I’ll Have the Counseling with a Side of Reality Please

Background
W and I were attending counseling weekly since last winter. Our stated mission was to work on better parenting and improving the marriage. W and I both really like this counselor. She is very good. She has a way of seeing through things that are said and hearing the meaning behind them, restating to see if she’s got it and generally saying it much better than we ever did but capturing the exact meaning that we were trying to get across. When I moved to LNJ we continued counseling, going on Saturdays when I was in LOH. When W and N moved to LNJ it was at the same time that our counselor was leaving for a one week conference followed by a three week vacation in Africa. So for four weeks we were on our own, but we resumed counseling, over the phone when she returned from vacation. So when I talk about current counseling sessions with W the phone sessions are my point of reference.

Currently
In this week’s session I pulled out the stops and rather than tempering my comments, and trying to make nice (I know, I know, should’ve done this long before) I stood my ground. When W said how well things were going and what a good time he and I had together last week when we went to dinner for his birthday, I refused to go along. I disagreed. I expressed disappointment and my reasons for it. A few other times during the hour I expressed other instances of disappointment, frustration, uncertainty, and all those other things we don’t talk about. While I’m not sure if W really got it I could tell the counselor did. I could tell by her comments that she senses where this is going (splitting rather than staying together). I think that’s good. I think it is good because I’m hoping she can help us through the split and help guide W to some better decisions than disappearing to parts unknown. Combine that with the EAP counselor I’m seeing, and I do believe I’m getting stronger and more ready to confront this.

Future
I hope that in this next week W and I can have some serious talks about us and our future and how things would be better for us apart than together. I know that he will try to guilt me into staying. I know that he will tell me how he can’t live without me. I know that. I also know that what I am going to propose is that he doesn’t have to live completely without me, that I would like him to move to a small condo near here, or assisted living facility if necessary, so that I would be close enough by to help him out when he needs it. I want to explain that we aren’t really acting like a married couple now but just occupying the same house. We are more friends than lovers. I was more able to be a friend to him when we were 200 miles away from each other, when I only saw him occasionally. I think we would both do better not trying to live in the same house together, but I do think we should both make the attempt to get along, be friends, take care of one another. I don’t know whether I can convince him or not. I do know that physically he is not right now capable of just taking off like he has threatened, or that if he tried he would likely end up getting badly hurt or worse. How much guilt would I feel over that? Would N blame me for it? Probably. I can hear him in my mind saying, “Mom, if you hadn’t kicked him out this (whatever this turns out to be) wouldn’t have happened.” Because in spite of N saying things about not wanting W around, he will turn right around and get mad at me if I seem at all put out by W.