Yes, I realize I am avoiding certain inevitable events and steps towards freedom. There is never going to be a perfect time to do it. Never will we be able to walk away from each other without a certain amount of pain, discomfort and angst.
So what do I do? I stick my head in the sand. I avoid the issue. I just kind of ignore it all. I go about my day to day business as though everything is just dandy. But it isn't. It isn't just dandy by a long shot. It is barely tolerable, but it is tolerable so tolerate it I do. It won't stay that way for long though. BJ will want to see forward movement in terms of separation and divorce on my part. W on the other hand will want to see me stay in the marriage even if it makes me incredibly miserable to do so.
Pressure, I feel it building. It is building from within right now more than externally. It is that internal pressure with which I do not deal well, tending towards stuffing it more than letting it guide my actions.
Just because I don't blog endlessly about it doesn't mean it isn't on my mind every second of every day. It is; I just refuse to acknowledge it most of the time.
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And having no good segue from the above, let me just abruptly change subjects here. Just before awakening this morning I dreamed I had head lice, and not just your run of the mill head lice. No, mine were an extremely rare and exotic variety and were huge. Not only that, they clung to my scalp at the hairline, and I pulled many of them off with the help of a friend. She was then telling me all that I would have to do in terms of laundering all my clothing and bedding three times in a special detergent, and I would have to let her comb my hair with a special comb to get the eggs out of my hair. I was very grossed out by this whole thing and couldn't believe that somehow I had gotten lice. I have no idea what this dream might mean, but my head itches every time I think about it.
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5 comments:
I think it means that you feel a lack of control of your life and your circumstances. Then again, that's how my psychiatrist interpreted all my dreams about bizarre physical ailments/infestations so that's probably why I think that - lol. My usual is dreaming that my teeth are crumbling, just falling out of my mouth. Supposedly that's a common "lack of control" dream. IDK
I know its easy to say from here, but you may want to think about the fact that it could be a lot HARDER to leave later on. For instance, W's health is poor and what if he has a major health crisis, eg a stroke, which leaves him needing far more car?
My guess is that around now is actually the best time to leave - when he is able to take reasonable care of himself and establish a new life without you.
Hi. We've emailed. I just left a similar situation. There will never be a "good" time or a "right" time but the time will come. And you will do what you need to do to survive. It's your life that you are fighting for. You have a right to be happy. You are entitled to good things. It won't be easy and it won't be pretty. And it will hurt like hell. Worse than that. You will think your world is coming to an end and that you can't possibly feel any more pain or guilt or have any more tears to cry. But you will do it. You can do it. You can leave. And you will feel relieved, as if a weight has been lifted. The cloud of unhappiness and ugliness that you (and your child) have been living under will begin to disappear and every day will be better. And you will smile and life will come back to you and that life will be good.
Don't bring BJ into the equation at all. I suspect it is not so much of a priority to him right now whether you leave or not, he has other concerns... this HAS to be about you, and W, and N...and that's all.
Bunny - I tend to agree with your assessment of the meaning of my dream. It would certainly fit my current circumstances.
Emily - Very good point. It will be more difficult to leave the more dependent he becomes.
Bird - Thanks, and I owe you an email. I appreciate what you've shared here and in your emails.
Serenity - Well, you would suspect wrong. However, you are right that my focus needs to be on the current family situation right now and dealing with that.
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