Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Big Conversation

“W, we need to talk. I want to get things aired out once and for all and have everything out in the open.”

He sits, ashen faced.

“First, I want you to know I am going to be very honest and straight forward here. I am not pulling any punches, not making things different than how I really see them. If you don’t believe me then that is on you, not on me.”

He continues to look quietly concerned.

“Here it is. When we were first together I truly thought that I would love you forever, that what we had would go on forever. You were older, more mature than other guys I dated. You put me on a pedestal. How could I not adore that? How could a young lady not be swayed by that?”

He interjects, “But I asked you over and over if you really truly wanted to be there. I didn’t want this to happen sometime in the future. You promised me it wouldn’t.”

“Yes I made a promise that I couldn’t, or didn’t, keep. But you made promises too, or representations at least that did not turn out to be kept. While you talked a good game, and made all kinds of statements about appetite and desire and adventure, those turned out to be just talk for the most part. Also, years ago when things didn’t work as well as you wanted them to rather than trying to do other things to keep the relationship going you withdrew. That hurt. That hurt a lot. I tolerated it for many years, too many years. I want out now. I want to move on before we spend more years in intolerable conditions. I am too tired to tolerate it any longer, and I do not have enough patience left to give you the room anymore to make changes. Why did it have to get to such a monumental crisis point for you to make any efforts? And why is it that the efforts that you are making are not the ones for which I am asking? I must conclude from this that our wants and needs and desires are just too incompatible for it to work. I’ve tried to make it work. I have tried, for years. Now, when I’m ready to give up trying you claim to be ready to try. But things don’t change. We make wonderful friends. We can be so good for each other in some ways, but not in the ways that make a marriage. We don’t have a marriage anymore. We have a parenting partnership. That’s it. That is the sum total of our existence anymore. That’s okay, but it isn’t enough for me. I need a passionate loving relationship with someone, and I no longer even want to try to get that back with you. I want to move on, but I don’t want to just leave you behind. I would like you to stay in the area. Perhaps we could purchase a small place near here, and you could be there for N and for me, to help with things when we need help. I could be here for you and help with things when you need help. I don’t want to lose your friendship, and I certainly don’t want N to lose his father. But we need to move on in independent lives. It just doesn’t work for me to wait for you any longer. I need to be free. I need to be able to pursue my life independently from you.”

Okay, so that is how I imagine it going. Anybody think I could get through that whole speech without giving in to his sad eyes, his guilt-inducing interjections, his threats to leave the country?

Oh wait. You thought I was reporting what already happened? No, just rehearsing, trying out the speech that I hope to get the gumption to give soon.


Unspoken Drama said...

You owe it to yourself and to him...and mostly to N to get through it. Rehearse it, repeat it until it becomes ingrained in your mind and remember that you deserve this.

As I mentioned to you, maybe write it out in a letter and ask him to read it while you sit with him. That allows you to get it all out there, he can't say he didn't understand or that you weren't clear, and you can discuss it further after he reads it. Just a thought, it helps me when I need to discuss something that I know is going to cause me to break down.

Lots of hugs coming your way. Good luck in whatever way you choose to do it.


Steff said...

I agree with Drama...the letter idea sounds really good. You can give him the letter and tell him that you did it that way so you'd be able to get through all the things you needed to tell him. After he's read the letter then you can have a discussion on any points that need it. Also, just a little trick I learned in debate class...use the words I and me as much as possible. "I feel...." Or "This situation has caused me to..." It's supposed to not put the other person on the defensive because you're talking about how you feel instead of saying you the other person have done this and this, etc.

I can understand how this situation is going to be very difficult for you. Go over your speech, have the talk, hold firm to your desire for a better future, and last be ready to let him go if that is what he chooses to do.

I wish you luck. :)

freebird said...

Oooh TS, you TEASE! You had me going there for a minute! Then I thought "This is going too well!"

Maybe the letter idea is a good one - although when you're speaking it you do have a chance to gauge how much can be taken at a time... and so we go round in circles. Just be sure you really know what you want. And that's easier said than done - you know me!
Hugs to you dear TS. Focus on the party!

Val said...

UD has a great idea -- to print this out & hand it to W to read instead of trying to choke & gasp your way thru it (at least I know I would be struggling!)...
Best of luck, I'll be sending strong positive vibes your way!

Trueself said...

Hmm, interesting that there seems to be unanimous support for the handing it to him in writing. I'll have to give that some serious consideration. In some ways it seems impersonal, and yet it might give me a way to get through it. It would certainly get it out there without me being able to back down and leave any part of it unsaid.

oldbear said...

HI Truey, if he wont let you finish what you need to say, maybe a letter is the way to go.

Dont be too hard on yuorslef Lady, it seems he is just clinging, or trying to maipulate you with his threats.

Leaving his son is not a very good thing to threaten you with. Makes no ssense, for him or the child!!

leavesdr said...

Sorry to go against the trend but I think you should deliver it in person - both of you deserve that honesty between yourselves. However you do need to be in a safe place mentally and physically to do this. Perhaps the best time is at a counselling session where support for both of you is given unconditionally by an external person. Best wishes in delivering the message in which ever format you finally go with.

Trueself said...

OB - I do understand that he is manipulating me with his threats. I hate that he would even consider abandoning N just to get back at me. That is such a low blow, and yet he has threatened it repeatedly. I wish I knew he wasn't serious about that, but I don't.

leavesdr - Hey, don't be sorry about going against the tide. Glad to have diverse views here. If I were to go the letter route, I certainly would only use it as a crutch during a face to face discussion, a way to make sure all my thoughts were put out there without them being cut short. I just know that when I've tried to have this discussion before W has always managed to somehow short circuit it.