W is home from the hospital. The doctors cannot deal with the xxxxxxx in his xxxxx xxxxxxxxx until they are able to get the xxxxx xxxxxxxxxx under control, which they mostly did last week in the hospital but not completely. He is on meds to try to continue the progress started as an inpatient. He has numerous follow up appointments with various medical professionals this week and next. He is grumpy. So am I. So is N. This is so not what any of us had planned for the summer.
N badly wants to go on a vacation this summer to an amusement park and to bring a friend along with him. I am really on board with this idea except I am afraid that W will want to go along with us {shudder}, and I have no idea how to discourage that without sounding like (and perhaps even being) an evil bitch. I have a multitude of reasons not to want W to go and not all (although some) have to do with me just flat out wanting some time without him around. There is, of course, the concern for his health, and even if we are only a few hours drive from home landing in the emergency room in unfamiliar surroundings doesn’t appeal to me, nor does dealing with the inevitable red tape of dealing with out of network claims. Not that it couldn’t happen to any one of us, but the odds go up dramatically if W tries to make the trip. Also, he won’t be up to trekking all over an amusement park, will have no interest in riding the rides or playing at the water park. Either our schedule will revolve around him and his healthcare needs, or he will have to stay back at the hotel room while we go out and enjoy ourselves. W will embarrass N (and to a lesser extent, me) with his general surliness to all those with whom he comes in contact. I’m just not sure there are any of N’s friends that need to bear witness to that.
Fortunately, N will be getting to go to summer camp for a total of almost three weeks at two different camps. That will be a welcome escape for him, a time to be with friends (and to reconnect with a girl he developed a crush on at camp last summer), and to get away from the stress that hovers as a fog throughout our house.
On another note, I decided and have told W that I am taking all things that he says at face value from now on. I am too tired to try to discern when he is joking, when he is hiding something, when he is deflecting, when he is hoping I will read between the lines, when he wants me to beg for more information. Nope. Whatever his answers to my questions (because, trust me on this, he volunteers no information so I get no conversation at all without asking) I am going to 100% accept at face value whether or not I believe them. Why? Because I am just too drained to fight it. I am just too tired to want to spend time weeding out lies from truth, fantasy from fact, fiction from non-fiction, and dragging information out of a reluctant witness. (Yes, he reminds me of a man on the witness stand who has been instructed by his attorney to say as little as possible.) I don’t care. From now on I believe nothing but act on his words as though they are all true. I refuse to read nuances, innuendos or looks because I am constantly berated by him when I do even when it turns out that I was right to do so. If he wants to hide things from me so be it. Hide to your heart’s content. If I ask if he would pick up something for supper and he says “yes” with that disgusted, frustrated voice I will simply hear the “yes” and thank him for doing so. If he tells me he doesn’t want to go somewhere with N and me with that hang dog look hoping for reassurances that we want him to go I will simply say in a cheery voice, “okay, see ya’ later.” When I ask how he’s feeling and he says nothing more than “fine” I will accept that he is fine without further inquiry.
I’m tired. I may just take a few days of vacation all by myself while N’s away at camp this summer. A little “me time” may be just what I need.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Those who don't learn from history are destined to repeat it
What do you do when you see your current employer going down the same path that a former employer took that landed the former employer in bankruptcy?
Well, if you’re me you start talking to management level people about it. You tell them exactly where you see the parallels. You tell them that with 20/20 hindsight here’s what the old employer’s management staff, as well as others outside of the company, saw as having been the downfall of the former employer. You tell them that you are concerned for the path of this company based on your prior experience.
And then what do you get? If you are like me you’ll be told that this situation is completely different and that going bankrupt or even out of business is not even a possibility. If you are luckier than me you’ll be heard and your ideas will be considered within the context of all that is happening. Maybe decisions won’t be different, but at least they will have been made with due consideration of all circumstances and possible outcomes. At least then if they chose short term gain at the expense of long term survival it would be an informed choice.
I’m sure they are right, and I am wrong. After all, they are the big powerful executives, and I am but an insignificant peon. However, at least for myself, I now have this on record so that if my fears turn out to be well-founded I will know that I was right and they were wrong. (And honestly people? That happens more often than most people would like to acknowledge which is why I just might document more of these kinds of things here. As an anonymous blog, it won’t make anyone more likely to listen to me IRL, but at least I will have it written somewhere even if it is just for myself.) If that happens, I will not be happy.
No, I would prefer that this employer stay in business. I think it provides an excellent service for its customers. I think that this geographic area would suffer without this company just as my former area of residence suffered when my former employer went out of business.
Sigh. . .
If only someone would listen. . .
Well, if you’re me you start talking to management level people about it. You tell them exactly where you see the parallels. You tell them that with 20/20 hindsight here’s what the old employer’s management staff, as well as others outside of the company, saw as having been the downfall of the former employer. You tell them that you are concerned for the path of this company based on your prior experience.
And then what do you get? If you are like me you’ll be told that this situation is completely different and that going bankrupt or even out of business is not even a possibility. If you are luckier than me you’ll be heard and your ideas will be considered within the context of all that is happening. Maybe decisions won’t be different, but at least they will have been made with due consideration of all circumstances and possible outcomes. At least then if they chose short term gain at the expense of long term survival it would be an informed choice.
I’m sure they are right, and I am wrong. After all, they are the big powerful executives, and I am but an insignificant peon. However, at least for myself, I now have this on record so that if my fears turn out to be well-founded I will know that I was right and they were wrong. (And honestly people? That happens more often than most people would like to acknowledge which is why I just might document more of these kinds of things here. As an anonymous blog, it won’t make anyone more likely to listen to me IRL, but at least I will have it written somewhere even if it is just for myself.) If that happens, I will not be happy.
No, I would prefer that this employer stay in business. I think it provides an excellent service for its customers. I think that this geographic area would suffer without this company just as my former area of residence suffered when my former employer went out of business.
Sigh. . .
If only someone would listen. . .
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
My Greater Than List
I’ve seen these a few places lately and thought I would share mine here. Maybe it will inspire you to make your own list.
Not being in the hospital > being in the hospital > being dead
Swimming > walking > bicycling > running
Amazing Race > Survivor > Big Brother > other reality shows > non-reality shows
Basketball > soccer > baseball > football > hockey
Purple > pink
Coke > Pepsi
Spring > Summer > Fall > Winter
Disney World > Holiday World > Six Flags
Pizza > Lasagna > Minestrone > Spaghetti > Salad
Late nights > any other time of the day
Craig Ferguson > David Letterman > Jay Leno
Love > Hate
Compassion > Selfishness
Reading > Watching TV
Learning > Teaching > Doing neither
Mustang > Camaro
Classical > Jazz > Country > Rock > Hip Hop
Cranberry > Orange > Apple > Grape > Grapefruit
Cashews > Pecans > Almonds > Peanuts
Big sisters > Little brothers
Ferry > Train > Bus > Driving
Money > No money
Bret Michael’s Trop A Rocka Snapple > Holly Robinson Peete’s Compassionberry Snapple
Not being in the hospital > being in the hospital > being dead
Swimming > walking > bicycling > running
Amazing Race > Survivor > Big Brother > other reality shows > non-reality shows
Basketball > soccer > baseball > football > hockey
Purple > pink
Coke > Pepsi
Spring > Summer > Fall > Winter
Disney World > Holiday World > Six Flags
Pizza > Lasagna > Minestrone > Spaghetti > Salad
Late nights > any other time of the day
Craig Ferguson > David Letterman > Jay Leno
Love > Hate
Compassion > Selfishness
Reading > Watching TV
Learning > Teaching > Doing neither
Mustang > Camaro
Classical > Jazz > Country > Rock > Hip Hop
Cranberry > Orange > Apple > Grape > Grapefruit
Cashews > Pecans > Almonds > Peanuts
Big sisters > Little brothers
Ferry > Train > Bus > Driving
Money > No money
Bret Michael’s Trop A Rocka Snapple > Holly Robinson Peete’s Compassionberry Snapple
Monday, June 07, 2010
And They All Fall Down
I wrote the following email to my pastor today. I share it with you as a blog update.
More later (I hope). . .
Pastor,So that’s the short version of what’s going on. Yes, I said that right. There’s more. I just don’t have time. I have to go pick up N so we can visit W.
Just wanted to let you know that W is now at Xxxxx Hospital and is supposed to be there until Wednesday or Thursday. He would love visitors, whether it’s you or any of the church folk.
Xxxxx Xxxx is being a blessing to us by spending her afternoons this week with N. Also, Xxxx Xxxxxx and I have been in touch and likely will be in touch again about needs our family may have during this time. I love how the people of our church truly are the “Community” in [our church name].
I don’t know if you’ve seen the note I dropped in the offering plate yesterday or not, but my dad is also at Xxxxxx Hospital in Xxxxxx. He has been in the ICU for over a week now. Due to xxxxxxxxxx xx xxx xxxx around his xxxxxxx air was xxxxxxx xx xxx xxxxx. The pain was apparently intense, and the risk of xxxxxxxxxx was high. He has had two surgeries in the last week to try to xxxxx xx xxx xxxx xxxxxxxxx and stop the xxxxxxx xx xxx to his xxxxx. Hopefully, the second one (which they did yesterday) was successful. If not, they will have to bring in a neurosurgeon for yet another surgery. Dad is nearly 83 and has been fighting xxxxx xxxxxx for the last few years. This is just one more thing on top of the heap.
All prayers welcomed and appreciated for
- Dad, that he will find comfort
- Mom (who is doing her best to keep it together), that she be uplifted with God’s strength
- W, that he can be made more comfortable and that he finds peace whatever the outcome of this week’s hospitalization
- N (who told me this weekend he’s afraid both his grandpa and dad will both die), that he feel the warmth and love and comfort of family and friends
- and me (I’m still in the denial phase of everything, just plugging along acting like it’s all okay when it isn’t), that I can be a source of comfort and strength to the others and a good role model for N, and that at some point I have the time to have a good hard cry.
Heh. I meant this to be a short little email and turned it into a novella. Sorry ‘bout that. I do tend to ramble.
TS
More later (I hope). . .
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Unconscious Mutterings: Week 383
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Fresh air :: NPR
- Bodyguard :: Tough
- Wedding :: Useless
- Remind :: Annoy
- Wicked :: Evil
- Crawling :: Bugs
- Gasoline :: Fuel
- Anyone :: Care?
- Dancing :: with the Stars
- Wall :: Beat my head against
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Just a little summary of how things are going lately.
GOOD
• Thanks to not divorcing W and not having to pay him his equity in the house the mortgage has been fully paid off this month.
• I finally got the Mirena IUD placed late last month, and it will hopefully help with the “lady issues” I’ve struggled with for so long. So far so good according to my Dr.
• Summer is almost here meaning camps for N, vacation for N and me at some point, and hopefully no more cold weather for a few months.
• I’ve gone back to manicuring my own nails on a fairly regular basis and even bought some new nail polish. N likes when I wear bright red (which I seldom do), but I prefer more muted tones.
BAD
• For N’s soccer tournament this weekend the weather looks to be clear on Friday and Sunday, but his games are on Saturday and Monday when the forecast is less kind.
• Last week we wrapped up in blankets to watch Little League. This week we are sweltering even in the shade even in the evening.
• W’s health is not so great, not that it has been for a long time, but his current issues are really hurting him. I’d go into more detail except for the fear he would search on a symptom or disease or whatnot and find this blog. Not that it matters that much, but there’s no reason to hurt his feelings more than I already have.
• N’s been on the DL (disabled list for those of you that were thinking down low) a lot lately first with strep throat and now with a sprained wrist. It’s bumming him out to miss so much baseball and soccer. At least the wrist is better enough that he’s back to playing soccer since it doesn’t count on wrist strength and flexibility much to play soccer.
UGLY
• My hair, which is in its natural state of long, scraggly, and graying. Hopefully, with the mortgage paid off I can return to keeping it beautiful. I’d still like it long, but less scraggly and less gray.
• Work has been ugly for a while now. I am kind of caught in the middle of a personality clash situation that I didn’t intend to be in the middle of. I’m sorry, but I can get along with each party separately. The fact that they can’t get along with one another shouldn’t be my problem. Must refuse to listen to both sides. Play nice girls, play nice.
• The lawn at home is more scraggly than my hair, but at least it’s the right color – green. Again with the mortgage paid off maybe I can hire someone to do something about it. I’m so terrified of the poison ivy and poison sumac (due to the bad reactions I have had in the past) that’s out there I just can’t bring myself to get out there and do it myself.
Okay so that’s my update. It ain’t much, but it’s all I got.
GOOD
• Thanks to not divorcing W and not having to pay him his equity in the house the mortgage has been fully paid off this month.
• I finally got the Mirena IUD placed late last month, and it will hopefully help with the “lady issues” I’ve struggled with for so long. So far so good according to my Dr.
• Summer is almost here meaning camps for N, vacation for N and me at some point, and hopefully no more cold weather for a few months.
• I’ve gone back to manicuring my own nails on a fairly regular basis and even bought some new nail polish. N likes when I wear bright red (which I seldom do), but I prefer more muted tones.
BAD
• For N’s soccer tournament this weekend the weather looks to be clear on Friday and Sunday, but his games are on Saturday and Monday when the forecast is less kind.
• Last week we wrapped up in blankets to watch Little League. This week we are sweltering even in the shade even in the evening.
• W’s health is not so great, not that it has been for a long time, but his current issues are really hurting him. I’d go into more detail except for the fear he would search on a symptom or disease or whatnot and find this blog. Not that it matters that much, but there’s no reason to hurt his feelings more than I already have.
• N’s been on the DL (disabled list for those of you that were thinking down low) a lot lately first with strep throat and now with a sprained wrist. It’s bumming him out to miss so much baseball and soccer. At least the wrist is better enough that he’s back to playing soccer since it doesn’t count on wrist strength and flexibility much to play soccer.
UGLY
• My hair, which is in its natural state of long, scraggly, and graying. Hopefully, with the mortgage paid off I can return to keeping it beautiful. I’d still like it long, but less scraggly and less gray.
• Work has been ugly for a while now. I am kind of caught in the middle of a personality clash situation that I didn’t intend to be in the middle of. I’m sorry, but I can get along with each party separately. The fact that they can’t get along with one another shouldn’t be my problem. Must refuse to listen to both sides. Play nice girls, play nice.
• The lawn at home is more scraggly than my hair, but at least it’s the right color – green. Again with the mortgage paid off maybe I can hire someone to do something about it. I’m so terrified of the poison ivy and poison sumac (due to the bad reactions I have had in the past) that’s out there I just can’t bring myself to get out there and do it myself.
Okay so that’s my update. It ain’t much, but it’s all I got.
Monday, May 03, 2010
Unconscious Mutterings: Week 379
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Creepy :: Crawly
- Links :: Loops
- Sane :: Insane
- Bun :: Burger
- Visual :: Aural
- Remote :: Control
- Freaking :: Stupid
- Curly :: Hair
- Saga :: Drama
- Different :: Same
Monday, April 26, 2010
Unconscious Mutterings: Week 378
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Hell :: fire and damnation
- Scott :: Garrelts (former SF Giants pitcher)
- Dominion :: Power
- Stunt :: double
- Cougar :: Me! Bwahahahahaha
- Columbia :: University
- Gasp :: Sputter, choke
- Cancerous :: lesion
- Bitty :: Itty
- Quit :: that right now!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thursday Therapy: I’m Not 50. . . Yet
Okay, so I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while. Looking at my last post it’s been almost a month, and that wasn’t much of a post either. So is anything wrong? Have I succumbed to some physical/emotional/mental ailment? Have I fallen from the face of the Earth? Have I been incarcerated? Was I marooned on a desert island? Where the hell have I been? Or did nobody even miss me?
The truth is the explanation for my absence is twofold. First, and this is good news, my job is now occupying virtually all of my “at work” time. Instead of being bored by little work and little challenge I am now challenged on a daily basis with engaging assignments that leave little time for random internet tomfoolery. Second, and this is also good news, I am doing well in most aspects of my life right now. A calm and steady life does not make good blog fodder. However, I do need to still journal here occasionally. I find I learn a lot by rereading old posts of mine and sometimes get a well needed reminder of some lesson learned along the way but perhaps forgotten.
Being that it’s Thursday and that I just had my appointment with Freud on Tuesday it seems fitting to settle back into the routine with a Thursday Therapy post.
Freud pretty much summed up our last session this way: “When a client is bombarded with stress from multiple places I worry some when I hear from them that they are coping by drinking a bit more or indulging in some other self-destructive behavior, but when you say you’re coping by becoming more involved in church that seems like a pretty healthy option.” And yes, without even thinking about it as a healthy choice that’s what I’ve been doing lately – becoming more plugged into church and church activities, trying to develop a foundation, or a net if you will, to have something beneath me, supporting me, making it possible for me to feel that I have a support system upon which I can call when things are tough. (Wow! That was one long and convoluted sentence. No time nor energy to go back though and fix sentence structure. Live with it.) I suppose that’s not the worst coping strategy a person could choose. ;-)
I love my sessions with Freud. He has a way of reframing things so that I see things through different glasses. He points out to me all the good things I’m doing. He is the best boost to my self esteem that I believe I have ever had. I see him as an impartial party who calls ‘em as he sees ‘em. He doesn’t hesitate to point out things I’m doing that aren’t good for me so I do feel that he is honest in his assessments, doling out the good and the bad as needed.
He’s working on me to stop being so hard on myself all the time. I am way too good at beating myself up, quite the expert at the negative self talk. In some ways, it is a self defense mechanism. If I criticize myself harshly, the theory goes, then there’s hardly room for others to do so. However, I’ve been so good at it that I believed my own hype – I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m not a good _______ (insert noun of choice here), I’m an idiot, I’ll never be good enough. Beating yourself up can really beat you down.
But things are looking up. Nothing in my surroundings has changed so awfully much – all the same people doing all the same things – but my attitude is a thousand times better. I really believe that I, with help from therapy and pharmaceuticals, am kicking the depression to the curb. I am taking things on with a more positive attitude and looking at things with an eye for how the worst case scenario isn’t really all that bad while believing the worst case scenario isn’t all that likely either.
So my boss is still a jerk, but at least I have interesting work and have a job that I’m not likely to lose unless the company experiences mass layoffs in which case I would be eligible for unemployment. Not so bad, right? So W is still W, still struggling off and on with health issues that look like they could be fatal but never are, but at least I have changed my attitude to towards him and have found ways to make myself content, for the most part, to care for him for the remainder of his life. So W is still W and saying things that are wholly inappropriate to N and to others, but at least I have found the peace to allow those things to reflect badly on him rather than us. So M is probably moving a couple of hours away within a few months, but at least I’ve learned from my relationship with him that it is possible not to have to have a romantic attraction to someone in order to have a quite fulfilling physical relationship.
So I share my birthday with Earth Day, and I’ve been around longer than Earth Day which I think means I’m older than dirt. However, by looking on the bright side I am adopting as my slogan for the upcoming year:
“I’m still not 50. . . yet.”
The truth is the explanation for my absence is twofold. First, and this is good news, my job is now occupying virtually all of my “at work” time. Instead of being bored by little work and little challenge I am now challenged on a daily basis with engaging assignments that leave little time for random internet tomfoolery. Second, and this is also good news, I am doing well in most aspects of my life right now. A calm and steady life does not make good blog fodder. However, I do need to still journal here occasionally. I find I learn a lot by rereading old posts of mine and sometimes get a well needed reminder of some lesson learned along the way but perhaps forgotten.
Being that it’s Thursday and that I just had my appointment with Freud on Tuesday it seems fitting to settle back into the routine with a Thursday Therapy post.
Freud pretty much summed up our last session this way: “When a client is bombarded with stress from multiple places I worry some when I hear from them that they are coping by drinking a bit more or indulging in some other self-destructive behavior, but when you say you’re coping by becoming more involved in church that seems like a pretty healthy option.” And yes, without even thinking about it as a healthy choice that’s what I’ve been doing lately – becoming more plugged into church and church activities, trying to develop a foundation, or a net if you will, to have something beneath me, supporting me, making it possible for me to feel that I have a support system upon which I can call when things are tough. (Wow! That was one long and convoluted sentence. No time nor energy to go back though and fix sentence structure. Live with it.) I suppose that’s not the worst coping strategy a person could choose. ;-)
I love my sessions with Freud. He has a way of reframing things so that I see things through different glasses. He points out to me all the good things I’m doing. He is the best boost to my self esteem that I believe I have ever had. I see him as an impartial party who calls ‘em as he sees ‘em. He doesn’t hesitate to point out things I’m doing that aren’t good for me so I do feel that he is honest in his assessments, doling out the good and the bad as needed.
He’s working on me to stop being so hard on myself all the time. I am way too good at beating myself up, quite the expert at the negative self talk. In some ways, it is a self defense mechanism. If I criticize myself harshly, the theory goes, then there’s hardly room for others to do so. However, I’ve been so good at it that I believed my own hype – I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m not a good _______ (insert noun of choice here), I’m an idiot, I’ll never be good enough. Beating yourself up can really beat you down.
But things are looking up. Nothing in my surroundings has changed so awfully much – all the same people doing all the same things – but my attitude is a thousand times better. I really believe that I, with help from therapy and pharmaceuticals, am kicking the depression to the curb. I am taking things on with a more positive attitude and looking at things with an eye for how the worst case scenario isn’t really all that bad while believing the worst case scenario isn’t all that likely either.
So my boss is still a jerk, but at least I have interesting work and have a job that I’m not likely to lose unless the company experiences mass layoffs in which case I would be eligible for unemployment. Not so bad, right? So W is still W, still struggling off and on with health issues that look like they could be fatal but never are, but at least I have changed my attitude to towards him and have found ways to make myself content, for the most part, to care for him for the remainder of his life. So W is still W and saying things that are wholly inappropriate to N and to others, but at least I have found the peace to allow those things to reflect badly on him rather than us. So M is probably moving a couple of hours away within a few months, but at least I’ve learned from my relationship with him that it is possible not to have to have a romantic attraction to someone in order to have a quite fulfilling physical relationship.
So I share my birthday with Earth Day, and I’ve been around longer than Earth Day which I think means I’m older than dirt. However, by looking on the bright side I am adopting as my slogan for the upcoming year:
“I’m still not 50. . . yet.”
Monday, March 29, 2010
Unconscious Mutterings, Week 374
I say ... and you think ... ?
Sorry readers, if I have any left, I'll be back soon. Between March Madness and this week being Holy Week I just haven't had the time to blog for real lately. Maybe a bit of a Thursday Therapy post this week if I can find the time, but I should definitely be back to blogging next week. I hope. . .
- Bow out :: Gracefully
- Relationships :: are hard work
- Facebook :: not my thing
- Items :: checkout
- Ours :: theirs
- Sting :: bee
- Hangover :: headache
- Contacts :: eyes
- Lonely :: me
- Seven days :: week
Sorry readers, if I have any left, I'll be back soon. Between March Madness and this week being Holy Week I just haven't had the time to blog for real lately. Maybe a bit of a Thursday Therapy post this week if I can find the time, but I should definitely be back to blogging next week. I hope. . .
Monday, March 22, 2010
Unconscious Mutterings, Week 373
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Burrito :: Grande
- Spike :: Ryan and Kendall’s boy
- Tougher :: Weaker
- Mock :: Make fun of
- Slurp :: Sloppy
- Knock :: Down
- Conference :: Champions
- Madness :: March
- Minds :: are a terrible thing to waste
- Connection :: Outlet
Friday, March 19, 2010
Just One of Those Moments
The other evening during dinner, N was pulling on the waistband of his pants. W and I both noticed.
W: What are you doing?
N: Making room so I can eat more.
TS: Oh, I thought you were looking for something in there.
N: You thought I wanted to show off my package? My package is so big it takes two UPS trucks to carry it.
Dinner resumed some time later when we all managed to stop laughing.
W: What are you doing?
N: Making room so I can eat more.
TS: Oh, I thought you were looking for something in there.
N: You thought I wanted to show off my package? My package is so big it takes two UPS trucks to carry it.
Dinner resumed some time later when we all managed to stop laughing.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Thursday Therapy: MARCH MADNESS edition
It is March. It is that most wonderful time of the year during which I become glued to the TV each and every weekend until the championship game on the first Monday of April.
It may be a form of madness. It may be denial that my beloved Illini totally suck this year. It may be eternal hope that in spite of their suckitude I hope for an NIT championship for my boys. It may be compassion that causes me to cheer for the other Big Ten teams as they battle in the Big Dance. It may just be that I have completely and totally lost my little mind because so far I have picked all seven winners in the games that have already finished today, leaving me in the running for a tidy little pot o' gold (or some crisp green bills) at the end of the rainbow.
You wanted a real Thursday Therapy post? Probably oughta go back and read yesterday's entry. It was more nearly the type post I normally due for TT.
Anyway, I'll be back to real life after the tournaments are over. Until then, get off the internet and go turn on CBS! That's where all the good stuff is happening.
Go!
Now!
It may be a form of madness. It may be denial that my beloved Illini totally suck this year. It may be eternal hope that in spite of their suckitude I hope for an NIT championship for my boys. It may be compassion that causes me to cheer for the other Big Ten teams as they battle in the Big Dance. It may just be that I have completely and totally lost my little mind because so far I have picked all seven winners in the games that have already finished today, leaving me in the running for a tidy little pot o' gold (or some crisp green bills) at the end of the rainbow.
You wanted a real Thursday Therapy post? Probably oughta go back and read yesterday's entry. It was more nearly the type post I normally due for TT.
Anyway, I'll be back to real life after the tournaments are over. Until then, get off the internet and go turn on CBS! That's where all the good stuff is happening.
Go!
Now!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
So. . . . . . .
What’s new in Trueself’s life? Not much. . . And lots. . .
If you were to look at me you wouldn’t see any change at all. Oh sure, my hair is longer than it’s been in a long, long time, but other than that same old Trueself.
What is different maybe is all inside of me . . . a new attitude for one thing . . . and that’s a big thing right there . . . and maybe the intention to live a bit more genuinely . . . to be the real me. That last part is just something I’m working on and am certainly not achieving with any consistency just yet.
I have this long history of going through a certain cycle over and over and over again. It goes something like this:
Step #1: TS gets really interested in a certain activity/cause/project.
Step #2: TS learns all she can about this interest and builds much enthusiasm.
Step #3: TS gets ideas about becoming more involved and in helping in some form of leadership position in an organization dealing with this interest.
Step #4: TS shares her plans with people who are important to her.
Step #5: TS gets shot down by people important to her as they remind her that this will require a lot of commitment and time and energy, that it won’t be easy, and they will discourage her participation.
Step #6: TS reminds herself of what a failure she is and decides she better not try because she will surely fail anyway.
Step #7: TS mopes while those around her encourage her to “be happy” and remind her how good she has it and how much easier her life is without the hassles of the thing she wanted to do.
Step #8: TS finally shakes herself out of her funk, starts to feel better and starts taking interest in life again.
Step #9: Return to Step #1 and cycle through again.
I have lived far too long being afraid to do the things I want to do just because I don’t get the support of those close to me, most notably my parents as I was growing up (well, and even in my adult years when I’ve chosen to share with them; is it any wonder that I don’t very often?) My parents always took it upon themselves to bring me back down to earth whenever I tried to have “grandiose plans.” They discouraged me from being too independent and tried to rein me in so that I could be protected from disappointment in case I failed. As long as you don’t try you can’t fail. You can live with the belief that if only you had made that effort you would have succeeded.
My parents never believed in the method of learning that requires sacrifice, hard work, failure, or bravery. They believed in providing their children with the easy life, the life they had not had the fortune to have when they were growing up. I never learned from them the lesson that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” Instead they taught that you shouldn’t have to fight for things, and the more you accepted the way things are the less you would feel the need to fight for anything. They never taught me that “one person can make a difference.” Instead they taught me that one person is pretty helpless, and while it’s “cute” to get all worked up about a cause it isn’t worth the effort to really do anything about it because it isn’t going to change anyway.
Anyway . . . all this whining simply brings me to now, the point at which I have reached the point where I feel ready to stop repeating the never ending cycle. The steps from #6 on must change. Oh I know you’re going to say “Why not just eliminate step #4 so that you don’t give anyone the chance to bring you down?” Good question, and I have an answer. Even if I don’t tell them, and sometimes I don’t, they eventually find out and continue on with step #5. Therefore, I am working to change the remainder of steps to something like:
Step #6: TS reminds herselfof what a failure she is and decides she better not try because she will surely fail anyway.that she is quite capable and should give it a try because even if she fails she will learn something from the experience that will help her as she goes on through life.
Step #7: TSmopes while those around her encourage her to “be happy” and remind her how good she has it and how much easier her life is without the hassles of the thing she wanted to do. thanks those who provide input, but reminds herself that she is quite capable and can be happier if she tries than if she gives up.
Step #8: TSfinally shakes herself out of her funk, starts to feel better and starts taking interest in life again.gives herself the chance to try, assesses throughout how she’s doing, learns from her triumphs and failures, and keeps growing.
Step #9: Return to Step #1 and cycle through again.
That’s where I am now. I am trying to change the cycle. I am heading up the adult education team at church and representing the church on a local LGBTQA community resource group. I am becoming involved in activities and causes which are of particular interest to me. I have completed step #3, and am ready to deal with whatever fallout there may be from step #4, whether step #5 is criticism from readers here, my parents, W or anyone else with whom I may share. And when I feel myself falling into the old cycle I’ll come back here and reread this post and remind myself that I am capable and that even if I fail I can learn from it and become better from it.
If you were to look at me you wouldn’t see any change at all. Oh sure, my hair is longer than it’s been in a long, long time, but other than that same old Trueself.
What is different maybe is all inside of me . . . a new attitude for one thing . . . and that’s a big thing right there . . . and maybe the intention to live a bit more genuinely . . . to be the real me. That last part is just something I’m working on and am certainly not achieving with any consistency just yet.
I have this long history of going through a certain cycle over and over and over again. It goes something like this:
Step #1: TS gets really interested in a certain activity/cause/project.
Step #2: TS learns all she can about this interest and builds much enthusiasm.
Step #3: TS gets ideas about becoming more involved and in helping in some form of leadership position in an organization dealing with this interest.
Step #4: TS shares her plans with people who are important to her.
Step #5: TS gets shot down by people important to her as they remind her that this will require a lot of commitment and time and energy, that it won’t be easy, and they will discourage her participation.
Step #6: TS reminds herself of what a failure she is and decides she better not try because she will surely fail anyway.
Step #7: TS mopes while those around her encourage her to “be happy” and remind her how good she has it and how much easier her life is without the hassles of the thing she wanted to do.
Step #8: TS finally shakes herself out of her funk, starts to feel better and starts taking interest in life again.
Step #9: Return to Step #1 and cycle through again.
I have lived far too long being afraid to do the things I want to do just because I don’t get the support of those close to me, most notably my parents as I was growing up (well, and even in my adult years when I’ve chosen to share with them; is it any wonder that I don’t very often?) My parents always took it upon themselves to bring me back down to earth whenever I tried to have “grandiose plans.” They discouraged me from being too independent and tried to rein me in so that I could be protected from disappointment in case I failed. As long as you don’t try you can’t fail. You can live with the belief that if only you had made that effort you would have succeeded.
My parents never believed in the method of learning that requires sacrifice, hard work, failure, or bravery. They believed in providing their children with the easy life, the life they had not had the fortune to have when they were growing up. I never learned from them the lesson that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” Instead they taught that you shouldn’t have to fight for things, and the more you accepted the way things are the less you would feel the need to fight for anything. They never taught me that “one person can make a difference.” Instead they taught me that one person is pretty helpless, and while it’s “cute” to get all worked up about a cause it isn’t worth the effort to really do anything about it because it isn’t going to change anyway.
Anyway . . . all this whining simply brings me to now, the point at which I have reached the point where I feel ready to stop repeating the never ending cycle. The steps from #6 on must change. Oh I know you’re going to say “Why not just eliminate step #4 so that you don’t give anyone the chance to bring you down?” Good question, and I have an answer. Even if I don’t tell them, and sometimes I don’t, they eventually find out and continue on with step #5. Therefore, I am working to change the remainder of steps to something like:
Step #6: TS reminds herself
Step #7: TS
Step #8: TS
That’s where I am now. I am trying to change the cycle. I am heading up the adult education team at church and representing the church on a local LGBTQA community resource group. I am becoming involved in activities and causes which are of particular interest to me. I have completed step #3, and am ready to deal with whatever fallout there may be from step #4, whether step #5 is criticism from readers here, my parents, W or anyone else with whom I may share. And when I feel myself falling into the old cycle I’ll come back here and reread this post and remind myself that I am capable and that even if I fail I can learn from it and become better from it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Unconscious Mutterings: Week 372
I used to do this meme on a regular basis on my private blog. It's quick and generally pretty easy. I think for now I'm going to probably replace Sunday Stealing with Unconscious Mutterings. This week, you lucky reader you, get both.
I say ... and you think ... ?
I say ... and you think ... ?
- Children :: Joy
- Saddlebags :: Motorcycle
- Restraint :: Wild Abandon
- Awake :: Asleep
- Blood :: Sweat and Tears
- Shutter :: Window
- Posted :: No Trespassing
- Corn cob :: Pipe
- Flagrant :: Foul
- Fart :: Disgusting
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday Stealing: Judd's Merged Meme
I didn't do last week's edition of Sunday Stealing. I wasn't sure if I would do this week's, but when I went and looked it over I decided to give it a go. Although some questions are ones I've previously answered there were enough new ones with some meat to chew on to make it worth my while. Besides it buys me a little time while I write a real post (and there is one just itching to get written).
1. What were you doing 10 years ago? Let’s see, 10 years ago I was working in my dream job, making more money than I make now, in a company half a country away from where I am now, and was mom to a one year old. I hadn’t totally given up on W yet back then. Life was pretty darned good.
2. Five snacks that you enjoy in a perfect, non weight-gaining world:
3. Five things you would do if you were a billionaire:
4. Three of your habits:
5. Five jobs that you've had:
6. Five places that you've lived:
7. Five things that you did yesterday:
8. Five people you would want to get to know more about:
(Let me preface by saying these are people I would want to get to know personally, not just reading up on them)
9. Abortion: for or against it? I think it is up to every individual to choose for themselves. I am not against people choosing abortion. If they think it is the right thing for them to do in their circumstances then I don’t think that I, or anyone else, should impose my will upon them.
10. Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
Seriously? Is this even seriously in question anymore? I scarcely think a female president could fuck up the world any worse than the male ones have.
11. Do you believe in the death penalty? Absolutely not. As long as there is the slightest chance that an innocent person could be executed the death penalty should never be an option.
12. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? It really makes no difference to me personally one way or another. However, if we allow alcohol to be legal then it seems silly to criminalize marijuana. Drunks seem a hell of a lot more dangerous to themselves and others than potheads do.
13. Are you for or against premarital sex? Again I think this is a personal choice. I think it should not be entered into lightly, but I also don’t think that a couple is going to hell just because they didn’t wait for the wedding night to consummate their relationship. Also, I would much rather a couple have premarital sex rather than marry too young just because they think they have to marry to have sex. Notice I’m answering this question very narrowly, limiting myself to premarital sex, using a pretty narrow definition of premarital. My answer may have been somewhat different if the question had been worded differently.
14. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely! Gays should have just as much right to screw up their lives as the rest of us do. In spite of the flippancy of that last sentence I do believe strongly in allowing same gender couples to have the same rights and privileges as different gender couples. As a matter of fact, I have recently become a member of the leadership committee of a local organization dedicated to providing community resources to the LGBTQA population in our area.
15. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA? Well, it is wrong in the sense that anything illegal is wrong. However, having personally known a few and even helping a couple once they were here, I cannot see that morally it was in any way wrong for them to do what they did.
16. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.
17. Should the war in Iraq be called off? Well, you can’t just call it off once you are there. It is a very tricky thing to get out gracefully once you’ve gone in with an iron fist. I certainly think, though, that we should be working toward getting out with as much alacrity as possible.
18. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? I agree that it is currently illegal. I’m kind of on the fence about whether it ought to be or not. I see both sides of the argument and haven’t really come down on either just yet; still wrangling with this one.
19. Do you believe in spanking your children? In general, no. However, I have spanked N. The only thing I ever spanked him for was climbing on the glass coffee table. After unsuccessfully trying several other ways to keep him from climbing on it, I told him that from then on whenever he climbed onto the table he would get a spanking. He climbed on it twice more, both times with a smack on his diapered butt as a consequence, and he left it alone ever after.
20. Do you worry that others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Nothing I’ve shared here is any worse than things I’ve shared previously on my blog. Judge as you will. You always do.
1. What were you doing 10 years ago? Let’s see, 10 years ago I was working in my dream job, making more money than I make now, in a company half a country away from where I am now, and was mom to a one year old. I hadn’t totally given up on W yet back then. Life was pretty darned good.
2. Five snacks that you enjoy in a perfect, non weight-gaining world:
- Fritos with nacho cheese dip
- Chocolate peanut butter ice cream (preferably from Baskin Robbins)
- Giant soft jalapeño cheese pretzels
- Deep fried mushrooms and zucchini with ranch dip
- Mozzarella sticks with marinara dip
3. Five things you would do if you were a billionaire:
- Set up an educational trust fund for N
- Divorce W and give him a generous settlement
- Remodel my house
- Donate to my church and several favorite charities
- Buy exactly the car I want after choosing one based on thoroughly researching my options
4. Three of your habits:
- Drinking mass quantities of coffee
- Obsessively checking Twitter
- Playing with my hair, especially when it’s long like it is now
5. Five jobs that you've had:
- Babysitter
- Test tube washer
- Concession stand worker
- Auditor
- Accountant
6. Five places that you've lived:
- My parents’ house
- College dorm
- My Apartment
- My Mobile Home
- My House
7. Five things that you did yesterday:
- Went to church
- Got a mocha at a local coffee shop
- Read the newspaper
- Took a nap
- Watched the NCAA tournament selection show (which was, of course, a total waste of time since the Illini didn’t make it, and no don’t even try to console me with the fact that the Illini are a #1 seed in the NIT. Nobody cares about the NIT. The NIT is for also rans, losers, craptastic teams without what it takes to get to the big dance. Either the Illini make the NCAA next year or even I will be calling for Coach Weber’s head.)
8. Five people you would want to get to know more about:
(Let me preface by saying these are people I would want to get to know personally, not just reading up on them)
- Barrack Obama
- Paula Poundstone
- Wanda Sykes
- Bill Maher
- Johnny Depp
9. Abortion: for or against it? I think it is up to every individual to choose for themselves. I am not against people choosing abortion. If they think it is the right thing for them to do in their circumstances then I don’t think that I, or anyone else, should impose my will upon them.
10. Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
Seriously? Is this even seriously in question anymore? I scarcely think a female president could fuck up the world any worse than the male ones have.
11. Do you believe in the death penalty? Absolutely not. As long as there is the slightest chance that an innocent person could be executed the death penalty should never be an option.
12. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? It really makes no difference to me personally one way or another. However, if we allow alcohol to be legal then it seems silly to criminalize marijuana. Drunks seem a hell of a lot more dangerous to themselves and others than potheads do.
13. Are you for or against premarital sex? Again I think this is a personal choice. I think it should not be entered into lightly, but I also don’t think that a couple is going to hell just because they didn’t wait for the wedding night to consummate their relationship. Also, I would much rather a couple have premarital sex rather than marry too young just because they think they have to marry to have sex. Notice I’m answering this question very narrowly, limiting myself to premarital sex, using a pretty narrow definition of premarital. My answer may have been somewhat different if the question had been worded differently.
14. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely! Gays should have just as much right to screw up their lives as the rest of us do. In spite of the flippancy of that last sentence I do believe strongly in allowing same gender couples to have the same rights and privileges as different gender couples. As a matter of fact, I have recently become a member of the leadership committee of a local organization dedicated to providing community resources to the LGBTQA population in our area.
15. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA? Well, it is wrong in the sense that anything illegal is wrong. However, having personally known a few and even helping a couple once they were here, I cannot see that morally it was in any way wrong for them to do what they did.
16. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.
17. Should the war in Iraq be called off? Well, you can’t just call it off once you are there. It is a very tricky thing to get out gracefully once you’ve gone in with an iron fist. I certainly think, though, that we should be working toward getting out with as much alacrity as possible.
18. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? I agree that it is currently illegal. I’m kind of on the fence about whether it ought to be or not. I see both sides of the argument and haven’t really come down on either just yet; still wrangling with this one.
19. Do you believe in spanking your children? In general, no. However, I have spanked N. The only thing I ever spanked him for was climbing on the glass coffee table. After unsuccessfully trying several other ways to keep him from climbing on it, I told him that from then on whenever he climbed onto the table he would get a spanking. He climbed on it twice more, both times with a smack on his diapered butt as a consequence, and he left it alone ever after.
20. Do you worry that others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Nothing I’ve shared here is any worse than things I’ve shared previously on my blog. Judge as you will. You always do.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Breaking News
This just in:
Illinois beat Wisconsin today in the Big Ten Tournament.
This gives Illinois an actual shot at making the NCAA Tournament.
Also, it means Illinois gets the pleasure of playing against Ohio St. in the next round of the Big Ten Tournament.
March Madness is just getting under way my friends. It'll all be over much too soon so enjoy it while you can.
Illinois beat Wisconsin today in the Big Ten Tournament.
This gives Illinois an actual shot at making the NCAA Tournament.
Also, it means Illinois gets the pleasure of playing against Ohio St. in the next round of the Big Ten Tournament.
March Madness is just getting under way my friends. It'll all be over much too soon so enjoy it while you can.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Thursday Therapy: Idling in Neutral
This past week is one of those times when I feel like I’ve just had the gear in neutral and have idled. I don’t think this is a bad thing. It is sometimes necessary during any process to just take some time and space for nothing. Even God took the seventh day off. Not only that, He then included it in one of His commandments to us. Time off – a necessary part of life and all the processes therein.
Consequently, I don’t feel like I have a lot to talk about here this week. One never knows though until getting into the flow of the writing though where it will go or what and how much ground may be covered. Most all of my posting is just stream of consciousness stuff. Let’s see where the stream leads today.
Last Friday, I met with a journalist who is working on a story about women like me. Specifically, she is writing about moms who cheat. She had put out the call on Twitter, and I responded. We met for only an hour, not nearly enough time to cover everything but enough time I think to cover the basics of how it started and a lot about J and how that relationship continues on a sporadic basis today. Also, she’s read some of my blog so she wasn’t entirely unaware of me and my less than stellar side. It felt brave in some ways to talk to someone IRL who hasn’t been part of my little circle of imaginary internet friends about that side of me. It was a little scary, but Mrs. Chicken couldn’t have been nicer. Having followed her blog for a while I knew she would be. I’m looking forward to reading her article when she completes it and will most likely share a link to it here so you can read it too.
Talking on Friday felt like the start of the idling process, it kicked off a period of just kind of reflecting and reviewing for myself how I’ve come to be here, at this point, now. This was followed by a weekend filled with N and me activities which left little time for me to be me or ruminate on being me or whatever.
Tuesday should have seen me in session with Freud, but I canceled. I haven’t yet decided what I think of my reason for canceling. I waver between feeling justified and feeling that I was weaseling out of an uncomfortable situation. The fact of the matter is that instead of meeting with Freud I met with my pastor, not in any therapeutic sort of way, but to discuss adult education matters within the church. We had been trying to schedule a time to have lunch to have this discussion for about three weeks. Tuesday worked for the pastor but it conflicted with my appointment with Freud. Rather than postpone our meeting further I canceled Freud in order to have lunch with the pastor. At this point, it is what it is so I’m not giving it much further thought but will just move forward with no intent of canceling future appointments with Freud.
For right now, I’m living the words of Scarlett O’Hara:
I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.
After all... tomorrow is another day.
Consequently, I don’t feel like I have a lot to talk about here this week. One never knows though until getting into the flow of the writing though where it will go or what and how much ground may be covered. Most all of my posting is just stream of consciousness stuff. Let’s see where the stream leads today.
Last Friday, I met with a journalist who is working on a story about women like me. Specifically, she is writing about moms who cheat. She had put out the call on Twitter, and I responded. We met for only an hour, not nearly enough time to cover everything but enough time I think to cover the basics of how it started and a lot about J and how that relationship continues on a sporadic basis today. Also, she’s read some of my blog so she wasn’t entirely unaware of me and my less than stellar side. It felt brave in some ways to talk to someone IRL who hasn’t been part of my little circle of imaginary internet friends about that side of me. It was a little scary, but Mrs. Chicken couldn’t have been nicer. Having followed her blog for a while I knew she would be. I’m looking forward to reading her article when she completes it and will most likely share a link to it here so you can read it too.
Talking on Friday felt like the start of the idling process, it kicked off a period of just kind of reflecting and reviewing for myself how I’ve come to be here, at this point, now. This was followed by a weekend filled with N and me activities which left little time for me to be me or ruminate on being me or whatever.
Tuesday should have seen me in session with Freud, but I canceled. I haven’t yet decided what I think of my reason for canceling. I waver between feeling justified and feeling that I was weaseling out of an uncomfortable situation. The fact of the matter is that instead of meeting with Freud I met with my pastor, not in any therapeutic sort of way, but to discuss adult education matters within the church. We had been trying to schedule a time to have lunch to have this discussion for about three weeks. Tuesday worked for the pastor but it conflicted with my appointment with Freud. Rather than postpone our meeting further I canceled Freud in order to have lunch with the pastor. At this point, it is what it is so I’m not giving it much further thought but will just move forward with no intent of canceling future appointments with Freud.
For right now, I’m living the words of Scarlett O’Hara:
I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.
After all... tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Just a Quickie
Emotions are swarming like gnats in autumn. I know it is at least partially due to hormones, but it isn't all about that. There's other shit too.
I am, in spite of some contradictions within, all of the following:
Angry
Sad
Frustrated
Giddy
Energetic
Anxious
Tense
Happy
Hopeful
Confused
Uncertain
I feel like a slingshot that is poised for shooting, pulled taut, waiting until that moment when the tension will be released and the rock flung far into the future but not at all sure when that may be.
Shudder. . .
I am, in spite of some contradictions within, all of the following:
Angry
Sad
Frustrated
Giddy
Energetic
Anxious
Tense
Happy
Hopeful
Confused
Uncertain
I feel like a slingshot that is poised for shooting, pulled taut, waiting until that moment when the tension will be released and the rock flung far into the future but not at all sure when that may be.
Shudder. . .
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Thursday Therapy: Deflection
I am really good at one thing. Oh, there may be other things I’m good at in addition to this, but this one thing is what I’m talking about today. I am really good at deflection – the act of turning aside or off course according to the dictionary.
When I am trying to deal with my own issues it is very easy for me to turn aside or wander off course, particularly by analyzing other people’s behavior and issues. Oh, I’m a master at dissecting someone else’s behavior and the causes behind it and what they ought to do to change it.
I caught myself doing this very thing a lot this week, actually since last week’s therapy session. The newish coworker I’ve mentioned here several times (let’s call her D because I do believe she’ll appear here in my blog as a recurring player so she needs a letter all her own) before has been my most recentvictim subject. It started fairly innocently. Then I went from one little thing to focusing more on her many problems (in my head only; of course I’m not one of those people that would talk to her and try to show her the error of her ways) than my own. It finally occurred to me that what I was doing here was deflecting, perhaps even projecting some by criticizing behavior in D that I don’t like in myself.
The sidetrack in my thinking started when I overanalyzed (What? Me? Overanalyze? Shocking!) something that Freud said in my last session with him. As we discussed my “need” for men in my life we were addressing what it was that a man in my life provided for me. One thing we came up with was that I feel that as long as I have a man in my life I have a safety net, someone who will take care of me if I can’t take care of myself. (How’s that workin’ for ya’ Trueself? Not so well Dr. Phil; now get out of my head.) I brought up something D had said to me one day as we were telling each other life stories (in the way that new friends do). She said to me “Oh no! You aren’t one of those women who always has to have a man in her life are you?” Well. . . yeah. . . as a matter of fact that’s exactly who I am. Freud said (I know I’m getting this all out of chronological order, but for the life of me I can’t really remember the proper order of how things were discussed.) something about D may have a support system outside of having a man in her life. (EPIPHANY As I write this I just now realize what I’m really in need of is a support system. It’s just that I’ve always defined support system as a man in my life. But it isn’t a man in my life that I need. It is a support system.) I replied that yes, in fact I know that she has a support system comprised of several of her siblings.
Anyway, thinking about the comparison between D and me I realized that from what she says she leans heavily on her siblings, one in particular, so much so in fact after being laid off she moved a few hundred miles to live in the same town with her sister. Even after getting a job that requires more than a one hour commute each way she continues to live in the same town as her sister rather than moving closer to her new job. So much for her being the pillar of independence. And this thinking led me from one thing to the next, analyzing a good bit of what she says and does, and were she to ask I could lay out an entire schematic of things that she could change to make herself into a better, more whole person.
Yeah, a whole week or more with way too much emphasis put towards fixing someone else when in fact there is nothing at all for me to do to fix D. I ain’t volunteering fixes that haven’t been asked for, and she ain’t asking. So. . . much. . . wasted time. . .
BUT. . .
Just having the epiphany above as I was writing has helped pull me just now back from the deflection and refocus efforts on things I can do for me, to make me a more whole person. What I need to do is a two pronged thing here: first, I need to work on my own self image and determine what I truly can depend on myself to handle while second, I need to work on developing a support system or perhaps to some extent just recognizing the support system I already have.
Maybe I don’t have to bear all the burdens all by myself.
Maybe there are ways to share those burdens in an appropriate way so that they aren’t so daunting to me.
Maybe I don’t have to be a lone wolf all my life.
Maybe I don’t have to give up being me in order to be part of the pack.
Maybe there’s hope for me yet.
When I am trying to deal with my own issues it is very easy for me to turn aside or wander off course, particularly by analyzing other people’s behavior and issues. Oh, I’m a master at dissecting someone else’s behavior and the causes behind it and what they ought to do to change it.
I caught myself doing this very thing a lot this week, actually since last week’s therapy session. The newish coworker I’ve mentioned here several times (let’s call her D because I do believe she’ll appear here in my blog as a recurring player so she needs a letter all her own) before has been my most recent
The sidetrack in my thinking started when I overanalyzed (What? Me? Overanalyze? Shocking!) something that Freud said in my last session with him. As we discussed my “need” for men in my life we were addressing what it was that a man in my life provided for me. One thing we came up with was that I feel that as long as I have a man in my life I have a safety net, someone who will take care of me if I can’t take care of myself. (How’s that workin’ for ya’ Trueself? Not so well Dr. Phil; now get out of my head.) I brought up something D had said to me one day as we were telling each other life stories (in the way that new friends do). She said to me “Oh no! You aren’t one of those women who always has to have a man in her life are you?” Well. . . yeah. . . as a matter of fact that’s exactly who I am. Freud said (I know I’m getting this all out of chronological order, but for the life of me I can’t really remember the proper order of how things were discussed.) something about D may have a support system outside of having a man in her life. (EPIPHANY As I write this I just now realize what I’m really in need of is a support system. It’s just that I’ve always defined support system as a man in my life. But it isn’t a man in my life that I need. It is a support system.) I replied that yes, in fact I know that she has a support system comprised of several of her siblings.
Anyway, thinking about the comparison between D and me I realized that from what she says she leans heavily on her siblings, one in particular, so much so in fact after being laid off she moved a few hundred miles to live in the same town with her sister. Even after getting a job that requires more than a one hour commute each way she continues to live in the same town as her sister rather than moving closer to her new job. So much for her being the pillar of independence. And this thinking led me from one thing to the next, analyzing a good bit of what she says and does, and were she to ask I could lay out an entire schematic of things that she could change to make herself into a better, more whole person.
Yeah, a whole week or more with way too much emphasis put towards fixing someone else when in fact there is nothing at all for me to do to fix D. I ain’t volunteering fixes that haven’t been asked for, and she ain’t asking. So. . . much. . . wasted time. . .
BUT. . .
Just having the epiphany above as I was writing has helped pull me just now back from the deflection and refocus efforts on things I can do for me, to make me a more whole person. What I need to do is a two pronged thing here: first, I need to work on my own self image and determine what I truly can depend on myself to handle while second, I need to work on developing a support system or perhaps to some extent just recognizing the support system I already have.
Maybe I don’t have to bear all the burdens all by myself.
Maybe there are ways to share those burdens in an appropriate way so that they aren’t so daunting to me.
Maybe I don’t have to be a lone wolf all my life.
Maybe I don’t have to give up being me in order to be part of the pack.
Maybe there’s hope for me yet.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Man of My Dreams
No, the title isn’t exactly leading into a post you would think it would. Nope. . . So stopping thinking that way. Right now. I insist. No, this post is about a dream I had last night and the man who appeared in it in a starring role.
This was one of those dreams that was very vivid, the kind that sticks with me afterwards as my conscious brain tries to work through what my subconscious brain was trying to tell me during the night.
The man, let’s call him Jake because I believe that was his name in my dream (or it might have been Jared or James or Jack, but it was a J name so Jake will do) in the dream seems to be someone with whom I am familiar and comfortable. However, Jake is not someone from my real life. Awake, I have no idea who I may have patterned him after. In my dream though we were obviously well acquainted prior to the start of the dream.
The Dream:
I arrive at a hotel suite (almost more like an apartment than hotel suite though in that it has a full kitchen and dining area) that I have reserved and for which I am paying. N is with me. W and several family members from W’s side of the family will be joining us there for Thanksgiving dinner. I notice with some frustration that this suite has an adjoining suite with only a short hallway, no door, separating them. Jake arrives at some point, but I am unclear now as to exactly when he appears in my dream.
One of the problems we have is that when we arrive, I discover that I have forgotten the suitcase in which most of N and my clothing is packed. We have only our overnight bag which contains toiletries, underwear and socks. I worry over this for a short time but then reason that surely W noticed and will bring our suitcase along with his when he comes. Later, when he arrives I learn that of course he has not brought our suitcase, just his. I express some frustration over this as does N.
Here is where the dream gets fuzzy to me. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know the TV was on and there was some disagreement over what to watch. My recollection of the dream continues at bedtime. By this time Jake is there, and it is clear that he is very much smitten with me. I also feel an attraction to him, but I know that I have to maintain my distance since W and N are there too. I am also aware of the people in the adjacent suite as I can hear conversation over there and again feel frustration that the only thing that separates us from them is common decency not to interfere with one another. I remember hoping they wouldn’t stay up too late and keep us awake.
While watching TV, we’re all (me, N, Jake and W) sitting on some large L-shaped sofa. At one point I’m more lying down than sitting. Jake swoops in to try to kiss me, but I push him away telling him to stop and thinking to myself that I don’t want to hurt W’s feelings by doing such things in front of him. I’m also hoping Jake doesn’t take it the wrong way, thinking that I don’t want to be with him because I do. It’s just that I want to show some respect for my marriage. (Hey, I know, but it’s a dream. Obviously my subconscious was at work here on me.)
Again fuzziness. We must’ve gone to sleep and slept through the night because the next thing I knew it was morning. W was in the bathroom showering or shaving or whatever. N was still asleep. Jake was lying next to me talking to me. He’s telling me how attracted he is to me and how he really wants us to be a bigger part of one another’s lives. I tell him I am flattered. I keep trying to act very coolly toward him as I know I have an obligation to my marriage, but inwardly I am dying to tell him how much I feel the same as he does.
Jake produces a ring from his pocket and asks me if I will marry him. He tells me that he knows that I can’t marry right away, but he wants us to be engaged. He wants us to be promised to one another and marry as soon as I can divorce W. I am blown away. I say yes, of course. We kiss. He gently slides the ring on my finger. Although I can’t see it clearly (maybe I don’t have my glasses on yet) it looks a little less delicate than I expected, but I choose not to think about it.
Soon it becomes quite busy. There is cooking to do and relatives start arriving. The suite is abuzz with activity. We try placing an olive green runner on the dining table but it is too short to run the length of the table. (I know, what a crazy detail but for some reason it stood out as a very important thing to me in the dream.) I decide we should use a tablecloth that I have, but then remember I’m not at home and don’t have it with me. We look in the cupboards in the suite and find an ugly rust orange plastic tablecloth and after some discussion we decide that we will use it.
It is during this dinner preparation time that I finally look at my engagement ring. It is, to be kind about it, butt ugly. It is a yellow gold wide band with four tiny diamonds(?), zirconia(?), crystals(?), paste(?), set in a gold parallelogram on the front of it. Hmm. . . This would not have been my choice, but then again of all the engagements rings I’ve had in my lifetime (and there are more than there ever should have been, trust me) I’ve only every had one that could be considered nice. I sigh and continue with dinner preparations.
Around this time one of the female relatives (and truly I don’t remember which one or if it is one that exists in real life or only in my dream) starts to talk to me about my engagement to Jake. Nothing at all came up about W, or the obvious need to accomplish the divorce from him prior to undertaking a new marriage. No, her focus was Jake and her concerns that he was leading me on and only intended for me as a cash cow. She stated that I didn’t know much about him, and as far as she was concerned he was looking forward to living off of my income, in my house, and not interested in the least in being my soulmate. I verbally disagreed with her, but I thought to myself that maybe the ugly cheap engagement ring was more than just bad taste. Maybe it reflected Jake’s lack of real interest in me other than financial.
I go out to the living room area and sit with Jake. We start to talk. He gives very evasive answers.
I woke up at this point and the details of this dream have been nagging at me all day long. They won’t let go. Maybe I’ll dream it again tonight, or pick up where I left off, or maybe it was just a one and done kind of dream. For whatever else it means, I do see that it reflects one of my basic fears – that I will never find a man who is interested in me unless I can provide financially for myself and possibly contribute to his living expenses too.
This was one of those dreams that was very vivid, the kind that sticks with me afterwards as my conscious brain tries to work through what my subconscious brain was trying to tell me during the night.
The man, let’s call him Jake because I believe that was his name in my dream (or it might have been Jared or James or Jack, but it was a J name so Jake will do) in the dream seems to be someone with whom I am familiar and comfortable. However, Jake is not someone from my real life. Awake, I have no idea who I may have patterned him after. In my dream though we were obviously well acquainted prior to the start of the dream.
The Dream:
I arrive at a hotel suite (almost more like an apartment than hotel suite though in that it has a full kitchen and dining area) that I have reserved and for which I am paying. N is with me. W and several family members from W’s side of the family will be joining us there for Thanksgiving dinner. I notice with some frustration that this suite has an adjoining suite with only a short hallway, no door, separating them. Jake arrives at some point, but I am unclear now as to exactly when he appears in my dream.
One of the problems we have is that when we arrive, I discover that I have forgotten the suitcase in which most of N and my clothing is packed. We have only our overnight bag which contains toiletries, underwear and socks. I worry over this for a short time but then reason that surely W noticed and will bring our suitcase along with his when he comes. Later, when he arrives I learn that of course he has not brought our suitcase, just his. I express some frustration over this as does N.
Here is where the dream gets fuzzy to me. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know the TV was on and there was some disagreement over what to watch. My recollection of the dream continues at bedtime. By this time Jake is there, and it is clear that he is very much smitten with me. I also feel an attraction to him, but I know that I have to maintain my distance since W and N are there too. I am also aware of the people in the adjacent suite as I can hear conversation over there and again feel frustration that the only thing that separates us from them is common decency not to interfere with one another. I remember hoping they wouldn’t stay up too late and keep us awake.
While watching TV, we’re all (me, N, Jake and W) sitting on some large L-shaped sofa. At one point I’m more lying down than sitting. Jake swoops in to try to kiss me, but I push him away telling him to stop and thinking to myself that I don’t want to hurt W’s feelings by doing such things in front of him. I’m also hoping Jake doesn’t take it the wrong way, thinking that I don’t want to be with him because I do. It’s just that I want to show some respect for my marriage. (Hey, I know, but it’s a dream. Obviously my subconscious was at work here on me.)
Again fuzziness. We must’ve gone to sleep and slept through the night because the next thing I knew it was morning. W was in the bathroom showering or shaving or whatever. N was still asleep. Jake was lying next to me talking to me. He’s telling me how attracted he is to me and how he really wants us to be a bigger part of one another’s lives. I tell him I am flattered. I keep trying to act very coolly toward him as I know I have an obligation to my marriage, but inwardly I am dying to tell him how much I feel the same as he does.
Jake produces a ring from his pocket and asks me if I will marry him. He tells me that he knows that I can’t marry right away, but he wants us to be engaged. He wants us to be promised to one another and marry as soon as I can divorce W. I am blown away. I say yes, of course. We kiss. He gently slides the ring on my finger. Although I can’t see it clearly (maybe I don’t have my glasses on yet) it looks a little less delicate than I expected, but I choose not to think about it.
Soon it becomes quite busy. There is cooking to do and relatives start arriving. The suite is abuzz with activity. We try placing an olive green runner on the dining table but it is too short to run the length of the table. (I know, what a crazy detail but for some reason it stood out as a very important thing to me in the dream.) I decide we should use a tablecloth that I have, but then remember I’m not at home and don’t have it with me. We look in the cupboards in the suite and find an ugly rust orange plastic tablecloth and after some discussion we decide that we will use it.
It is during this dinner preparation time that I finally look at my engagement ring. It is, to be kind about it, butt ugly. It is a yellow gold wide band with four tiny diamonds(?), zirconia(?), crystals(?), paste(?), set in a gold parallelogram on the front of it. Hmm. . . This would not have been my choice, but then again of all the engagements rings I’ve had in my lifetime (and there are more than there ever should have been, trust me) I’ve only every had one that could be considered nice. I sigh and continue with dinner preparations.
Around this time one of the female relatives (and truly I don’t remember which one or if it is one that exists in real life or only in my dream) starts to talk to me about my engagement to Jake. Nothing at all came up about W, or the obvious need to accomplish the divorce from him prior to undertaking a new marriage. No, her focus was Jake and her concerns that he was leading me on and only intended for me as a cash cow. She stated that I didn’t know much about him, and as far as she was concerned he was looking forward to living off of my income, in my house, and not interested in the least in being my soulmate. I verbally disagreed with her, but I thought to myself that maybe the ugly cheap engagement ring was more than just bad taste. Maybe it reflected Jake’s lack of real interest in me other than financial.
I go out to the living room area and sit with Jake. We start to talk. He gives very evasive answers.
I woke up at this point and the details of this dream have been nagging at me all day long. They won’t let go. Maybe I’ll dream it again tonight, or pick up where I left off, or maybe it was just a one and done kind of dream. For whatever else it means, I do see that it reflects one of my basic fears – that I will never find a man who is interested in me unless I can provide financially for myself and possibly contribute to his living expenses too.
Monday, March 01, 2010
Sunday Stealing: Harriet's Choice: The Disney Meme
Hmmm. . . not a huge Disney fan so this should be really boring awful challenging. Not sure I even know for sure Disney films vs. other films so that could be entertaining for you as you read through the answers seeing my ignorance shining through. Also not sure I’ll even have answers for all the questions. Oh well, let’s give it a go, shall we? After all, how bad can it possibly be?
1. Which non-Disney Princess Disney Film is your favorite? Okay, I think I know this one – Toy Story.
2. Which Disney film makes you cry the most? Given that I cry super easily at movies I suppose a better question would be which films don’t make me cry? However, to answer the question as given I guess it would be Bambi. I mean how can you not cry when a mother is killed?
3. Which Disney film makes you the happiest? Mary Poppins
4. Which Disney film has the best music? The Lion King
5. Which Disney film has the best love story? Lady and the Tramp
6. Who is your favorite Disney Princess? None of them. They all make me kind of want to gag. Oh no, wait. That's not right. I like the princess in The Princess Diaries. That's a Disney movie, right?
7. Who is your favorite Disney Prince? None of them is definitely the right answer to this one.
8. Who is your favorite Disney animal sidekick? Eeyore. Okay, I know he's not exactly a sidekick, but he isn't a main character either so he fits here better than as an answer to the next question.
9. Who is your favorite Disney main character animal? Winnie the Pooh
10. Who is your favorite villain? I have no favorite villain. Villains are bad and evil. Therefore I do not like villains.
11. What is your favorite Disney song? Probably something from Mary Poppins.
12. What is your favorite Disney villian song? Villains have songs? Couldn’t prove it by me.
13. What is your favorite Disney animal song? Animal song? So like what, it’s about animals or sung by animals or what? I don’t know. This is too much for my little brain.
14. What is your favorite Disney Princess song? No favorite princess song.
15. What is your favorite Disney Prince song? See answer to prior question.
16. What is your favorite Disney Prince/Princess duet song? Are you effing kidding me? Nada, none, nothing.
17. What is your favorite Disney love song? Oh for pity’s sake, I don’t know.
I do believe this is the worst Sunday Stealing I’ve completed to date. Hopefully it is not indicative of future editions, or I just might have to dump Sunday Stealing and find some other mindless meme to completeweakly weekly.
1. Which non-Disney Princess Disney Film is your favorite? Okay, I think I know this one – Toy Story.
2. Which Disney film makes you cry the most? Given that I cry super easily at movies I suppose a better question would be which films don’t make me cry? However, to answer the question as given I guess it would be Bambi. I mean how can you not cry when a mother is killed?
3. Which Disney film makes you the happiest? Mary Poppins
4. Which Disney film has the best music? The Lion King
5. Which Disney film has the best love story? Lady and the Tramp
6. Who is your favorite Disney Princess? None of them. They all make me kind of want to gag. Oh no, wait. That's not right. I like the princess in The Princess Diaries. That's a Disney movie, right?
7. Who is your favorite Disney Prince? None of them is definitely the right answer to this one.
8. Who is your favorite Disney animal sidekick? Eeyore. Okay, I know he's not exactly a sidekick, but he isn't a main character either so he fits here better than as an answer to the next question.
9. Who is your favorite Disney main character animal? Winnie the Pooh
10. Who is your favorite villain? I have no favorite villain. Villains are bad and evil. Therefore I do not like villains.
11. What is your favorite Disney song? Probably something from Mary Poppins.
12. What is your favorite Disney villian song? Villains have songs? Couldn’t prove it by me.
13. What is your favorite Disney animal song? Animal song? So like what, it’s about animals or sung by animals or what? I don’t know. This is too much for my little brain.
14. What is your favorite Disney Princess song? No favorite princess song.
15. What is your favorite Disney Prince song? See answer to prior question.
16. What is your favorite Disney Prince/Princess duet song? Are you effing kidding me? Nada, none, nothing.
17. What is your favorite Disney love song? Oh for pity’s sake, I don’t know.
I do believe this is the worst Sunday Stealing I’ve completed to date. Hopefully it is not indicative of future editions, or I just might have to dump Sunday Stealing and find some other mindless meme to complete
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sunday Stealing: The Clown's Meme 2
Okay, so I thought I better get this posted prior to the next Sunday Stealing being due. So here's last week's edition which is a continuation of the prior Sunday's version.
34. What do you like about the summer? Sunshine, warmth, vacation
35. What do you like about spring? Flowers, my birthday, Easter
36. How many states provinces have you lived in? Four
37. What cities/towns have you lived in? Well now, if I shared that much detail I would essentially be outing myself. Let’s just say that in State #1 I’ve lived in five different cities/towns, in State #2 I’ve lived in three different cities/towns, in State #3 just one city, and State #4 four cities/towns. I have been something of a nomad.
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Bare feet in warm weather, socks in cold weather, shoes are only for when it is absolutely necessary to conform with society or to keep one’s feet dry.
39. Are you a social person? Not really.
40. What was the last thing you ate? Pop Tarts
41. What is your favorite restaurant? Radio Maria for a nice dinner out, Papa Del’s for everyday
42. What is your favorite ice cream? Peanut Butter Chocolate
43. What is your favorite dessert? Hot fudge brownie sundae
44. What is your favorite kind of soup? Lentil
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? Strawberry Jam
46. Do you like Chinese food? Not the greasy Americanized version, but real Chinese food yes.
47. Do you like coffee? Are you kidding me? I live for coffee.
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? Not as many as I ought to drink, probably one or two.
49. What do you drink in the morning? Coffee, of course! How else would I wake myself up?
50. What non-banking related card in your wallet is the most valuable to you? Bus pass
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Not really, I pretty much sleep all over it.
52. Do you know how to play poker? Yes.
53. Do you like to cuddle? YES!!
54. Have you ever been to Canada? Nope.
55. Do you have an addictive personality? Yes.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often? At home.
57. What do you miss about high school, if anything? Marching band.
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Not personally.
59. Do you want kids? Um, yes, that’s why I have one.
60. Do you speak any other languages? Español, un poquito solamente.
61. Have you ever gotten stitches? Yes, but only after surgery never from an injury.
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Three times so far, and that’s plenty really.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? Pool for swimming, ocean for walking in the surf.
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? Aisle.
65. Do you know how to drive stick? Not really. I can, but not well.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? I don’t really like to spend money. I like to save money. I suppose my favorite thing to spend money on would be travel. I do love to travel, although I like to do it as economically as possible.
34. What do you like about the summer? Sunshine, warmth, vacation
35. What do you like about spring? Flowers, my birthday, Easter
36. How many states provinces have you lived in? Four
37. What cities/towns have you lived in? Well now, if I shared that much detail I would essentially be outing myself. Let’s just say that in State #1 I’ve lived in five different cities/towns, in State #2 I’ve lived in three different cities/towns, in State #3 just one city, and State #4 four cities/towns. I have been something of a nomad.
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Bare feet in warm weather, socks in cold weather, shoes are only for when it is absolutely necessary to conform with society or to keep one’s feet dry.
39. Are you a social person? Not really.
40. What was the last thing you ate? Pop Tarts
41. What is your favorite restaurant? Radio Maria for a nice dinner out, Papa Del’s for everyday
42. What is your favorite ice cream? Peanut Butter Chocolate
43. What is your favorite dessert? Hot fudge brownie sundae
44. What is your favorite kind of soup? Lentil
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? Strawberry Jam
46. Do you like Chinese food? Not the greasy Americanized version, but real Chinese food yes.
47. Do you like coffee? Are you kidding me? I live for coffee.
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? Not as many as I ought to drink, probably one or two.
49. What do you drink in the morning? Coffee, of course! How else would I wake myself up?
50. What non-banking related card in your wallet is the most valuable to you? Bus pass
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Not really, I pretty much sleep all over it.
52. Do you know how to play poker? Yes.
53. Do you like to cuddle? YES!!
54. Have you ever been to Canada? Nope.
55. Do you have an addictive personality? Yes.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often? At home.
57. What do you miss about high school, if anything? Marching band.
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Not personally.
59. Do you want kids? Um, yes, that’s why I have one.
60. Do you speak any other languages? Español, un poquito solamente.
61. Have you ever gotten stitches? Yes, but only after surgery never from an injury.
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Three times so far, and that’s plenty really.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? Pool for swimming, ocean for walking in the surf.
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? Aisle.
65. Do you know how to drive stick? Not really. I can, but not well.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? I don’t really like to spend money. I like to save money. I suppose my favorite thing to spend money on would be travel. I do love to travel, although I like to do it as economically as possible.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Echoing in My Empty Brain
"We aren't like other families. We're so much better than they are because we don't drink, or cuss, or smoke cigarettes, and we go to church most Sundays."
"You'll never get a man to love you if you're too fat."
"You'll never get a man to marry you if you won't change your last name when you do."
"You're too idealistic. You can't change anything so don't waste your time trying."
"The only way you'll ever succeed in life is to learn to keep your mouth shut."
"Mind your own business." (said when I witnessed a man abusing a woman, both of whom I didn't know, in the alley by our house)
"You have to learn to mind your own business and not make waves." (said after I called police to report the abuse)
"You have to be less selfish. No man will ever want you if you want to have things your way."
Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad. Great advice. Some absorbed more deeply than others, but they all left their mark.
"You'll never get a man to love you if you're too fat."
"You'll never get a man to marry you if you won't change your last name when you do."
"You're too idealistic. You can't change anything so don't waste your time trying."
"The only way you'll ever succeed in life is to learn to keep your mouth shut."
"Mind your own business." (said when I witnessed a man abusing a woman, both of whom I didn't know, in the alley by our house)
"You have to learn to mind your own business and not make waves." (said after I called police to report the abuse)
"You have to be less selfish. No man will ever want you if you want to have things your way."
Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad. Great advice. Some absorbed more deeply than others, but they all left their mark.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday Therapy: And How Do You Feel About That?
Well, well, well. . .
Good session with Freud this week. We started delving into places whereangels I fear to tread. We started talking about things that have been forefront in my mind throughout my viral snot-infested Mucinex-resistant sinus and bronchial infection.
Being sick gives one lots of time to think between lying in bed limp as a ragdoll and coughing in spasms that wrack the body and cause embarrassing lack of bladder control. Thinking is good. . . sometimes. Thinking is bad. . . sometimes. And sometimes thinking leads you down paths that you just flat out don’t want to go.
But before we head off in that direction (notice subtle technique for delaying tackling the subject matter at hand) I do want to relate some mighty interesting dreams of late. For a period of about two to three weeks and then ending about a week and a half ago I had a recurring dream. My psyche was dealing with the last vestiges of my recent past. The dream always went the same way. I was happily working on something at home when lo and behold BJ shows up unexpectedly. He goes on and on about how he’d made such a mistake to let me go and how he missed me badly and wanted me back. I would turn, look up, and practically laugh in his face as I tell him sorry, too little, too late. I’ve already moved on. The first time I dreamed it I was almost giddy the next day because it seemed such a victory. By the last time I dreamed it I was so finished with both him and the dream I just wanted it over. And it is.
Okay, back to the subject at hand. What I’ve been thinking about a lot and discussed at length with Freud, and will continue to discuss with him at my next session, is the thing that is behind my inability to be without a man, some man, any man, multiple men, in my life at any given time. To be without a man, to me, is the most fearsome thing ever. While it is easy enough to think, and to say, “so go be single for a while, prove to yourself you can do it on your own” it ain’t so easy to do. At least it isn’t for me. I can’t even approach thinking about that without knowing that there is a man, or a few men, or a bunch of men, who are there for me. And once I have a hold on one, or a few, or a bunch, I don’t let go. I don’t let go unless I am absolutely forced to do so.
Part of it, not all of it but a good part of it, is that I want someone to take care of me, to be there for me when I need it the most. I feel like I have no safety net. I feel like I have to just keep plugging along, without rest, without assistance, without anyone to fall back on if and when I need a break. Do other people feel like they have a support system? Is it wrong of me to want one? Am I unrealistic in thinking that I should be able to have the peace of mind that there is a safety net somewhere that will catch me if I fall off the rope on which my life teeters? Am I just naturally weaker than other people? Do other people do just fine and dandy on their own without a net? These are the questions I ask myself, that roll around my empty head while I try to recuperate from the plague of 2010. These are the questions Freud is helping me to start to address. Also, we are digging into why I feel the way I do and what I might do to work myself into a better place.
Good session with Freud this week. We started delving into places where
Being sick gives one lots of time to think between lying in bed limp as a ragdoll and coughing in spasms that wrack the body and cause embarrassing lack of bladder control. Thinking is good. . . sometimes. Thinking is bad. . . sometimes. And sometimes thinking leads you down paths that you just flat out don’t want to go.
But before we head off in that direction (notice subtle technique for delaying tackling the subject matter at hand) I do want to relate some mighty interesting dreams of late. For a period of about two to three weeks and then ending about a week and a half ago I had a recurring dream. My psyche was dealing with the last vestiges of my recent past. The dream always went the same way. I was happily working on something at home when lo and behold BJ shows up unexpectedly. He goes on and on about how he’d made such a mistake to let me go and how he missed me badly and wanted me back. I would turn, look up, and practically laugh in his face as I tell him sorry, too little, too late. I’ve already moved on. The first time I dreamed it I was almost giddy the next day because it seemed such a victory. By the last time I dreamed it I was so finished with both him and the dream I just wanted it over. And it is.
Okay, back to the subject at hand. What I’ve been thinking about a lot and discussed at length with Freud, and will continue to discuss with him at my next session, is the thing that is behind my inability to be without a man, some man, any man, multiple men, in my life at any given time. To be without a man, to me, is the most fearsome thing ever. While it is easy enough to think, and to say, “so go be single for a while, prove to yourself you can do it on your own” it ain’t so easy to do. At least it isn’t for me. I can’t even approach thinking about that without knowing that there is a man, or a few men, or a bunch of men, who are there for me. And once I have a hold on one, or a few, or a bunch, I don’t let go. I don’t let go unless I am absolutely forced to do so.
Part of it, not all of it but a good part of it, is that I want someone to take care of me, to be there for me when I need it the most. I feel like I have no safety net. I feel like I have to just keep plugging along, without rest, without assistance, without anyone to fall back on if and when I need a break. Do other people feel like they have a support system? Is it wrong of me to want one? Am I unrealistic in thinking that I should be able to have the peace of mind that there is a safety net somewhere that will catch me if I fall off the rope on which my life teeters? Am I just naturally weaker than other people? Do other people do just fine and dandy on their own without a net? These are the questions I ask myself, that roll around my empty head while I try to recuperate from the plague of 2010. These are the questions Freud is helping me to start to address. Also, we are digging into why I feel the way I do and what I might do to work myself into a better place.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Why Yes I am Still Alive
Still fighting the virus from hell. I have so many stories to tell. . . and no energy to write them here. Suffice to say I make it to work each day which saps every ounce of energy in my being leaving me useless for anything else.
Pass the tissues, would you please? Thanks.
Pass the tissues, would you please? Thanks.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday Therapy: Most Nothing of All
I'm sick with the virus from hell. I don't feel well enough to think of a post this week for Thursday Therapy.
Sorry. . .
I'll be back once I kick this virus in the ass.
Sorry. . .
I'll be back once I kick this virus in the ass.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday Stealing: The Clown's Meme 1
1. How old will you be in five years? If I live that long, I’ll be 53.
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? Just my coworkers, but even then I haven't really spent much time with them. They are in their cubes, and I'm in mine.
3. How tall are you? 5’ 7”
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Spending an afternoon with J. (Yes, I see your eyes rolling. I’ll admit I’m rolling mine a bit myself.)
5. What’s the last movie you saw? I watched Seven Pounds yesterday afternoon. I had never seen it before. I’m glad I watched it in the privacy of my own family room with a box of tissues at my side because I bawled at the end.
6. Who was the last person you called? N
7. Who was the last person to call you? N
8. What was the last text message you received? Don’t remember; it’s been a while.
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? Receptionist at my doctor’s office
10. Do you prefer to call or text? Text
11. What were you doing at 12am last night? Sleeping soundly, probably snoring.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? Married
13. When is the last time you saw your mom? Several months ago
14. What color are your eyes? It depends on who you ask, what the lighting is, and what I’m wearing. On my driver’s license I claim hazel.
15. What time did you wake up today? 6:00 a.m., 6:09 a.m., 6:18 a.m., 6:27 a.m., 6:36 a.m., and finally for real at 6:45 a.m. (Yes, hitting the snooze button gives me nine minutes reprieve.)
16. What are you wearing right now? Navy slacks, red blouse, tan sweater, red socks, black shoes (yes, I know you’re supposed to wear brown shoes with navy slacks; so sue me)
17. What is your favorite christmas song? All of them
18. Where is your favorite place to be? Okay, this will sound weird to a lot of people I’m sure, but I love the Illini Union. It’s like the living room of the U of I campus, and so much more. I love to sit in one of the comfy chairs in the south lounge, with a good book to read and a mocha to drink, and just relax, read, people watch, and enjoy the atmosphere. I love the energy of the university environment. I love going downstairs and bowling or playing pool. I hate that they replaced the cafeteria style dining with a fast food court. I used to love that cafeteria with homestyle cooking. Now it’s just another junk food haven. Oh well, no place is perfect.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be? Medical facilities, too many sick people there, too many sad stories, too much pain and suffering.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? Scotland
21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years? Right here in LNJ
22. Do you tan or burn? Burn, only burn, never tan.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Burglars. I can’t tell you the number of times I awoke in the middle of the night convinced I could hear burglars in the house.
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? Can’t remember.
25. How many TVs do you have in your house? Three
26. How big is your bed? Queen size
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? Currently, I have neither of my own.
29. What color are your sheets? Light blue
30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Four to six, I like to nest.
31. What is your favorite season? Spring
32. What do you like about Autumn? N’s birthday
33. What do you like about winter? Basketball
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? Just my coworkers, but even then I haven't really spent much time with them. They are in their cubes, and I'm in mine.
3. How tall are you? 5’ 7”
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? Spending an afternoon with J. (Yes, I see your eyes rolling. I’ll admit I’m rolling mine a bit myself.)
5. What’s the last movie you saw? I watched Seven Pounds yesterday afternoon. I had never seen it before. I’m glad I watched it in the privacy of my own family room with a box of tissues at my side because I bawled at the end.
6. Who was the last person you called? N
7. Who was the last person to call you? N
8. What was the last text message you received? Don’t remember; it’s been a while.
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? Receptionist at my doctor’s office
10. Do you prefer to call or text? Text
11. What were you doing at 12am last night? Sleeping soundly, probably snoring.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? Married
13. When is the last time you saw your mom? Several months ago
14. What color are your eyes? It depends on who you ask, what the lighting is, and what I’m wearing. On my driver’s license I claim hazel.
15. What time did you wake up today? 6:00 a.m., 6:09 a.m., 6:18 a.m., 6:27 a.m., 6:36 a.m., and finally for real at 6:45 a.m. (Yes, hitting the snooze button gives me nine minutes reprieve.)
16. What are you wearing right now? Navy slacks, red blouse, tan sweater, red socks, black shoes (yes, I know you’re supposed to wear brown shoes with navy slacks; so sue me)
17. What is your favorite christmas song? All of them
18. Where is your favorite place to be? Okay, this will sound weird to a lot of people I’m sure, but I love the Illini Union. It’s like the living room of the U of I campus, and so much more. I love to sit in one of the comfy chairs in the south lounge, with a good book to read and a mocha to drink, and just relax, read, people watch, and enjoy the atmosphere. I love the energy of the university environment. I love going downstairs and bowling or playing pool. I hate that they replaced the cafeteria style dining with a fast food court. I used to love that cafeteria with homestyle cooking. Now it’s just another junk food haven. Oh well, no place is perfect.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be? Medical facilities, too many sick people there, too many sad stories, too much pain and suffering.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? Scotland
21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years? Right here in LNJ
22. Do you tan or burn? Burn, only burn, never tan.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? Burglars. I can’t tell you the number of times I awoke in the middle of the night convinced I could hear burglars in the house.
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? Can’t remember.
25. How many TVs do you have in your house? Three
26. How big is your bed? Queen size
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? Currently, I have neither of my own.
29. What color are your sheets? Light blue
30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Four to six, I like to nest.
31. What is your favorite season? Spring
32. What do you like about Autumn? N’s birthday
33. What do you like about winter? Basketball
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Yep, It's Stupid Alright
I’m not naming names in this post. I would suggest you not try to guess which of the men I’ve been with in my lifetime to whom this applies. It applies, perhaps, to more than one man I’ve had in my life, kind of a composite picture, and while some parts may apply more to one than another, it would be unfair to judge any one of the men with whom I’ve slept based on this post.
There was an anger in his lovemaking that I never quite understood. I felt there was a loving feeling missing. As a matter of fact, I don’t think it was ever lovemaking. It was just raw sex, fucking. I’m not even sure he knew how to make love to a woman.
I so badly wanted him to make love to me, to show tenderness and caring while we shared our bodies with one another. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. I didn’t know how to explain that yes, I like it rough, but I also like to feel cherished and that yes, there is a way to have both, either alternately or simultaneously.
What a huge difference it is between:
And
Now, both of those statements can be used during the exact same activity yet the first one will leave me feeling good about myself and my partner and the other will leave me disappointed in my partner and not feeling all that great about myself either. Perhaps I never said anything about it because I so much wanted to please him that I thought that if I let him have it his way that he would appreciate it enough to ask me how I would like it sometimes.
Sometimes I would just fantasize in my head the things I wanted to hear said. That worked pretty well until he would bring me back to reality by saying something demeaning. Truth be told I didn’t mind most of the things he said. It was just one word that really stung the most, the one that was like ice water thrown over me – STUPID. That was the one word that he used that I found downright insulting. That was one word I would have banned from our bedroom if I could have. STUPID. How does that have any impact on the sexual aspect of the situation? How is that supposed to make me feel more like fucking? How is that anything except an insult? I can take slut, whore, tramp, and similar words as compliments in the context of a good fucking, but stupid? Nope, I can’t find anything there to turn me on. Nothing at all. I wonder what he ever got out of it.
There was an anger in his lovemaking that I never quite understood. I felt there was a loving feeling missing. As a matter of fact, I don’t think it was ever lovemaking. It was just raw sex, fucking. I’m not even sure he knew how to make love to a woman.
I so badly wanted him to make love to me, to show tenderness and caring while we shared our bodies with one another. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. I didn’t know how to explain that yes, I like it rough, but I also like to feel cherished and that yes, there is a way to have both, either alternately or simultaneously.
What a huge difference it is between:
“Oh what a good little slut. C’mon you tramp show me how good you can do it.”
And
“Stupid slut! Whore! You like that cock, don’t you?”
Now, both of those statements can be used during the exact same activity yet the first one will leave me feeling good about myself and my partner and the other will leave me disappointed in my partner and not feeling all that great about myself either. Perhaps I never said anything about it because I so much wanted to please him that I thought that if I let him have it his way that he would appreciate it enough to ask me how I would like it sometimes.
Sometimes I would just fantasize in my head the things I wanted to hear said. That worked pretty well until he would bring me back to reality by saying something demeaning. Truth be told I didn’t mind most of the things he said. It was just one word that really stung the most, the one that was like ice water thrown over me – STUPID. That was the one word that he used that I found downright insulting. That was one word I would have banned from our bedroom if I could have. STUPID. How does that have any impact on the sexual aspect of the situation? How is that supposed to make me feel more like fucking? How is that anything except an insult? I can take slut, whore, tramp, and similar words as compliments in the context of a good fucking, but stupid? Nope, I can’t find anything there to turn me on. Nothing at all. I wonder what he ever got out of it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Happy Anniversary
Today is my three year anniversary at my job. Looking back three years ago it seems like such a short time in some ways and a lifetime ago in others. The new job meant a second big move in just a few years’ time, a disruption whose effects continue to ripple through my life. Some things are better than they were then, some things are worse, some are just different but not really better or worse, and some things are just still the same. Let’s look at each category, shall we?
Better
Worse
Just Different
Same
Overall, I would say that the Betters outweigh the Worses. Also, many of those Sames are things I need to help change so there’s plenty of room to keep making the Better list longer.
Better
- BJ and I have run our course
- M is a steady source of physical release so I’m not so on edge all the time
- Meds for the depression finally seem to be right
- Freud is helping me be a better me
- I have season Illini basketball tickets
- I love, love, love, love, love my church
- I have developed true friendships with a few people
Worse
- I keep letting J back into my life in spite of him being on marriage #3
- I am dealing with a house I never should have bought
- Finances continue to worsen, at least for the next few months
- My relationship with my parents is becoming more strained again
- My weight is back up to where it was before I lost weight several years ago
- I let Gladys intimidate me to the point where I don’t use my backyard
Just Different
- N is a precocious 11-year-old instead of a precocious 8-year-old
- N is focusing on soccer and basketball as his sports of choice rather than doing everything
- Different boss, now that we’ve cleared the air I no longer consider this a worse thing, but I’m not ready to say it’s a better thing either
Same
- W is still here, once again living in my home
- W and I are still married
- I am still miserable being with W
- I still hate the stupid Hallmark holiday in the middle of February
- I still hate Midwestern winters
- I still miss living in northern CA
Overall, I would say that the Betters outweigh the Worses. Also, many of those Sames are things I need to help change so there’s plenty of room to keep making the Better list longer.
*******************
On another note, (although I suppose one could argue this could’ve been part of the Better list) I have returned to reading one book every week or two. While this isn’t near what my reading used to be it is far greater than it has been in a long time and probably about as much as my busy life can accommodate currently. I credit getting the depression under control with bringing back my ability to concentrate and focus long enough to actually read and comprehend. I recently obtained a library card and am having a ball checking out books and reading.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Thursday Therapy: The One about Nothing
Time again for a Thursday Therapy post? Really? Where does the time go? Oh yeah, I remember now – basketball hoopla, medical hoopla, band concerts, blizzards, the cold that just keeps hanging on giving me the raspy voice and runny nose that makes me so attractive, yadda, yadda, yadda. . .
Okay, so about Tuesday’s session with Freud; he’s taking me down roads I don’t want to go. I can tell because I deflect his questions with non-answers and tangents. I head down a totally different road, and you know what? I can tell I’m not fooling him for a minute. He’s on to me. Oh yes he is. I can see it in his eyes (when I dare look him in the eye). So far he’s being gentle with me. So far he hasn’t overtly called me on it. So far. . . I get the feeling though that I won’t get away with it for another session. And really, I shouldn’t. It isn’t a productive use of his time or mine. Even if he doesn’t call me on it, I need to call myself on it and get back on board.
So can I talk about it here? Can I face it in my own head, my own blog, my own world? Yes? No? Maybe?
You know (and I know you know because you’ve read it here oh so many times), whenever I am faced with tension, discomfort, unease, my tendency is to bolt, to run, to flee the scene. My fight or flight instinct is set heavily towards the flight side, very heavily. Along with this comes an acceptance of things that I shouldn’t accept. I let people walk all over me because it’s just easier. It is easier to accept things as they are rather than go through the discomfort it would cause me to refuse to accept them. It’s easier, but it builds up. It builds up until I am so miserable that flight response kicks in. Right now, the flight response is not at the highest it’s ever been, but it’s higher than normal. It’s approaching the danger zone.
What? Huh? What’s that? You sense deflection here too? You sense I’m not playing on the level here? You sense I’m not really talking here about what Freud tried addressing with me on Tuesday. Oh you are very astute. Yes you are. Truth be told if I just wrote it here, and you read it you’d say to yourself, “Well, what the hell is the big deal?” Oh yes you would. Don’t even argue with me. I know you would.
Bleah. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Okay, so about Tuesday’s session with Freud; he’s taking me down roads I don’t want to go. I can tell because I deflect his questions with non-answers and tangents. I head down a totally different road, and you know what? I can tell I’m not fooling him for a minute. He’s on to me. Oh yes he is. I can see it in his eyes (when I dare look him in the eye). So far he’s being gentle with me. So far he hasn’t overtly called me on it. So far. . . I get the feeling though that I won’t get away with it for another session. And really, I shouldn’t. It isn’t a productive use of his time or mine. Even if he doesn’t call me on it, I need to call myself on it and get back on board.
So can I talk about it here? Can I face it in my own head, my own blog, my own world? Yes? No? Maybe?
You know (and I know you know because you’ve read it here oh so many times), whenever I am faced with tension, discomfort, unease, my tendency is to bolt, to run, to flee the scene. My fight or flight instinct is set heavily towards the flight side, very heavily. Along with this comes an acceptance of things that I shouldn’t accept. I let people walk all over me because it’s just easier. It is easier to accept things as they are rather than go through the discomfort it would cause me to refuse to accept them. It’s easier, but it builds up. It builds up until I am so miserable that flight response kicks in. Right now, the flight response is not at the highest it’s ever been, but it’s higher than normal. It’s approaching the danger zone.
What? Huh? What’s that? You sense deflection here too? You sense I’m not playing on the level here? You sense I’m not really talking here about what Freud tried addressing with me on Tuesday. Oh you are very astute. Yes you are. Truth be told if I just wrote it here, and you read it you’d say to yourself, “Well, what the hell is the big deal?” Oh yes you would. Don’t even argue with me. I know you would.
Bleah. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Hoopla at the Hoohah
WARNING: This post is chock full of TMI of the female reproductive system type. Read on at your own risk. Just sayin’.
Tuesday dawned bright and cold. Okay, maybe it wasn’t too bright. Actually, it was pretty overcast, but somehow the blanket of snow that Ma Nature laid down the night before made things seem pretty bright. Also slick apparently because virtually all of the schools in the area were closed for the day.
Being the lucky girl that I am, I had planned a day off of work for Tuesday. I scheduled a couple of appointments for that day and thought I’d also get some errands crossed off the to do list. Surely, we wouldn’t be blanketed with snow and ice, left to battle icy winds, on my day off. Umm. . . yeah, actually we would. . . because that’s the kind of lucky girl I am.
(I know, no TMI yet. You still have time to retreat before the graphic gore begins. It is coming soon. Run while there’s still time!)
In preparation for the day’s first appointment I had taken meds the night before and again in the morning. The meds were to soften my cervix to make insertion of my brand new IUD (because, really, don’t get the used ones) easier for the Dr. and for me. They had two lovely side effects – abdominal cramps and diarrhea – that hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven’t shit so much since the night before my colonoscopy a few weeks back. Also, these meds are used sometimes to jumpstart labor. Apparently, my uterus thought that’s what we were going for here and tried it’s best to have contractions. So, you know, I was just in a really good mood as I bundled up to fight the slick roads to head off to the clinic.
I arrived at the Dr.’s office a few minutes early because I had allowed extra drive time due to the road conditions. I sat in the waiting room with all the young women with protruding bellies that heralded happier reasons for being there than I had. Eventually I was called into the office (and of course they called me by the wrong name; of course; please do not saddle your offspring with unusual and difficult to pronounce names even if the name is absolutely beautiful; please for the love of God if you learn nothing else by reading this blog learn that) where I got the bright spot of my day during the weigh in. I’ve lost seven pounds since Christmas. Woohoo!
Then came the actual procedure, the one where the Dr. was going to place the IUD. . . if only she could find the canal through which it must enter the uterus. After a small amount of difficulty (and just the smallest agony on my part resulting in sounds emitting from my voice that no person should ever hear) she inserted the probe to measure the uterus to make sure the IUD would fit. At the time I didn’t realize that was all that was happening. I thought that she was placing the IUD. I held on for dear life through the pain trying with all my might to hang in there until it was over. I breathed a deep sigh of relief when she removed her instrument of torture from my tender womb. That’s when she announced that all was ready for the IUD insertion. Are you kidding me? All that just to prepare for it? I took a deep breath and stoically prepared myself for the next onslaught on my nether regions.
After a few unsuccessful attempts she called in her nurse and asked her to bring in the ultrasound machine. Her thought was that it might be easier to locate the canal that way. It didn’t. Eventually, the Dr. gave up. It was an incredible relief at that point. I hurt about as much or more than I thought I could ever handle.
The Dr. gave me a few options. I could have her keep trying, she could call one of the other OBs in to see if they had better luck, or we could schedule an outpatient surgery for her to do a hysteroscopy along with the IUD insertion. I asked her if she thought another OB would have any better chance than she had. She said no, it would just be a matter of luck if anyone could locate the canal at that point. I chose surgery. The Dr. praised me for how well I had handled it all and assured me that I was not a wimp in any way. She left me to get dressed and regain some of my dignity.
With that she turned me over to her nurse to get me all scheduled for surgery. I signed forms and answered questions and eventually we had me scheduled for surgery next Monday at an unspecified time. (They don’t tell you the time of your surgery until the afternoon of the business day before the surgery. Seems weird to me, but then what do I know?) In the meantime, I must go through a pre-op consultation with the anesthesiologist and get a full pelvic ultrasound. Well, since I was already off work yesterday and since the lab could fit me in for the ultrasound that afternoon I took the appointment.
Of course I had to do the whole drink way too much water and then don’t pee routine for the ultrasound. Fortunately, they didn’t make me wait long for my appointment (a few years ago I had to wait over 20 minutes for a pelvic ultrasound and might’ve waited longer had I not threatened to pee on the carpet in the waiting room if they didn’t hustle up) so it wasn’t too uncomfortable. I had the pleasure of having a student perform the external part of the ultrasound. I would have suspected she was a student even if she hadn’t told me and asked my consent for her to do the procedure. Why? Well, aside from the rather large “Student” printed on her nametag, she didn’t press very hard when she was doing the ultrasound. Several times the actual tech who was supervising her had to help her and get her to push harder. I’m sure that’s how a lot of people are when they start. After all, they probably go into a medical career because they want to help people not bruise the shit out of them. A seasoned tech knows though that to get the picture you’ve got to push down a bit more than skimming the surface.
After the external was complete they let me pee and return for the internal ultrasound using what I like to call the dildoscope. The tech (a man) was too polite to actually insert the scope himself and asked me to do it with the instruction to insert it “similar to a tampon but a different size.” I almost said, “Oh, so like a dildo?” but then thought better of it. It isn’t good to get on the bad side of someone who has you in a most vulnerable position. Anyway, I inserted it as instructed, and he proceeded to take pictures of things very few have ever seen. Although he said this part of the process would only take about 10 minutes it felt like an awfully long time. I’m just not used to anyone spending that much time and paying that much attention to that part of my body.
Once that was all over, I got dressed for the third time that day and went to my regularly scheduled visit with Freud, but I’ll talk about that in the Thursday Therapy post this week.
Now, a day later, I’m having (mid-cycle) bleeding to rival most periods. Also, just a bit ago, the Dr. called to tell me that several cysts were found on both ovaries during the ultrasound. I need to have a follow up ultrasound in 6-8 weeks to determine if they’ve shrunk on their own or if I will need laparoscopic surgery. The Dr. left it up to me whether I wanted to go ahead with Monday’s surgery even with the possibility of another surgery in a couple of months or if I wanted to cancel Monday’s surgery and do it in a couple of months after the follow up ultrasound so that if necessary we can do both the IUD and the laparoscopic surgery at the same time. I chose to wait. I’d rather do one surgery day rather than two.
And if things don’t start getting better, I may just suggest she yank out the whole works regardless of the fact that there is nothing cancerous going on. A woman can only take so much hoopla around her hoohah before finally screaming, “Enough is enough!!”
Tuesday dawned bright and cold. Okay, maybe it wasn’t too bright. Actually, it was pretty overcast, but somehow the blanket of snow that Ma Nature laid down the night before made things seem pretty bright. Also slick apparently because virtually all of the schools in the area were closed for the day.
Being the lucky girl that I am, I had planned a day off of work for Tuesday. I scheduled a couple of appointments for that day and thought I’d also get some errands crossed off the to do list. Surely, we wouldn’t be blanketed with snow and ice, left to battle icy winds, on my day off. Umm. . . yeah, actually we would. . . because that’s the kind of lucky girl I am.
(I know, no TMI yet. You still have time to retreat before the graphic gore begins. It is coming soon. Run while there’s still time!)
In preparation for the day’s first appointment I had taken meds the night before and again in the morning. The meds were to soften my cervix to make insertion of my brand new IUD (because, really, don’t get the used ones) easier for the Dr. and for me. They had two lovely side effects – abdominal cramps and diarrhea – that hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven’t shit so much since the night before my colonoscopy a few weeks back. Also, these meds are used sometimes to jumpstart labor. Apparently, my uterus thought that’s what we were going for here and tried it’s best to have contractions. So, you know, I was just in a really good mood as I bundled up to fight the slick roads to head off to the clinic.
I arrived at the Dr.’s office a few minutes early because I had allowed extra drive time due to the road conditions. I sat in the waiting room with all the young women with protruding bellies that heralded happier reasons for being there than I had. Eventually I was called into the office (and of course they called me by the wrong name; of course; please do not saddle your offspring with unusual and difficult to pronounce names even if the name is absolutely beautiful; please for the love of God if you learn nothing else by reading this blog learn that) where I got the bright spot of my day during the weigh in. I’ve lost seven pounds since Christmas. Woohoo!
Then came the actual procedure, the one where the Dr. was going to place the IUD. . . if only she could find the canal through which it must enter the uterus. After a small amount of difficulty (and just the smallest agony on my part resulting in sounds emitting from my voice that no person should ever hear) she inserted the probe to measure the uterus to make sure the IUD would fit. At the time I didn’t realize that was all that was happening. I thought that she was placing the IUD. I held on for dear life through the pain trying with all my might to hang in there until it was over. I breathed a deep sigh of relief when she removed her instrument of torture from my tender womb. That’s when she announced that all was ready for the IUD insertion. Are you kidding me? All that just to prepare for it? I took a deep breath and stoically prepared myself for the next onslaught on my nether regions.
After a few unsuccessful attempts she called in her nurse and asked her to bring in the ultrasound machine. Her thought was that it might be easier to locate the canal that way. It didn’t. Eventually, the Dr. gave up. It was an incredible relief at that point. I hurt about as much or more than I thought I could ever handle.
The Dr. gave me a few options. I could have her keep trying, she could call one of the other OBs in to see if they had better luck, or we could schedule an outpatient surgery for her to do a hysteroscopy along with the IUD insertion. I asked her if she thought another OB would have any better chance than she had. She said no, it would just be a matter of luck if anyone could locate the canal at that point. I chose surgery. The Dr. praised me for how well I had handled it all and assured me that I was not a wimp in any way. She left me to get dressed and regain some of my dignity.
With that she turned me over to her nurse to get me all scheduled for surgery. I signed forms and answered questions and eventually we had me scheduled for surgery next Monday at an unspecified time. (They don’t tell you the time of your surgery until the afternoon of the business day before the surgery. Seems weird to me, but then what do I know?) In the meantime, I must go through a pre-op consultation with the anesthesiologist and get a full pelvic ultrasound. Well, since I was already off work yesterday and since the lab could fit me in for the ultrasound that afternoon I took the appointment.
Of course I had to do the whole drink way too much water and then don’t pee routine for the ultrasound. Fortunately, they didn’t make me wait long for my appointment (a few years ago I had to wait over 20 minutes for a pelvic ultrasound and might’ve waited longer had I not threatened to pee on the carpet in the waiting room if they didn’t hustle up) so it wasn’t too uncomfortable. I had the pleasure of having a student perform the external part of the ultrasound. I would have suspected she was a student even if she hadn’t told me and asked my consent for her to do the procedure. Why? Well, aside from the rather large “Student” printed on her nametag, she didn’t press very hard when she was doing the ultrasound. Several times the actual tech who was supervising her had to help her and get her to push harder. I’m sure that’s how a lot of people are when they start. After all, they probably go into a medical career because they want to help people not bruise the shit out of them. A seasoned tech knows though that to get the picture you’ve got to push down a bit more than skimming the surface.
After the external was complete they let me pee and return for the internal ultrasound using what I like to call the dildoscope. The tech (a man) was too polite to actually insert the scope himself and asked me to do it with the instruction to insert it “similar to a tampon but a different size.” I almost said, “Oh, so like a dildo?” but then thought better of it. It isn’t good to get on the bad side of someone who has you in a most vulnerable position. Anyway, I inserted it as instructed, and he proceeded to take pictures of things very few have ever seen. Although he said this part of the process would only take about 10 minutes it felt like an awfully long time. I’m just not used to anyone spending that much time and paying that much attention to that part of my body.
Once that was all over, I got dressed for the third time that day and went to my regularly scheduled visit with Freud, but I’ll talk about that in the Thursday Therapy post this week.
Now, a day later, I’m having (mid-cycle) bleeding to rival most periods. Also, just a bit ago, the Dr. called to tell me that several cysts were found on both ovaries during the ultrasound. I need to have a follow up ultrasound in 6-8 weeks to determine if they’ve shrunk on their own or if I will need laparoscopic surgery. The Dr. left it up to me whether I wanted to go ahead with Monday’s surgery even with the possibility of another surgery in a couple of months or if I wanted to cancel Monday’s surgery and do it in a couple of months after the follow up ultrasound so that if necessary we can do both the IUD and the laparoscopic surgery at the same time. I chose to wait. I’d rather do one surgery day rather than two.
And if things don’t start getting better, I may just suggest she yank out the whole works regardless of the fact that there is nothing cancerous going on. A woman can only take so much hoopla around her hoohah before finally screaming, “Enough is enough!!”
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
The Big Game
Wow. Just wow. That’s the only way I can describe this past weekend. It was a whirlwind of activity, chock full of fun events, a few obligations, a couple of annoyances and even a little time for a Sunday afternoon nap.
N and I woke up bright and early on Saturday morning knowing we had a big day ahead. We dressed in our finest (aka most outrageous) Illini outfits. We headed off down the slick, slippery roads to get bagels and hot beverages to help us stand outside the Assembly Hall while we waited for the doors to open for the ESPN Game Day hoopla. When we arrived at 7:30 a.m. (doors were scheduled to open at 8:00 a.m.) there was already a line. Actually, there were already several lines, one at each of several entrances. We chose what looked to be the shortest, and nearest, line. We stood. We ate. We shivered. We drank. We chuckled at the outfits of some other fans. We shivered. We booed when a small Spartan fan contingent got in line. We shivered some more. We chanted with the rest of the crowd, “Let us in! Let us in!” We shivered.
Finally, the doors opened wide, and we made our way into the Assembly Hall. N, me and some 4,100of our closest friends other Illini fans all rushed in to get the good seats. Not that we would spend much time sitting in our seats, mind you, at least not once Digger came out to get the crowd warmed up. We made our way to B section, not too far away from the guy in a chicken suit wearing an Illini basketball uniform.
N made it onto national TV, only for a second or two though so he’s got plenty of time left on his life’s 15 minutes of fame. If you happened to watch ESPN Game Day last Saturday morning and happened to notice a young kid in a fuzzy orange hat smack dab in the middle of your screen for a moment then you saw N. If you missed it, I have it recorded so drop by sometime, and we’ll be happy to show you. And me? Well, let’s just say if you look really hard at some of the wide shots of the whole crowd that was me about two thirds of the way up, a little right of center. Surely you saw me. The one in the orange shirt? Yeah, that was me.
Now, you’d think that being part of ESPN’s Game Day would be the highlight of the day, right? Well, not even close. We’d only just begun. The afternoon held more fun for the family. N’s school had a fine arts festival, and after that N had a basketball game. W got the pleasure (okay, so I practically had to force him to do it, but dang it I can’t be made to do every damn thing involving N) of attending these two events as I stayed home nursing my cold and resting up for Saturday night. N had a great time both at the festival and his game.
Finally, the best part of the day arrived – Saturday night – the big game – the thing everyone was abuzz over – that magical moment – Illini Basketball. The Illini took on the then #5 (now just #10) Spartans. Now Spartan fans (and I know there's at least one who'll read this) will probably whine and tell you they would’ve won had one of their best players not been out with an injury. I’ll tell you that the Illini nation wasn’t about to let the Spartans come into our territory, with Dickie V, Digger, Jay and company in the house, and beat us. No way. No how. My boys played their hearts out. They fought back every time the Spartans made a run at it. The Illini absolutely were not going to let the Spartans get the best of them. Saturday night’s game was one of the best live games I’ve attended. I had an absolutely awesome time. . . Awesome!!
I was wound up by the time I got home from the game. I even watched a bit of the game (well, of course I recorded the game even though I was there) on TV just to help me settle down. I also did a bit of prep, but not as much as I should have, for Sunday School and church.
Sunday morning I was up early because I had to finish preparing for church. I was liturgist so I could hardly show up ill prepared. I was hoarse from the combination of cheering the day before and my cold. At church, I facilitated the Sunday School class I'm leading then helped with worship.
I was planning on attending the women's basketball game Sunday afternoon, but it all finally caught up with me. I napped. I napped really, really well from about 2:00 - 5:00 p.m. I would've napped some more, but I was afraid I wouldn't sleep that night if I did.
Oh, and I hear there was some sort of little football game Sunday evening. Honestly? I was too tuckered out to pay much attention.
N and I woke up bright and early on Saturday morning knowing we had a big day ahead. We dressed in our finest (aka most outrageous) Illini outfits. We headed off down the slick, slippery roads to get bagels and hot beverages to help us stand outside the Assembly Hall while we waited for the doors to open for the ESPN Game Day hoopla. When we arrived at 7:30 a.m. (doors were scheduled to open at 8:00 a.m.) there was already a line. Actually, there were already several lines, one at each of several entrances. We chose what looked to be the shortest, and nearest, line. We stood. We ate. We shivered. We drank. We chuckled at the outfits of some other fans. We shivered. We booed when a small Spartan fan contingent got in line. We shivered some more. We chanted with the rest of the crowd, “Let us in! Let us in!” We shivered.
Finally, the doors opened wide, and we made our way into the Assembly Hall. N, me and some 4,100
N made it onto national TV, only for a second or two though so he’s got plenty of time left on his life’s 15 minutes of fame. If you happened to watch ESPN Game Day last Saturday morning and happened to notice a young kid in a fuzzy orange hat smack dab in the middle of your screen for a moment then you saw N. If you missed it, I have it recorded so drop by sometime, and we’ll be happy to show you. And me? Well, let’s just say if you look really hard at some of the wide shots of the whole crowd that was me about two thirds of the way up, a little right of center. Surely you saw me. The one in the orange shirt? Yeah, that was me.
Now, you’d think that being part of ESPN’s Game Day would be the highlight of the day, right? Well, not even close. We’d only just begun. The afternoon held more fun for the family. N’s school had a fine arts festival, and after that N had a basketball game. W got the pleasure (okay, so I practically had to force him to do it, but dang it I can’t be made to do every damn thing involving N) of attending these two events as I stayed home nursing my cold and resting up for Saturday night. N had a great time both at the festival and his game.
Finally, the best part of the day arrived – Saturday night – the big game – the thing everyone was abuzz over – that magical moment – Illini Basketball. The Illini took on the then #5 (now just #10) Spartans. Now Spartan fans (and I know there's at least one who'll read this) will probably whine and tell you they would’ve won had one of their best players not been out with an injury. I’ll tell you that the Illini nation wasn’t about to let the Spartans come into our territory, with Dickie V, Digger, Jay and company in the house, and beat us. No way. No how. My boys played their hearts out. They fought back every time the Spartans made a run at it. The Illini absolutely were not going to let the Spartans get the best of them. Saturday night’s game was one of the best live games I’ve attended. I had an absolutely awesome time. . . Awesome!!
I was wound up by the time I got home from the game. I even watched a bit of the game (well, of course I recorded the game even though I was there) on TV just to help me settle down. I also did a bit of prep, but not as much as I should have, for Sunday School and church.
Sunday morning I was up early because I had to finish preparing for church. I was liturgist so I could hardly show up ill prepared. I was hoarse from the combination of cheering the day before and my cold. At church, I facilitated the Sunday School class I'm leading then helped with worship.
I was planning on attending the women's basketball game Sunday afternoon, but it all finally caught up with me. I napped. I napped really, really well from about 2:00 - 5:00 p.m. I would've napped some more, but I was afraid I wouldn't sleep that night if I did.
Oh, and I hear there was some sort of little football game Sunday evening. Honestly? I was too tuckered out to pay much attention.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Sunday Stealing: The Pretentious Blogging Meme 2
A continuation of the Sunday Stealing meme from last week
12. How many drafts of potential blog posts do you have right now? Not many at all. I think I may have a couple, but generally if it’s a thought that makes it into words on the screen it gets published right away for better or worse.
13. In what medium do you draft your posts? Often in a Word document. Occasionally I just write right there in Blogger.
14. How often do you completely scratch or delete drafts or blog post ideas? Very rarely. It happens, but probably not more than once every couple of months.
15. If you had to leave your blog in your will to another blogger, who would you choose? That’s tough. I can’t imagine anyone would want it. I’d like to think though that it would stay out there in the ethereal world of the interwebs and that someone would put up a final post about my demise and wax poetically about me. I guess I’d leave it to JeniAngel only because she’s way younger than I so she’s the one most likely to still be living after I’m gone. ‘Cause you know, I’m going to live to be at least 90 so even she’ll be practically 70 by the time I’m gone.
16. Are there other blogs that you feel are similar to yours in content, style, or voice? Not really. I like to think I’m one of a kind. :-)
17. Has anything surprised you since you started blogging? That anyone actually reads my blog, and even more surprising that some people actually care what happens to me.
18. What are your goals or plans for your blog going forward? Just keep on keepin’ on. . .
19. Do you make any money from your blog? (optional) about how much a month? Are you f***ing kidding me?!? I make nada, zilch, zero, nuttin’. Truthfully, I can’t imagine having it any other way. Too much pressure to actually write something useful and of interest if I was being paid.
20. What blogging system do you use? Blogger.
21. How did you come up with your blog name? Because when I started I was writing about things that were probably the worst thoughts I have ever had and the worst things I’ve ever done. I’ve grown since then, but the blog name still resonates with me because I try not to sugar coat things that I write.
22. How many blogs do you have? What was your peak? Currently, I’m at my peak. I have three. I have this one which is my most public anonymous one. I have a private one where I share things only with people I’ve invited to read, a little inner circle shall we say. It’s where I “take out the trash.” Just recently I’ve started a third one, right out in the open as the IRL me. It is in its infancy, and I’m not quite sure where I’ll go with it.
23. Are you having as much fun as when you started? More. I have found the whole writing experience to be quite cathartic, and blogging suits me because it is available to me anytime and anywhere I have internet access.
24. Where do you find other bloggers like you? Mostly they find me it seems. However, I do find some through links on other blogs I read, and more recently on Twitter.
25. What’s your one wish when it comes to blogging? That all my bloggy friends don’t fade away. My heart skips a beat every time one of my favorite bloggers contemplates closing up shop. Bleah. . .
12. How many drafts of potential blog posts do you have right now? Not many at all. I think I may have a couple, but generally if it’s a thought that makes it into words on the screen it gets published right away for better or worse.
13. In what medium do you draft your posts? Often in a Word document. Occasionally I just write right there in Blogger.
14. How often do you completely scratch or delete drafts or blog post ideas? Very rarely. It happens, but probably not more than once every couple of months.
15. If you had to leave your blog in your will to another blogger, who would you choose? That’s tough. I can’t imagine anyone would want it. I’d like to think though that it would stay out there in the ethereal world of the interwebs and that someone would put up a final post about my demise and wax poetically about me. I guess I’d leave it to JeniAngel only because she’s way younger than I so she’s the one most likely to still be living after I’m gone. ‘Cause you know, I’m going to live to be at least 90 so even she’ll be practically 70 by the time I’m gone.
16. Are there other blogs that you feel are similar to yours in content, style, or voice? Not really. I like to think I’m one of a kind. :-)
17. Has anything surprised you since you started blogging? That anyone actually reads my blog, and even more surprising that some people actually care what happens to me.
18. What are your goals or plans for your blog going forward? Just keep on keepin’ on. . .
19. Do you make any money from your blog? (optional) about how much a month? Are you f***ing kidding me?!? I make nada, zilch, zero, nuttin’. Truthfully, I can’t imagine having it any other way. Too much pressure to actually write something useful and of interest if I was being paid.
20. What blogging system do you use? Blogger.
21. How did you come up with your blog name? Because when I started I was writing about things that were probably the worst thoughts I have ever had and the worst things I’ve ever done. I’ve grown since then, but the blog name still resonates with me because I try not to sugar coat things that I write.
22. How many blogs do you have? What was your peak? Currently, I’m at my peak. I have three. I have this one which is my most public anonymous one. I have a private one where I share things only with people I’ve invited to read, a little inner circle shall we say. It’s where I “take out the trash.” Just recently I’ve started a third one, right out in the open as the IRL me. It is in its infancy, and I’m not quite sure where I’ll go with it.
23. Are you having as much fun as when you started? More. I have found the whole writing experience to be quite cathartic, and blogging suits me because it is available to me anytime and anywhere I have internet access.
24. Where do you find other bloggers like you? Mostly they find me it seems. However, I do find some through links on other blogs I read, and more recently on Twitter.
25. What’s your one wish when it comes to blogging? That all my bloggy friends don’t fade away. My heart skips a beat every time one of my favorite bloggers contemplates closing up shop. Bleah. . .
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Thursday Therapy
What follows is a rambling disjointed post that barely makes sense. Deal with it. It is an accurate reflection of my brain's workings (or how it's not working) today. I blame it on the cold I caught from N.
I'm not too sure what to write this week for this post. I am feeling somewhat calm and good and in a place where I am comfortable with myself. Now, I wouldn't expect that to last long, being the eternal pessimist. However, I am trying to grasp this upbeat mood and hang on to it.
Of course, I will still talk to Freud next Tuesday about how to deal with W and his stuff. Also, I want to develop a strategy for dealing with that holiday that's coming the second weekend of February.
I think I'll address one of the comments from my last post here. One commenter said:
There are definitely parts of the marriage covenant that are not being upheld on my part. Most definitely. I don't deny that for a moment. I'm not proud of that fact, but I do acknowledge it.
However, when it comes to upholding my commitment I stand by my decision. Even though I know some people, including the commenter above, disagree with my decision that won't change my mind. That's okay. No matter what I do someone will think I've made the wrong decision. While it would be nice for everyone to approve of my decisions and actions, that will never happen. That's just not how things work. Life is messy, and sometimes there's just not a paper towel big enough to clean it all up. Sometimes you just accept the mess and step around it.
On the other hand, as Freud works with me through my issues I could very well change my mind, decide to boot W's butt out the door for good and move on. I don't know what the future holds. I just know that for now I am at peace with the decision to see this thing through. As long as I'm at peace with it that's what matters to me.
I'm not too sure what to write this week for this post. I am feeling somewhat calm and good and in a place where I am comfortable with myself. Now, I wouldn't expect that to last long, being the eternal pessimist. However, I am trying to grasp this upbeat mood and hang on to it.
Of course, I will still talk to Freud next Tuesday about how to deal with W and his stuff. Also, I want to develop a strategy for dealing with that holiday that's coming the second weekend of February.
I think I'll address one of the comments from my last post here. One commenter said:
But you aren't really seeing through that commitment. And I'm not saying you should. But barely tolerating someone's presence is a far cry from a real commitment to marriage.
Seems to me it would be better to kick the guy out and live your life fully then pretend you're satisfying some covenant you aren't really holding to.
There are definitely parts of the marriage covenant that are not being upheld on my part. Most definitely. I don't deny that for a moment. I'm not proud of that fact, but I do acknowledge it.
However, when it comes to upholding my commitment I stand by my decision. Even though I know some people, including the commenter above, disagree with my decision that won't change my mind. That's okay. No matter what I do someone will think I've made the wrong decision. While it would be nice for everyone to approve of my decisions and actions, that will never happen. That's just not how things work. Life is messy, and sometimes there's just not a paper towel big enough to clean it all up. Sometimes you just accept the mess and step around it.
On the other hand, as Freud works with me through my issues I could very well change my mind, decide to boot W's butt out the door for good and move on. I don't know what the future holds. I just know that for now I am at peace with the decision to see this thing through. As long as I'm at peace with it that's what matters to me.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Groundhog Day Forecast: Cloudy with Perhaps a Ray of Sun
Today’s post is presented in Herb Caen three dot journalistic fashion. For those clueless to the meaning of that (I suspect just about anyone who hasn’t spent time in the Bay Area) click on the link. Herb Caen was an icon. I never missed a column of his the entire time I lived in Northern CA. My version of three dot journalism pales in comparison to his. But it’s more fun than doing just a regular ole’ bullet point list. So there.
* * *
N has a nasty bronchial virus. He is one miserable boy. We’ve spent lots of time in a warm, steamy bathroom the last few days trying to make breathing a little easier. He stayed home from school yesterday and again today. Mind you, he doesn’t mind missing school, but he was quite upset that he might miss a pizza party his class is having. You see, N earned that pizza party for his class by completing a challenge from his teacher. The challenge? Turn in every single assignment for one whole week. Now you and I both know that shouldn’t be a big deal. That’s just what you do, turn in your assignments. However, it has been an ongoing struggle with N, and he swore there was no possible way he could ever turn in everything for a whole week. Well, he did. Therefore, a pizza party at the teacher’s expense is the reward. Of course the teacher is going to wait until N returns to school before having the pizza party, but N was worried enough about it that I spoke to his teacher yesterday to confirm it. Now all is well. N can rest and recuperate in peace knowing that pizza will not be had without him.* * *
W continues to go through life completely clueless. He is so clueless about so many things. He just goes through life with blinders on, refusing to look at anything he doesn’t want to see, refusing to acknowledge anything that may be different than his perception. It is clear to me that he is completely 100% clueless that I am barely tolerating his presence at home. He doesn’t seem to get that in spite of my trying to be cordial and not ice cold to him at all times that doesn’t mean that I’m all head over heels in love with him. He’s convinced himself that ours is a love that is stronger than all the troubles we’ve had. What is actually stronger than all our troubles is my ability to tolerate less than tolerable situations. While some may see me as weak because I have let him back in the house I see myself as strong, strong enough to tolerate, strong enough to bide my time, strong enough to see through a commitment made years ago when I didn’t have a clue where that commitment would take me. * * *
Related to W’s cluelessness, I am somewhat dreading that awful holiday that falls in the middle of the second month of the year. I dread it because I anticipate that W will try to do something special for me to show me how much he loves me. Ick. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn.* * *
Church work is consuming more of my time lately, and I love it! I think it’s really good to spend my time involved in spiritual things. I find it to be very nourishing to my soul. After facilitating an adult bible study lately I am feeling ever so much more plugged into my church community. For the upcoming year (and probably two) I will be working heavily in the adult education ministry of our church. This is absolutely a brand new area for me and not one that I would have ever actively sought out on my own as a ministry for myself. However, God knows better than we sometimes (Just sometimes? Okay, so leave the sometimes out of that statement.) so that’s where I am and feeling optimistic and enthusiastic about it. I think that if BJ and I were still together I probably would not have opened myself to this kind of role as I would have feared it would take time away from “us” since he was not an enthusiastic church person.* * *
I am so much better off without BJ in my life. Yes, I know you knew that. It’s just that it took me, as usual, a bit of time to catch up. He dragged me down in ways that I refused to acknowledge for a very long time. I have spent a lot of time thinking about our relationship lately, but not in missing it like I did for a while. I have been thinking about a lot of the negatives that were there, and there were a lot of negatives. He was, once again, a project for me. He was a lost sheep for me to save. The problem though is that I am not a shepherd. It is not my job to save lost sheep, and I am not good at it anyway. It is not what I need to do. When I met him he was a lost sheep, and when we parted ways he was still a lost sheep. I am somewhat sorry our paths crossed but not a whole lot. I learned some things about myself from my relationship with BJ. I also learned a few things about the standards by which the next man will have to measure up to be allowed into my life in the way I allowed BJ into my life. I truly wish BJ well and hope that someday he finds the thing(s) that elude him in his life. It saddens me that I will probably never know how his life is going because I do care about him, but that’s up to him.* * *
Growth is not always at the pace we desire. Sometimes it comes awfully slowly and with many fits and starts. I feel deeply that I have come through a period of tremendous growth in the last few years. It has been painful, as growth often is. It isn’t over by any means. I’ve still got miles and miles to go to be “right in the head,” but I think I’m finally pointed in the right direction. I think we’ve finally got the right combo of meds to help me stay out of the black hole, at least most of the time. I am learning techniques to use to pull me away from the black hole when I feel myself being lured back. I feel good with where I am and what I’m doing for the most part. Life isn’t quite as bleak as it has been. There are still clouds but more whitish and not so black and gray. You know, if I’m not careful I might just see a ray of sunshine amidst the clouds.
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