Continuing on. . .

(Whew! Writing this was tough, rereading it was even tougher. I feel very much exposed here. This is the ugly truth, the ugly reality behind closed doors.)

N is caught in the middle between W and me. W and I do not agree on childrearing issues. I think W is too harsh. W thinks I’m too soft. N plays us against each other. We are not a healthy family.

My faults, as I see them:
• I have abdicated too much childrearing responsibility to W.
• I don’t deal effectively with N when he gets belligerent with me or talks back to me.
• In my fear of doing the wrong thing and probably in part due to perfectionist tendencies, I do nothing at all.
• I want so badly to be AWAY from W that I don’t work as hard as I should on making things better between the two of us which results in further conflict to which N is exposed.
• I don’t want to have to be responsible for anyone but me even if that is incredibly selfish.
• I think sometimes I talk to N a little too much like he’s an adult rather than the child that he is and expect him to be a little more mature about things than his capabilities allow.
• I give in too easily to N’s whining and complaining.
• I have an overwhelming fear that I will never be able to be the kind of mother that N deserves.

W’s faults, as I see them:
• He does not want to be bothered by dealing with N day in and day out, preferring that N go to other children’s houses to play freeing up his time.
• He does not ask N to do things, but barks orders.
• When N balks at doing what W tells him, W more often than not gives up and drops the subject.
• W often accuses N of doing things that N hasn’t done, but when he finds out his error he rarely apologizes to N instead choosing to say something like “Well, if you didn’t normally do things like that I wouldn’t have accused you.”
• W will begin to complain about something thinking that N did it, but upon finding out I did it he will back off and be very nice about it. Don’t think N hasn’t picked up on this and pointed it out many times.
• W refuses to pick and choose battles. He perpetuates the power struggle between him and N because he wants control of everything, from what N wears to how his hair is cut to what and how much he eats. He can’t give it up even though I’ve begged him to and he has verbally agreed to do so.
• W embarrasses N (and me) with his rude aggressive manner towards others and his willingness to make a scene in public about seemingly small things.

As a result of all this, N exhibits very bratty behavior. He whines, and back talks, and refuses to do as asked. For the most part, he gets away with it. Discipline is not consistent. As hard as I try to be consistent, I get undermined by W who keeps changing the rules. Last night, as W was telling N that he was going to lose TV privileges if he didn’t do something (I don’t know what; I’ve lost track) N asked how long he’d lose TV privileges. W refused to answer except to say that he didn’t know but it would be a while. I sat there trying to stay out of the conversation, stunned that he would make a threat without definite consequences. At least if I tell you the consequences of a behavior you’ll be told exactly what the punishment will be and how long it will last.

You have no idea how it feels to get all this off my chest. I fear that one day the people I know in real life will find out what a horrid job we’re doing as parents. I fear that one day N is going to get to a point where he is absolutely out of control. He already scares me sometimes.

It’s coming down to me deciding if I can handle N better on my own than with W. I’ve tried the counseling thing to get W and me on the same page. So far, it seems to have little effect. Yet W sees things as getting better, and when I don’t I’m called a pessimist and unfair. Maybe I am. Maybe things really are getting better, and I just don’t see it.

Conversation last weekend between N and me:

TS: I don’t like the way you are talking to me. It is disrespectful.
N: So?
TS: How would you like it if your kids talked to you that way when you’re grown up?
N: They wouldn’t. They’ll talk to my wife that way.
TS: Do you want anyone talking to your wife that way?
N: I wouldn’t care. I’d be gone like Dad is (W was, as usual, in another part of the house). He doesn’t care how I talk to you.
TS: (tears welling in eyes) Please go find something to do in another room. I need some time by myself.
N: Fine. (sits down in doorway) I’m in another room.
TS: Fine. Thank you. (feeling lost and very alone)