Friday, June 01, 2007

Dreamin’ Again

Not good dreams though. Oh no. I’m having nightmares, ever since moving into the new house with W. Last night’s was the worst it has gotten. I think I combined in my psyche some of the drama reported by Freebird along with some recent conversations with BJ plus some of my own thoughts and angst over my situation to come up with the following dream. Some pieces, by the way, are kind of fuzzy in my mind, and as with many dreams, some of it makes little sense, but I’ll record it the best I can as I remember it.

The Dream
BJ and I want to meet for a weekend together. I am trying to find a way to make it happen. W and I are not getting along well and are arguing about lots of little things that don’t really mean anything. I am getting more and more frustrated with him. We are walking around outside, and one of my frustrations is his battered old van in the driveway (hey, just like real life!). I want him to sell it and give up driving. He doesn’t want to lose his independence. We are sitting on a stone wall near the house, not our house but a house of some relative of W’s where we are living, as we are having the discussion. There was some concern on my part about my cell phone, but that part is very fuzzy and I can’t remember what the concern was, but I remember I kept looking at the display on the phone as though I was waiting for a call maybe. One of his relatives (not sure her relation as she isn’t anyone I know in real life although I have a mental image of her plain as day – older, tall, thin, pinched face, dark hair) walks by and makes some snarky comment about me being a slut. Somehow W and I end up in the living room of the house with this relative, and she starts telling him all sorts of things about me, and what I’ve been up to in the last year or so with stunningly accurate detail although she didn’t seem to know about BJ, just my other activities. She is calling me all sorts of derogatory names. During the discussion one of the Ballwin brothers (yes, the actors, Stephen I believe, I know it wasn’t Alex) walked down the hallway and popped his head in just long enough to ask me if I would meet him that evening at a bar a short distance away. I told him I wasn’t sure I could, but I would try. I mostly said that for the benefit of riling W and his relative, since obviously I was a slut anyway so I might as well live up to the reputation. The relative went on and on, W said nothing, and finally I got up and went to my bedroom. I laid out some clothes and went to the bathroom to take a shower. Upon getting out of the shower W was in the bedroom. As I got dressed he followed me around trying to talk to me. I told him I couldn’t stay in the house another minute with her (meaning the relative that was badmouthing me), and that I was going away for the weekend. He wanted to know where I was going, and I told him I didn’t know, just away (although I really knew I was going to be with BJ). He continued to follow me around, all the while with the sad-eyed look that he always gets when we discuss our marital problems. He was going on and on about how can we make this better, how can he make me happy enough at home, how could I do this to him, blah, blah, blah. I was packing up my car when I finally awoke with a start.

It is one day, probably sooner than later, all going to come to a head in real life. I feel it. I feel it deep down inside. The question is do I initiate it, or do I let it all roll over me as I did in my dream?


freebird said...

OMG Trueself! Usually other people's dreams are boring. Not sure what to make of this as things are, but it's certainly not boring!

Val said...

I wish I had gotten enough sleep last night to remember any dream(s) I might have had... Then again, maybe not! I have been plagued w/disturbing dreams about my ex, but last night was rough.
I can always daydream wistfully about taking 2 sleeping tablets & getting in 9 hrs tonight!

Trueself said...

FB - No, my dreams are often boring but not this one. It had my adrenaline running when I woke up.

Val - Last night was the first night in several that I didn't awaken numerous times throughout the night. Perhaps that's what allowed me to dream so richly and remember it so vividly. Hope you get your rest tonight.

Serenity said...

What a fabulous dream, i'm impressed.Whether it means anything is entirely up to you though.
Though i am trying to cut back on the unsolicited advice i want to say this: remember that solutions don't have to be black or white, all or nothing. Look for compromises that enable you to be happy--enough. I don't think there is a solution that will make everyone perfectly gleeful in this situation. The best you can hope for is a middle ground, and i hope you can find it.
Good luck and hugs.

Steff said...

I looked up a few of the things from your dream in a book I have called The Illustrated Dream Dictionary.

The stone wall: stones represent a slow but steady progress and the wall represents an agreement that you're thinking of making could be harmful.

The cell phone: use it and minor tiff with your partner is going to explode into a major row. Answer it and the next few days will be beset with problems.

Your secrets being told: hearing secrets means you'll have to defend yourself against gossip.

Anyway there are the big things I could find. I'm sure this dream is simply your conscience trying to work things out. Hopefully peace will be yours soon!

Anonymous said...

Been having dreams myself lately. I rarely remember specifics but I always wake up with a feeling of nervous frustration.

Trueself said...

Serenity - First, let me say that here your advice is always welcome whether I've specifically asked or not. Second, thanks for thinking it a fabulous dream. It was, as it was lush with vibrancy and detail that few of my dreams have. Third, ah yes, compromise, that's a stretch for those of us who do tend to see things all as black and white, but I'm trying.

Steff - Wow, that's a lot to read into my lil' ole dream. I tend to think it is mostly just my subconscious trying to work through the issues that I try to block during the day.

FL - I have lots of dreams where I don't remember the specifics, and often they leave me to wake with that same feeling. This one, however, was extremely vivid, leaving me more than a little shaken when I awoke.

Steff said...

I'm sorry! In college I went through a phase where I couldn't sleep so a friend made me this great little gift basket and that book was in it. I'm always looking stuff up. I didn't mean to analyze your dream.

Also, I'm sorry if anything else has crossed a line too. Believe me that wasn't the intention.

Trueself said...

Steff - Don't be sorry. Maybe my reply to you didn't come out right. I didn't mean to sound as though you crossed a line. I was just impressed by how much could be read into my dream. Worry not, no lines crossed here.