Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Setting the Stage

Okay, time to see if I can make myself face the reality of my life. (I thought this would be one post, but looks as though it will become a series of posts, or at least two. This post sets the stage of reality, what really is at my house. When I got to the end of this post I hit that wall again of not wanting to face things. Don't know when I'll write the rest of the story.)

It is an intricate dance, this interaction that occurs daily amongst N and W and me. I have to recognize the parts we are playing. I also have to recognize that the only person’s behavior, thoughts and feelings that I can change are my own. I have hit a crisis and keep looking for someone else to fix it. In reality, the only person that can fix my crisis is me. (Well, duh, that seems obvious doesn’t it?)


So who are these characters who are involved in this melodrama called Life?

W – a grumpy old man
Fearful of many things including losing TS, his rock for the last 20 years, his mortality since he’s beaten death multiple times in his life but can’t beat the passage of time, his virility that he boasted so much about in his younger days but seems to be a thing of the past. Perhaps in reaction to his fears, W presents himself to the world as an angry old man with a chip on his shoulder. He generally is confrontational, sarcastic and rude when dealing with people. Perhaps he confuses this presentation with one of strength and power. It’s not fooling me and probably not very many others either.

N – a typical kid
Plays one parent against the other because he has learned that he can. Without even realizing what it is he is doing he has pitted W and TS against each other. He has learned that he can wear down his parents until they give up and give in. He has learned a set of survival skills taught to him by the actions of his parents. These skills are now wreaking havoc as W and TS have practically given up control to him.

TS – a confused woman, barely coping
I’ve certainly tried to fashion myself as victim, but that is not really the case. TS likes things easy and likes things her way. When these criteria aren’t met, TS suffers from the emotional equivalent of a drought. It looks sunny and blue skies abound and everything seems beautiful until you notice the lack of rain that has caused the plants to die and the ground to crack. TS is the drought that contributes to the withering spirit in N and the hardness of W, but presents herself to the world as all sunny blue skies. Sorry too much metaphor, not enough sleep last night.

Let me start (oh wait, I’ve long gone past start). Let me continue by saying that I do not hold N responsible for any of the problems that have occurred or are occurring. He is a child. He does what children do. He copes in the best way that he can imagine in his child’s brain. His actions are not always productive or helpful, but they are very much the result of his coping the best he can figure how with what goes on around him. W and I are the parents. If there is anyone to blame here, W and I share that honor. We are the ones that have helped mold N’s behavior. We are the only ones that can institute changes that will channel his behavior in a different direction.

I have more to say, but I’m going to leave it at this for now. I have to sit with this a bit, continue to face reality, and eventually get to the deep dark place that is the core of what I’m trying to face and communicate here.

8 comments:

freebird said...

Here listening when you're ready TS.

oldbear said...

Hi Truey, this post is pretty honest, even if most of the info is negative. I think a lot of the bad stuff yuo say about you is true, but remeber almost all of us do it to, to some degree.

The most impiortant thing is that at least from time to time you own up to it. shows you are a good person at the core of it.

You are going thru a lot. Dont give up on you, you are really a special human, yu just have to find out how to walk apath true to the goodness in you!'

Have good Day LADY!!!! PAX OB

Karin's Korner said...

Trueself,
You know I have been right where you are myself, you also know that only YOU can make it better and I promise you, it does get better. You just have to get over this initial HUGE hump. You know that I am here for you, praying for you. Call me if you need to just talk to someone that has gone through it before.

Val said...

Wow, you are really giving me the creeps ;-) -- I could have written some of this myself if I were as good of a writer, insightful & thoughtful as you are...
(Substitute "grumpy MIDDLE-AGED man" for W) If he claims to "love" me so much, why doesn't he call or email w/anything meaningful?

Simple Chic said...

TS,
I read your blog often, though I rarely comment Today is an exception because I have something to say about your situation. I was in a situation much like yours where I felt helpless and at a dead end, stuck between wanting to leave, but being afraid to do it. I worried about how I would make it, and how my son would take things. I went through all the self-doubt and loathing that I see you putting here.

My advice: Just leave...period. Yeah things are up in the air crazy, yeah it looks like there's no end in sight, and yes it appears that leaving will make things worse, but that's not really true. Once you leave (taking your son with you) you can actually start thinking about the direction you want your life to go, without someone breathing down your neck demanding you make a decision. You can build a better bond with your son (and his behavior will improve for the better) and get him the help he needs. You need to think of him first and foremost, and by everything you've written this situation is really hurting him.
You don't have to listen, but I can tell you that I've been in your place and I am much better off having left the situation. My son is better off for it as well.

Trueself said...

FB - Stay tuned. Lots more coming.

OB - Thanks, I try to own up to it. I really do.

Karin - Thank you so much. If you email me your phone # I just may take you up on that offer. (If I can get over the dread phone phobia long enough to do it.)

Val - You flatter me. I don't necessarily think of myself that way at all. Sorry for the difficulties you're having now.

SC - Welcome, welcome. Thanks for your kind words. Always good to hear a similar story with a happy ending.

Fiona said...

It's easy to be on the outside, looking in, TS. As we all are. Only you are living this, as best you can. Sometimes we take things slow, to be sure. I mean REALLY sure. I guess the secret is knowing at what point we are really sure, and taking action.

It's hard, I know. But it has to be when you are ready and only you will know exactly when that moment is, TS.

Hugs

Trueself said...

Fiona - I believe I'm getting closer to that point of being really sure.