Dreamin’ Again

Not good dreams though. Oh no. I’m having nightmares, ever since moving into the new house with W. Last night’s was the worst it has gotten. I think I combined in my psyche some of the drama reported by Freebird along with some recent conversations with BJ plus some of my own thoughts and angst over my situation to come up with the following dream. Some pieces, by the way, are kind of fuzzy in my mind, and as with many dreams, some of it makes little sense, but I’ll record it the best I can as I remember it.

The Dream
BJ and I want to meet for a weekend together. I am trying to find a way to make it happen. W and I are not getting along well and are arguing about lots of little things that don’t really mean anything. I am getting more and more frustrated with him. We are walking around outside, and one of my frustrations is his battered old van in the driveway (hey, just like real life!). I want him to sell it and give up driving. He doesn’t want to lose his independence. We are sitting on a stone wall near the house, not our house but a house of some relative of W’s where we are living, as we are having the discussion. There was some concern on my part about my cell phone, but that part is very fuzzy and I can’t remember what the concern was, but I remember I kept looking at the display on the phone as though I was waiting for a call maybe. One of his relatives (not sure her relation as she isn’t anyone I know in real life although I have a mental image of her plain as day – older, tall, thin, pinched face, dark hair) walks by and makes some snarky comment about me being a slut. Somehow W and I end up in the living room of the house with this relative, and she starts telling him all sorts of things about me, and what I’ve been up to in the last year or so with stunningly accurate detail although she didn’t seem to know about BJ, just my other activities. She is calling me all sorts of derogatory names. During the discussion one of the Ballwin brothers (yes, the actors, Stephen I believe, I know it wasn’t Alex) walked down the hallway and popped his head in just long enough to ask me if I would meet him that evening at a bar a short distance away. I told him I wasn’t sure I could, but I would try. I mostly said that for the benefit of riling W and his relative, since obviously I was a slut anyway so I might as well live up to the reputation. The relative went on and on, W said nothing, and finally I got up and went to my bedroom. I laid out some clothes and went to the bathroom to take a shower. Upon getting out of the shower W was in the bedroom. As I got dressed he followed me around trying to talk to me. I told him I couldn’t stay in the house another minute with her (meaning the relative that was badmouthing me), and that I was going away for the weekend. He wanted to know where I was going, and I told him I didn’t know, just away (although I really knew I was going to be with BJ). He continued to follow me around, all the while with the sad-eyed look that he always gets when we discuss our marital problems. He was going on and on about how can we make this better, how can he make me happy enough at home, how could I do this to him, blah, blah, blah. I was packing up my car when I finally awoke with a start.

It is one day, probably sooner than later, all going to come to a head in real life. I feel it. I feel it deep down inside. The question is do I initiate it, or do I let it all roll over me as I did in my dream?