It is an intricate dance, this interaction that occurs daily amongst N and W and me. I have to recognize the parts we are playing. I also have to recognize that the only person’s behavior, thoughts and feelings that I can change are my own. I have hit a crisis and keep looking for someone else to fix it. In reality, the only person that can fix my crisis is me. (Well, duh, that seems obvious doesn’t it?)
So who are these characters who are involved in this melodrama called Life?
W – a grumpy old man
Fearful of many things including losing TS, his rock for the last 20 years, his mortality since he’s beaten death multiple times in his life but can’t beat the passage of time, his virility that he boasted so much about in his younger days but seems to be a thing of the past. Perhaps in reaction to his fears, W presents himself to the world as an angry old man with a chip on his shoulder. He generally is confrontational, sarcastic and rude when dealing with people. Perhaps he confuses this presentation with one of strength and power. It’s not fooling me and probably not very many others either.
N – a typical kid
Plays one parent against the other because he has learned that he can. Without even realizing what it is he is doing he has pitted W and TS against each other. He has learned that he can wear down his parents until they give up and give in. He has learned a set of survival skills taught to him by the actions of his parents. These skills are now wreaking havoc as W and TS have practically given up control to him.
TS – a confused woman, barely coping
I’ve certainly tried to fashion myself as victim, but that is not really the case. TS likes things easy and likes things her way. When these criteria aren’t met, TS suffers from the emotional equivalent of a drought. It looks sunny and blue skies abound and everything seems beautiful until you notice the lack of rain that has caused the plants to die and the ground to crack. TS is the drought that contributes to the withering spirit in N and the hardness of W, but presents herself to the world as all sunny blue skies. Sorry too much metaphor, not enough sleep last night.
I have more to say, but I’m going to leave it at this for now. I have to sit with this a bit, continue to face reality, and eventually get to the deep dark place that is the core of what I’m trying to face and communicate here.