Why Life Sucks

Wouldn't you just know it? About the time I get sort of comfy somewhere along comes the big surprise. And the surprise is never good. The surprise always sucks the air right out of ya'.

Recently it was announced that my employer has lost its largest contract. This will mean layoffs. No details have yet been announced. But hec, I can put the pieces together and see that my position is in seriopus jeapordy given that at my level I have least seniority.

So hooray for me. Almost 50 and almost unemployed.

At least I'll have more time for blogging if I lose my job. Right?

Looking Back. . . and Ahead

Found this meme and wanted to do it. I think I’ve already done it once in the past (as in a couple of years ago), but that’s okay. Since it is time based it will be new and different even if I did do it before.

Looking Back
Ten seconds ago I was sorting through old files on my ‘puter.
Ten minutes ago I was sorting through old files on my ‘puter. (Yes, it is taking a while, particularly as I get sidetracked by stuff like this.)
Ten hours ago I was watching a rerun of Criminal Minds since I couldn’t fall asleep.
Ten days ago I was working like mad on gathering data for a Federally mandated report.
Ten weeks ago I was sending the following email to J:
Ten seconds from now I will be publishing this on my blog.

J,
Well, here I thought you’d fallen off the face of the earth. I didn’t want to bother you since the last time we got together you seemed to be feeling like we ought not be spending time together. I miss you like crazy too. Although wishing won’t make it so I do wish things were different for us.
N’s doing pretty well. He’s in middle school now which was a big change from elementary school. He’s pretty much the bright spot in my life. W is still living in the house. We also have another housemate – a woman from church who needed an inexpensive place to live. I charge her minimal rent, and she helps out a lot with things around the house and yard so what she doesn’t contribute in money she contributes in effort, which is more than I can say for W unfortunately. I’m lucky to get any $$ from him for anything as pretty much all that he has goes towards his massive credit card debts plus he is pretty much worthless when it comes to housework or yardwork.
But enough complaining. I just take things as they come, day by day. I’m getting more involved in church leadership, heading up the worship committee and planning to participate in a mission trip (not far, just to inner city Chicago) in June. I find that the more involved I am with church and my spiritual life the better contented I am even when things aren’t all going my way. I’m planning a big birthday party for April 30, and you and your wife are invited. There’s nothing wrong with attending a birthday party for an old (very old now) girlfriend you know, and I certainly won’t let on that we are anything more than that.
Sorry that 2010 sucked for you. Hope 2011 is better.
Come up with a day and time for us to meet up and I would be glad to. There are just a few days that wouldn’t work, mostly the days when the women’s choir I belong to has performances. Otherwise, I can make my schedule flex around things, even if it means taking a day off of work.
Love,
TS

Ten months ago I was getting ready to chaperone N’s fifth grade trip to Chicago, helping with the planning for his fifth grade graduation, and trying to be the best soccer mom I could be.
Ten years ago I was still living in California blissfully unaware that the company I worked for would go bankrupt a couple of years later and change the course of my life.

Looking Ahead
Ten years from now I will be living on my own without a husband to take care of (I’m assuming, based on very recent events that I may share on my blog soon, that he will either be deceased or at least in a nursing home by then) and with a grown son out on his own (I hope at 22 he’s out on his own although I know there is no guarantee of that).
Ten months from now I will be in the dead of winter grousing about the snow and the cold and wishing for spring to arrive sooner than later.
Ten weeks from now I will be celebrating Memorial Day.
Ten days from now I will be looking forward to payday the next day.
Ten hours from now I will be catching up on some of the shows on my DVR that sat unwatched over the weekend due to the NCAA tournament.
Ten minutes from now I will be working on finishing up my monthly reports.

Less Than Royal

Have you seen The King’s Speech? If so, then perhaps you remember the scene where Lionel, the speech therapist, is meeting with the King and encourages him to swear thus:

King George VI: All that work down the drain. My own brother, I couldn't say a single word to him in reply.
Lionel Logue: Why do you stammer so much more with David than you ever do with me?
King George VI: 'Cos you're b... bloody well paid to listen.
Lionel Logue: Bertie, I'm not a geisha girl.
King George VI: St... stop trying to be so bloody clever.
Lionel Logue: What is it about David that stops you speaking?
King George VI: What is it about you that bloody well makes you want to go on about it the whole bloody time?
Lionel Logue: Vulgar, but fluent; you don't stammer when you swear.
King George VI: Oh, bugger orf!
Lionel Logue: Is that the best you can do?
King George VI: Well... bloody bugger to you, you beastly bastard.
Lionel Logue: Oh, a public school prig could do better than that.
King George VI: Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Lionel Logue: Yes!
King George VI: Shit!
Lionel Logue: Defecation flows trippingly from the tongue!
King George VI: Because I'm angry!
Lionel Logue: Do you know the f-word?
King George VI: F... f... fornication?
Lionel Logue: Oh, Bertie.
King George VI: Fuck. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck! Fuck, fuck and bugger! Bugger, bugger, buggerty buggerty buggerty, fuck, fuck, arse!
Lionel Logue: Yes...
King George VI: Balls, balls...
Lionel Logue: ...you see, not a hesitation!
King George VI: ...fuckity, shit, shit, fuck and willy. Willy, shit and fuck and... tits.

That, my friends, sums up how I’m feeling lately.

Fuck, fuck, buggerty, bugger, shit, shit, shit, shit. . .

And please have a nice day and come again soon. :-)

Sshhhhh. . .It's a secreti

I'm going to share a secret with you here.

I'm starting Weight Watchers again.

It's a secret because I don't want anyone to know because I don't want anyone turning into the food police on me. I don't want people commenting on what I do or don't eat. I don't want people to comment on or even notice that I'm losing weight.

All I want to do is focus on eating healthier and in a more deliberate way. I do not want to focus on my weight. Every time I focus on my weight I fuck it all up because I get very resentful that weight seems to be so much more important than health. I hate that people treat me differently when I weigh less. Because people do that I distrust people whom I meet when I weigh less. I assume they treat me nicely because I am not horribly obese. The only people I trust are those who know me fat and like me fat. Then I know they like me for me and that it doesn't have a weight limit. People who like me now are true friends. People who know me but only want to befriend me once I've lost weight can kiss me big bubble butt.

Chip on my shoulder? Yep. You bet.

Maybe I Don’t Want Your Face in my Book

I may or may not be on certain social networking sites. Well, okay, obviously I’m on Facebook as is alluded to in the previous post. Facebook is a great (note sarcasm) way of staying in touch with those who are, or were, important to you. Oh yes, I’m friends with all sorts of people from my past and present – J, BJ, W, my first love (who I may have to give an initial to if I keep talking about him), not to mention a host of church friends and old high school friends, and even a relative or two.

As someone who is used to hiding behind the persona of Trueself (TS) both here and on Twitter, it is a bit unnerving to be on Facebook with real live people from my real live life. I am used to my virtual life being, for the most part, separate and distinct from my real life. There are some exceptions where I’ve allowed some people from my virtual life into my real life. There have been no exceptions where I’ve let anyone from my real life into my virtual life. So to state the obvious there has only been a one way exchange between virtual and real. If you can stand me in my virtual life then it is pretty obvious to me you can stand me in real life. It doesn’t necessarily hold true the other way.

Wait, that last paragraph kind of went askew from what I really wanted to talk about here today. What I started to say, but then didn’t, is that as someone who lived online incognito for a long time it has taken some getting used to being my real self (vs my true self, heh, heh) online when on Facebook. Sometimes I post something that as TS I could say without a second thought. Then I realize, OOOPS, this is IRL me not TrueSelf me, and I go back and delete the posting. I’m getting better at catching myself before actually posting those types of things, but it still happens rarely.

Once again, that last paragraph sort of went where I wanted it to but not quite.  I'm still skirting around the issue of the day (or actually of yesterday since I had to stop writing smack in the middle of this post and come back to it) because, well, because it means admitting I've done something stupid.  Not that there is anything novel in that.  I do stupid things all the time and post them on here.  I just somehow feel extra stupid on this one.  This one is all about taking chances and putting blinders on to the fact that I'm taking chances.

 

Okay, so this is totally and completely my fault and my responsibility.  Oh sure, J may hold some culpability also, but I am willing to own my share of the blame here.  On Monday I sent a V-word message to J via Facebook. I told him Happy V-word Day and how much I love and miss him. I didn’t post it to his wall or anything.  I sent it as a message to him.  He and I have exchanged messages before in that same way.  Also, yesterday I replied to an email he had sent me on Sunday.  In it I asked him about firming up plans to get together sometime in the fairly near future.  Although no specific activities were mentioned one might have been able to read between the lines and get the idea that perhaps some intimacy would be involved if one were so inclined to read it that way.

A couple of hours after yesterday’s email was sent I got a friend request on Facebook. . . a friend request from, of all people who have Facebook accounts in the world, J’s current wife. There was no accompanying message, just a simple friend request.


Now, I very well may be overreacting (Who? Me? Overreact? Surely you jest!), but my first thought went to her having seen my Facebook message and/or email message to J. I wove a scenario in my head that he left his computer vulnerable (not signed out of Facebook and/or email maybe) and that she, being that she is unemployed and with plenty of time on her hands according to J, had been looking at his stuff, found my messages and now wanted to friend me to check me out before deciding on a course of action, which would probably in the future include doing things (well deserved things I might add) to ruin my life.

I’m sure what little color I have (palest human on earth, remember?) drained from my face as I ruminated on what I’m certain will befall me soon. I envision nastiness about me being posted on Facebook by her. I envision her making her best efforts to cause me discomfort with my family, friends, and colleagues, all of whom could easily read any postings she might put up on my Facebook wall. I envision me being mortified over the whole thing and losing the respect of many, many people who mean a great deal to me.

I tell you all of this as a cautionary tale. Don’t be stupid. Of course, there is plenty of stupid to go around. We see politicians and celebrities wallow in stupid all the freakin’ time. We watch as their lives implode quite publicly when they get caught up in these sorts of things. They suffer from nationwide and even worldwide embarrassment and humiliation. At least for me if it comes to it mine will be of a much smaller scope, and maybe I won’t have to resign or hold a press conference to apologize or go to rehab for my supposed sex addiction. Yet it could still be ugly – very, very ugly – and hurtful to me and those close to me, and it would be all my fault. So don’t do it. Don’t be stupid. Don’t take for granted what you have and what you don’t want to lose. Don’t risk it for stupid.

Even if nothing comes of this. . . Even if she just sent a friend request because she likes to friend all of J’s Facebook friends. . . Even if this ends up being no big deal. . . Even if. . . Then I lucked out, and I still need to heed my cautionary tale. I need to step back and reevaluate and decide how much I am willing to risk for stupid.

In the meantime, I’m still contemplating whether to accept or decline her friend request.

Creating Something from Nothing

Okay, so if you have read much of this blog you pretty well know that I can blow a little thing way the freaking heck out of proportion. It’s what I do. It’s how I survive the boring, humdrum life that I have. I rant and ramble about one man or another constantly and how they are total scum and unworthy of fabulous me, and then I turn right around and completely throw myself at them with oh how much I love them and need them and yada, yada, yada. Well, you know the drill if you’ve been here a while, and if you haven’t well then be grateful that I just gave you the Cliff Notes version (Do people still use Cliff Notes? I don’t know because it has been an awfully long time since I was forced to take a test on a book I had no desire to read.) so that you don’t have to wander back through the annals of this blog to see it for yourself. (Although if you want to see it for yourself it is a bit like a train wreck – horrifying and yet somehow you just can’t look away – so be warned and head on back into the deepest darkest archives.)

And just as an aside from the main point of this post (which we’ll get to in a bit so just hang on with me here), notice that in spite of my unfailing claims to being bi I am constantly and forever obsessing over men. Rarely do I have real world relationships of a certain kind with women. It is not that I am at all against them. It is not that I don’t have female objects of my affection. It’s just that I am absolutely horridly clumsy in my approach to the same gender. I have darned near come to the conclusion that women just aren’t worth the trouble, and men are just so darned easy. (Sorry men if that offends you, but really, you do tend to think a lot below the belt instead of above, and it does make you pretty easy pickin’s. Women on the other hand are a difficult bunch of bitches. How straight men without oodles of money ever find a woman is beyond me. I fist bump you for your prowess poor but honorable men with good women.)

But back to the story at hand, ahem, what was it again? Oh yes. The dastardly V-word has jumped up and slapped me upside the head with something (which is probably totally and completely nothing at all) from left field. A boyfriend from high school, the very first boy I ever loved (no not J, he was the second boy I ever loved, but if you want to know more about this one go here) posted a message on my Facebook page this morning. It was a simple message really, just “Happy V-word Day to my first kiss!” (Only he used the real V-word, not “V-word”, got it?)

My first instinct was to comment back with some sort of witty sarcastic reply. I paused though and chose instead to post a simple “Thank you!” back. Throughout the day the thought that I should have tacked on a “Happy V-word Day to you too!” or perhaps “Happy V-word Day to my first love!” or some such thing ran through my head. But I didn’t because once the original thanks was out there it seemed too much to go back to post a second thing, that it might make me look [insert derogatory word of choice here, such as needy, pathetic, or stupid just to name a few to get you started].

So now I turn to you, wise and wonderful invisible internet friends. What do you think? Is this an opening gambit by him to me? Was this just a totally and completely innocent post by him to a friend? (BTW, I went to his Facebook page and saw that he only posted on one other person’s wall in the last 24 hours and that it was completely unrelated to V-word Day so it wasn’t like he was going around posting V-word Day greetings on lots of friends’ pages.) Do I go anywhere else with this, like sending out a feeler of some sort to him to test the waters of whether there is something more there? Do I just count it as one of those random things that means absolutely nothing? Why, dear readers, did he post this thing to me? Why, oh why, did he stir me up so?

Why? Why? Why?

Oh how I hate V-word Day.

Random Weirdness in My Brain

• Do you ever find yourself really pissed off when the computer tells you the password you entered is wrong? I do. I think to myself, “Look here, you stupid effing computer. I’m the one that made up that password. I know that password. Who are you to be telling me it’s wrong?” Then I enter it again, this time with no typos, and I realize that my anger may have been somewhat misplaced and perhaps just a tiny bit exaggerated for the situation.
• Snow is totally and completely nasty awful stuff. Do NOT in the comments tell me how much you like snow. Anyone who tells me how much they like snow is liable to get a big old dump truck full of the gray slushy mess from the edge of my street dumped in their front lawn. You’re welcome.
• I have discovered the absolutely all time best blog ever at Hyperbole and a Half. Seriously, you must go and read the blog from the beginning. It is awesome. I’m only to the early part of 2010 so far (after reading a few current entries I had to go start at the beginning and work forward due to its enormous awesomeness), but trust me it is well worth reading. Go! Read! But only after you finish reading my poor measly excuse for a blog entry here.
• I am particularly not looking forward to the dreaded V-word this year. No, I do not want to be your V-word nor is there anyone I wish to ask to be my V-word. And yes, I do find it necessary to call it the V-word. It is offensive to me, every bit as offensive as some of those other letter-words out there.
• While at lunch today, a fairly tall man (maybe 6’4” or so) walked past me, and I had a visceral reaction to him that surprised me. I never realized just how physically attracted I am to really tall guys in general, but as I thought about it I realized that I am. I am really attracted to tall guys, and by tall I mean somewhere around 6’2” and taller. Tall guys are just really very physically attractive and provoke something of a physical response in me that tells me my inner self thinks tall guys would be great with whom to procreate. No wonder I like basketball so much. It’s such a stimulating game.
• I’m pretty sure this blog entry could win the award for most superlatives ever used in one blog entry. Maybe not, but I’m pretty sure.
• Now that I’m in charge of a major committee at my church (yeah, just happened in the last few weeks) I’m feeling a little less on-the-outside-looking-in than I have in the past, particularly since it was not a position I sought but rather one for which the pastor recommended me. She thought I would do well because it is an area where she could see that I have a passion, and I agree with her!
• W will be going into the hospital again in a little more than a week for another surgery. This one is not major and is for a niggling problem that has been there for a couple of years, but the surgeon didn’t want to operate until he (W not the surgeon) was in better health. Now he is in his best health in years so it’s time to take care of this issue. I’m not saying what it is because I don’t him to go Googling the issue and finding this. Anyway, he’ll be in the hospital for a few days, and I will have the house to myself (well, except N and TS2 will be there; maybe if I chloroform them, tie them up, and stick them in the little closet under the stairs for those few days. No? Not a good idea? Really? Darn. I’m really pretty much in one of my anti-social moods right now. Can you tell?).
• My birthday is only a little more than two months away. I’m working on the plans for the party. Are any of my blogger buddies coming? I’m holding it in Champaign, IL, exact venue still to be determined (my budget and I are not exactly in agreement at this point), but I’ve narrowed it down to a handful of possibilities. It’s the same weekend as the IL Marathon in case that’s something you’re interested in. You could totally run the marathon (or half marathon) earlier in the day then party all night with me! (Which of course made me starting singing this song in my head – “I wanna rock and roll all night. . . and party every day!” – which then led me to thinking how sad it is that Guitar Hero is no more and how 500 people are losing their jobs just because of that and how can one video game result in employment for 500 people? Yeah, that’s indicative of the random meanderings my mind is doing this afternoon. It isn’t pretty.)
• And what would a winter post be without a mention of my beloved Illini?  Yes, they are still beloved in spite of their erratic performance through the season.  When they are on, they are unbeatable.  When they are off, a good high school team could beat them.  Unfortunately, you just never know which team you're going to get for any given game.  If it weren't for the possibility of incarceration for being a scary and threatening stalker, I might just head down to Ubben for practice and try to knock some sense into them.  (Of course, they're all so tall they would probably just charm me right out of frustration and anger in no time and I'd be all nicey nice to them and that wouldn't accomplish anything and so I guess it's better if I just stay home and mind my own business.)
• In addition to winning Most Superlatives I believe this post is also eligible for Most Run On Sentences, and an honorable mention for Best Use of Parentheses in a Blog Post.  I'm truly honored to be recognized for so many fine achievements.

Short Post

I guarantee this will be a short post because I'm creating it on my phone. I hate typing with my thumbs on this little tiny keyboard. Apologies in advance for typos that may occur due to my lack of thunb coordination.

Life rolls on. W remains W. N remains a 12 yr old boy with all that entails. TS2 remains untouchableand unaware of my feelings even though that gets difficult as she admires one woman or another. Sigh. . . J recently emailed me, first time in many months, maybe even a year. I don't suppose either of us will ever get over the other completely. Somehow I think there is an unbreakable connection there. BJ and I spoke for a while a couple of months ago. But then he fell off the face of the earth apparently. M occasionally texts me. So many men, so little relationship.

Church is good. A haven. I suppose that is what church should be. I agreed to head up a major committee this year. Hopefully that won't dampen my enthusiasm for church as only behind the scenes involvement can.

Work is work. Boss is still clueless. Love when he forces himself to chitchat with me in an effort to inspire a more teamlike atmosphere. (Note heavy sarcasm)

My typing ability has hit the wall. More update later from. A real keyboard.

Game, Set, No Match

(I know, I know. Try not to fall over. Two posts in three days. It's almost enough to scare a person. Maybe I'm getting my groove back.)

Thought I would answer a question from the comments on the last post. Whatever happened with the woman, TS2, who moved into the house?

TS2 is a part of the family now. She moved in the fall and quickly fell into the routine of the household. It took me a bit to get used to having an extra person around, particularly a talkative person. Apparently, I’m used to being the talkative one in the household and felt the sting of competition at a certain level. Yes, I know how shallow that sounds, and it is shallow I suppose. However, it is always a little jarring when a new element is thrown into the mix within a household, and it just took some time for everyone to adjust to each other. I would say we’ve all adjusted fairly well. We all do a few things here and there that annoy one another, and we all try to cut each other a little slack. All in all it is working itself out pretty well.

As far as my attraction to TS2 it has waxed and waned since she moved in. At first, I was minorly (okay, not a word according to spellchecker but dang it, if Sarah Palin can make up her own words so can I) obsessed with her. You know how that first crush feeling is when you’re just all moony over someone? Yeah, that was me. I quickly got over that as her personality started to clash some with mine (see earlier paragraph), and I decided she was despicable and impossible to get along with. (Yes, I have a flair for drama and overreaction. What of it?) Then I came around to getting along with her just fine but now realize that although I am still much attracted to her she doesn’t feel the same way, at least as far as I can tell. Also, I’ve come to a point where I value her friendship too much to risk it by hitting on her at least in any but the most subtle ways.

If I ever get a signal from her that she is interested in me then I would pursue it, but as long as she sends no overt signals I’ll just keep everything at a friendship level. I fully recognize that having W in the picture (not to mention the house) is a complicating factor that makes the situation almost impossible to resolve in any standard socially acceptable sort of way so I can’t much blame TS2 if she doesn’t want to get in the middle of that. I’m not particularly fond of being in the middle of it myself.

Super Glued in Place

So here we are -- new year and same old stuff. I am stuck in limbo. I think that's why I never write anymore.

I am stuck. I am here, in my life that I myself created this way, stuck with an old man who after struggling for several years to be healthy has seemingly come out the other side healthier than ever. Yes, W has gotten so many of his health issues under control and/or put behind him that he's looking like he just might live to be 100. Then again, maybe he is just too ornery to die. I don't know. Whatever the case, all indications are that he will be around for some time more, and thanks to my decisions I am stuck with him.

I'm in it for the long haul, and yet, in so many ways I'm not in it at all. He is housemate, not partner. He is friend, at best, not lover. He is just a part of the family who is here without there being strong emotions, positive or negative, between us at least on my part. It has been said that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That is where I am regarding W -- indifferent. I don't have warm, fuzzy loving thoughts about him. Neither do I have raging, angry hateful thoughts about him. He just is. I just am. The whole relationship and situation just is. We just exist. . . in tandem. . . side by side. . . yet totally unconnected.

It's an odd situation, and yet I wonder how many others are out there going through similar things, going through the motions, looking to all the world as though not a thing in the world is wrong, while underneath it all is a vacuum, an empty void where the heart of the relationship should be. I'll bet there are more couples out there than any of us realize in a similar state -- no longer a couple but just two individuals still tethered by the thinnest of strands of relationship.

I am at my happiest when I view myself as single, an individual free to be me, free to do what I deem to be the best thing for me without regard for W. I am at my least happy when I subjugate myself to pacifying him, to helping him keep up his illusion (delusion?) of what our life is together.

So it's a new year. So what? Nothing really changes.

And the Month Just Slipped Away

I really wanted to write something but didn’t know what to write so I stole me a meme. I figured answering questions would be a good way to get my creative juices flowing again.

1. Lots of pillows or just one? Describe your pre-sleeping rituals.
Well, really this is a two parter. For the pillow part – lots. Lots and lots and lots. You can never have too many pillows. If you start to think you have too many pillows you are mistaken. You probably have a person or pet in bed with you that needs to sleep elsewhere to make room for your pillows. Now on to the pre-sleeping rituals. Once in my bedroom I turn on the TV, set the sleep timer to 60 minutes, check the alarm to make sure it is set (or to make sure it is not set if I don’t have to get up early the next day), get undressed, put on my nightgown, climb into bed, turn off the light, snuggle down under the covers amidst my many pillows, fall asleep watching TV.

2. What kind of books do you read? All kinds, mostly novels.

3. What are your neighbors like? Well, there’s Gladys. She’s a pill. She needs to worry more about her own business and much, much less about mine. Then there’s everybody else, and they all are just anonymous people whom I don’t know well. More’s the pity.

4. What's really creepy to you? Spiders, guys who get too close when talking to me, and anybody or anything too reminiscent of Michael Myers from the Halloween movies.

5. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction? Angry Birds. I keep running the battery down on my cell phone playing Angry Birds.

6. Do you prefer your junk food sweet, salty or savory? Yes.

7. What was the last thing you expensive bought? (This was how I found the question worded. Awkward. I think though they are asking for the last thing I bought that was expensive, at least that’s how I’m answering it.) A new 40-something inch plasma TV.

8. What is your greatest fear? Not being liked

9. Do you get cravings? YES!! If so, what do you crave? SEX!!!

10. What do you do to change your mood? Masturbate, shop, take a nap – not necessarily in that order

11. What was the last meal you ate that you loved? Thanksgiving dinner. It turned out the best I’ve made in a long time. It was great.

12. Do you want to learn another language? If so, why? Yes, so I can hablo con mi amigos y amigas de Mexico.

13. What's something that you'd like to say to someone right now? Fuck you

14. What are you looking forward to? Christmas


Well, that was quite unsatisfying, not a thing that caught my fancy enough to make me wax poetic. Sigh. . .

November Already?

Today is All Saints Day. I’m not Catholic so I don’t celebrate All Saints Day. I’m not particularly into Saints. Oh the New Orleans Saints are alright, but I’m not going to be praying to Saint Christopher, Saint Xavier, or even Saint Nicholas anytime soon.

Well, that had nothing whatsoever to do with today’s post, but it is a reflection of the rambling way my brain has been working lately. This may, in no small part, be due to my sporadic, at best, use of my happy pills lately.

Again, that was a bit of an aside apropos of nothing. Here then lets start with the real post.

I am sad. I am so very, very sad. People are dying all around me. Two of the older ladies in our church passed away within the last couple of months. Both were in their late 80s so perhaps their deaths should have come as little surprise. They did though because both of them seemed so healthy right up to when they weren’t anymore. Last week the mother of a friend died. She was in her mid-60s. This morning another member of our church died, and he also was only in his late 50s or early 60s. I feel like I’m just all cried out about all of it, and yet every now then the tears come again. Too many people dying all in a bunch. It’s ticking me off. Stop dying people.

On a lighter note however, TS2 moved in last month. Goodness, having her around is like a breath of fresh air. I have someone to talk to. I have someone who likes to help out around the house and insists on doing so in return for the outrageously low rent I’m charging her. She fixed a window last night that both BJ and W had attempted unsuccessfully. TS2 ain’t perfect. She talks a lot. Of course, we all have our flaws. Maybe I have on the rose colored glasses (I’ve been known to do that occasionally), but I am no less crushing on her than I was before she moved in.

There are times when I am so damned tempted to make a subtle move on her of some sort, but dang it I am no good at it. I am so much better at it with men than women, possibly just because I have more experience with men than women, but I think women are much harder to read than men. There are two kinds of men – men who will and men who won’t. All you have to do is hit on the ones who will and bingo! With women, who knows? Every one is different, complex, and completely unpredictable. With TS2 there are times I think she’d welcome my advances, but then there are other times when I think, no, she’s just a friend. Bleah. . . I’m pretty sure nothing will ever come of this little infatuation of mine. I’m pretty sure I’ll never make the move. What I just don’t know is if TS2 will make a move on me. I tend to think not. I tend to think she won’t because she will want to respect my “marriage” (using that term loosely).

Or one of these days in a weak moment, I’m gonna plant a kiss on her, and then I guess we’ll see what kind of fallout that causes.

Must exert self-control.

Silence Please!

How do you silence the voices in your head? I certainly am having difficulty with that lately and really have had for a very long time.

I even catch myself saying things out loud just like my dad used to when I was growing up. He’d be getting dressed in the morning for work and mutter to himself. Often I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but on the rare occasion when I could it would be something work related, something he needed to deal with that he was obviously working out in his mind. Now I do the same although much of the time when I mutter out loud it is to tell my coworkers, my parents, everyone I know (all of whom are in my head badgering me) to shut the fuck up or to leave me alone.

I hate that my inner voices constantly and consistently berate me for one thing or another. I really want them to shut up. I really want them to go away and leave me alone, leave me be and let me feel good about myself. Am I really never ever allowed to feel good about myself? Am I really so bad that there are no redeeming qualities about me? Really, voices? Can you not see that I am okay just as I am even if I have a few flaws here and there? Can you not see that I try hard? Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you say affirming things to me, things that will build me up rather than tear me down? You’re afraid, aren’t you, that if I start to feel too good about myself that I will get a big head and an ego that just won’t quit? You’re afraid if you don’t shoot me down I won’t work as hard because I won’t have to prove you wrong. Isn’t that it?

Well, voices, you have it all wrong. All you do is reinforce my feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough, so then I feel that trying is all for nothing. Why try when I can never succeed anyway?

So voices, thanks so very much for your input, but now please shut up and go away.

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP
AND
GO
THE
FUCK
AWAY!

Out One Door, In Another

Who’s out?
D. She quit.

She announced her resignation about a week and a half ago. I congratulated her, as is the appropriate thing to do. Then I went to the restroom and bawled. D was the one person that was making this job tolerable. Yes, I knew she was looking. Yes, I knew that eventually she would be gone. No, I didn’t know it would be so soon.

Ever since she announced her resignation she has been a different person. Apparently, once she knew she didn’t have to stay here much longer she didn’t need me as a friend anymore. She pulled away. She didn’t talk to me much. She didn’t work with me as easily as before. She had a chip on her shoulder that they didn’t pay her in lieu of having her stay the two weeks notice that she had given them. She wanted out. . . immediately. They wanted her here to make a smooth transition. She stayed. . . but she became minimally cooperative with everyone. . . including me. . . the one who was supposedly her friend. In retaliation, I pulled away. I barely gave her the time of day the last few days.

Today, she’s gone. She never said goodbye. She never told me she’d me miss me. She didn’t even tell me that yesterday was her last day instead of the originally planned last day later this week. She just told me she was leaving early yesterday. I only found out she was gone for good when Boss came around and shared the news with the rest of the department after she was gone.

So. . . good riddance D. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. What a bitch.


Who’s in?
TS2. She’s moving into my house next week.

She came over to look at the room, and the rest of the house, and to talk to me, W and N. I think we will all get along quite well. I think I’m just going to have to be very careful about my feelings about TS2. I could see my crush getting me into trouble in more ways than one. I could see it being awkward, oh so awkward between W and me if he found out about my crush. (It is, after all, quite different to say you’re fine with your wife being with another woman and having to actually live with it.) I could see TS2 feeling uncomfortable about me having a crush on her if she found out about my crush, particularly since W and I are still legally married. Also, I could see me getting jealous and depressed when she starts dating someone because it will be right there in front of me. And if I think about it I can envision dozens of other ways it could get me in trouble.

But. . . TS2 needs a place to stay, and I’ve got plenty of room in my house. And I can’t help but let my thoughts drift to a place where somehow TS and TS2 could end up together. What a dreamer.

It's Back: Sunday Stealing

I got tired of the Sunday Stealing memes for a while, and by invoking the age old adage about a woman's prerogative This week, I say with a shrug of my shoulders, I think I’ll give it another go. Just to cheer me up. . . and calm me down. . . and then maybe I’ll be able to tackle writing about why I need to be cheered up and calmed down.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I hate my hair, my long scraggly graying hair.

2. How much cash do you have on you? About $40 bucks.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Bore. (Not sure the point of that question. Whatever.)

4. Favorite planet? Earth, because I live here (most of the time)

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? The mystery number from Milwaukee that I never answer in spite of them calling at least once per day.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? The Illini fight song.

7. What shirt are you wearing? My lavender one with the little white dots

8. Do you label yourself? I don’t have a label maker

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? Brand, really? You expect me to know a brand for shoes? They’re sandals for goodness sake. It’s not like they’re Converse Chuck Taylors or something.

10. Bright or Dark Room? What, that I like, that I’m in right now, what? I like a bright room, really bright with lots of natural light streaming through the windows. I’m currently sitting in a cubicle in the basement in a really brightly artificially lit room. Yuck, yuck, and yuck.

11. Did you do anything to celebrate John Lennon's 70th yesterday? He didn’t do anything to celebrate mine a few months ago so why should I?

12. What does your watch look like? A watch.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping. . . soundly

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? Can you make it on Sunday?

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I have no idea and don’t really care

16. What’s a word that you say a lot? Whatever

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? N

18. Last furry thing you touched? My dog

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? None (don’t tell my Dr)

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? None

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 40

22. Your worst enemy? Myself

23. What is your current desktop picture (extra points if you post it.)? N’s soccer team after winning a tournament in September

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? “She’s been kind of out of sorts lately.”

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? This one’s easy. I’d choose a million bucks because I pretty much know what I’d do with it, and I’m not too sure what I’d do with the ability to fly other than hurt myself. Here’s how the million (assuming it’s a million after taxes) would be split:

• $100,000 – divided among my church and a few local charities close to my heart
• $100,000 – straight into N’s education savings account
• $100,000 – payoff to W so I could be free of him at last
• $100,000 – replenish my rainy day fund
• $50,000 – house and landscape renovations
• $30,000 – new car
• $10,000 – legal fees and incidental expenses to get the divorce from W
• $5,000 – payoff to BJ for the travel expenses he picked up for me while we were together (which was something I always felt bad about and feel even worse about given that we didn’t stay together)
• $5,000 – vacation for N and me
• That would leave $500,000 which would be invested in an annuity that would provide me with a monthly payout for the remainder of my life

Two Huge Crushes

I have two huge crushes right now. One is one of those celebrity-it’ll-never-come-to-anything crushes. The other is an honest to goodness real life person known to me personally through my social circle. (Now, how odd does that sound coming from such a social misfit like me, that I would have a social circle. Oddly enough, I do seem to be developing one here. Go figure.)

So first the frivolous one. Bret Michaels. OMG I am in absolute head-over-heels lust over him. I didn’t even know who he was until he was on Celebrity Apprentice. I think it’s the bad boy image combined with his gorgeous blue eyes and long blond hair that did me in first. Then it was his music. I just bought his latest CD, Custom Built and I just know he sings Lie to Me directly to me. Mmm. . . baby I’ll lie to you any day. Just drop on by.

Then to the real one. TS2, that’s what I’ll call her because her first name is the same as mine. I have had sort of a crush on her since I’ve known her the past couple of years. However, she was in a relationship which put her off limits to me. What’s that, you say? Never stopped me before? Oh, I know, but TS2 is different. If I had a relationship with her I didn’t want a physical only relationship but a real honest to goodness relationship. In other words, for one thing I couldn’t trust myself to keep it physical only and not fall for her in a big way, and for another thing I wouldn’t want to do or suggest anything that would cause her to think less of me and ruin any chance I might have with her at any time. So I’ve kept her (mostly) out of my mind in that way.

But now. . . now, I’m helping her with a project for an organization we both belong to, and while chatting she shares with me that she and her partner have broken up. Unfortunately, TS2 can’t afford to move out right now so she is still living in her ex’s house. (Somewhat parallel lives what with W living at my house and now that he’s being sued for the debt he wracked up while we were separated (yeah, that was nice when the police officer showed up at the door just last night to deliver that bad news) I am considering going ahead with the divorce to ensure that his debts don’t haunt me forevermore, meaning he would literally be an ex living in his ex’s house because he can’t afford to live elsewhere.) Anyway, TS2 is free now to do what she wants and see who she wants. My heart leapt a little as we talked about her situation. This was about a week ago. I have thought and thought about this for the past week, oh perhaps even obsessed just a bit. (Obsession – a little bad habit I have, though I probably needn’t mention that. You’ve probably noticed it in previous writings of mine)

So now I took a huge leap (in one way and yet in another it was more taking a subtle and non-committal leap that won’t put my heart at risk – just yet – maybe) and have offered to let TS2 rent a room in my house from me so that she can escape her awkward living situation. It isn’t as if we (W and I) haven’t rented rooms out before. We have – a few times – and for the most part I just have a the-more-the-merrier attitude about it. To me this would be not complicated at all if it weren’t for the crush I have on TS2 (and no, she doesn’t know or at least I don’t think she does) and if it weren’t for the way TS2 looks at me when she talks to me. (or am I reading more into what I see in her eyes just because I want it to be there?)

And really people, how complicated could this all get if TS2 and I did end up falling for each other? I know, really, really complicated. I know.

Top Ten Things I Learned by Having Pneumonia Last Week

10. There are approximately 4.2 million judges with their own courtroom TV shows.
9. People will sue each other in TV court for any damned thing, no matter how trivial.
8. Let’s Make a Deal just isn’t the same without Monty Hall.
7. My bed is really comfortable, even after 18 straight hours.
6. Pneumonia will drain the energy right out of you, making it difficult to even walk eight feet from the bed to the toilet.
5. Nobody who hasn’t had pneumonia can truly appreciate just how awful it makes you feel.
4. In spite of taking a whole week off of work to get over it, I’m still exhausted and barely make it through the day.
3. Naps are good. More naps are even better.
2. W and N are virtually incapable of managing without me, especially when it comes to getting places on time or even knowing where they are supposed to be at any given time.

And the #1 thing I learned by having pneumonia last week:

1. Until you get on antibiotics and start recuperating you don’t give a damn about numbers two through ten because you are too busy fantasizing about someone coming and shooting you to put you out of your misery.

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 398

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Singapore :: Sling (even though I’ve never had one)
2. blah blah blah :: Yada, yada, yada
3. Stall :: Restroom (I’m pretty sure my friend Val would’ve said “horse”)
4. Bowls :: Toilet (sorry, but that last one influenced this one)
5. Entrance :: Exit
6. Antique :: Old
7. Elizabeth :: Aunt
8. Hook :: and Eye
9. Width :: Depth
10. Photo journalism :: worth a thousand words of regular journalism

So. . . . . . . . . . . . .

I’ve been reading the newest book by Geneen Roth, Women, Food and God. I’ve been a fan of Roth’s books for a while now. She basically takes an approach to weight loss that is focused at the emotions and feelings that contribute to overeating rather than trying to control food itself. I like her approach because I recognize in myself that there are psychological/emotional issues that are at the heart of my eating problems. Eating for me has nothing to do with physical hunger or staying alive. Eating for me is comfort, a friend, a way to soothe the boredom, a way of asserting my independence, a way to try to quiet the demons inside me. In other words, I have an addiction and my drug of choice is food.

Anyway, her newest book deals a lot with the spiritual side of us and also with what she calls The Voice. The Voice is that internal dialogue people keep up inside themselves. The Voice generally is like a tape playing over and over lessons learned from childhood, perhaps from parents, perhaps teachers, perhaps peers, anyone that ever may have criticized you or set you straight on a particular matter. My Voice is particularly cruel, though I don’t believe any crueler than many others’ Voices. The Voice reminds me over and over that I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try. The Voice demands that I acknowledge that I am a failure at all that I do. The Voice reminds me of all the ways in which I am less than, flawed, not up to par.

Roth’s book speaks to the ways in which one can silence The Voice. One of these ways is when a feeling arises to take that feeling and inquire with oneself about the feeling. Rather than stuffing it, ignoring it, eating it away, take it out and look at it, observe it, see how it feels. I have been trying the last few days to do this thing, and it is hard. It is so very hard sometimes, and yet when I am successful at doing it I find it to be a very freeing experience. By taking the judgment out and letting it be whatever it is, the feeling loses its power. I become the powerful one, the one in charge.

I have learned through the years that I cannot be trusted to make my own choices when it comes to food. I am now trying to unlearn this. I am now trying to listen to and give credence to my body. For years I have seen my body as my enemy. I have fought the good fight, clamping down with iron will against eating the things my body says that it wants. Then finally (and this always happens sometime, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but always sometime) I get tired and pissed off and at that point I go in with a “Screw you!” attitude, and I eat. I eat and I eat and I eat. I eat beyond the point of fullness. I eat without pleasure. I barely taste what I’m eating. But I eat. Screw you world who doesn’t want me to eat. Screw you! Take that. And then comes the misery, the stomach ache, the heartburn, the added poundage on an already overweight body. The food, the eating, it is all just a symptom of a much deeper more profound problem. Without addressing that deeper problem there is no diet, no nutritional program, no exercise program, no surgery, no pill that is ever going to help me lose weight.

And yes, I know this is all territory I have covered before. I’m just still trying to get it transferred from head knowledge to heart knowledge, ya’ know?

And It Begins Again. . . Maybe

It’s a funny thing about boundaries and taboos. It is scary, sometimes very scary, to cross a line, to step over a boundary, to go into forbidden territory. However, once you’ve gone there it’s even harder not to go back. There is something about having done it, having crossed the line already that makes it easier the second time and the third and so forth.

That’s why it’s important to think long and hard about it before making that initial leap. It’s much harder to go back than it is not to go there in the first place. So my advice to you is don’t go there. Don’t step across the line. Don’t cross the boundary. At least don’t do it unless you really think you want to keep going back there.

So what does this have to do with my life right now? What has me thinking of such wise and philosophical advice? My dark side. I have a dark side – a deep dark side with deep dark thoughts. If you’ve read this blog for a while you certainly know that.

Right now I am in a sexual drought. M moved away in the spring. J hasn’t contacted me in a long time, and since he almost got caught the last time we were together I don’t think we’ll be getting together anytime soon. In short, I am sex starved. When I go through a sexual drought my mind wanders into dangerous territory. Sometimes, too often some would say, my body follows my mind and wanders too.

At this time I’m in the mind’s arena only, but if the opportunity were to present itself I have little doubt that my body will follow. It isn’t just if an opportunity arises. I am working pretty diligently to find a willing partner, maybe more than one, maybe several. I’m not just looking for straight vanilla sex either. I’m on the prowl for down and dirty, a little kink here, a little perversion there. I’ve been trolling some of my old haunts, and found some new ones, on the internet to see what/who I can find.

So desperate do I feel for carnal pleasures I even emailed BJ the other day. I did it not because I want him back (I don’t) or that I’ve never gotten over him (I have). It’s just that he is one of very few people in the world who I trust 100% in a sexual way. I know him. He knows me. We know each other’s most perverse perversions. I know he would take care of me in the manner I want if we were to try living out some of my fantasies. He and I have conversed a bit, and there is definitely a possibility that we will be getting together to play one of these days.

And all the while the little cricket on my shoulder keeps whispering to me, “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” (Wait a minute. Did I just mix a metaphor? Why yes, yes I did. That’s what happens when you have a prolific post with no proper ending.)

Picking up Steam

Ok people here’s the deal. I have been through both a first round and second round interview for a new job. I have been asked to provide references. I have been treated very well by these people. This would be a position with a multi-national, publicly traded company that is huge (and I mean really huge), but probably one you’ve barely heard of, if at all, because it does most of its work providing services behind the scene for other really big companies as well as some smaller ones.

One guy who interviewed me tried to downplay my chances – interviewing several, looking for the right fit, not everyone suited to this job and this environment, yada, yada, yada. Another guy who interviewed me indicated that I’m definitely in serious consideration. Now certainly these two statements are not mutually exclusive. I’m sure I am under serious consideration and that there are other well qualified candidates too.

So now we sit. . . on pins and needles. . . waiting to hear something. . . it might be as long as two to three weeks before a decision is made says one guy. Great. Take your time. These pins and needles are just soft as eider down. (Sarcasm you say? What sarcasm? Oh, well maybe a bit. I am a wiseass after all. At least I didn’t say it out loud. And yes, I know that for the candidate a couple of weeks seems like forever, but to the company looking it seems like the blink of an eye. I know. I’ve been on both sides of the table.) The good news though is that after the first interview I was told it might be a week to ten days before I heard back from them yet I received the request for the second round interview within 24 hours so maybe it won’t be so long or so bad after all.

And precious readers, this job sounds good to me, not great but definitely good. If I get an offer I will have to seriously consider it, weigh all the pros and cons of staying at the current job vs. those of taking the new job before making the decision to leap.

Oh and BTW, my therapist says he sees a world of difference in my attitude and outlook and demeanor from a year ago to now. I am much more upbeat, engaged, and invested in life. I feel it too. I just didn’t know it showed through so much to other people. Finally, I feel like after years of trying to get there, we’ve got the depression under control with the right combination of meds and therapy. Finally I’m coming back out into the world as the real me, my TRUE SELF, and enjoying it so even if I don’t get an offer for this job I know there will be other opportunities for other jobs as well as the ability to work toward making this job a better one.

Whew! I’m so glad to be back on track after derailing for a few really hard years.

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 395

Still lacking time. However, the quickie update is this: second round interview this week for new job; loving the choir I just joined; Boss and Betty are going to drive me batty yet; got another cold call from a recruiter this a.m. for a job that sounds right up my alley, but is located in Cedar Rapids, hmmm. . . I wasn't really wanting to move, but. . . ; given that I haven't been looking for these positions I'm thinking God is trying to tell me it is time to move on from this workplace; participated in Gay Pride fest recently and think that when I mentioned it to some of my coworkers they are now wondering (but afraid to ask) if I'm a lesbian; I'm enjoying the ambiguity, maybe because sometimes I feel like being bisexual is all about ambiguity; in that same vein, I may have a budding same sex romance but it's too early to tell.

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Leads :: follows or gets out of the way
2. Concierge :: hotel
3. Thousand :: tongues
4. Engines :: motorcycles
5. Argument :: disagreement
6. 2006 :: I got nothin'
7. Knot :: tie
8. Fuck :: you!
9. Handsome :: bastard
10. Ridge :: Ruffles

Really Quick Update apropos Nothing at All

This is a scatter shot post – just things that I must say but without the time to really talk about them to the extent I’d like.

Item #1
I auditioned for and was accepted into a local women’s choir. This is not just a cutesy little community group either. This is a group that has four CDs published and has won a national award or two. To say I’m ecstatic would be an understatement.

Item #2
N and I went on vacation last week. It was the hottest week of the summer, and we spent it at a theme park, water park, and attending a major league baseball game. I may never be hydrated enough ever again.

Item #3
W is absolutely driving me crazy. Thank goodness I had vacation last week without him. (Actually I invited him to come with us but he declined. In this case, he was smarter than I.)

Item #4
A little more than a week ago I had a first round HR only interview for a local job at a global company. I am supposed to hear this week if I get asked back for an interview with the hiring manager. Keep your fingers crossed ‘cause this sounds like a good job.

Item #5
My hair is longer now than it has been since I was in college, and I’m actually enjoying it. I always thought old ladies weren’t allowed to wear their hair long, but I’ve always liked my hair best that way. Wanna know why I let it grow? J asked me to back when we first got together again. Go figure. . .

Item #6
There is no sex in my life right now. M moved late in the spring, and of course W and I have nothing at all physical between us other than the occasional hand extended to help each other get up out of a low chair. I miss sex.

That’s it for now.

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 394

No new substantive post yet. Aack! My life is way too busy which I hate, because I really, really, really have a lot to say. Soon folks, soon. . .

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Rhythm :: and Blues
2. Baby :: Blues
3. Sanctimonious :: Bastard
4. I like :: Rock ‘n’ Roll
5. Constipated :: Bloated
6. Sleep late :: Luxury
7. Over easy :: Eggs
8. Erratic :: Me!
9. Umbrella :: Necessity
10. You don’t :: mean it

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 393

Once again you bear witness to my weird wacky mind while waiting for the real post on which I am currently working having to do with my dreams, therapy, and dreams about therapy. I am soon leaving for my therapy appointment so who knows where that post will go once I’ve talked to Freud for an hour.

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Coma :: Very deep sleep
2. Aristotle :: Onasis
3. Pink eye :: Miserable
4. Expensive :: Unnecessary
5. Dancer :: Prancer and Vixen
6. Lipstick :: Waxy nasty stuff
7. Buffer :: Go Between
8. Stilettos :: Really High Heels
9. Booming :: Loud
10. Rap :: Hip hop

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 391

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Sexting :: Gross
2. Corrected :: Fixed
3. Rewind :: Be kind
4. Heard :: Listened
5. Amazon :: Books
6. Running :: from the law
7. Illegal :: Bad
8. Tracked :: Stalked
9. Generate :: Make
10. Towel :: Absorbant

Don’t know what you might make of my answers up there. I wondered after I typed “Books” for Amazon how many people think of the river or tall strong women as opposed to the website. Also, I found it interesting that I typed “from the law” for running before I (consciously?) saw that the next word was Illegal. Of course, “Be kind” for Rewind is a throwback to the days when I used to rent videotapes by the boatload.

They Always Leave

As I started writing this it was a dead heat between family revelations and work shit so I started with work shit only to have family revelations win the poll by a narrow margin. Luckily for my reading public this one was practically finished already so I’m putting in the hopper to post on Monday. Wow. Two posts within one week’s time. Totally radical, dude.

One day last week just as soon as I came into work, before I even had a chance to get coffee, the newest coworker (been here just since spring) in my department shared with me that she has given notice and will be leaving to return to a former employer. I was sorry to hear of that because she’s a good worker, catches on quickly, and is pleasant to be around. She is also vastly over-qualified for the position she has here and even though I genuinely believe she did not intend to do so she parlayed this situation into a much better job at the old employer. So I congratulated her, and sighed knowing that we may not be so lucky to get someone as good as she is when they hire her replacement. Oh well, life goes on.

Then, not a half hour later D asks me to go on a break with her. It isn’t at all unusual for us to go on breaks together. However, usually we do so in the afternoon rather than the morning. She clearly had something on her mind that she wanted to discuss with me. We went to one of our quiet places near work and sat down. Then she dropped the bombshell. On top of our new coworker leaving, D is also going to be leaving and moving one state away for personal reasons. The only difference is that D is uncertain of her timing. She has no new job to go to yet although she is actively looking. Once she finds something she will be out of here with no regrets about leaving.

D shared with me why she is moving to another state. I won’t share it here as that is her story not mine. I will share here that I think it is a lame reason that she is moving, a reason that makes little sense to me yet it isn’t my business so I said nothing critical to her about the move. Certainly she shouldn’t stay here just because I finally have a friend near by, something that has been few and far between in my life.

I’ve known for a long time, practically since she started last fall, that D is unhappy at work. The job is not a good fit for her, and she has as much or more difficulty getting along with Boss and Betty (a new name for the sidebar, given due to her annoying Betty Rubble laugh; this is a coworker who thinks she is God and has convinced many of the superiors around here of this which makes life more difficult for the rest of us mere mortals who can never live up to her perfection in every way) than I do. While I’m the live and let live type who tries to do just roll with the flow, D is the type who wants things the way she wants things and fights for it. She has bumped heads with Boss many times. Betty intimidates D (as she does me also) so that D is incredibly uncomfortable with Betty. D won’t fight Betty, and it drives D crazy because she doesn’t handle being the underdog well. I can’t fight Betty, and I just ignore Betty as much as possible and do my own thing as I’m used to being the underdog in most situations. All of this to say that as unhappy as D is here in this job it would be ridiculous for me to try to persuade her to stay.

So I’m screwed. No, I don’t think I’ll lose my job anytime soon particularly since I’m sure I’ll have extra duties at least for a while, but life at work is going to get a whole lot less pleasant unless at least one of my new coworkers just happens to click with me like D did.

Word to the wise: if your department has a lot of turnover, like a revolving door kind of turnover, you may want to look at the cause. You may want to see if there is something you or others in your department are doing to make newcomers feel unwelcome. I’ve worked in two places like this now in the last few years, and in both cases I can identify significant flaws in how the department is managed that contribute significantly to the high turnover rate.

And, well, life goes on. . .

What I’ve Realized About Me and My Family

Okay people you asked and you receive. This is long, way longer than I realized it would be when I began writing it. It is a stream of consciousness posting with little editing done, mostly because I couldn't bear to read it again. Just writing it stirred up emotions, and I don't think I could stand further stirring.

Let me start by saying that my perception of myself and my family, meaning the one into which I was born and then raised, has included some misperceptions. I think that’s the case with a lot of people and a lot of families. We see ourselves, and our families, differently than those looking in from the outside see us. What I am going to detail in this post are some of those misperceptions that I have had and the realizations I to which I have recently come with regard to them.

First the misperceptions, without reference to cause, effect, or reason, just the perceptions I had for the better part of my life:
Misperception #1: The way my family is and the way they do things is the right way and far superior to all others, who are merely average and misguided and less happy than we are.
Misperception #2: If I were different and had fewer “issues” my family would get along just fine.
Misperception #3: If something is wrong, it must be my fault.
Misperception #4: I am the black sheep of the family.

Now let’s go look and dissect each of these little misperceptions, one by one.
Misperception #1: The way my family is and the way they do things is the right way and far superior to all others, who are merely average and misguided and less happy than we are.
For as long as I can remember, Mom and Dad (particularly Mom) pushed the idea that by virtue of certain truths we were better than other families in our community. In the world according to Mom, we were better because we were true Christians, not just some poser Christian like Catholics or Lutherans. We were better than that. We knew how things really were because we were . . . well, what were we? Sort of Baptist, sort of Methodist, sort of sleep in on Sunday folk. That didn’t mean, though, that we didn’t believe in Jesus as our Lord and Savior. No, we had a personal relationship with Him that those pseudo-Christians didn’t have. We were the enlightened. We were better than others because we sinned less. Nobody in our family drank alcohol, used bad language, or had sex outside of marriage. We were better than others because we were intelligent and well schooled. We were better, and we didn’t need to be associating with others who weren’t all that we were. Somewhere, I believed, was a place where people like us lived, but it wasn’t where we were. We were strangers in a strange land. As such we had to keep our guard up or we might turn into average people.
What this left me with was a longstanding battle internally trying to reconcile my desire to fit in with the rest of the crowd and to fit in with my family and be acceptable to my parents. On a certain level I have known intellectually that there are all sorts of ways to be that are acceptable, that no one has to do and be and think just one way in order to be just fine. On an emotional level, however, I continued to struggle with it. There was just a part of me that wanted to believe that my parents had it all right and the rest of the world had it wrong. However, now I’m getting over that. I am just as acceptable and fine a person as anyone else. We’re all human. We all have our faults and flaws but that doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough to be here, to stand tall with our heads held high. I’m finally starting to believe what I tell N all the time: “As long as you do the best you can do then you’re doing great.”


Misperception #2: If I were different and had fewer “issues” my family would get along just fine.
If I were thin my family would like me. If I called my parents more often and visited more often and did everything they tell me I should do then all would be well. That, my friends, is magical thinking. Also, it would mean that I am not an adult. An adult listens to advice and criticism, processes it rationally, discards what is not helpful, takes to heart what is helpful and moves on, knowing that it is impossible to please everyone all the time no matter how hard one tries.
I have now come to the realization that my family will never get along just fine no matter what I do or don’t do. I do not have the power to be the salve that soothes all pains, and more importantly, it isn’t my place to try to be that salve. Everybody has to deal with their own shit.

Misperception #3: If something is wrong, it must be my fault.
This goes along closely with #2 up there. Goodness knows, if anyone looks upset or acts grumpy it doesn’t necessarily mean that I have anything at all to do with it. However, I am by nature the type who wants everyone to be happy and works to be all things to all people in order to make it that way. This is, my friends, too much burden, and it is a burden that nobody but me ever placed on me.
I realize now that I have just got to quit immediately assuming that I’m the one in the wrong every time there is tension. I have got to let others bear the weight of responsibility for their own shit.

Misperception #4: I am the black sheep of the family.
I saved this one for last because this one is the trickiest one for me to talk about and pin down. A lot of it stems from the enormous pressure I felt to live up to my parents’ expectations of me, and they really had some pretty high expectations, at least academically. While I have always enjoyed learning and absorbed most classes like a sponge I have my weak spots. While the expectation was all A’s and most of the time I could pull that off, once I hit college level courses at a major university with a bunch of other brilliant students it wasn’t so easy and proved to be undoable for me. Certain required courses were damned hard for me, and while I tried I got several B’s in college, a couple of C’s and even one D. I didn’t pass the CPA exam on the first try, only passing two parts conditionally and then still failing the other two on my second try. By the time I graduated with my Masters degree I had plenty of job interviews but no offers. It was pretty much at that point that I decided I was a failure and the black sheep of the family. My parents did nothing to contradict that and really did and said many things that convinced me that my view was correct. I learned that if you aren’t at the top you aren’t anything. I remember that as a senior in high school I was not valedictorian nor salutatorian. In fact, I had the sixth highest GPA in my school out of a class of over 350 students. I remember this because my mom said to me, “Oh well, sixth isn’t too bad.” My parents never said they were proud of me unless I was right at the top, the very best. I buckled under the pressure of it all once I was out of college and accepted myself as the family’s black sheep, not good enough in so many ways besides academics. I was too interested in boys, for example, and not the right kind of boys, not the good Christian boys who were on the fast track to success. No, I was interested in boys with whom I felt a connection, boys who were willing to settle for someone like me. I drank alcohol (mostly in moderation), smoked cigarettes (occasionally, not every day), and ate too much. I was also too damned independent, always wanting to think for myself and not always agreeing with my parents’ viewpoint on every subject. So screw it. I felt like a major fuck up and quit trying. If I was going to be the black sheep anyway I might just as well go whole hog.
What I have realized is that I am not the black sheep of the family. Well, maybe I am in the sense that I am not like the other members of my family in some pretty distinct ways, but it doesn’t have to mean that I am a black sheep in terms of not being as good as other members of my family. When I look at it through a more objective lens I can see that I am no worse fucked up than the other members of my family. We just have different ways that we’re fucked up or sometimes even the same ways. I don’t call my parents as often as I probably ought to, but then again they don’t call me unless it’s to tell me (several days after it occurs) of a hospitalization or something. One of my flaws is that I have a rebellious streak a mile wide and will go out of my way to do rebellious things. One of my dad’s flaws is that he believes everyone should conform to his way of thinking rather than respecting different opinions and beliefs. One of FU’s flaws is that he is OCD and has been since he was a young child. As far as I know he has never been officially diagnosed with it, but it doesn’t take being around him long to see it plain as day. I could go on and on. We all have flaws. Indeed we do. So I’m not the black sheep. I’m just another one of the nuts on the family tree.

'Tis a Quandary

Well, I’ve started two posts recently and finished neither of them. Then my world (at work) explodes. So which thing to write about. . . that is the question.

One was a post that I started to write about how I grew up believing certain things and then as I matured and learned more and expanded my horizons I came to see some of my beliefs as wrong. It was turning into a very long post and was/is very disorganized and needs some major editing and revision.

The second one was a post that is begging to be told from inside me about revelations I have made about my family in recent weeks. I have “seen the light” about certain things and spent a good deal of therapy this week discussing my thoughts on this.

The third thing I want to write about is work and what’s been turned on its head since somewhere around 8:30 this morning.

So. . .

It’s a quandary.

Dear readers, if there are any left, which post would you like to read first? I will work on them in the order you dictate. Discuss amongst yourselves and vote over there in the poll on the right. Vote quickly though because it will close soon. In the meantime, I’m going to try to work on one post or another as the fancy strikes.

It's a Big Two for One Deal

I never ever post and then. . . Bam!. . . Two posts within one post all of a sudden.

First off, let's start with Unconscious Mutterings, Week 387

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Collectors :: Trash
2. Passion :: Obsession
3. Winner :: Loser
4. Uninhibited :: Free
5. Challenge :: Hard Work
6. Self :: Ego
7. Your :: My
8. Viewer :: Watcher
9. Random :: Unplanned
10. Vice :: President

Next, I was lurking over at Lime's place and was intrigued by a meme that she was perpetuating. It seems it started with one person who wrote questions that were answered by a second person who asked another set of questions that were answered by a third person, etc. and so on until someone asked questions that Lime answered, and she then left questions for others to answer. So here I am answering Lime's questions (and no, I can't provide nearly as entertaining meme answers as Lime so I didn't even try; I just typed up what popped into my head) after which I ask some of my own for you to answer on your blog or in my comments as you wish. If you do answer my questions on your blog be so kind as to drop a comment here letting me know that you did so I can go visit and see what you have to say.

Without further ado, Lime's questions and my answers:
1. What is the best use for canned peas since they are unfit for human consumption? Although I actually don’t mind eating canned peas I believe their best use may very well be as entertainment for small children in high chairs. They are the perfect food for mushing on the tray as well as throwing on the floor, against the wall or even on the ceiling.
2. How many BP execs does it take to plug an oil well? I believe there is no number of BP execs adequate to the task. However, I guess we won’t really know that unless they actually remove themselves from their ivory tower and try to help, now will we?
3.Where did you hide your last victim? No way do I give out such highly incriminating information. No way. . . Some though would probably say I left him in his apartment some 40 miles away.
4. What one junk food or vice do you want researchers to discover is actually good for you? DQ Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzards
5. Would you rather crawl on a track of razor blades then swim in a vat of lemon juice or listen to the collected works of Yoko Ono continuously for 24 hours while snuggling with Marilyn Manson? I’ll choose listen to the collected works of Yoko Ono continuously for 24 hours while swimming in a vat of lemon juice.
6. Daisy Duke or Ellie Mae Clampett / Luke Duke or Jethro (as applies to your gender preference)? Either way (and I could go either way) it’s the Duke.
7. Who? BJ What? Broke my heart When? Almost a year ago Where? Everywhere How? By not holding onto me And most importantly, why? Because he wanted total acceptance of who he was while wanting me to be different than who I am (Okay, I know it's been almost a year, and I'm supposed to be over it, and blah, blah, blah. . . It still pops up now and then in my little pea brain. I don't regret that it's over anymore. I don't want him back anymore. But it still pops up now and again, and if I ever saw him again I think I'd go kick him in the shin just to express my frustration that he does pop into my thoughts on occasion.)
8. I almost forgot...how much? More than a lifetime’s worth
9. Dazzle me with some mad skillz I never knew you had. I can bring a funereal silence to a room teeming with a loquacious audience just by telling one of my really bad jokes.
10. What super power would you like to have and why? The ability to make people listen to and understand everything I have to say before responding to me because I’m just damned tired of being ignored.

And now, my questions for you dear imaginary internet friends:
1. If you have kids, what is the most you've ever spent on one child to play one sport for one year? What sport, and why did you pay that much/little? If you don't have kids, what do you spend money on that you don't think you could afford if you did have kids?
2. If you had one day (24 hours) to do anything at all and whatever you wanted to do was all fully paid for by an anonymous benefactor what would you do?
3. Would you prefer to save a baby strapped in a carseat from a car sinking in a deep river, or save a paraplegic man in a wheelchair from a second floor bedroom of a burning house? Why?
4. If a gay acquaintance invited you to attend his/her wedding to his/her partner of several years and the date, time, and place of the wedding were all convenient for you would you attend? Why or why not?
5. When was the last time you did something for someone that meant going out of your way to do it? What did you do, how did you feel about doing it, and why did you feel that way?

Okay, due to the fact that several of these are multi-question questions I'll stop at five. Give it a go, won't you?

Money, Money, Money

My heart skipped a beat this morning when I logged onto online banking and my balance was (horrors) only $745. Anytime my checking account balance dips below $1,000 I hate it. Now mind you I had last Friday set up some payments of some delinquent somewhat overdue teensy bit late bills that packed a punch to the old account. I knew I had done that. It wasn't a surprise. I knew ahead of time when I signed in that the balance would be below my panic threshold. Yet, there it was staring at me from the screen, and my heart skipped a beat, adrenaline flowed, the instinct to panic kicked in.

I am so not good at living on a tight budget. I like to have me a little cushion, ya' know? And not just the savings that's there for emergencies. That's for emergencies. I like a little cushion on the day to day stuff, a little cushion that says if I have to have a $500 repair on my car it won't make me skimp on groceries or make the payment for utilities late.

So as I was thinking about this, I wondered about other people. How much do you have to have in checking (meaning totally accessible money to you without dipping into some special stash or fund) to not have that panicky OMG feeling? There's a poll in my sidebar where you may leave an anonymous answer. Or you can cop to it and leave a longer answer in the comments. Your choice, or do both. We're pretty flexible 'round these parts.

It's Just Got to Be All About Me

W is home from the hospital. The doctors cannot deal with the xxxxxxx in his xxxxx xxxxxxxxx until they are able to get the xxxxx xxxxxxxxxx under control, which they mostly did last week in the hospital but not completely. He is on meds to try to continue the progress started as an inpatient. He has numerous follow up appointments with various medical professionals this week and next. He is grumpy. So am I. So is N. This is so not what any of us had planned for the summer.

N badly wants to go on a vacation this summer to an amusement park and to bring a friend along with him. I am really on board with this idea except I am afraid that W will want to go along with us {shudder}, and I have no idea how to discourage that without sounding like (and perhaps even being) an evil bitch. I have a multitude of reasons not to want W to go and not all (although some) have to do with me just flat out wanting some time without him around. There is, of course, the concern for his health, and even if we are only a few hours drive from home landing in the emergency room in unfamiliar surroundings doesn’t appeal to me, nor does dealing with the inevitable red tape of dealing with out of network claims. Not that it couldn’t happen to any one of us, but the odds go up dramatically if W tries to make the trip. Also, he won’t be up to trekking all over an amusement park, will have no interest in riding the rides or playing at the water park. Either our schedule will revolve around him and his healthcare needs, or he will have to stay back at the hotel room while we go out and enjoy ourselves. W will embarrass N (and to a lesser extent, me) with his general surliness to all those with whom he comes in contact. I’m just not sure there are any of N’s friends that need to bear witness to that.

Fortunately, N will be getting to go to summer camp for a total of almost three weeks at two different camps. That will be a welcome escape for him, a time to be with friends (and to reconnect with a girl he developed a crush on at camp last summer), and to get away from the stress that hovers as a fog throughout our house.

On another note, I decided and have told W that I am taking all things that he says at face value from now on. I am too tired to try to discern when he is joking, when he is hiding something, when he is deflecting, when he is hoping I will read between the lines, when he wants me to beg for more information. Nope. Whatever his answers to my questions (because, trust me on this, he volunteers no information so I get no conversation at all without asking) I am going to 100% accept at face value whether or not I believe them. Why? Because I am just too drained to fight it. I am just too tired to want to spend time weeding out lies from truth, fantasy from fact, fiction from non-fiction, and dragging information out of a reluctant witness. (Yes, he reminds me of a man on the witness stand who has been instructed by his attorney to say as little as possible.) I don’t care. From now on I believe nothing but act on his words as though they are all true. I refuse to read nuances, innuendos or looks because I am constantly berated by him when I do even when it turns out that I was right to do so. If he wants to hide things from me so be it. Hide to your heart’s content. If I ask if he would pick up something for supper and he says “yes” with that disgusted, frustrated voice I will simply hear the “yes” and thank him for doing so. If he tells me he doesn’t want to go somewhere with N and me with that hang dog look hoping for reassurances that we want him to go I will simply say in a cheery voice, “okay, see ya’ later.” When I ask how he’s feeling and he says nothing more than “fine” I will accept that he is fine without further inquiry.

I’m tired. I may just take a few days of vacation all by myself while N’s away at camp this summer. A little “me time” may be just what I need.

Those who don't learn from history are destined to repeat it

What do you do when you see your current employer going down the same path that a former employer took that landed the former employer in bankruptcy?

Well, if you’re me you start talking to management level people about it. You tell them exactly where you see the parallels. You tell them that with 20/20 hindsight here’s what the old employer’s management staff, as well as others outside of the company, saw as having been the downfall of the former employer. You tell them that you are concerned for the path of this company based on your prior experience.

And then what do you get? If you are like me you’ll be told that this situation is completely different and that going bankrupt or even out of business is not even a possibility. If you are luckier than me you’ll be heard and your ideas will be considered within the context of all that is happening. Maybe decisions won’t be different, but at least they will have been made with due consideration of all circumstances and possible outcomes. At least then if they chose short term gain at the expense of long term survival it would be an informed choice.

I’m sure they are right, and I am wrong. After all, they are the big powerful executives, and I am but an insignificant peon. However, at least for myself, I now have this on record so that if my fears turn out to be well-founded I will know that I was right and they were wrong. (And honestly people? That happens more often than most people would like to acknowledge which is why I just might document more of these kinds of things here. As an anonymous blog, it won’t make anyone more likely to listen to me IRL, but at least I will have it written somewhere even if it is just for myself.) If that happens, I will not be happy.

No, I would prefer that this employer stay in business. I think it provides an excellent service for its customers. I think that this geographic area would suffer without this company just as my former area of residence suffered when my former employer went out of business.

Sigh. . .

If only someone would listen. . .

My Greater Than List

I’ve seen these a few places lately and thought I would share mine here. Maybe it will inspire you to make your own list.

Not being in the hospital > being in the hospital > being dead

Swimming > walking > bicycling > running

Amazing Race > Survivor > Big Brother > other reality shows > non-reality shows

Basketball > soccer > baseball > football > hockey

Purple > pink

Coke > Pepsi

Spring > Summer > Fall > Winter

Disney World > Holiday World > Six Flags

Pizza > Lasagna > Minestrone > Spaghetti > Salad

Late nights > any other time of the day

Craig Ferguson > David Letterman > Jay Leno

Love > Hate

Compassion > Selfishness

Reading > Watching TV

Learning > Teaching > Doing neither

Mustang > Camaro

Classical > Jazz > Country > Rock > Hip Hop

Cranberry > Orange > Apple > Grape > Grapefruit

Cashews > Pecans > Almonds > Peanuts

Big sisters > Little brothers

Ferry > Train > Bus > Driving

Money > No money

Bret Michael’s Trop A Rocka Snapple > Holly Robinson Peete’s Compassionberry Snapple

And They All Fall Down

I wrote the following email to my pastor today. I share it with you as a blog update.

Pastor,

Just wanted to let you know that W is now at Xxxxx Hospital and is supposed to be there until Wednesday or Thursday. He would love visitors, whether it’s you or any of the church folk.

Xxxxx Xxxx is being a blessing to us by spending her afternoons this week with N. Also, Xxxx Xxxxxx and I have been in touch and likely will be in touch again about needs our family may have during this time. I love how the people of our church truly are the “Community” in [our church name].

I don’t know if you’ve seen the note I dropped in the offering plate yesterday or not, but my dad is also at Xxxxxx Hospital in Xxxxxx. He has been in the ICU for over a week now. Due to xxxxxxxxxx xx xxx xxxx around his xxxxxxx air was xxxxxxx xx xxx xxxxx. The pain was apparently intense, and the risk of xxxxxxxxxx was high. He has had two surgeries in the last week to try to xxxxx xx xxx xxxx xxxxxxxxx and stop the xxxxxxx xx xxx to his xxxxx. Hopefully, the second one (which they did yesterday) was successful. If not, they will have to bring in a neurosurgeon for yet another surgery. Dad is nearly 83 and has been fighting xxxxx xxxxxx for the last few years. This is just one more thing on top of the heap.

All prayers welcomed and appreciated for
- Dad, that he will find comfort
- Mom (who is doing her best to keep it together), that she be uplifted with God’s strength
- W, that he can be made more comfortable and that he finds peace whatever the outcome of this week’s hospitalization
- N (who told me this weekend he’s afraid both his grandpa and dad will both die), that he feel the warmth and love and comfort of family and friends
- and me (I’m still in the denial phase of everything, just plugging along acting like it’s all okay when it isn’t), that I can be a source of comfort and strength to the others and a good role model for N, and that at some point I have the time to have a good hard cry.

Heh. I meant this to be a short little email and turned it into a novella. Sorry ‘bout that. I do tend to ramble.

TS

So that’s the short version of what’s going on. Yes, I said that right. There’s more. I just don’t have time. I have to go pick up N so we can visit W.

More later (I hope). . .

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 383

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Fresh air :: NPR
2. Bodyguard :: Tough
3. Wedding :: Useless
4. Remind :: Annoy
5. Wicked :: Evil
6. Crawling :: Bugs
7. Gasoline :: Fuel
8. Anyone :: Care?
9. Dancing :: with the Stars
10. Wall :: Beat my head against