Sunday, April 30, 2006

J and I Finally Meet

Yesterday was the day. As I posted yesterday, I really approached our meeting with sadness, filled with regrets from the past, certain that I had built up fantasies that couldn't possibly be met. I knew that I was not only 20 years older but about 85 lbs heavier than the last time I had seen J. I was certain he would be absolutely disgusted by the fat old woman in front of him. Funny thing is J has also aged, losing much hair from the top of his head, and probably gaining about the same 85 lbs I have. We did not recognize one another at first, just as we suspected would happen. Finally he asked me if I was waiting for someone, and recognizing his voice and the sparkle in his eyes, I said yes that I believed I was waiting for him. We hugged. We hugged a hug that said we had missed each other for 20 years and neither of us wanted to let go. But as we were standing in the middle of a busy mall, letting go seemed prudent. We talked. I teared up a time or two as I apologized to J for disappearing so many years ago, as I tried to explain why although there isn't any really good explanation as to why.

We went to lunch, or I should say, J had lunch. I had a soda because that was all I had room for with all the butterflies in my stomach. We talked about all that had happened to us in the last 20 years, jobs, relationships, kids, major events. Each of us gave a brief history. We each asked each other questions and answered the best we could. We showed each other pictures of our families.

As lunch ended, J asked me where I wanted things to go from here. I told him I would first really like to know where he wanted things to go. He said that given the state of his marriage (his wife just served him with divorce papers this week) that he would not have regrets about anything we might do, and he would leave the decision up to me. I shared with him the conversation W and I had on Thursday where the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy was established, and told J that I would have no regrets about anything that we decided to do. J asked me what I wanted to do. I said, "Let's do it."

We left the mall. Then we ran into logistical problems. I obviously could not put a hotel room on my credit card because W would see the charge. J shared that his credit card bills still go to his wife so he also couldn't charge a room. We drove around trying to figure out other options. We ended up parking in a local park. Although it was fairly deserted, it was the middle of the afternoon, broad daylight, and we just couldn't do more than some kissing and light petting, quite reminiscent of our activities in our younger days. We talked and talked and kissed and talked and kissed. He held me in his arms as we talked. He pulled me toward him as we kissed and made me feel truly wanted, a feeling I haven't had in a very long time.

As dinner time approached we discussed where to go. We ended up at Olive Garden with an hour wait. We stood and waited, talking comfortably. The butterflies had long since abandoned my stomach. We had a lovely dinner, and all too soon it was over and time to go home and return to reality. W called just as we were leaving the restaurant to find out when I would be home (he thought I was out shopping). I told him I would be home soon. J drove me back to where my car was parked at the mall. We kissed some more and told each other "I love you." I got out, got into my car, and J drove away.

During our dinner conversation, J and I both agreed that we both owe it to our current families to try to make those marriages work. We agreed that neither of us would interfere with the efforts of the other to do that. However, we also acknowledged that if things don't work out in our current situations, we would like to work on a relationship between the two of us. I don't know how any of this is going to play out, but I am at least more at peace with the situation. I know where I stand with J.

1 comment:

BJ said...

I just started reading this after you commented over in my place. Very interesting! At least you have (or had) J in your life. Even if he were to leave at least you'd have those memories. I don't even have that. They're just bits and pieces mostly of one-way romances where I fell hard for a woman who either didn't feel the same way, was involved with someone else, or backed away from her true feelings for me.

There's been no true love, no first love, just an empty slate. It's like I'm 16 in a 49 year old's body. But I've gotta move forward from this point.