions.

Serenity - Why displace the anger? Because somehow I believe that it is my fault. I can't believe I just said that. Pathetic.

Summer - You make very valid points. Thank you.

Fiona - Harsh words maybe, but I do need to hear them (or read them as the case may be). You are exactly right.

SP - Yes, I fear N will feel the same towards me.

Bunny - Unfortunately, we've had those calm rational discussion over and over, and I always end up backing down. Where is my spine?