Ruffled

And no I don’t mean like a fancy shirt or even a potato chip (although potato chips do sound quite good right now, not that that has anything to do with what I’m trying to discuss here). I am ruffled, as in flustered, as in stirred up, as in jumpy. I feel the tension all around me.
I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

I want out.

Out of the marriage.

Out of limbo.

Out of the uncertainty of the future.

Out.

I want out.

HOWEVER

I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

YET

I want to leave him behind and move on without him.

BUT

I want him to stay around so that N doesn’t feel abandoned by him.

AND

I want us to all get along and be civil to one another – W, N, BJ, me, and all the others affected by this.

ALTHOUGH

I doubt that is possible.

SO

Here I am, stuck in limbo, ruffled, flustered, frustrated, flailing, maybe even failing, definitely disappointing my man BJ who has bravely made that huge leap into the abyss. Who can blame him for wanting me to do likewise? Who can blame him for wanting me, the one who urged him to go ahead and make that move, to join him in the unrelenting rapids of the river of divorce?
If I were smarter I'd know how to put cute little captions on the picture itself, but I'm not so here they are. I see BJ as that guy front and center, bravely making his way through the rapids. I on the other hand am the one way in the background in the calm waters, hanging back, waiting, waiting for the fear to subside or for the bravery to kick in or for someone to come along and drag me along kicking and screaming I guess. Oh, and those other two in the middle? I don't know, just some poor schmucks caught up in the whole process.