Setting the Stage

Okay, time to see if I can make myself face the reality of my life. (I thought this would be one post, but looks as though it will become a series of posts, or at least two. This post sets the stage of reality, what really is at my house. When I got to the end of this post I hit that wall again of not wanting to face things. Don't know when I'll write the rest of the story.)

It is an intricate dance, this interaction that occurs daily amongst N and W and me. I have to recognize the parts we are playing. I also have to recognize that the only person’s behavior, thoughts and feelings that I can change are my own. I have hit a crisis and keep looking for someone else to fix it. In reality, the only person that can fix my crisis is me. (Well, duh, that seems obvious doesn’t it?)


So who are these characters who are involved in this melodrama called Life?

W – a grumpy old man
Fearful of many things including losing TS, his rock for the last 20 years, his mortality since he’s beaten death multiple times in his life but can’t beat the passage of time, his virility that he boasted so much about in his younger days but seems to be a thing of the past. Perhaps in reaction to his fears, W presents himself to the world as an angry old man with a chip on his shoulder. He generally is confrontational, sarcastic and rude when dealing with people. Perhaps he confuses this presentation with one of strength and power. It’s not fooling me and probably not very many others either.

N – a typical kid
Plays one parent against the other because he has learned that he can. Without even realizing what it is he is doing he has pitted W and TS against each other. He has learned that he can wear down his parents until they give up and give in. He has learned a set of survival skills taught to him by the actions of his parents. These skills are now wreaking havoc as W and TS have practically given up control to him.

TS – a confused woman, barely coping
I’ve certainly tried to fashion myself as victim, but that is not really the case. TS likes things easy and likes things her way. When these criteria aren’t met, TS suffers from the emotional equivalent of a drought. It looks sunny and blue skies abound and everything seems beautiful until you notice the lack of rain that has caused the plants to die and the ground to crack. TS is the drought that contributes to the withering spirit in N and the hardness of W, but presents herself to the world as all sunny blue skies. Sorry too much metaphor, not enough sleep last night.

Let me start (oh wait, I’ve long gone past start). Let me continue by saying that I do not hold N responsible for any of the problems that have occurred or are occurring. He is a child. He does what children do. He copes in the best way that he can imagine in his child’s brain. His actions are not always productive or helpful, but they are very much the result of his coping the best he can figure how with what goes on around him. W and I are the parents. If there is anyone to blame here, W and I share that honor. We are the ones that have helped mold N’s behavior. We are the only ones that can institute changes that will channel his behavior in a different direction.

I have more to say, but I’m going to leave it at this for now. I have to sit with this a bit, continue to face reality, and eventually get to the deep dark place that is the core of what I’m trying to face and communicate here.