Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Ruffled

And no I don’t mean like a fancy shirt or even a potato chip (although potato chips do sound quite good right now, not that that has anything to do with what I’m trying to discuss here). I am ruffled, as in flustered, as in stirred up, as in jumpy. I feel the tension all around me.
I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

I want out.

Out of the marriage.

Out of limbo.

Out of the uncertainty of the future.

Out.

I want out.

HOWEVER

I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

YET

I want to leave him behind and move on without him.

BUT

I want him to stay around so that N doesn’t feel abandoned by him.

AND

I want us to all get along and be civil to one another – W, N, BJ, me, and all the others affected by this.

ALTHOUGH

I doubt that is possible.

SO

Here I am, stuck in limbo, ruffled, flustered, frustrated, flailing, maybe even failing, definitely disappointing my man BJ who has bravely made that huge leap into the abyss. Who can blame him for wanting me to do likewise? Who can blame him for wanting me, the one who urged him to go ahead and make that move, to join him in the unrelenting rapids of the river of divorce?
If I were smarter I'd know how to put cute little captions on the picture itself, but I'm not so here they are. I see BJ as that guy front and center, bravely making his way through the rapids. I on the other hand am the one way in the background in the calm waters, hanging back, waiting, waiting for the fear to subside or for the bravery to kick in or for someone to come along and drag me along kicking and screaming I guess. Oh, and those other two in the middle? I don't know, just some poor schmucks caught up in the whole process.

9 comments:

Fiona said...

Oh TS what a dilemma. I'd say this - stick to your first part of your list and work out the details of everything after HOWEVER with this in mind:

You WILL hurt his feelings and he'll get over it.

You CAN'T move on totally without him if you want him to stay involved in N's life. But you CAN work out the details of that, if he wants to stay involved.

You WON'T necessarily all get along, expecting W and BJ to hit it off is asking a little too much. At first anyway.

ANYTHING is possible if you want it and are prepared to steel yourself to moving forward.

DON'T be defeated by your details. You have a big picture, you know what you want. Details can and will make it happen.

Get yourself a notebook and start writing down the what if's in it. The how to's. It CAN be done.

You're like someone in a rowing boat who has lost one oar. There is the man you love making things possible, dealing with his issues and still standing by you. He just gave you the other oar hon.

freebird said...

Hi there TS.
Once again I've returned from a break to find we're in the same place. Welcome to limbo.
It might be easier to find the exit if they weren't being so flippin' nice.

Trueself said...

Thank you dear friends. Thank you for the kind words. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for the encouragement. And FB, if you find the exit would you give me a shout and let me know where it is?

Steff said...

That is a lot of if, ands, and buts. It is very obvious that BJ loves everything about you and that you love him in exactly the same way. You'll find your way through this! I agree that you should be concerned for your son but it's time that you started taking care of you. W will be hurt (a lot of people will be hurt) but he'll get over it in time. I know from experience (not necessarily divorce) but you can't sit still and hope things will work out...you've got to go forward and work towards the end.

Karin's Korner said...

TS, my friend. I know that this is probably going to be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your lifetime (it was with me) but you just have to do it. I see by your countdown clock that in 7 days you will have an anniversary. Oh man that makes it even harder...which way do you go...Do you go ahead with plans on your anniversary making W think things just might get better or do you jump in and tell him before the anniversary gets here so that he does not have false hope. I so totally sympathize with you and I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

BUT...the end reward is so wonderful that I cannot tell you enough about it.

I knew it was going to hurt my husband when I left him after 20 years but I also knew what a jerk he was to me for 20 years, not all the time but the bad times were really really bad. Today, we are no closer to being friends then we were the day I left, we have no contact but because our children are grown, there does not have to be contact between us. I just had a conversation with my 2 girls about wishing that I could still be friends with my x and just talking to him on the phone, seeing how he is doing but they were both in agreement that it would never work, first because the X holds a grudge like you would not believe and they say that he would still be asking me over and over to come back. SO...I guess that is not going to happen, it just makes me sad that we could have a relationship for so long and no longer be friends...see I do know where you are coming from.

Hang in there girl, it will get better, you just have to make that initial leap....BJ will be there to catch you :)

Trueself said...

Steff - I know I can't sit still and have things happen the way I want. I don't know what will be the catalyst that moves me, but something will. I know it.

Karin - It is so comforting to hear from one who has "been there." Timing, yes timing is an issue. We have a phone session with our marriage counselor tonight. Maybe (just maybe) I'll broach the subject then. Or I'll just wimp out. . . again.

Nutty Man said...

TS
You know it time, make your move. You have to move on for you and N . Let W deal with it as he will you can't control that. Be think about you.

BJ said...

You'll make it baby. Grab a paddle.

Trueself said...

Nutty Man - Good advice in a concise package. Thanks.

BJ - Thanks sweetie.