I am a total shithead. I am absolutely the most awful person on the face of the earth. Oh God, when am I going to straighten myself out and make this right?
I just want to go crawl in a hole and hibernate for a good long time. Maybe when I come out everything will be okay. No, they’d just get worse.
How much worse does this have to get before I do what I have to do? Why do protecting the feelings of a man I don’t even love anymore count more than protecting my son? When will I say enough is enough? Dear God, please give me strength.
I know what the problem is. Long ago, I drew a line in the sand. I drew it at physical abuse. I wouldn’t allow anyone to physically abuse me or N. However, the verbal and psychological abuse I just never considered. I grew up being bullied, being told by my parents to believe that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” So I toughed it out, and now I’m still toughing it out. The worst part is that N is being made to tough it out too. He shouldn’t have to do that. Home should be a safe haven, a place where you don’t have to worry about name calling and bullying.
How much longer before the dam breaks? How much longer?
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Anyone under 18 should leave immediately. This blog started as a place to chronicle my attempt at rekindling a long ago romance in spite of the fact that we were both married to others but evolved into a journal of my sexual revolution and now what is hopefully my maturation into a fully functional adult.
Just Who Do I Think I Am?
- Trueself
- A Little Place I Call Home, Midwest, United States
- I'm a middle-aged woman going through a midlife crisis. Sometimes I wonder if I'll live through it. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
Join The Masses Who Follow Me
Posts
Countdowns
First anniversary of Mom's death.
Words to Live By
- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box. -- Unknown
- Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, mess or not. -- BJ
- The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.
- You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
- Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -- Plato
- Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. -- Matthew 7:1-5
Thanks Stinkypaw
FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed
Who's Who in Trueself's World
- Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
- N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
- J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
- W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
- Freud - My therapist
- Dr K - My psychiatrist, the one who medicates me when the talk therapy with Freud just isn't enough
- Boss - My previous supervisor who used to scare the shit out of me and now I only find mildly annoying on most days.
- Snow White - A coworker, also psycho
- Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
- FU - My brother; the initials here may or may not represent what I would like to tell him most of the time
- FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
- Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
- Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
- RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
- TS2 - Former housemate who just so happens to have the same first name as I do. She drove W & N crazy, and sometimes me a little bit too, but the extra income from her rent sure helped.
- M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
- BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
- D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
- C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
- Q - W's girlfriend while he and I were separated
- H, K, & S - Guys I met online who shared with me various levels of adult type fun from time to time
- G & L - Guys I met online that went nowhere
- R & V - Women I met online that went nowhere
- T - J's second ex-wife
- If an actual name is used instead of just a letter it is generally not the real name but a name made up to protect anonymity.
Where Did You Say That Is?
- LNJ - Where I currently live (stands for Location of New Job)
- LOH - Where I lived before (stands for Location of Old Home)
- ST1 - Small Town 1, where I was born and where my grandparents lived
- TV1 - Tiny Village 1, where I spent infancy and a few years after TV2
- TV2 - Tiny Village 2, where I lived during toddlerhood
- TV3 - Tiny Village 3, where I spent most of my elementary school years
- ST2 - Small Town 2, where I lived during the high school/college years
An Eclectic Mix of Really Fine Blogs
- 2AMSomewhere
- Al Laddin Sayne
- All of Her Secrets
- An East Wind
- Attack of the Redneck Mommy
- Cassandra's Korner
- Code Name D.A.D.
- Crazy in Love
- Dad's Life
- Desperate Husband
- Down the Rabbit Hole
- Emily's Post
- Fade to Numb
- Finding My Way
- Foolish Mutterings
- For a Different Kind of Girl
- Freebird Flying
- Gotta Go My Own Way
- Gray?
- Her Bad Mother's Basement
- Hyperbole and a Half
- I Should've Been Famous By Now
- Illinois Loyalty
- Incurable
- Karin's Korner
- Living in the Kingdom
- Love, Couples, and Kink
- My Journey of Self Discovery
- Never Judge a Book by Its Cover
- Nightside Jonny
- Nutty Man
- Ordinary Guy, Strange Life
- Over Forty Married Sex
- PeaceBang
- Phyllis Renée
- Polyamorously Perverse
- Reality and Redemption
- Running in the Yard
- She Just Walks Around with It
- Spinning in Control
- Stories 2 Tell
- The Eyes Have It
- The Web of Language
- Unsolicited Advice
- Unspoken Drama
- Welcome to the Spectrum
- Will She Be Back?
- randomblink
Deep Dark Topics
- Sex (146)
- Marriage (117)
- Depression (102)
- Mental Health (97)
- Counseling (93)
- Stupidity (89)
- Ramblings (87)
- Love (86)
- Adultery (84)
- Music (74)
- Quizzes (71)
- Emotions (66)
- Family Fun (65)
- Parenting (64)
- Tears (63)
- Health (59)
- Friendship (57)
- Miscellany for no good reason (52)
- Scary Stuff (49)
- Breaking Up is Hard to Do (48)
- Liking Myself (42)
- Human Relations (39)
- Disappointment (38)
- Lists (37)
- History (36)
- Secrets (36)
- Politics (33)
- Whines (33)
- Taking Care of Me (29)
- emails (28)
- Death (26)
- Humor (25)
- It's a Weird World (24)
- Sleepless Nights (23)
- Polls (22)
- Fairy Tales (21)
- Lies (21)
- Moving On (21)
- Confusion (20)
- Frustration (20)
- What I Did on Summer Vacation (18)
- Bi Fun (17)
- Hate (16)
- Addiction (15)
- Taking Advantage of Others (15)
- Bitch Extraordinaire (14)
- Crazy is as Crazy Does (14)
- Insecurity (14)
- Wild Speculations (14)
- Good Times (13)
- Opinions I Ought to Keep to Myself (12)
- Mysteries (11)
- STD (11)
- Weight Weight Don't Tell Me (10)
- Haiku (6)
- Gratitude (5)
- The Moving Story That Wouldn't Die (4)
- OCD (2)
Deep Dark Archives
-
▼
2007
(382)
-
▼
December
(32)
- Goodbyes
- No Surprises Here
- Changing Course
- It Ain't Over Until Epiphany!
- Another Meme Just Because
- What I Got For Christmas
- Merry Christmas
- A Question of Relationships
- Yikes
- Blindsided
- Breaking News
- Hardly News
- Grrrrr
- 100 Q&A, Part II
- Grab Life and Live
- Daniel Grayling Fogelberg, 8/13/1951 - 12/16/2007
- 100 Q&A, Part I
- More Holiday Tunes
- Interlude - Rose Bowl Mania
- Action Plan
- How Long?
- Nothing New
- No Relief
- Can't Quite Give It Up
- Ice Queen
- Moi? A Tramp?
- A Christmas Meme
- Anybody Wanna Come Over for Christmas?
- Whoa!
- Of Men and Lice
- Bowls, Bowls, Bowls
- Magnificent Day
-
▼
December
(32)
49% Geek, 82% Nerd
Makes Sense to Me
You aren't paranoid if people really are out to get you
7 comments:
Don't beat yourself up about not being able to make the break. I always said I'd never stay with someone who cheated on me. But when that moment came, I still stayed. I stayed through everything that I had once thought was a "boundary" for me. Then, almost without warning, I was ready. I was done. I wanted out, I made arrangements, I saw a lawyer and after the requisite months of stress involved in any divorce, it was over. 'Course it's never quite "over" when you have children together, but I didn't have to live with him anymore. My paycheck was MY paycheck. I didn't have to check with anyone before I spent money, before I made arrangements to do things, or anything else. I cannot even begin to describe the utter freedom I felt!
You will get there, too.
Why exactly are you displacing the anger onto yourself instead of onto W where it belongs? Assuming he is the one doing the name calling and bullying, why on earth are YOU the shithead? Stop this AT ONCE. Place the blame where it belongs, and then place the onus for action on yourself,where it belongs.
How much longer? Only you know the answer to that one. But only your action will demonstrate that N is your first priority.
I have precisely NO patience for bullying. And enabling bullying is just about as bad.
The thing is by staying in this siutation, N will either grow up and be a bully himself or let others bully him. Kids learn from their parents. Think of yourself and son, you have a long life ahead of you. I know it's hard but once you're on your own you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
For f's sake TS, you know it's all wrong, your son is hurting, you know the answers and you STILL won't do something?
Hard words, I know but you talk about a line in the sand YOU drew? Just bloody move it.
Bullying takes two...one to bully and one to accept being bullied. There is a door to your home, use it.
If not for you then for N, he deserves protection from at least one of his parents and you are able to give him that.
I hate that quote, because it's sooo not true. Words may not break your bones, but they hurt your soul, they break "things" deeper than sticks...
To this day, whenever I think of how little my mother did to protect me... let's just say I don't arbour deep love for her at those moments.
...remember that next time you wonder how much longer... :-(
For me the moment to tell my husband that we need to separate and what my plan were came unexpectedly. We were arguing and he said something along the lines of "You are welcome to leave at any time." Rather than reply harshly, I calmly said "And I plan to do so, once a few things are in place." I proceeded to tell him that I thought we should separate and how and when I thought that should happen. We had a calm, reasonable discussion. I hadn't planned it that way, but it worked out okay. So far.
Nancy - Thank you for your kind words. It is amazing to me how much harder it is than I think it ought to be. Damned emotions.
Serenity - Why displace the anger? Because somehow I believe that it is my fault. I can't believe I just said that. Pathetic.
Summer - You make very valid points. Thank you.
Fiona - Harsh words maybe, but I do need to hear them (or read them as the case may be). You are exactly right.
SP - Yes, I fear N will feel the same towards me.
Bunny - Unfortunately, we've had those calm rational discussion over and over, and I always end up backing down. Where is my spine?
Post a Comment