Such Good News It Requires a Two Post Day

Yes, in contrast to my last post which was admittedly not the cheeriest post ever this is a post with good news. At least I think it's good news.

W finally showed me a lot about our household finances today and where he keeps things filed. I now have ready access to all the information I need to provide the attorney so we can file for separation. Woohoo!

Status of Operation Info
Step 1 finding the information I need is complete.
Step 2 entails gathering the information when W is not around to catch me snooping. Amazing that looking at my own financial information would be considered snooping, but it would since I've shown so little interest in recent years. Step 2 should be accomplished in the next couple of days.
Step 3 is getting the information to the attorney which I hope to accomplish either this Friday or next Monday at the latest.

All systems go. Full speed ahead. (hoping not to run into any icebergs in the fog)

Anticipating the Holidays

Today is Halloween, the official start of the dreaded HOLIDAY SEASON. Yes, now that we're to Halloween, we've got Thanksgiving right around the corner, followed closely by Christmas with New Year's trailing not far behind.

Given the circumstances of separating from W and all that goes on with that, I am not necessarily looking forward to the holidays this year. I anticipate that it will be difficult to get through the "celebrations" as I wade through all the get togethers and parties and family functions getting to field the questions of "what happened?" and "have you tried counseling?" and "don't you think you could give him another chance?" and whatever else they can think of to ask to ensure that I feel maximum discomfort throughout.

It will also be the first time in 19 years that W and I will not be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It will be the first time we have to determine how to share time with N on these holidays. Or what if the separation papers aren't filed by Thanksgiving or filed just a few days before Thanksgiving? I guess then I get to go through the motions of having a happy family Thanksgiving with W as part of it.

Did you know that depression is a huge problem around the holidays? Well, this year I'm just going to exacerbate that problem for my family by ripping the family apart.

I have wondered if it would be better to hold off on this whole thing until the holidays are over. I rejected that notion out of hand, though, because the situation here continues to worsen. W is sullen, doesn't talk to me, is brusque at best with N. I realize that whatever conversation we ever did have was initiated by me. I kind of knew that, but it has become incredibly obvious now that I rarely open a conversation. Several times in the last week N has said things to me about things that W says and does that aren't right. I want to comfort him and tell him that I'm going to ask Daddy to leave, but I can't risk that he'll say something to W that will tip him off. That is a very real concern as N is well known for telling absolutely everything he knows, plus he will expect it to happen right now. So I just tell him that I'm working on making things better, but I can tell he doesn't believe it. I can tell that he thinks that things are just going to continue the way they are. It breaks my heart. As slowly as this process is unwinding, I'm truly trying to make things happen as quickly as possible. At this point, I don't think it can be quick enough for the peace of mind of any of us.

Nobody said life would be easy. Guess what folks? They're right.

Seasonal Poll

This week's poll veers off my favorite subject to one more topical for the season.

Today when we went out for lunch after church (oh yes status quo dictates that I continue to act like the prim and proper good Christian wife for now) the staff at the restaurant were all dressed in costume for Halloween. On Tuesday, at work, we are allowed to wear costumes if we want. Last year I wore a costume. This year I probably won't. So I'm curious. Do you dress in costume for Halloween -- always, sometimes, never? Answer in the poll on my sidebar, and if you have any creative ideas for the lame brains among us (namely me!) please feel free to leave them in the comments.

Weekly Poll Results

Well, here's the results of the latest poll. If you believe that it was pretty much the same group responding this week that responded last week then we are indeed, on the whole, not getting as much sex as we desire. Nobody averages more than once/day although a few said last week that was their ideal. On the other hand, nobody wanted sex less than once/week yet many seem to get it less than that. Yep, pretty much what I had expected. And to the four of you that haven't had sex at all in the last 6 months, I'm so sorry, so very, very sorry. Perhaps we should all (those of us with less than stellar sex lives) have a party at my house and see who we can pair off with whom. ;-)

In the past six months how often, on average, have you had sex? [21 votes total]

More than once/day (0) 0%
Once/day (2) 10%
4-6 times/week (2) 10%
2-3 times/week (4) 19%
Once/week (3) 14%
2-3 times/month (2) 10%
Once/month (1) 5%
4-5 times in the last 6 months (1) 5%
2-3 times in the last 6 months (1) 5%
Once in the last 6 months (1) 5%
No sex at all in the last six months (4) 19%

Wanting Sex Does Not Make You a Pervert

From reading several blogs, and I do tend to gravitate a lot of my reading on those with sexual tensions within their relationships, I have come to the conclusion that there are some of us, several of us, that at least on occasion feel somewhat like perverts just because we want sex.

In the main, the kinds of sex we are asking for is not terribly out of the ordinary. We may not want just pure vanilla sex, although we may, but most of the time I don't read that people are wanting bizarre things. No, we just want sex! And for the most part, we just want it with our significant others.

People, we are not perverts simply because we want sex on a somewhat regular basis. I put forth to you that those who are withholding this most natural and normal human function are more perverted than we.

I would go on, but I've got to get some work done now. Feel free to discuss this in the comments section (she says with no intention whatsoever of being a comment whore).

Top Ten Signs You Might Be Married to the Wrong Man

10. His grown kids from his first marriage tell him that they hope he is a better dad to his next family than he was to them.
9. Nobody from his side or your side of the family is happy the two of you got married.
8. He claims the only reason he had erectile dysfunction with Wife #1 was because of the lack of love between them, and now he suffers the same problem with you.
7. The Viagra keeps disappearing, but you aren’t seeing the benefit of it.
6. You pass him on the road on your lunch hour recognizing not only the car and license plate # but his face in the driver seat, but when you call him later he claims he didn’t go out that day.
5. When you try to kiss him he turns his head so you kiss his cheek, not his lips.
4. When given the choice to go out for dinner or stay home and have sex, or the choice to go out to a movie or stay home and have sex, or the choice to go shopping or stay home and have sex, he never chooses sex.
3. He looks at you like you’ve lost your mind when you try to seduce him.
2. When you stop trying to kiss him, touch him or seduce him, he doesn't even appear to notice a difference.
1. Your son asks if you and he could live someplace without his dad because he doesn’t like the way his dad treats him.

Admittedly, not as funny as Dave's top ten lists. But then my life hasn't been funny for a long time now.

If It's Really So Bad, Why Did I Stay So Long?

This question comes up over and over, and there are various reasons for my staying with W as long as I have.

Here are my reasons. Please keep in mind that I am not trying to say that these reasons are compelling or should have kept me here, but just that these are the reasons as I see them that explain what I was thinking when I wouldn't leave.

1. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. I didn't want to be a divorce statistic.
2. I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake when I married W.
3. I wanted to believe that I could love W into mellowing and changing.
4. Once we had N, I wanted N to be able to grow up in an intact 2 parent family.
5. I was afraid to be independent and to have to take care of myself.
6. I didn't trust myself enough to believe that I was right and W was wrong, ever.
7. I felt bad for W not having anyone else but me to care for him.

Here are my reasons now for leaving. They may, or may not, be better than the ones for staying.

1. Better to be a divorce statistic than married and miserable.
2. I'm finally able and willing to admit that marrying W was a mistake on my part.
3. I couldn't love W into mellowing and changing in 20 years so why should I think he would change now?
4. Better for N to come from a broken home than live in one. He doesn't deserve to be treated in a demeaning way for his entire childhood.
5. I'm still afraid to be independent and take care of myself, but thanks to therapy and anti-depressants I am more willing to face those fears.
6. I now trust that even if I'm not 100% right, I'm also not 100% wrong, and I won't allow myself to be pushed down anymore.
7. W has family members who will be inconvenienced by having to help take care of him in the future, and W will hate having to accept their help. Oh well.

Old Poll and New

Last week's question yielded interesting results. Nobody wants sex less than once a week, but most people want it at least 4 times a week.

Results of the poll in their entirety:

What is the perfect frequency of sex for you? [23 votes total]

More than once/day (4) 17%
Once/day (3) 13%
4-6 times/week (9) 39%
2-3 times/week (6) 26%
Once/week (1) 4%
2-3 times/month (0) 0%
Once/month (0) 0%
A few times per year (0) 0%
Once/year (0) 0%
Less than once/year (0) 0%
Never (0) 0%

Now, if the people who responded to the poll are the same ones with the blogs that I read, I sense that the desire is in conflict with the reality. Which brings us to this week's poll. This week instead of asking about what you want, I want to know what it is that you have. Think about the past six months or so, and let me know what your average frequency of sex has been. My feeling is it will be way lower than this week's results. I know for me I haven't gotten anything close to my desired 4-5 times/week. If memory serves, I think I've averaged about 2-3 times/month in the last six months, and that was a significant increase from the prior couple of years. Hopefully the next six months to a year will bring further increase in frequency for me.

Part II: W Became an Angry Old Man

The longer W and I stayed together the more we grew apart. We both changed.

As W aged, he grew more and more bitter, and more and more angry. He has gotten to the point where he approaches every situation with a chip on his shoulder, sure that whoever he is dealing with and whatever they are dealing with, the other party is going to try to screw him over. So rather than observing the old adage of getting more with honey than vinegar, he spews vinegary comments at customer service reps and the like from the start and then wonders why the service he always gets is so bad. For years I have cringed when he opens his mouth in public feeling that it reflects badly not only on him but on me too. Even if people realize that husbands and wives don’t always agree on things, they clearly can see that I am with him and must be aware of his behavior and tolerate it.

As I aged, I matured some. I no longer thought of it as being very cool to always get my way, but wanted to work out solutions to certain disagreements we had. That was not to be. With W, it’s all or nothing, I win and you lose, or you win and I lose. If I prefer the temperature in the house set to 78, and he prefers 70, then he sets it at 78, or at 70. He does not want to compromise and set it somewhere around 73 or 74. And that’s just one very minor example of many conflicts handled the same way. I also started to see some of those character flaws we had as bad things, things that for myself I wanted to change and wished he felt the same about changing some of his. Of course, he doesn’t feel that way, won’t even acknowledge that they are flaws.

Whenever I have felt that there were problems in our relationship, he disagreed and said that he was perfectly happy. If there’s a problem it is my problem, and I have to work through getting over my problems. Well, hell yes, I’m not perfect and I do need help working through some issues, but then again if one party involved in a relationship feels there is a problem in the relationship and the other thinks the relationship is just fine, who is right?

So instead of splitting up years ago as I probably should have, I stayed. I stayed out of fear, fear of being alone, fear of having to take care of myself, fear of the unknown. Not only that, I made things worse by wanting and, after considerable time, getting a baby. Of course, W acquiesced on this like so many other things. I thought he wanted a baby too. He said he did. Turns out, I found out from him a few months ago, this was one of those times he let me “win.” He feels I deceived him when we were first together because when he told me he could father no more children I told him that I was okay with that. What I meant was we’d find a way around it via donor insemination or adoption or something. Turns out he thought I meant I was okay never having children. Okay, I’ll take the blame on that one. I should have made my point more clearly. However, we never should have had N without both of us being 100% behind the decision, and I had no idea we weren’t because he never told me.

Turns out W and I have completely different ideas on childrearing. If I think a situation should be handled one way W will inevitably think it should be handled some other way. We simply disagree. Many times I just keep my mouth shut and suck it up. However, there are times when he is so mean to N that I can’t. I have to defend my boy and not make him endure the verbal abuse that gets heaped upon him. I have struggled to find a way to provide N with an intact two parent home. W went to counseling with me for a while 2-3 years ago specifically to deal with the childrearing issues. We tried to make things better. We would agree on positions that we would take on issues, and then he would renege and do it his way anyway. He did back off a bit on N for a while and did seem to make some real efforts for a while to fix their relationship. Then he slipped back into old ways and wouldn’t admit that he had nor would he return to counseling.

Shortly after this we found out W was sick, very sick, not-sure-if-he’d-make-it sick. He did make it, and we all hoped that once he was feeling better W would mellow out some and get back to a less grumpy and angry state. Hopes for that were soon dashed after he came home from the hospital. I then hoped that things would get better once he was “fully recovered” and finished with outpatient treatments. No such luck, and things continue to get worse to this day.

For far too long I put on the happy face and tried to make it seem like all was well. I tried to stand beside W and be there for him. I tried to do what I had to do to make it seem like we were the perfect little family. W didn’t and doesn’t. He barks orders at N in front of other people. I’ve seen the looks that people give us. They know W doesn’t treat N well. They know that I don’t stop him so surely I must think what he does is okay. But I don’t. I don’t think it is okay to pummel your son’s self-esteem into the ground. I don’t think it is okay to demand “please” and “thank you” and not use them yourself. I don’t think it is okay to demand to be referred to as “sir” and then refer to your son as “ma’am.” It is demeaning, and it is wrong, and I have stood by quietly and watched for far too long. But no more. I will no longer stand by and let my little boy be crushed under the oppressive weight of this man’s words.

This is what I meant when I said I no longer like W. I really no longer like the angry old man that he has become, and if I’m really deep down honest I haven’t liked him for a very long time.

Part I: W was a Bitter Middle-Aged Man

Emily made a comment on an earlier post of mine that has inspired me to expand on something that I only touched upon in that post.

I said in that post, “I will also always love W but just don’t like the angry old man that he has become.”

When we first met W had the makings of a man who could become an angry old man, but I ignored the signs. He was not, at that time, an angry old man, but he was a man who was bitter over a bad first marriage and bitter over some issues in his childhood that I won’t enumerate here. I knew of his bitterness. I understood that he had every right to be angry with his first wife and angry with himself for allowing it to go on for so long. I understood from the things he told me about his childhood how he could feel bitter about things that had made his childhood different and harder from other people’s childhoods. What I did not understand until later was that this bitterness would not lessen with time, would not mellow but become sharper and angrier as time went by.

What made me fall in love with W was the safety and security I felt around him. With him being so much older than me I felt that he was more solid than men my own age, that he would take care of me. He did many things that made me feel special. We shared secrets with one another that we shared with nobody else. He bent over backwards to make me happy, to do things that pleased me, to acquiesce to my desires over his. He put me on a pedestal. I considered him my best friend because I could tell him anything, and he wouldn’t judge me for it.

Looking back I see several red flags in that last paragraph. At the time, I pushed aside any discomfort I felt. For instance, my expectation that he would take care of me speaks more of a parent-child relationship than a marital relationship. The fact that he would completely disregard his desires in favor of mine is indicative of his all-or-nothing attitude. Either he would give up his way of doing something or insist that it must be done his way. There was never middle ground, never a compromise to be had. At the time I thought he was wonderful to let me “win” on so many things. Now I realize that it was only setting us up for years of building resentment on his part, and an expectation on my part that everything should be my way. He never should have had me on a pedestal for that too indicated a lopsided relationship not the partnership that two people in a loving relationship should have.

At that time, I liked W. I liked that he was fun, easygoing, easy to talk to, easy to walk all over (something I would later understand was not good for either him or me), enjoyed sex and was willing to experiment some in the bedroom. I liked that he wanted to spend 24/7 with me (something I would later hate, but in the early days it was comforting to me to have someone want to be with me every second of every day). I liked W’s character because it was flawed, and it made me feel better about my flawed character to be with someone who I also saw as flawed. He had had many affairs during his first marriage, making me feel more comfortable with my promiscuity with which I had been so uncomfortable. He lied to make himself sound better than he was, something I had also been known to do on occasion. He twisted stories to suit his purposes which was not something I did but something that I actually admired in him at that time thinking how wonderful it was how he could twist things around to his benefit. I was, I am sad to say, fairly misguided as a young adult woman.

When it comes right down to it the thing that I liked most about W back then was the fact that he accepted me just as I was, didn’t try to change me, didn’t tease me about things about which I was sensitive. With W, I was free to just be me, for the most part. As I said earlier, I felt very safe and secure with W.

So what changed? When and how did he (and I) change? Ah, I think this post is getting a bit long. I’ll address these questions in the next installment.

Fantasies and Dreams

BJ and I have talked about dreams we have for our future and fantasies about things we could do (or not) once we’re together.

This past weekend we walked past a realtor’s office, and I noticed a picture of a gorgeous old victorian style house for sale at what to my big city mind is a real steal pricewise. My first thought when seeing it was what a marvelous B&B it would make. Earlier BJ and I had joked about the possibility of using our entrepreneurial spirits to open an adult bookstore somewhere. I thought that adding an adult-oriented B&B would be just the thing to distinguish us from the other adult-oriented bookstores in the area. We spent a while driving around looking at large old houses that looked, at least from the outside, like they would make fine B&Bs. We also decided the little town we were visiting would probably not take kindly to us moving in with such plans. It is fun to fantasize about doing things like this. I know that I don’t come close to having enough knowledge to actually be able to pull something like that off. It wouldn’t be easy to win neighborhood acceptance, wouldn’t be easy to get financing, isn’t easy running a B&B of any kind, not to mention I have no knowledge or experience when it comes to running a retail store of any kind, and certainly not an adult-oriented one. However, it made for a pleasant fantasy for an afternoon.

We’ve also talked about the kind of traveling we would like to do with one another. BJ wants to take me to Paris, to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and gaze out over the city. I love that idea, and if we can ever afford it we’ll go.

I have learned that BJ has limited travel experience and hasn’t seen many of the places I have seen in the US so there are tons of places I want to take him, not the least of which is Disney World in Florida. I can’t believe he has never been although I suppose a lot of people have never been, but it is simply unimaginable to me. In some ways I’m just a big kid at heart and Disney World is just one magical fantasy after another, not to mention the Buzz Lightyear ride is way cool. Also, we’ve talked about taking the train to the east coast sometime, and taking another to the west coast sometime. He’s never been to Washington, DC or New York City or seen the Smoky Mountains. We’ve just got to get him more well-traveled.

Now, if we could just win the lottery or inherit a huge amount of money from some long lost relative we could afford all these trips that we want to take. Anyone reading this who would like to donate to our cause should feel free to contact me. I’m sure we can make arrangements for you to send us whatever amount you feel inclined to donate. It is, unfortunately, not a tax deductible donation, but think how good you’ll feel giving for purely altruistic reasons without regard for the deductibility. Why, it’ll feel even better than your regular tithe to the church.

Hmm, that reminds me of another fantasy of mine – starting my own church. Preaching love and tolerance on TV and having multitudes of people sending me mass quantities of money to fund my lavish lifestyle, er. . . uh. . . I mean, um, fund my philanthropic works throughout the nation and the world. So if you’re still worried about the lack of tax benefit from your donation you could wait for my church. We’ll for sure set it up as a 501(c)(3) so you can donate all you like and reap those tax benefits.

And lest you think I’ve lost my mind go back and reread the title of this entry. That should clear it up for you.

Book Smarts ≠ Common Sense

I have known for a long time that among my greatest assets is my intelligence, and for an equally long time that among my greatest weaknesses is my lack of common sense.

I am keenly aware that too often I indulge my desire to use my brain for more strenuous or interesting activities than keeping up with day to day drudgery like bills and household budgets and such. W has been happy to handle our personal finances, and I have let him. I have no idea what our monthly bills run for anything. I have no idea whether bills are paid on time or not. I have no idea, other than what is automatically directed to my 401(k), how much we are setting aside each month for savings and investing. I used to know these things, back when money was tight and we watched every penny. As things got easier financially I let go. There was no challenge to making ends meet anymore. It was no longer “fun” for me to play with the household budget, to see how to make it stretch to cover things, and I quit. I handed it to W.

Now this is coming back to bite me in the butt in a big way. Among the information that I need to proceed with a legal separation is, of course, in essence a balance sheet and income statement. These should be pretty easy forms for an accountant like myself to fill out. Well, yes, if I have adequate information from which to work, and this is where my stupidity comes back to bite me. I don’t pay the bills. I don’t balance the checkbook. I don’t even look at the bank statements when they arrive. I have been a complete slacker from this standpoint. Last week I went into the office in our house where I think I should find all the financial information I need, but I don’t find it. I have no idea what, if any, filing system W uses. I can’t find paid bills, cancelled checks, bank statements, not even all of our tax filings. I’m screwed.

Now I have to figure out how to find out from W where the information resides without tipping him off to why I need it. This is important because the attorney said to keep quiet about planning to separate until the papers have been filed because we don’t want him hiding assets before the filing happens. So somehow I have to show renewed interest in the family finances without making it appear to be unusual. I guess it's fortunate for me that W had a bit of a health scare last week so I can claim to need to know in case something happens to him. Operation Info begins. . .

So What's Up with BJ and Me?

BJ and I are in love. Not only that, I like BJ a great deal.

I really think for a relationship to work you have to have both elements. It is important to like the other person as a person, to like their character, to appreciate how they handle life, to have respect for them. I know that I can love someone without liking them much. J would be a good example of that. I do still love J and probably always will, but I don’t like a whole lot about him. For that reason, he and I are not a good match. I will also always love W but just don’t like the angry old man that he has become.

On the other hand, with BJ there is a whole lot to like. BJ is kind, gentle, caring, concerned about my happiness, courteous. On the other hand, BJ is passionate, adventurous and a real “bad boy” in the bedroom. To me, that is the perfect combination of traits. For anyone who thinks little things don’t matter, I’ll tell you that some of the things that have impressed me most are little things.
*Like opening the car door for me.
*Like holding my hand when we walk together.
*Like looking me in the eye when I talk.
*Like just letting me cry when I need to cry.
*Like being concerned enough about different preferences to want to work on an acceptable compromise rather than having an all or nothing attitude.
Okay, that last one isn’t such a little thing. That’s a huge thing, but still most of those are little things, little ways of showing a caring spirit. Yes, it’s that caring spirit that impresses me so much about BJ.

Now, don’t think for a moment that I’ve gone all Pollyanna here. Believe me, I understand that BJ and I have more than a few obstacles in our way to being together such as living hundreds of miles apart, and being married to other people, as well as a few other odds and ends. And I understand that we met in a rather unconventional way by reading and commenting on one another’s blogs. And I understand that we spent our first two “dates” in a rather unconventional way since most people don’t spend the weekend in a hotel room together on their first OR second dates. And most of all I understand that I have spent my entire life being unconventional while trying to show the world how conventional I am. And I understand how soul-numbing it has been to try to squelch that unconventional side of me. I am NOT the good girl, never have been, never will be. The term “devil’s mistress” comes to mind. (Much thanks to BJ for bestowing me with that title, btw.)

I know there are some who would love the juicy details about what happens when BJ and I get together. Not gonna happen here folks, at least not right now. Maybe later, when we’ve been together a while and get the webcam set up in the bedroom and can charge you to watch us over the ‘net. Maybe then we will regale you with our adventures. For now, suffice it to say that we enjoy one another’s company. . . immensely.

New Poll on My Favorite Topic

Ok folks, new poll in the sidebar, and will be up until next Saturday.

This one is about the topic that occupies my one-track mind: sex. I wanna know how often other people would ultimately like to have sex.

I have to say that due to recent drought conditions that too much is never enough right now for me. I could go all night and be ready again the next morning (as proven this weekend). However, when I am not suffering under drought conditions probably somewhere around 4 or 5 times a week is perfect for me although I'd settle for a little less or be willing to do a bit more if I was with someone with a different preference from mine (but hopefully not TOO different).

Just as a wild guess I'd say I have more high libido readers than low libido readers so I'm guessing the answers will be skewed some in the direction of more rather than less as opposed to the general population. However, I still believe it will be interesting to see how the vote goes.

Last Week's Poll Results

Surprisingly enough (at least to me) the winner of this weeks poll was that people care enough about me to want to know how I'm doing. I didn't expect that. I also didn't expect anyone at all to pick "It's informative." Who knew? On the other end of the spectrum I expected a higher number to see at as a train wreck, hate to look but can't look away.
As to what people said about other reasons, seems there are some more people out there in similar situations which leads them to read this blog. I guess you could say misery loves company.

Readers' Poll: Oct 7 - 13
Why do you read this blog? Please check all that apply. [29 votes total]


It's entertaining. (6) 21%
It's informative. (1) 3%
It's funny. (2) 7%
It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. (3) 10%
I have nothing better to do with my time. (0) 0%
I'm hooked like it's a soap opera. (6) 21%
I care about the blogger and want to know how she's doing. (7) 24%
I hate the blogger and want to see if she's suffering. (0) 0%
I don't read it and don't even know how I got here. (0) 0%
Other reason (please leave comment explaining) (4) 14%

Haven't thought of a new poll yet, but once I do I'll post one. I've been kind of busy this weekend. . . if you know what I mean, and I think you do. ;-)

Six Months

That's how long this blog has existed, just six short months. A lot has happened in those six months. Looking back, I realize why some readers felt that I was going at breakneck speed, and at times I have been. Yet during these six months I have experienced an enormous amount of self-discovery.

I've discovered that I am not repulsive.

I've discovered that my character isn't all that I want it to be, that I fall back on life strategies that are deeply rooted in my past, and it's taking some amount of effort to change to better strategies.

I've discovered that for years I have suppressed some very negative feelings about my marriage and my husband, and that I have only recently started to be honest with myself about just how bad things really are between us.

I've discovered that it is not good for N to be around an ever more angry and mean father. While there has been no physical violence, W has certainly been quite rude to N and much harsher than necessary. He has even done this in front of other people so there is no question that he thinks he's being perfectly reasonable.

I've discovered that while I perceive myself as weak, I am not in fact weak. I am strong when I choose to be, and I must choose to be strong more often than I have in the past.

I've discovered that I really have a lot of anger that I have to work through. I am very angry and have identified some of the root causes, but not all yet.

I've discovered that nobody will ever GIVE you respect. You must EARN others' respect. I am working to become a person who earns the respect of others.

Yes, it's been a hectic six months. I imagine the next six months will be almost as hard but maybe not quite as hectic. Whatever it brings I'll just keep blogging about it. And maybe I'll even make a few more discoveries along the way.

Moving Forward

Proceeding as per attorney instructions:

1) maintaining status quo on the homefront until filing occurs

2) gathering necessary information for attorney to put filing together

3) figuring out how to come up with payment for attorney without calling attention to it given I have no resources other than joint accounts with W

In addition, I am working on:

1) maintaining sanity while dealing with W and his growing erratic behavior

2) figuring out how to break this news to my family (thinking maybe parents can loan me $$ for attorney until filing occurs, and I don't have to hide it anymore)

3) not getting too anxious about things moving slowly. Slow is good.

New Poll and Results from Last One

I found the results of the last poll interesting. As expected few that visit without commenting actually participated in the poll. Also as expected, those that don't comment for other reasons wouldn't comment to let us know what those reasons are. So here are the results.

Why do you or don't you leave comments on this blog? [21 votes total]

I leave comments because I feel that I have something to add to the discussion. (7) 33%
I leave comments only when I agree with the original post. (0) 0%
I leave comments only when I disagree with the original post. (0) 0%
I leave comments because I care about the blog writer. (1) 5%
I leave comments for another reason. (0) 0%
I do not leave comments because I am shy. (1) 5%
I do not leave comments because I don't wish to offend someone. (1) 5%
I don't leave comments because I don't want anyone to know I'm reading this blog. (4) 19%
I don't leave comments because I'm afraid others will ridicule them. (1) 5%
I don't leave comments for another reason. (6) 29%


You'll see there's a new poll in the sidebar. Please respond if you would. I'm thinking I might make polls a regular thing that I do just because of my curious nature.

A Lighthearted Look

Stole this list from another blog. Just not feeling up to heavy stuff right now so I'm going for fluff.

1. What time is it? 12:39

2. Your first name: True

3. Your birthday: The day Dad mowed the yard for the first time that year

4. Zodiac sign: Taurus

5. Age: 45

6. Any tattoo? Not yet, but someday

7. Have you ever been in love? Absolutely!

8. Did you ever love so much it made you cry? Heck yeah!

9. Pepsi or Coke? Coke

10. Coffee or tea? Coffee

11. Cup or mug? Mug

12. Favorite number: 7

13. Favorite type of music: Depends on my mood, almost everything at some time

14. Flowers: Yellow roses

15. What do you hate in conversation? Those who don't hold up their end of it.

16. Disney or Warner? Disney!

17. Favorite fast food? Onion Rings!

18. A problem: Life

19. Favorite colour: Purple

20. How do you see the future? With BJ

21. Any pets at home? Yes, a dog

22. Which of your friends lives the furthest? All of them in CA

23. Who will also do this questionnaire? Whoever takes a fancy to it.

24. Who will not do this? Whoever doesn't fancy it.

25. What would you change in your life? My impulsiveness and procrastination

26. Do you have a computer at home? Yes, several

27. Favorite CD? Netherlands by Dan Fogelberg

28. First thing you think of when you wake up? BJ

29. How do you see love? As the most wonderful and most giving emotion anyone can have

30. Something that never leaves you? My sense of humor

31. What's under your bed? Dust bunnies and a couple of shoes

32. Say something to the person you got this from: Good luck with your surgery!

33. Who do you think will take this? Karin

34. Who would you like to take this? Anybody that wants to take it

35. What would you say to someone in particular, but never said? I don't like how you lie to get out of tight spots particularly when it hurts someone else.

36. Opel or Seat? HUH?

37. Timid or outgoing? Timid, very very timid (shut up BJ!)

38. Your nickname: Baby, that's as close as I can come 'cause I never really had a nickname but somebody special calls me "baby" often.

39. Spoken languages: English, Español pero un poco solomente (I don't spell well in Spanish so don't hold it against me)

40. Would you like to receive flowers for your birthday? Definitely!

41. What would you like to get for your birthday? A Harley

42. Sweet or Salty? Sweet right now, but I go in phases

43. Favorite place? in bed with someone special

44. Favorite quote? If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

45. Window-shopping or window-screen? window-shopping

46. Your biggest quality? Intelligence and logic

47. Your biggest fault? Lack of common sense

48. Favorite season? Spring

49. What do you like to do? Sex

50. Thank yous? To all the people wasting their time reading this

51. What are you thinking? That I'm glad it's the weekend and the Illini are ahead right now.

52. Food you hate? Brussels Sprouts

53. Country you'd like to visit next? United Kingdom or Australia

54. Little note to people doing this? Hope you enjoy it

55. End time: 12:57

Rattled

Something happened today that really rattled me. It rattled me right to the core of my being.

I was reading a blog and learned that another blogger had died. The author of the blog I was reading had learned of the death the other blogger only because the mother of the one who died was aware of the blog, found certain email addresses of commenters and sent an email informing them of the death. This is a blog that I frequent in my other, more vanilla, persona, not one that the readers of this blog are likely to read also so I hesitate to name blogs here for fear that I spread to much info about my identity.

Many thoughts sprang from reading about this. I will share them here without regard for coherency, or grammar, or flow. Just random thoughts because that is all I can manage for right now.

I read several blogs that have fallen dormant for many months. I have no idea who the bloggers are in real life, no idea if they have chosen to stop blogging, or have died, or have had some other fate befall them. I care about these people to the extent that I have read what part of themselves they’ve chosen to share. I feel a bond. I feel a loss when they stop blogging. I will probably never know what happened to them when the blog entries stopped unless they are indeed well or become well in the future and resume posting. I don’t even know who these people are, can’t track them down, and in many cases nobody would even know I had been reading the blog as I comment on a much smaller number than I read. In the case of some blogs, others close to the blogger may be aware of the blog and may be able to post a final entry in case of a death or major illness/injury. In many cases, though, at least with the blogs I tend to read there is a secrecy around the blog. Only the author knows the author’s identity. Spouses, friends, relatives are completely unaware of the blog’s existence. So if the blogger steps off the curb in front of a bus, the bus manages to stop in time, the blogger continues on his way only to fall in the open manhole on the street and die from head injuries when he falls, I will never know it. I will only know that the blog has gone dormant. I am sad that I will never have some form of closure there.

As a blogger of a secret anonymous blog, how will any of my readers ever know if some ill fate befalls me? I am the sole possesser of my user name and password. I keep this information only in my head to protect it from being found out. I also have several email accounts that, for one reason or another, I use for a limited purpose and so aren’t widely known as mine to those close to me. Again I am the keeper of the password in my head only. What would become of these accounts should I die, and how would those who correspond with me through them ever know of my fate? This is something I now feel compelled to address and determine a way to leave information behind so that information can be put out in case of something happening to me. I just have to figure out the right way to do it.

The biggest issue this brought to my mind is my relationship with BJ. What if something happened to BJ? How would I know? I wouldn’t. I would simply stop receiving emails and phone calls. His blog would fall silent. Here I would be without a good way to find out what happened. Oh sure. I’ve got his cell phone number and his work information. I suppose I could call at his workplace and ask for him under the guise of being a vendor or whatnot. That would at least give me some level of information. But as the secret lover, the other woman, I would have no way to attend his funeral if he were to die, or to be at his side if he were hospitalized for any reason. I would have no right to intrude on any of that and cause disruption to his real family, and I would not even consider doing so. Likewise, if something happened to me I would so want BJ to know. Yet how could he? Ah, this is but one of many perils of a clandestine relationship.

Today I am sad. Sad that someone died that I didn’t even know, yet in some ways knew so very well. Sad that I have no clear way to mourn nor send condolences. Sad with the realization that BJ and I can’t be there for each other at the times when loved ones most want and need to be there for each other. It makes me more determined than ever to extricate me from my current situation so that there is less need to be clandestine, so that my life is more of an open book, so that I am not lurking in shadows and living half-existences and double and sometimes triple lives.

Blah, this has taken a lot out of me. I’m exhausted right now. I simply can’t think about it anymore right now. Back to real life. . .

Nine Things

I have been tagged by Emily. I have been asked to state nine things about myself, weird or otherwise, and then tag six others by leaving a comment on their blogs. So let's see if there is anything at all I haven't already shared here:

1. I love to do cross stitch, but counted only not stamped. I did a very large piece for my brother and sister-in-law for their wedding present with their names and wedding date on it and had it professionally framed. I have no idea what they did with it. It is not on display anywhere in their house. Oh well.

2. I once went to a friend's wedding and he hit on me during the reception. The backstory is that this friend (male) and I had dated a bit in high school, were never serious about one another, but both like fooling around so we became almost-fuck buddies (as in we did everything except fuck). We continued to get together every now and then throughout college. He moved a few hours away after that, and I didn't see him again until his wedding a year or so later. During the reception, he came over to where I was sitting with J, my date, and whispered to me that he'd still love to hook up with me whenever possible and to just give him a call. I never did. He's still married to the same woman over 20 years later.

3. One time a guy in high school offered me $50 to have sex with him. I refused. Little did he know that if he had asked without offering money I probably would have said yes. I didn't want to be a whore, slut okay, but whore no.

4. I drive the car I have now because when I bought it I was working in a very bad part of town with a high crime rate including many auto thefts. I specifically picked a strange looking unpopular model to decrease the risk of theft. Apparently it worked. It was never stolen.

5. When I eat, I eat all of one food before proceeding to the next food on the plate, and I eat in order from least liked food to most liked food always saving the best for last. Also, at home I don't generally have anything to drink with my meal, not even water. I'll drink before or after, but not during. When I'm at a restaurant however I will drink during the meal. Don't know why the difference.

6. I very rarely wear makeup, but when I was out meeting my internet guys I always put on just a little blush, mascara and lipstick, trying to make myself look as good as possible to impress possible hookups. Last weekend when I met BJ I didn't wear any makeup at all. I figured if this turns into a long term relationship he'll see me without makeup way more than with it so he might just as well see the real me from the start. No false advertising for me when dealing with someone I care about.

7. In spite of not wearing much makeup, I spend a lot, or at least I think it's a lot, on keeping my hair looking good. I spend over $100 a month for a cut, color and styling. To me it is well worth it. I really value decent looking hair.

8. I am addicted to the soap opera All My Children and have been since 1977. That's a long time to watch the same TV show. There are only about three characters still there that were there when I started watching. Currently, I find all affair storylines to be particularly poignant. Hmmm, can't imagine why.

9. I will never ever completely trust police officers because of two incidents that happened more than twenty years ago. The first was that a friend of mine was shot in the back by a police officer as he was running away from a crime he committed. Admittedly, he was wrong to have committed the crime, a nonviolent crime by the way. He was wrong to run when the police yelled for him to stop. He didn't deserve to die for it, but the police found a way to get rid of someone they deemed a "problem" in the community. The second was that a friend who worked in a police department (different community from the first incident) was threatened by officers who worked there after they allowed him to know that they kept for their own use part of the drugs they confiscated from people they busted. He was too scared to narc on them because he knew he could never be safe, and that was exactly what they wanted.

And now, to tag six people I choose BJ, Freebird, Mr. Husbland, John from Dad's Life, Stinkypaw, and karin

Rhetorical Questions

How are you supposed to feel when your lover mentions that he and his wife are going out to "celebrate" their anniversary?

How are you supposed to feel when your lover says he should get off the phone now because he needs to have time to stop and pick up flowers and a card for his wife on his way home?

As stated in the title these questions are rhetorical dear reader. You wanna comment, comment about something else on a different post. This post is not open for comments.

Twilight Zone Continued

After N went to bed last night, W and I resumed our places in our version of the Twilight Zone. He had not (as I expected) been able to pinpoint exact days. I told him what I “recalled” about the three incidents in August and September. He claims the Viagra was taken before bed on the occasion of our middle of the night encounter. He says he just had a feeling something might happen that night so he took two before bed. I asked why he took two. He said that he asked the dr. what if one didn’t work, and the dr. said then take two. I commented that it was quite fortuitous that he just happened to take them the very night that I happened to wake up and not be able to fall asleep. His reply: “Yes, I thought so.” Huh? Wow, guess I’m supposed to believe that this is all just a very lucky coincidence, or maybe that he sensed that I would be horny that night, or what other explanation could there be?

No explanation offered for where the third pill might have gone or when it might have been used. I didn’t even ask. After all, with the answers I had gotten so far, what was the point?

I explained to him that if a wife were to go in search of pills for a headache and run across the information that Viagras were missing, and if she was unaware that the pills had been used at all it could lead to her having certain suspicions. He said that yes, he could see that. That’s all he said. Nothing further. No assurances that those suspicions would be unfounded. No denials. Just acknowledgement that he could understand a wife having such suspicions.

He did offer that he didn’t think it was important for him to let me know when he chose to use the Viagra, but that if I wanted him to tell me that he would in the future. I was dumbfounded by this. Of course I would want him to tell me. Shouldn’t this be something that we would talk about? Wouldn’t we discuss that we want to have sex in a little while so why not use some of the Viagra? Doesn’t that make sense? Again I must ask: am I the crazy one here? Am I the only one that thinks that’s how it should be? Well, at least in this relationship I seem to be.

Throughout the entire discussion W was very calm, very at ease, never rattled or angry. W claims to want to make our marriage work, yet he seems hesitant to do the very things that might make it work. It seemed odd to me. Somehow, it made me want to find the movie Gaslight and watch it again. I haven’t seen it in a long time, but I’m thinking maybe I ought to.

All of this made it just a wee bit easier to call a divorce attorney this morning and schedule an appointment for next week.

Lunch with Rod Serling

;lToday at lunch I had the most surreal conversation with W that I’ve ever had. It was truly bizarre. The conversation started innocently enough about some household issues that needed to be taken care of.

I forget how the conversation shifted, but it did, to our relationship and how we have started (oh W, only started?) to drift apart again. I agreed that yes we have. We both acknowledged that even hugs and kisses have become virtually non-existent. Seems he had some time to think while I was away this past weekend and realized that there is a growing divide between us. (you think? Really?) He realizes that he needs to make more of an effort (okay, good realization but haven’t seen you try to follow through). So far this was a relatively reasonable conversation. We had yet to tumble down the rabbit hole into a surreal and bizarre wonderland of disagreement.

And then we tumbled. I admitted to being disappointed in the lack of intimate contact. I asked how long we’ve had the Viagra. About 2 months, he replied (correct). I asked how many we had used so far (thinking he would say none as I hadn’t mentioned the missing ones). He said he wasn’t sure, maybe 2 or 3. I was stunned, surprised by his candor. I asked with whom he used them, and he replied that he used them with me. WITH ME?!?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?

Suddenly we were no longer in wonderland but had transitioned to a place I would call the Twilight Zone (I half expected Rod Serling to walk past and introduce the episode). We proceeded to spend the rest of my lunch break arguing (thank god I was sitting in my car in the parking garage and couldn’t be overheard) about whether or not we have had Viagra-enhanced sex in the past two months. He swears yes. I swear no. He claims he’s going to look at the calendar this afternoon and give me dates when it happened. When I returned to my desk I went back to my blog and looked for any mentions of W and me having sex since he got the Viagra because I have been pretty meticulous at blogging such things. I still say no because what I found was this:

8/13 We had sex (kind of) at my initiation when I awoke in the middle of the night and was unable to sleep
8/30 We had sex (again kind of) upon first waking in the morning
9/9 W claimed that he tried to initiate sex when he came to bed at 1:00 a.m. but I was sound asleep

Now, the first two of those times he had no chance to take it prior to our getting started unless he took it the night before, but he would have had no idea that I was going to initiate anything on either of those occasions so it doesn’t make a lot of sense that he would have. The third one he might have used the Viagra before coming to bed, but if he went to that much trouble wouldn’t he then go to the trouble of waking me to have sex instead of giving up when he found me to be asleep?

He even swears that we talked about him having taken the Viagra while we were having sex. No, now that is just wrong. I know we never talked about it during any of our intimate times. No we didn’t. He insists we did.

One of us is crazy. I hope it isn’t me.

Why does that eerie Twilight Zone theme keep playing in the background?

Keeping in Touch

Just because some of y'all seem to care enough about me to want to keep in touch (can't imagine why that is, but I'm touched that any of you care at all) I thought I'd let you know the ways you can reach me without having to leave a comment on my blog for all to see.

You may now email me at:
mytruself at gmail dot com
It's a new account I've set up just for you dear readers. I may not check it daily so be patient with me. I'll get to it at least every few days.

You may also leave me voicemail (courtesy of www.k7.net) at:
206-350-5526
It's a Washington state telephone number so long distance charges may apply. Also, be aware that in most cases the originating number for the call shows up on the email I get notifying me of the waiting voicemail. If that's a problem for you, don't call, or use someone else's phone!

Feel free to be as candid with me as you want. Don't worry that you'll come on too strong or offend me. I may get defensive, but I do take comments to heart, and I do try to respond back to people. The only type of comments that I will not tolerate are those that make threats against me or anyone else. Threats will be taken seriously and be dealt with through law enforcement and legal channels. Other than that, have at it.

So if you've been dying to tell me something but didn't want the rest of the world to see it, here's your chance. Oh, and one other thing, anything you say off the blog will never be shared on the blog without me getting your permission first. Just so you know.

Hung up on One Little Thing

How important is one little thing, one little detail, to a relationship? That's what I'm struggling with these days. If a relationship is in trouble, but there is still some good in it is it worth working to salvage and at what point do you deem it unsalvageable? If a relationship is new and wonderful, but there is one small piece missing, not a huge piece, but a small piece that feels crucial to you, is it worth trying to make it work? Since no relationship is ever going to be perfect, how do you decide what the deal breakers are versus when you are being too picky? If you've put up with certain things for a long time does it mean that you've given up rights to want it differently ever? Is it better to settle when you've already got history behind you rather than when it is with someone new? Is it better to stay with the known, with all it's flaws, than to jump into the unknown which may have flaws just as bad or worse? Or is it better to make the jump, and work to make the new relationship work? Or would it just be better to give up relationships altogether and join a convent?

I hate my life.

Details from my Weekend

Drove north. Met a man at a hotel. Had dinner. Had a couple of beers. Went back to the hotel.

Next morning we had breakfast. Went to a coffee house. Had pizza and beer back at the hotel room with football on TV, checked email and blogged a bit. Went to dinner. Went back to the hotel.

Slept in this morning. Finally got up in time to check out by check out time. Went to a family restaurant for lunch. Drove home.

What? Those weren't the details you wanted? Hmm, oh well. You can't always get what you want. . . . . . . .