Status Quo

Nothing new to report. All continues as it has been. An uneasy truce has been established, and we all seem to be going our own ways within the new house. It is big so it is relatively easy to find a bit of privacy here and there.

One question though: Why is it that when I am in the bathroom for any reason I am immediately needed by the rest of the residents in the house?

Assorted Ramblings

Some related, some out of left field, just thoughts cluttering up my mind this morning.
• I would love it if we could get just one room fixed up so that it is an oasis from the chaos, just one place to go to rest occasionally in between unpacking and rearranging.
• W has been going to bed at the same time as me (which by the way has been early, latest since he’s been here was 10:30), but he grumbles about getting out of bed when I’m leaving for work at nearly 8:00. Sigh. . .
• Overwhelmed. That’s the overriding feeling I have right now.
• Work is my sanctuary. Thank goodness I love my work. Otherwise I think I’d spiral down into a very dark depression right now.
• I’m working in my mind on how to sit W down and tell him straight out that I want to be here to support him and care for him, but that I want a distinct change in our relationship, that I want to be more independent from him.
• I feel very selfish wanting to have time to myself. I was raised in a household where we did virtually everything as a family so I have no benchmark for what is an appropriate amount of freedom or time alone.
• One of the big questions with which I wrestle is how to balance living up to my obligations vs. requiring or requesting others to live up to theirs.
• I have explained to N about women and monthly periods and so forth. He knows I’m having my period this week so this morning he tells me, “I hope you feel better.” I give him a quizzical look not sure what he’s referencing. “With that monthly thing, ya’ know,” he says. Ahhh. . . “Thanks, N. I’ll be fine.”
• In a perfect world, I could spend my time the way I want. In the real world, I spend my time the way others want. I need to work on reconciling these two.
• In the instinctual “fight or flight” mode, I generally tend toward “flight.” Maybe that’s why running away is sounding so appealing lately.
• N keeps me grounded. If it weren’t for N I’d live my life in a different way. Because of N, I try to at least outwardly live a life as a good example to him.
• What kind of example does it set to stay with W? I’m not sure.

EDIT (12:08 p.m.)
God help me, I just read my horoscope for today:
You might not have patience today for problems brought to you by someone else, yet it may take more energy to avoid the issues than to confront them. Once you are involved, however, it's difficult to know what's real. Even if you want to believe what you hear, it's still tough to accept someone's story without delving a bit deeper. Be careful how far you dig; you may discover more than you want to know.

Home Sweet Home?

Well, that's it. All moved in. Boxes strewn through every room. Furniture still not put back together much less in the right places. However, we are all, the three of us (W, N and me), living in the same house. I need one of those placques that reads "Bless this mess" for that is what we have here, a mess, and more than just the physical one. We are all in an emotional upheaval. We are all physically exhausted. We are all grumpier than grumpy. I alone am also dealing with my period and all the fun that comes with it.

So far we've found two more plumbing issues, and the satellite dish installer couldn't run the cable because of some insulation problem that has to be resolved. The movers did not do all that they were supposed to in bringing things in and setting them up. Many many boxes ended up in the garage rather than the rooms written on the boxes supposedly for distribution to the proper rooms. The movers were in a hurry. On the other hand, the movers took many smoking breaks. Hmm. . . We have also discovered that the upper cabinets in the kitchen are so low that neither the coffeemaker nor the mixer will fit under them.

As far as "Can't we all just get along?" the answer to that is, apparently, no. No, life is not easy. No, we don't agree on many things. No, we are not enjoying each other's company. No, no, no. Anybody ever asks if hell is a real place, I'll tell 'em that it is without a doubt, and I've been there. I am in hell, and as I was taught for so many years in church, once you are in hell you are damned to be there for eternity. It is feeling very much like I am spending eternity in hell.

However, in the good news department, N has already found a buddy around the corner, a boy his age in his grade at his school. Hallelujah. Apparently, N was convinced that since he didn't see any kids roaming the streets of our neighborhood that he was doomed to be friendless. Now he has not only found this buddy, but also two girls across the street a bit older than he. We have also met three of our new neighbors. Seems that we've moved into a very friendly neighborhood. So far the neighbors we've met seem to fall under the "nice and normal" category. So see, it isn't all bad. Not at all. . .

24

Stealing, once again, from All of Her Secrets.

What was on your mind yesterday? Unpacking, missing BJ
What is on your mind today? BJ
Do you like bonfires? Yes
Have you lived up to your parents' expectations? No
Are we more likely to find you in a coffee bar or a nightclub? Coffee bar.
Do you gamble? Rarely
Have you ever ridden a horse? Yes
Do you drink alcohol? Yes
Turn your head to the right -- what do you see? Cubicle wall with floorplan tacked to it
How tall are you? 5'6"
Describe your last date: Other than the times with BJ which aren't exactly really dates, it would have to be going to dinner at Chevy's with V
Do you have rhythm? Yes
What web browser do you use? IE.
What time zone are you in? Central
Do you wear a wristwatch? Yes, when I don't forget to put it on
Are you clumsy or graceful? There's a reason my parents didn't name me Grace.
Do you like to spy on people? Yes
Are football players paid too much? Well, in a free market economy I suppose not as it is all about supply and demand. However, there does seem to be some sticky moral/ethical issue involved particularly when you see children starving in poverty while football players drive around in their big SUVs, wasting money on booze, drugs and gambling.
Does time always kill pain? Definitely not
First kiss? 8th grade, Tom, on my front porch
Are you complicated? Without a doubt
Do you believe in heaven? Yes
Are you free with your feelings? Yes, sometimes too much so
How much money do you have in your wallet right now? I'm down to just a little bit of coinage, no paper money right now

A Moment of Silence Please

When All Else Fails, Post a Meme

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be? BJ
When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Always
In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? Listener in the corner mostly, but talker if you approach and get me started.
Do you take compliments well? No, but I'm working on it.
Are you an active person? About as active as a sloth.
If abandoned alone in the wilderness, do you survive? Not for long.
Do you like to ride horses? Love it!
Did you ever go to camp as a kid? I went to Girl Scout camp.
What was your favorite game as a kid? Monopoly
A sexy person is pursuing you, but you know that he/she is married, would you? Well, I guess if I said "No" we'd all know I was liar, wouldn't we?
Are you judgmental? Yes, more than I want to be.
Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Depends on just how different.
Do you like to pursue or be pursued? Yes. Oh, did they mean that to be and either/or question?
Use three words to describe yourself. Logical, shy, unique.
If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind? That's a tough one. Probably deaf because I think I would find it easier to learn sign language than braille.
Are you continuing your education? No, but I'd like to.
Do you know how to shoot a gun? Yes.
If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you tried to save? If we mean people then N. If we literally mean thing assuming the people are safe then I would say my high school yearbooks. I would pick them because I was on the yearbook staff and was even co-editor my senior year so they are very special to me.
How often do you read books? Geez I used to read several books a week, but as I've grown older with more responsibilities I'm probably lucky to read half a dozen a year. Sad, very sad.
Do you think more about the past, present or future? I tend to spend too much time in the past.
What is your favorite children's book? The Velveteen Rabbit
Have you kissed any of your MySpace friends? Since I have no MySpace account I have no MySpace friends, but I suppose if I did I would've kissed some of them. Who knows?
How tall are you? 5’6’’
Where is your ideal house located? In a small town within walking distance of the grocery store and post office and school.
Boxers, briefs, thongs, panties, or grannies? Granny panties. It's all about the comfort factor.
Last person you talked to? BJ
Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Nope.
When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? Umm, I think it was when W and N were up here over spring break. I don't think I've been there since then.
What are your keys on your key chain for? Car, houses, mailboxes, safe deposit box.
Where was the furthest place you traveled today? 4 miles to the mall after calling a store and being assured they could help me. Turns out they couldn't.
Where is your current pain at? Well, I'm a bit pained by the poor grammar in this question. Physically however it would have to be my shoulders.
Do you like mustard? Spicy brown yes, dijon yes, plain yellow not so much.
Do you prefer to sleep or eat? Eat.
Do you look like your mom or dad? I have some features from both.
How long does it take you in the shower? 15 minutes if I'm not shaving my legs.
Can you do a split? Not since I was in junior high.
What movie do you want to see right now? The new Pirates of the Caribbean. Johnny Depp, mmmmmmmm.........
Do you put lotion on your dog or cats? Excuse me? Are there really people that do that?
What did you do for New Year's? Nothing.
Do you think "The Grudge" was scary? Is that a movie?
What was the cause of your last accident? Clumsiness.
How much money do you have on you right now? That would be none.
What are you drinking? Nothing, I'm on the computer. No drinks near the computer. No, no, no.
Was your mom a cheerleader? Yes, as a matter of fact, she was.
What's the last letter of your middle name? E
Who did you vote for on American Idol? I've never watched it so I've never voted.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night? 6-7
Do you like Carebears? No.
What do you buy at the movies? Ticket. Sometimes popcorn. Rarely a drink.
Do you know how to play poker? Yes, but I don't play often.
Do you wear your seat belt? Always.
What do you wear to sleep? T-shirt or nothing or nightgown, depending on who is sleeping with me.
Anything big ever happen in your hometown? Depends which hometown you mean -- we lived in several towns that I consider to be my hometowns.
How many meals do you eat a day? Three.
Is your tongue pierced? NO. Never will be either.
Do you always read MySpace bulletins? I don't even know what a MySpace bulletin is.
What's you favorite NFL team? Rams
Do you like funny or serious people better? People who have a good balance of both.
Ever been to Vegas? Yes, a few times.
Did you eat a cookie today? No, not today.
Do you use cuss words in other languages? No.
Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? I have never downloaded music which I suppose makes me something of a Luddite.
Do you hate chocolate? Why would anyone hate chocolate? Chocolate's never hurt anybody.
What do you and your parents fight about the most? Nothing now, but my weight was the big thing before I cut off all discussion of that area.
Is anyone mad at or irritated with you right now? Oh, I'm sure someone is.
Do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas Day.
What's your favorite preparation for eggs? Omelette with lots of veggies, cheese and salsa to hide the egg flavor.
If you could have any job what would it be? It would be something related to Illini athletics.
Are you easy to get along with? Unless you're an idiot.
What is your favorite time of day? Late night.
Who was your best girlfriend/boyfriend? BJ
Who do you hate? Really hate? Can't think of anyone.
Would ever date your first love again? Probably.
Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Yes, guess I shouldn't given that I'm married, but I do.
Current mood? Apprehensive

What Does This Tell Me?

I dread tomorrow. I dread W moving up here to be with me. I dread having to deal with him face to face day in and day out.

Yet I feel an overwhelming crushing guilt that I feel this way. I feel awful that I am letting him move up here with me, that I am continuing in this sham of a marriage. I feel awful that I didn’t have the guts to go through with the separation and divorce a few months ago. I feel awful that to tell him now would mean that I’ve uprooted him once again, moved him up here only to boot him out. I can’t do that. That would be reprehensible. He deserves better treatment than that. I feel trapped in a trap that is clearly of my own making.

I lived in a fantasy world these last 3+ months, on my own, as though I were single, and I loved it, absolutely and unequivocally loved it. I don’t want to let it go. I don’t want to go back. As pathetic as it sounds I would almost rather stay in my little rental place with all its barebones trappings than to move to my nice new house with him.

How can I give back my newfound freedom? How can I go back to married life now, especially with a man I barely even love anymore? Yet that is where I’m headed tomorrow. My new life ends tomorrow, and my old life resumes right where we left off.

Can’t we stop time? Today. Just not let tomorrow come? Please. . .

Lingering Resentment

Don’t think I’ve told this story here before. I looked in my archives and don’t find it. It is a story of two things that happened 8-10 years ago. Both incidents happened prior to N coming into our lives. Both incidents hurt me like they happened yesterday. I am writing it here just to memorialize them and hopefully put them out of my mind because I know they are recorded somewhere not to ever be forgotten. Maybe I can let go this way. Maybe I can move beyond the resentment. Maybe not.

Incident #1
TS must have surgery to remove her very diseased gall bladder (memories jogged by reading Unspoken Drama’s blog recently). W takes TS to the hospital and stays with her as she signs in, changes into the always fashionable hospital gown, and has an IV inserted (a 45 minute nightmare unto itself, but I’ll spare you the details). As the nurse takes TS to the OR she tells W where the waiting room is and points the way. At that time he asks how long TS will be in surgery. When given the amount of time he replies that he’ll have time to leave and come back (first TS heard that he wouldn’t be sitting at the hospital waiting while TS has surgery). TS is a little stunned and hurt, but is being ushered into the OR so she says nothing. When TS awakens from surgery, W is by her side where he stays for a couple of hours before leaving for the evening because he promised he would go help some friends. TS spends a blissful evening and night in the hospital drugged to the hilt on Demerol (gotta tell ya’ Demerol is da’ bomb). The next morning TS is denied any more Demerol and is switched to Vicodin which does nothing for the pain, but adds stomach upset to the rest of the pain. TS is not happy. W shows up around 11:00 a.m. as TS must be out by noon or apparently her hospital bed would turn back into a pumpkin according to hospital administrators. W drives TS home, paying no mind to her complaints that going over bumps too fast increased her pain. W gets her home, tucks TS into bed, makes sure she has the newspaper, the TV remote and a glass of water. W is not seen, nor does he call to check on TS until after 6:00 that evening. W does not understand why TS is unhappy that he left her at home alone for several hours. After all, she needs her rest. TS brushes away the tears and realizes that her recovery time of one week is going to be a very lonely time. Turns out she is right. Keep in mind that W at this point was already retired and had no job and no child making any demands on his time. He simply chose to go help out at a friend’s business, work for which he was not paid. But it was important. His friend needed him. Apparently more than his recovering wife did.

Incident #2
Leaving her weekly Bible study, TS takes a very bad fall in the parking lot, tripping on a curb, flying slow motion through the air, thinking “I can’t say ‘Oh shit’ in front of these fine Christian ladies.” Upon landing hard on her knee, TS pooh poohs all the concerned ladies telling them she is fine, just fine even though she knows she is close to tears and in great pain. Mostly TS is pissed off that she just ruined a perfectly good pair of pantyhose because pantyhose aren’t cheap. TS gets up and limps to her car all the while protesting that she is just fine, and she smiles to her Bible study friends as she drives away. At the time, W has a pager but no cell phone. However, there is a car phone in the car TS is driving that night. She pages W using their prearranged code of 911 plus her number to let him know she urgently needed him. TS wasn’t sure she’d be able to manage the steps going up to their house by herself, and she knew he was at another of his get-rich-quick-fly-by-night-scheme meetings. She figured getting her and her ailing knee into the house would take priority. She figured wrong. W didn’t call back. Maybe, TS thought, he didn’t get the first page so as she neared their house she paged again. After sitting a few minutes in the car in the driveway TS decided she’d better see if she could get herself into the house by herself. Her knee had started to swell tremendously, and she had much difficulty putting any weight on it. She sat on the steps to the house and scooched herself up backwards to the door. She then pulled herself up so that she could unlock the door, hobbled into the house, back to the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. TS continued to page W, about once every 15 minutes, wanting him to come home and assist her, and also to stop at the drugstore for a few things she felt she needed to tend to her knee. He never called her back. Eventually, late in the evening W came home and found TS on the bed, still dressed, with her knee propped up on a pillow. TS’s knee was approximately twice its normal size. TS asked if he’d gotten her pages. Yes, he said he had but he had been busy in the meeting and couldn’t leave. TS wondered out loud why they had come up with a coded system for pages if even the urgent code would be ignored. W didn’t respond. TS wondered out loud if W thought that she abused the coding system by labeling this as an urgent situation. W didn’t respond. W helped TS undress for bed and get up to use the bathroom. He then offered to take her to the doctor the next day if she wanted him to. If she hadn’t been so incapacitated TS probably would have come back with an answer to the negative, but feeling that she wouldn’t be able to drive herself she agreed. It took six weeks for TS to fully recover from the crushed bursa in her knee and to this day she still suffers from occasional bursitis because of it. TS also still suffers from the knowledge that W cared less about her than one of his many money-making schemes that never made any money.

Okay, there they are; two incidents years ago. I still resent how I was treated both times. I’m trying to let it go. I’m trying to get over it, but the following thoughts always linger in the back of my head,
“Will next time be any different?”
“Do I expect too much?”
“Do other husbands and wives treat their spouses this way?”

In counseling he has said that those incidents are long ago, that he wouldn’t treat me that way again. He seems to think that I should accept that those things are in the past, long gone, that he can’t change what happened. No he can’t change what happened, but he could give me some indication that he would do things differently now rather than defending his past actions. He could admit that treating me that way exhibits a certain callousness. Yet he sticks to his defensive stance, his position that everything turned out okay in the end so it is no big deal. Maybe it’s not. Maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe everything really is all okay. Maybe those are pigs I saw flying by just now.

Kiss and Tell

I LIED.

Yes, in the last post I said I had nothing to post. I was wrong. I read BJ's latest post, and it inspired me. So there.

BJ and I have always skirted the details of our sex life together in both our blogs, but I’ve decided that it is now time to reveal the dirty details.

Imagine with me, if you will, a small one room rental cottage. The choices for bedtime activities are a twin bed or a sagging sofabed. The twin bed looks mighty narrow, not the prime choice for two rather amply sized people. The sofabed, while sagging is at least wide enough to accommodate. Now, I must tell you about this sofabed. The mattress is new, and yet it is not in any way comfortable. It is helped by an extra folding foam mattress that has been used for camping in the past. We put that on top of the sofa’s mattress. It helps, but (and maybe it’s because I’m a princess) I can still feel the steel crossbars across my back. So the bed is outstretched, sheets are applied, the participants get in bed. Now, when I say get in bed, I do mean IN bed. We both roll towards the low point in the mattress, the middle. It is good for snuggling at least. It is not good for changing positions, rolling over or getting up. Once we are there, in the middle, snuggled up against one another, we better hope we’re comfy because moving around is a monumental challenge. We are like bugs on our backs, stuck, and flailing, and eventually, like the bug, we manage to flip ourselves over. It’s tiring. It’s funny. I’m sure it would be hilarious to watch. Yet we proved over and over that where there’s a will there’s a way. We managed in that funky, sagging, pathetic bed to enjoy each other’s company very much. Very, very much. . .

So there it is: the dirty little secrets we’ve kept hidden from the world. Now you know about our most intimate encounters. Hot stuff, huh?

Apparently Spending Time with BJ Drains Me

I have nothing to post here, not a thing, nada. Never let that stop me though so while I was browsing other blogs I found this at All of Her Secrets. It seemed like a good thing to appropriate for my own use.

1. When you’re home alone, do you still close the door when you use the restroom?
No, not even when I'm not home alone unless there are guests in the house
2. If you have to go grocery shopping, would you rather go alone or with someone?
Definitely alone
3. You win the lottery. Lump sum or small payments over a period of time?:
Lump sum
4. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?
Depends on my mood
5. Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person?:
Beach, without a doubt, because snowy mountains are too dang cold
6. When do you brush your teeth?:
In the morning after my shower
7. Would you rather stay home all day, or be out and about with some friends?:
Mostly stay home
8. Are you more likely to be with a large group of people or a few close friends?
A few close friends
9. If money were not a problem, where would you like to live?:..
Either Puerto Rico or Maui
10. Are you a good math person?
Yes, I've always loved math although I pretty much hit the wall at calculus
11. A weekend in Las Vegas or Miami?:
Either one, they're both great in their own way
12. Is there anything you would change about your body if you could?:
Yes
13. Have you ever smoked?
Yes, from senior year in high school until I was 26
14. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Coffee, diet soda, water
15. What were you doing @ 11 PM last night?
Sleeping

JANUARY
1. Who kissed you on new years?
Nobody
2. Did you have a new year’s resolution this year?
Not really
3. Does it snow where you live?
Oh yes
4. Do you like hot chocolate?
Of course
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
No

FEBRUARY
1. Who was your Valentine?
BJ
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class?
Absolutely

MARCH
1. Are you Irish?
No
2. Do you wear green on St. Patty’s Day?
Yes
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007?
Nothing special

APRIL
1. Do you like the rain?
No
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year?
No
3. Do you love the month of April?
Yes

MAY
1. What is your favorite flower?
Bearded iris
2. Is there anything special about May to you?
My brother's birthday, end of school, several times I've moved in the month of May

JUNE
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school?
1979
2. Are you doing anything fun during this month?
No
3. Have a favorite baseball team?
Chicago Cubs

JULY
1. What will you do on the Fourth of July?
Go see the fireworks
2. Are you going on any vacations during this month?
Don't know yet

AUGUST
1. Doing anything special at the end of summer?
Probably not
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘06?
Meeting BJ
3. Did you go to the beach a lot?
No, I live in the middle of the frickin' country, no beaches, just lots of farmland

SEPTEMBER
1. Will you be attending college/school?
I would like to go back, maybe, but probably not this year
2. Do you like fall better than summer?
No, I really love hot weather

OCTOBER
1. What was your last Halloween costume?
Crazed Illini fan (okay, it wasn't much of a stretch)
2. Who’s birthday is during this month?
My wonderful son, N

NOVEMBER
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving
Mostly stay home or go on vacation trips
2. What are you thankful for?
BJ being in my life
3. Do you love stuffing?
Of course, what's not to love?

DECEMBER
1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
Yes
2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
Yes, N insisted on having mistletoe last year, and he gave me several kisses under the mistletoe
3. Get anything special last year?
No
4. What do you want this year?
Gosh, that's just too far away for me to even know yet

Been a While Since I Stole a Meme

So I thought I'd take this one from Serenity who took it from All of Her Secrets. I actually answered these last night, but was so sleepy at the time I wanted a chance to review the answers for coherency before posting.

1. How old will you be in five years? 51
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? N and W
3. How tall are you? 5'6"
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? BJ coming back to town for a job interview
5. What's the last movie you saw? Shrek the Third
6. Who was the last person you called? N and W
7. Who was the last person to call you? BJ
8. What was the last text message you received? an explanation from BJ a week ago about why he couldn't call me (i don't do texts often)
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? W
10. Do you prefer to call or text? Given the whole phone phobia thing, text I guess
11. What were you doing at 12am last night? sleeping
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? Married
13. When is the last time you saw your mom? Late April, on my birthday
14. What color are your eyes? hazel, blue, green -- depends who you ask and what i'm wearing
15. What time did you wake up today? 7:00 when N crawled in bed next to me, rolled over and woke for real around 8:00
16. What are you wearing right now? denim shorts and beige shirt
17. What is your favorite Christmas song? all of them
18. Where is your favorite place to be? in BJ's arms
19. Where is your least favourite place to be? outside in a thunderstorm
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? either Great Britain or Australia
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years? don't know, can't predict the future
22. Do you tan or burn? burn, burn, burn
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? burglars
24. What was the last thing that REALLY made you laugh? BJ
25. How many TVs do you have in your house? 1 in my rental place, 2 at the regular house
26. How big is your bed? twin in my rental place, queen at the regular house
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? yes
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? with if I'm by myself, without when I'm with BJ
29. What color are your sheets? Stripes of blue, green, purple, and white
30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 1 or 2 if I'm sleeping with someone else, 4-6 if I'm by myself
31. What is your favorite season? Spring
32. What do you like about fall? Falling leaves, pumpkin pie, Thanksgiving with family and/or friends
33. What do you like about winter? Christmas, hot chocolate, a roaring fire in the fireplace
34. What do you like about the summer? warmth, sunshine, long days
35. What do you like about spring? new life, flowers, leaves on the trees, baby animals, my birthday
36. How many states/provinces have you lived in? 4
37. What cities/towns have you lived in? OMG, if I were to actually list all of them the list would be a mile long, if we limit it to places i lived six months or more there would be 13, but if I listed them all it would be akin to telling you my exact identity which I'm not about to do
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? bare feet! definitely bare feet!
39. Are you a social person? yes and no, shy as the dickens but love nothing more than to throw a party
40. What was the last thing you ate? DQ Strawberry Cheesequake Blizzard
41. What is your favorite restaurant? Cardwell's
42. What is your favorite ice cream? chocolate peanut butter cup
43. What is your favorite dessert? chocolate brownie sundae
44. What is your favorite kind of soup? lentil
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? strawberry or grape
46. Do you like Chinese food? Yes, if it isn't too oily
47. Do you like coffee? Yes, can't start the day without it
48. How many glasses of water a day? not enough
49. What do you drink in the morning? Coffee
Where the hell did 50. go?
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Yes, sprawled across the whole thing
52. Do you know how to play poker? yes
53. Do you like to cuddle? yes!
54. Have you ever been to Canada? nope, not even once
55. Do you have an addictive personality? terribly
56. Do you eat out or at home more often? out too often, need to change that
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? personally no, but i know several celebrities with my birthday, and the father of one of my internet friends
59. Do you want kids? yes, I longed for them, that's why we adopted N
60. Do you speak any other languages? No mucho, pero Espanol un poco
61. Have you ever gotten stitches? Yes
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes, it was lovely NOT
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? pool
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats? Aisle when my weight is up (like now) window when I'm thinner
65. Do you know how to drive stick? not well, but I can if I absolutely have to
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? home decor
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? yes
68. What is your favorite TV show? Daytime -- All My Children, Reality -- Big Brother or Amazing Race, Drama -- Boston Legal
69. Can you roll your tongue? Yep
NO 70 EITHER (why not?)
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? sometimes
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone? Bad to the Bone
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? Nope
74. What red object is closest to you right now? bedspread
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? of course
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? closed, can't even imagine why you'd leave them open
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? umm, I guess I'd stand a better chance against the bees, I guess. . .
NO 78 (well why not?)
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? well if it's real chicken I wouldn't eat it at all, if it's a veggie chik nugget then BBQ sauce
80. What is your favorite food? chocolate
81. Can you change the oil on a car? no, wouldn't even know where to start
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? nope, not one
83. Have you ever run out of gas? never ever
84. What is your usual bedtime? 11:30 p.m.
85. What was the last book you read? Dear me, I've been so bad about finishing books lately. I have about six that are half read
86. Do you read the newspaper? yes
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? yes
89. Do you watch soap operas? down to only one, All My Children
90. Do you dance in the car? no, but i often play drums on the steering wheel and sing at the top of my lungs. You don't think that has anything to do with why people stare do you?
91. What radio station did you last listen to? the local NPR station, as usual
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you? N
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper? phone # of painter
94. What is your favorite candle scent? I hate candles
95. What is your favorite board game? Risk
SOMEONE ABSCONDED WITH 96 AND 97
98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Mr. Clinton, he was great, used to throw chalkboard erasers at people who talked in class
99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent? not sure, but I know it was at least one week

BJ, You Most Certainly Have

Picnics, Painters, Plumbers, Passion, and Possibilities

BJ and I are having a wonderful time. This evening we enjoyed a wonderful picnic dinner. It was very relaxing, sitting on stone steps, enjoying our leisurely dinner and bottle of wine. It capped off a very pleasant couple of days together.

The painter of the new house is frustrating the daylights out of me. First he called earlier this week to tell me that the water is off at the house and that when they are finished they need the water turned on to clean up. I explained that if they were to turn the water on before the plumber finished fixing the leak in the pipes they would flood the kitchen. So he agreed not to turn on the water. The plumber agreed to get out there and finish up and get the water back on. Yesterday the plumber calls, says he's got it all fixed, but he has turned the water back off as that is their policy with unoccupied houses. Okay, so I go out and turn the water on only to find out the painter is already finished and wants to know how to get the key to the house back to me. We arrange for him to drop it in the mailbox (you have to have a key to open the mailbox to get the mail out) so I can pick it up this evening. When I went over it wasn't there. Sigh. . .

Anyway, in spite of dealing with all that while BJ has been here, we've managed to have some good times with lots of passion. I don't really share details here of our escapades, but let's just say that we particularly enjoyed 10:30 last night, 2:45 in the middle of the night and 6:15 this morning. Ah yes, plenty of passion to be had here.

As for the possibilities, BJ has an interview coming up for a job in this area. Had the hiring manager been in the office today he would've had the interview today. However, the hiring manager was not in so he'll have to wait until next week for a telephone interview. How wonderful it would be to have him here rather than 400 miles away. The future just gets closer all the time. . .

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

for a visit with BJ.



{locks door}


{closes blinds}


{pulls curtains closed}

It truly is a beautiful day.

Ah, Love

Thoughts of love are right at the forefront as I anticipate BJ's arrival later today. It may be a while before we have another chance to be together once W and N move up here too. My freedom will be severely curtailed at that point. And yes, I know that some think I should just make the break from W. Some think I should stay with W and make the break from BJ. Some think I should stay with W and keep BJ on the side. The thing is none of these is a great option from one perspective or another. So for now, I'm just going to put my blinders on and enjoy the next three days with my lover. All the while with cheesy love songs like these running through my head.



You Take My Breath Away

Warning: This Post is So Sweet Diabetics Should Avoid It

Excerpts from today's email exchange:

TS:
Good morning! Just one more day! Just one! I’m so excited I could almost burst.

BJ:
Good morning!! That's right, one more day! I can't wait to be with you again.

TS:
. . .anything you’d like me to get when I go grocery shopping tonight?

BJ:
At the store: Samuel Adams Brown Ale or Boston Lager, wine, cheese & crackers for the picnic, and whatever else you want.

TS:
Thanks for the suggestions for the grocery list. I’ll definitely get stuff together for an awesome picnic. So many, many thoughts whirling in my head as to things we can do and places we can go while you’re here. . .

BJ:
Yes, I want to have your cooking again, and the picnic sounds good. Chocolate is good too for the list. Very sexual food. I have a whirlwind of thoughts about us too baby. Things I want to do with you.

TS:
Mmmmm, chocolate. Any preference as to form of chocolate? Should I bake brownies? Chocolate chip cookies? Buy chocolate ice cream? Chocolate candy? What kind of chocolate would you like darling man? Or should I just dip myself in chocolate and serve myself to you? Hmm?

BJ:
All of the above. ;-) Brownies, cookies, ice cream........and you dipped in chocolate too........oh yeah ;-)

Candy too.....peanut butter cups, hershey's, russell stover.......and you.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

TS:
{rolling eyes, but smiling}

BJ:
Grinning ear to ear devilishly..........

You can breathe a sigh of relief. He'll be on the road much of tomorrow so you won't have to live through more emails regurgitated here.

Day in the Life

Excerpts from yesterday's email exchange between BJ and me. Feel free to say "Awwww...." at the appropriate times.

TS:
Good morning darling. I hope you slept better than I did. I was awake from about 4:40 or so.

I wrote a blog post this morning that I had no intention of writing. However, after reading my horoscope this morning, it had such eerie connections to things going on that I just had to write about it, including some things you and I have been discussing recently. Now I really must get to work since I've got to get all my work done in three days this week since I have special plans later in the week!

BJ:
I read it already. I agree, your horoscope is very eerie to say the least. The 400# gorilla cannot be ignored forever.

You've got special plans? Cool. Sounds like it could get hot this week. ;-)

TS:
Wow, you're up and have read it already? My goodness. Hope the daily getting up for school drama wasn't the cause of you being up so soon.

Yes, I have special plans with a special someone. I'm sure it will be getting hot later this week. Sweaty too. ;-)

BJ:
"Hope the daily getting up for school drama wasn't the cause of you being up so soon."
Oh no, not at all......*rolls eyes and takes a deep disgusted sigh*

Hot and sweaty? Wow. Sounds like a very lucky guy. :)

TS:
I'm so sorry sweetie. I promise not to wake you in such a harsh way. My ways can be very, very gentle. . . and pleasing. . . or so I'm told.

He may be a lucky guy, but I'm the truly lucky one to have someone as wonderful as he is.

BJ:
Oh yeah I have heard that your ways in bed can be very arousing. God, something tells me that this guy is gonna rock your world. I just have that feeling, even from afar.

TS:
So you've heard good things about me, eh? Gotta tell ya' he and I rock each others' worlds every time we're together. I just can't get enough of him.

BJ:
Yeah, somedays he doesn't stop talking about you. Great things too. He can't get enough of you. I know that for a fact. But I can tell this is different for him. He feels totally unlike he's ever felt with a woman. He keeps telling me you are the one for him. And you know what? I believe him. You are so good for him. I can see it everyday.

But can you please get him to stop talking about all the weird things he'd love to do with you? I mean it's getting embarrasing. ;-) He needs to control himself. You must really have cast a spell on him. :)

TS:
Oh my, he doesn't stop talking about me, eh? Well, I'm at least glad he says good things about me. I can't get enough of him either. I do believe that he and I were meant to be together. We truly are soul mates.

Hey I can't get him to stop talking about all he'd love to do with me, and I wouldn't want to! He needs less control, not more. He needs to set himself free to enjoy life to the fullest! And so do I. And that spell that's been cast? That's called love.

BJ:
Yes, I believe you two are soul mates as well. He is head over heels in love with you. That is obvious to me. But you don't understand. Whenever he starts talking about all those things he wants to do to you he gets a very depraved look in his eyes. Very depraved. ;-)

TS:
Nothing wrong with a little good old fashioned depravity now, is there? ;-)

BJ:
Omg.......gasp........at first I thought you would be the one in trouble being the object of his depraved degrading desires but now I'm not so sure it's not he who has to be careful. ;-)

TS:
Ah, who knows what deep dark thoughts lurk in the hearts of women? He'll be lucky to leave here later this week with all his faculties intact if I allow him to leave at all. Maybe you ought to warn him. . .

BJ:
I certainly will. God help his soul. I think he's a goner. ;-)

Ain't we just too cute for words?

Sorry, getting a little sappy as BJ's visit draws closer.

Anybody Wanna Discuss That 400 Lb Gorilla?

Given events of this past weekend, today's horoscope seems particularly pertinent right now:

Something is just not the same as it was, and your worry is gnawing away at you. Your tendency to avoid change can be detrimental now, for you will be better off if you are willing to try something new. Fortunately, once you let go of your fear, this transition won't demand a lot of effort on your part. Continue to look forward to the future, but don't get caught up in the drama of the present moment.

Over the weekend, it was clear to me that something is just not the same as it was. There was a really weird vibe between W and me, the kind of vibe I have gotten before when there is something ominous he wants to discuss but is holding back. So yes, I would say my worry is gnawing away at me. I keep waiting to hear what it is that has the tension so high.

The only thing he said to me to give me any indication of what's going on was on Saturday morning when he said that he gets nervous every weekend when I come home to LOH because he anticipates that I will tell him it's all over. What a perfect opening, a perfect time to say you are right, it is, goodbye. But I didn't. I didn't say a word. I let the moment pass in awkward silence. Your tendency to avoid change can be detrimental now, for you will be better off if you are willing to try something new.

Fortunately, once you let go of your fear, this transition won't demand a lot of effort on your part. Wow, if I could really believe that, if I thought that if I let go of my fear of splitting with W that the transition wouldn't require herculean effort on my part to deal with the emotional fallout this would be so much easier. Interesting, too, is how often lately BJ and I have discussed how the fireworks of ending it all with our respective spouses would be short lived compared to the long term result of he and I being able to be together. Continue to look forward to the future, but don't get caught up in the drama of the present moment.

We've also discussed how we've not been as careful as we could be to not get caught. Either of our spouses at any time could look at the cell phone bills and see very quickly one number on each bill that appears almost daily sometimes several times in a day. Would this not spark some question in their minds? Have they already seen it and chosen to ignore it? Do they not want to know? And yes, I know, so far we've both taken the chicken shit way out of leaving "careless" clues so that we don't have to directly confront the issue. We've made it so that maybe, just maybe, our partners will put two and two together and be the ones to confront it. Maybe we are all, all four of us being the world champion avoiders by choosing to not address the 400 lb gorilla in the room. Your tendency to avoid change can be detrimental now, for you will be better off if you are willing to try something new.

Today's horoscope is going to echo through my head throughout the day and maybe longer. . .

Interesting Results

Well, for the last month the following poll appeared in my sidebar:

I must say that I am quite pleasantly surprised by the results. Now, of course, being the cynic that I am I'm pretty sure that not all the "yes" answers are genuine. I believe that it is easier to answer "yes" to an academic question than if I were standing in front of you expecting you to follow through on your answer. However, even if half the answerers wouldn't actually go through with it, I'm still left feeling quite desirable. Thank you dear readers for that little boost to my self-esteem.

Heard This on the Way Home Tonight

It reminded me, as if I needed reminding, of how much I miss BJ.

Far Away (Album Version)
Nickelback
Lyrics - All The Right Reasons :.


This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

Evolution

So the young woman went out into the world with a self-image of unworthiness, ugliness, that of being an outcast. She had picked on herself so much that she now believed all those things about her. After all, it seemed that everyone else saw her that way so why shouldn’t she?

It was this low self-image that contributed to her marrying who and when she did. She felt that she would be lucky if she could ever find even one man willing to love her enough to make her his wife, and that if she were to find one she darn well better snap him up. And she did.

Years went by. Years when she continued to fight to convince herself that she was anything but ugly and unworthy and, well, all the negative words I just don’t want to use anymore. Eventually, she succumbed to depression, and entered therapy, and fought the good fight. She battled the demons that haunted her life for years. She tried, oh how she tried, to beat back the negative self-image and accept herself for who she is, but a part of her held back. It felt too dangerous to let go of the self-deprecating humor, the putdowns of herself. It felt too dangerous to feel good about herself for surely there was always someone somewhere just waiting to shoot that painful barb towards her, that hurtful word that would knock her right back down to her rightful place in the gutter on the side of life’s road. Had this song, High School Never Ends, been around back then she would have thought of it as her anthem.

As time went on, this woman was able to see that more than others holding her back, SHE was holding herself back. She was convincing herself that she couldn’t do things, wasn’t worthy of things, wasn’t good enough. If she couldn’t love and appreciate herself then how could she ever expect others to do so? So she set forth on a quest to find that self-esteem that she’d lost so long ago.

She had no lightning bolt moment, no epiphany, no great turn around. No, instead she has started to evolve. It is a slow process. She isn’t there yet, but she is on her way. She still starts to say negative things about herself, but more and more often catches herself and stops. She still sees things with a critical eye, but she is working more and more at appreciating the positives in her life instead of dwelling on the negatives. She is working on framing statements and thoughts and actions in a positive way rather than negative. Instead of working on getting rid of low self-esteem, she is working on developing a healthy self-esteem. It is so similar a process but so very different too. She still battles the demons, but she finds they have less and less hold on her as she grows into a more confident, more resilient individual.

Well, clearly this isn’t the end of the story. The evolution continues. . .

Just a Quick Aside

Today's horoscope:

You are being drawn out of your comfort zone and there is no going back -- at least not for the next few weeks. You must adapt to the increased pace in the rhythm of your life, even if you would rather take it easy. Don't waste precious energy trying to slow down. Instead, be flexible and just go along for the ride with an open mind.

Aack.

Where I Come From

What is up with the whole putting-myself-down thing? Huh? Why on earth would I do that?

Let’s explore the roots. A young girl, an only child for the first five years of her life until the birth of her brother, can do no wrong in the eyes of her parents. She feels good about herself. She knows she is beautiful and wonderful because her parents tell her so. She is shy, but she basks in the praise of her parents and ventures with trepidation into the big bad world called school. In school, she suddenly learns that she is neither beautiful nor wonderful. She also learns she is very smart and learns very quickly.

Fat = Not beautiful = Not popular
Not coordinated, athletic, or socially adept = Not wonderful
Smart, quick learner = Nerd = Not wonderful or popular

Yes, those were the early lessons. They were reinforced over and over throughout her school years. Even her younger brother, who for some reason was a skinny, athletic kid who, though just as smart as she, chose to ignore it for the purposes of school, tended to put her down as fat and ugly. Maybe he did it just to go along with the crowd. Maybe he really held deep seated hatred for his sister. Who knows? Back to the topic though, she concluded that her parents had lied when they told her she was beautiful and wonderful, that they said those things only because they were her parents and were blind to what the rest of the world saw.

Several times, each time her family moved, she thought that things would be different in the next place, that somehow she could be different and could be accepted in a new environment with new people. She was wrong. Kids are cruel. Kids are particularly cruel to the new kid when they already have their cliques established and don’t want or need an interloper in their midst upsetting the delicate balance of social relations in the kid world. This just worsens through pre-adolescence and the teen years.

At some point she developed a defensive strategy. She found that if she picked on herself before someone else had the chance that it often deflected the picking by others. If she called herself fat and clumsy and laughed at herself others weren’t so inclined to do so. It kind of stole their thunder and made it seem as though she wouldn’t be hurt by their barbs. She claimed the words fat and nerd and geek and clutz and clumsy and loser and wacko and whatever else she could and used them often to describe herself.

Eventually it became less a strategy than a reality. She started to deep down believe those things about herself, convinced that they were true. She longed for people to answer her self-putdowns with kind words, with denials that she was any of those things, that she was beautiful and wonderful. She rarely got it, and when she did, she scoffed and rolled her eyes and wondered why they would lie to her. There seemed to be no escape for she had convinced herself so well that it seemed no amount of assurance was enough.

NEXT POST:
Turning point. . .

Tired

Boy am I tired this morning. Yesterday N was in a class musical. I don't have paid time off yet on the new job so I went into work early, skipped lunch, left around 2:00, drove 200 miles to have dinner with N and W and see N in his musical (in which he was, of course, absolutely wonderful), and turned around and drove 200 miles back.

I got home around 11:30, totally wired because I'd stopped for coffee when I started to get sleepy about halfway through the drive. Fortunately, BJ was online (he usually is late at night) and we chatted for a bit until I finally got sleepy around 1:00.

I don't think I'll be at my most productive today. That's okay though. A girl's gotta have her priorities, and in this girl's life N is my #1 priority.

Okay, off to shower and start the day. . .

Courage

As I start this post I’m not sure exactly where this is going. There are a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head, all related in some way, yet they can also tend to go off in diverse directions. I’ve toyed with these ideas for a while now, some for just a few days, some for weeks. So far a coherent and cohesive way of presenting these ideas has escaped me. Now I’m just going to throw them down in writing, and maybe somewhere along the way they’ll turn into something, maybe they’ll start to come together.

Where to begin? Courage

Main Entry: cour•age
Pronunciation: 'k&r-ij, 'k&-rij
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English corage, from Anglo-French curage, from quer, coer heart, from Latin cor
: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty

This is a word I’ve seen attributed to me lately right here in the comments on this blog. My initial reaction is to scoff, to downplay, to downright disagree. However, I am finally (oh I know you’ve waited a long time for me to see this) seeing that I do have positive qualities and one of those is indeed courage. I often do not give myself enough credit for things that I do, particularly if I am comfortable doing them for then I shrug it off as no big deal. Then again I don’t give myself credit for doing the things with which I am uncomfortable either, telling myself I was lucky, or it was a fluke, or I’ll never be able to summon the courage to do it again. I am indeed my own worst critic. Well, to hell with that. It has come to my attention that whatever negatives there may be in my life, I have done things in my life that others would fear enough to avoid or at least dread so yes, I can rightfully claim courage as one of my attributes.

Examples of Courage:
• Well, y’all saw one right here on this blog. Yes it took courage to bare my fat butt to the world, even anonymously. I wavered before pushing the button to publish that post Even after it had been pushed, I debated deleting it. Instead I summoned the mental strength to withstand fear of negative comments and of offending my readers who are already few and far between.
• Did I ever tell you about the weekend I spent with 20+ other women I’d met only online and that this weekend holiday was held on the opposite coast from where I was living? Yes I did. I flew from the West Coast to the East Coast, rented a car at the airport, and drove to a beach house rented by a gaggle of women I only knew from a message board on the Internet. I had never spoken to any of them except through email and the message board. I went all by myself. Most of the others there knew at least one other person there in real life. I never wavered in my decision to go until I had made it all the way across the country and had driven almost to the house. I seriously considered not showing up and spending the weekend in a motel all by myself, but I didn’t. I pulled up in the driveway, walked in the front door and summoned the strength to persevere, to venture on into the unknown. I had a wonderful time, absolutely great.
• Now this one seems such a little thing to me, but I know people who will absolutely refuse to do it: eat out in a restaurant (and not the fast food kind either) all alone. I have always been comfortable going out to eat by myself and never felt the least bit self-conscious about it (one of few things about which I didn’t feel self-conscious) until someone pointed out to me how brave I was to eat out alone, how they couldn’t do it, blah, blah, blah. So I got a little self-conscious, for a while, but then I got over it pretty easily since it was never really one of my bugaboos to begin with. I went back to enjoying myself, eating out at my own pace, smiling and chatting politely with the waitress, and eavesdropping people watching.
• Strangely enough, but I understand not too uncommon for shy people, I actually enjoy public speaking. Oh sure my palms get sweaty and sometimes my knees shake a bit, but I have never shied away from public speaking. Well, actually that isn’t true. When I was in college I was required to take one public speaking class. I was not comfortable, and even at the end of the semester did not feel as though I could handle even the small amount of public speaking I might have to do in my chosen profession. So what did I do? Took a second public speaking class. Unlike many of my peers who were just glad to get out of that basic public speaking class, I signed up for the next level course in the same subject. Had that class not helped I very well may have signed up for yet another. I have become more comfortable speaking to groups because it is not like speaking one to one, no eye contact is required. I can simply look out over the crowd and focus on no one person. For me, the bigger the crowd the better. Just don't ask me to speak to half a dozen or less. That's when it gets too difficult. Oh wait. We're focusing on success here not failure. It's a challenge to get over that negative put-me-down mindset.

I guess all of this is just to say that I need to appreciate myself more, focus less on the things with which I struggle and celebrate my successes. So as odd as it feels, I’m going to give myself a big pat on the back regularly. Because really I’m a pretty neat person, someone worth getting a pat on the back. Go me! I am one courageous woman.

Well, interesting to me where this post went. It kind of took off down one particular path, and I didn't really address all that I was intending, but I like where it went. And there's always another post in the future to address the rest of my thoughts.

Just Wondering

Do you ever find yourself wondering about other people’s sex lives? I find that I do. Maybe it’s because of how sporadic mine is (but at least I have one now occasionally, unlike a year ago) that I dwell on it. Maybe it’s because of how many blogs I read by people with less than stellar sex lives. Maybe it’s because, gosh darn it, I’ve pretty much got a one track mind.

Whatever the reason, I find that I wonder about people and what their sex life is like. It might be a coworker. It might be an acquaintance. It might be the plumber coming in to fix the leaky pipes. It might be the woman sitting at the next table all alone at the restaurant. It might be, but not as often, someone I just pass by on the street. It doesn’t have to be someone to whom I’m attracted or repulsed or anything in between. It is more an academic question in my mind, a curiosity about how often, how satisfied, how faithful, how creative, how willing.

At the mall I see quite a few older couples who walk for exercise. When I see a couple walking together I often wonder do they still have sex? Enjoy it? Are they in synch with their level of desire? Have they had rocky times and come through it? Are they still in rocky times but just given up or given in?

I wonder about coworkers who are married with young children or older children or no children at all. What do they do behind closed doors? Are they happy about it? If they are unsatisfied are they seeking gratification elsewhere or sacrificing that part of life for love of their partner? Did they have sex last night, and if so, was it good? Was it what they wanted or did it leave them wanting? Did they try and get turned down. . . again? Did their partner try, yet again, and frustrate them with their demand for more than what they want to give?

Yes, I’m nosy. Oh yes I am. I would never walk up to any of these people and ask them any of the above questions, but I do wonder if they have blogs that I could read. Then I wonder if perhaps I already am. Perhaps every day I’m sitting and reading about the life of the woman down the street, the man across town or in the next cubicle. I’ll probably never know, and I don’t really think I want to know because if I found out that one of my favorite blogs was written by someone I knew well there might be just a bit of a discomfort in knowing the intimate kinds of things that I know. With BJ it’s different because we are intimate and know each other intimately anyway so reading each other’s blogs isn’t discomforting to me. As curious as I am, I’m just not sure I want to know that Joe in the next cubicle over begged his wife for oral last night and got turned down yet again. I’d rather just know about abstract people from the blogosphere that I don’t have to look in the eye on a regular basis. Maybe that’s why as much as I think there are bloggers I’d like to meet, I’m also hesitant about it too. Walking up and meeting someone about whom I know so many secrets and intimate details would feel just a bit, umm, weird. Particularly now that you all know what my nekkid butt looks like.

What's My Theological Worldview?

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavily by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 82% Emergent/Postmodern 71% Classical Liberal 61% Neo orthodox 50% Fundamentalist 39% Modern Liberal 36% Reformed Evangelical 32% Charismatic/Pentecostal 21% Roman Catholic 7% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

I must say that the above results are pretty accurate for me. I think I'm rather a unique blend of beliefs however. Unique enough that I still consider starting my own church based on my beliefs. Ha! Talk about narcissistic!

I'll Just Let This Speak for Itself

Welcome Trueself to the 21st Century

Following my Soundtrack of Life post, one of my commenters encouraged me to continue to introduce myself to new music since I seem to still be stuck in 1985. So I have been listening to the radio lately, and instead of the usual talk radio and NPR fare I've actually been listening to music radio. My new favorite band is Bowling for Soup.

I went on to introduce myself to some other music from the 21st century. I started with Pink because I'd been exposed to her music a small bit before. I really like this song:

Next, I had never even heard of The Fray, but I really liked this song when I heard it on the radio:

So what else, who else, should I be exploring musicwise? Any suggestions? Also should I get an Ipod? Will I be able to figure out how to use it if I do get one? Are there other brands that are as good or better than the Ipod? Anybody willing to stick their neck out with some advice? Cmon, there's
Nothing Left to Lose.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I've set up pretty much a duplicate Deepest Darkest Thoughts over at Wordpress. I'm debating moving over there although I'm pretty comfy here at Blogger. Go check it out at Wordpress and let me know what you think.

Just Blowing Off Steam

I really hate people who have a regular sex life.
I really do.
Or maybe it's just jealousy.

Possibly the Only HNT in Which I Will Ever Participate

Yes that is really me. Yes, I am really that fat. There is a picture from the front that goes with this one, but I highly doubt that I will be brave enough to publish it.

Goodness knows that my poll results would have come out very differently if I had published this photo before posting that sex poll in the sidebar.

Another Meme I Stole

Time to lighten the mood. I've given in to too many serious thoughts lately. I need a break.

1. Introduce yourself?
True Self, although my given name is a French derivative of my grandmothers' middle names.

2. It's Wednesday during the afternoon, where are you usually?
In my cubicle analyzing data and running reports.

3. What kind of laundry detergent do you use?
Tide, always have, always will.

4. What brand of shampoo is in your shower right now?
Umm, am I stupid that I have no idea? It's whatever my hairdresser talked me into buying.

5. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21?
I probably went to bars more before I was 21 than after. I settled down a lot after I grew up.

6. What were you doing last night?
Watching TV, and chatting with BJ.

7. Do you watch MTV anymore?
No, but I watched it on it's very first day. Do I get points for that?

8. What do you think about Oprah?
I think she is one of a minority of rich people who try really hard to help less fortunate people.

9. What color are your bedsheets?
Bottom sheet: Beige Top sheet: Blue w/Pink and White Butterflies
I suppose it doesn't say anything good about me that I don't have matching sheets.

10. You need a new pair of jeans..what store do you go first?
Catherine's because they almost always have some on sale.

12. What kind of car do you drive?
A little black funny looking SUV.

13. Honestly, is that car insured?
Well, of course it is. I'm a responsible citizen.

14. Do you like sushi?
Only the vegetarian kind.

15. Have you ever been to Tiffany & Co. or Saks 5th Ave?
Nope, and don't care to. I'm too much of a cheapskate.

16. Did your parents spoil you growing up?
In some ways, like not making me do chores and stuff. In other ways, they didn't like they were cheapskates like me so they rarely bought stuff for me.

17. Do you like roller coasters?
Nope.

18. What magazine(s) do you buy regularly or subscribed to?
Oh there are so many. Most notably I read Utne Reader, Readers Digest, Woman's Day, Ladies Home Journal, Newsweek, and Time.

19. Do you remember the WB show "Popular"?
I have never ever heard of that show.

20. When you go out do you prefer to go to a dance club or to a bar?
If those are the only two choices then I guess a bar.

21. What do you think about gay marriage?
I'm all for it. Why shouldn't they suffer like the rest of us?

22. Who do you think will be the next president?
Gracious, too soon to tell, but I suppose if I had to pick I would have to think it would be either Clinton or Giuliani although I find it hard to imagine the country under the direction of either of those people.

23. Are you registered to vote?
Yes

27. Do you like Carrie Underwood?
Who?

28. Been to "The Vegas"?
Many times.

29. How far away do you live from your parents?
200 miles.

30. Are you happy with your job?
Now that I've got the new one I am.

32. What did you get in the mail today?
Nothing, but then it's only 6:00 in the morning. Then again, I didn't get anything yesterday either.

33. How do you like your steak cooked?
As a vegetarian I wouldn't care for steak.

34. Britney Spears...ready to have a nervous break down or just having fun?
Don't know, don't care.

35. What do you usually order at Taco Bell?
7 Layer Burrito and Diet Pepsi

36. Have you ever sat all the way thru Gone With the Wind?
Many many times.

37. Have you ever been to Mt Rushmore?
Nope, but it's on my list of things I'd like to see in my lifetime.

38. Is it just me, or was The Marine(w/John Cena) a really horrible movie?
Never heard of it.

39. Are surveys like the the cocaine of myspace?
Meaning addictive? Probably.

40. Where is your favorite place?
In bed with BJ.

41. What is your favorite candle scent?
I don't care for candles.

42. Do you believe places can really be haunted?
Yes, I used to live in one when I was a teenager.

43. Do you smoke cigarettes?
No, and you shouldn't either.

44. Have you ever been to NYC or LA?
Yes, both. LA is better. No question, no argument.

45. How many states have you been to where all you saw was the airport?
Just one: Minnesota.

46. Do you think 50 questions is enough?
Oh yes, more than enough.

47. Are you currently planning a trip?
Yes, every weekend back to LOH.

48. Is Ryan Seacrest gay?
Who cares?

49. Do you take anti-depressants?
Yes, doesn't everyone?

50. Have you ever googled your name and found out something?
Nope, I always come up empty.

Weekend With W, Part II

Picking up where we last left off, Trueself and W were spending the weekend together in LNJ while N spent the weekend with Trueself's parents. After a rocky start, things improved on Saturday. What would Sunday bring, and how is Trueself feeling after all of this? Well, let's find out.

Sunday, the last day of the weekend, we slept in again although not as late as Saturday. Our original intention was to go to church, and we still had plenty of time even getting up when we did. We each had decided we didn't want to go but would go for the other person. Once we finally said this to each other we decided not to go. This whole process probably took about an hour whereas if either of us had just spoken up to begin with it would've taken two minutes. We went to breakfast (no I did not cook one single meal this weekend) and read the local paper and eavesdropped on the large table of senior citizens next to us who had obviously just come from church. We lingered over coffee after breakfast had been eaten. We finally made our way back to our new house to drop off all the stuff (well, except the washer and dryer which will be delivered later) we'd bought the day before. We hung out there for a while just kind of soaking it all in, taking in the ambience, revisiting furniture placement ideas, trying various keys in various locks and getting them matched up. About the time we were leaving to head back to my rental place, the cleaning lady I hired to scrub the place down before we move in showed up with her crew (her husband and daughter). We chatted a few minutes and then left.

W and I went back to my place and watched the Bulls move on in the playoffs. Just as the game was ending W's cell phone rang. The cleaning lady's husband had found a bad leak in the kitchen ceiling apparently from the upstairs bathroom. It had gone unnoticed before because it was dripping inside a cabinet onto the top shelf. It was, and is, a mess. We hurried back over there, found the water shutoff valve and shut off water to the house. By the time we got there, they had cleaned up the water from the shelf and put a pitcher under the hole in the ceiling to catch further drips. Thank goodness for the home warranty. The repairs will cost us only $100 no matter how bad the problem is. I thought to myself as we were dealing with all this that it's this kind of crap that makes me have to stay with W. He knows how to deal with stuff like this. He's the one that always deals with stuff like this. I'm the one that's always made him deal with stuff like this because it requires phone calls and meeting with plumbers (or whatever type worker is needed for the problem du jour) at the house and all manner of things that make shy introverted people want to go crawl in a hole and curl up in the fetal position until it's all over. So I was really really glad W was here and that he hadn't yet left for LOH. Once we got the plumbing crisis abated, it was time for W to leave. He hugged me and even kissed me on the lips (hadn't done that in a while). And away he drove, and I was alone once again except that he did call to get directions to my parents' house (yes, he's been there many many times before, but never coming from this direction which is different than from LOH).

So we got along pretty well this weekend. We didn't have too many arguments. We were as intimate (that one kiss on the lips) as we've been in months. I sense that he's trying. But what about me? I feel like the situation and the decisions facing me are every bit as complex as the following diagram (which has nothing whatsoever to do with my situation but is simply there to illustrate complexity):

So what now? Do I just keep letting life roll along carrying me on whatever waves of emotion are strongest at the moment? I dunno. I just don't know. I wish there was a way to just submit all the information and wait for the answer to appear, but something tells me that's not going to happen.