Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Nothing New

Yesterday’s poem was just a poem. Yes, it reflects some of the feelings I have. Yes, it is dark and negative. However, it is a way for me to get those things out and express them which is so much better than keeping them bottled inside. That’s what I do much of the time: keep the negative feelings and emotions tucked away in a corner. I rarely let people in real life see them. I do my best to deal with them on my own for I know that they will elicit responses from people that I do not want.

For those that would suggest that I get help, I wonder just what kind of help I am to get. I have tried navigating the mental health system, and it is not there to help people like me. I am not severely depressed, or psychotic, or a threat to myself or others, so I am, from all indications, not worthy of its resources other than for a prescription for Prozac and a limited number of visits to a counselor.

Besides, I know what is causing my depression. I know what it will take to make things better. Until I leave W, I will continue to be depressed. Until I find the courage to tell him, once and for all, that it really is over, that this time he can’t just wait it out and get me to back down and allow him to stay, I will continue to have these really low places. I hit the lowest of lows when I face myself with the facts that (1) I want nothing more in life than to be free from W and this marriage, (2) I feel bad that by following through with the first thing I will hurt W terribly, and (3) I am still afraid I won’t cope well without W around to handle certain practical matters.

There is, honestly, nothing new under the sun.


freebird said...

...and so we keep going on that same old merry-go-round!

monkee said...

Just a thought. If you're feeling too stuck, why not just procede with making plans for a place to live with BJ "as if" W already knew. When it comes to "D Day" just leave him a note. I know it's harsh, but who knows, it could work.

Stinkypaw said...

If you know what you need to feel better, than why are you still there? You need a good kick in the arse, and wake up lady! ...Unless... you are enjoying this ride (deep down) and get some kind of twisted pleasure from being miserable?

You're entitle to your feelings, dark & negative, and your blog is a great place to express them, so carry on...

Trueself said...

FB - Yes, and what a merry-go-round it is.

Monkee - Not so sure it would work in my case given the child custody issues and financial issues this will cause.

SP - Yes, I will definitely carry on. . . probably more than anyone wants me to!