Thursday, June 21, 2007


As usual I dreamed up the worst case scenario, and of course it didn't happen. Life in the Midwest continues relatively undisturbed after yesterday evening's events.

At my EAP appointment, we role played how to talk to W about the problems we have, and my frustration over his repeated agreements to do things without ever following through. (This applies across the board to just about every problem we have in this relationship. He says what it takes to placate me for the moment whether or not he intends to actually do it.)

W and I went to dinner as planned, to a steakhouse. He enjoyed it a lot. I sat and looked at him on the other side of the table. We talked little. Status quo. I wanted to start the discussion that I had earlier role played. I didn't. I wimped. I also sat and wondered how BJ's discussion with his wife was going and kept waiting to feel the vibration of my phone in my pocket as BJ was to call when it was over.

W and I headed home. About halfway home from the restaurant my phone vibrated. Yes, W was sitting right there next to me. We both heard the buzz of the phone and he said, "Hmm, one of us has a call." We both pulled out phones. I answered seeing on the display that it was BJ. W was sitting next to me. I spoke little and mostly answered yes and no to BJ's questions. Was I able to talk? No. Could I text him when I got freed up? Yes. A couple of more I don't remember. I hung up and W immediately asked who it was. I told him it was my supervisor asking if I'd finished a project. Lame. He didn't appear to believe me but said little. I changed the subject to my bad need for some dental floss to release a bit of dinner between two teeth. Again lame. I made the decision in my head that if he called me on my story I'd come clean, and we'd go ahead and have the dreaded talk right then and there. He didn't.

W's digestive tract was not happy with some of the rich foods he'd had for dinner, and he headed straight to the downstairs bathroom when we got home. I said I was going up to change clothes. I texted BJ on the way upstairs. He called. Standing in the closet (well, it's a big walk in closet) in the bedroom I talked briefly with BJ, long enough to find out the conversation went about as well as could be expected. Suddenly, and without warning (how the hell did he come up so quietly?) W was in the doorway talking to me. I snapped the phone closed. Poor BJ. At least he told me later he heard W's voice in the background just before the phone went dead so he knew why it happened. I don't think that W caught that I was on the phone, or at least he didn't say so.

Okay this is getting way too long for the quick update it was intended to be. I am nothing if not wordy. I'll wind up by saying that in spite of BJ telling his wife of my existence she hasn't yet tried calling that one number that repeatedly appears on their cell phone bill. Of course, that doesn't mean she won't. If she does, I will handle it as best I can with as much dignity as possible.

No mushroom clouds, but I still feel as though the finger is poised just over the red button.

Late edit:
I so need to stop reading my horoscope. I didn't need to hear this today:
You may be so firmly resolved in your current beliefs that no one will be able to talk you out of your perspective. You know what must be done and are willing to enroll others to help you in your quest, even if it means hiding your true intentions. Be aware of your own power or you might inadvertently trample over someone's feelings on the way to your destination.


freebird said...

Oh heavens! This time it's me away for a few days and coming back to find my blog friend in that old dream/nightmare situation. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom and experience, but I'm not sure I'm handling it well enough myself to help anyone else! Dignity is a good word to remember. Yes, stick with dignity.
I do feel for you having that possible phone-call to answer - even if you didn't have a problem with phones (oooh, sorry, I'm not helping am I?) I had one of those myself, a total shock and heart-stopping at the time but at least I think I can say it got easier after that. And maybe for you it's a case of forewarned being forearmed.
I am thinking about you TS. Hugs.

Trueself said...

Well yes, FB, I believe what this says is that we must both either be more attentive to our blog reading or lead less explosive lives. LOL

I'm hanging in there. Hope you are doing the same. Looking forward to an update from you when you get time.

mia said...

I'm thinking about you guys. This is the beginning of everything moving towards your incredible future.

Serenity said...

Don't assume he has put two and two together. If he is starting from a position of not knowing a damn thing it is going to take awhile for things to dawn on him. And even then he will have to be willing to let them dawn on him before he does anything dramatic. My guess is he does not want to do anything that will change the status quo. Which means guess what, it's all up to you, as always, to get things moving. If you're really ready. Once the boulder starts moving down this hill it's going to be hard to stop it.
I'm still not convinced you are 100% ready to start this process, and i have to say (warning: extreme unsolicited advice to follow) you should NOT be muddying the waters with BJ. Leave W if you want, but it is very bad karma to leave because of someone else. I'm not saying end it with BJ, just do not make him the reason you are leaving W. Bad juju there which will color your future with BJ.
Ok, today's lecture is over. Sorry i went on and on.. it's what i do...
hugs as always though.

Al Laddin said...

At least my blowup/meltdown was of the sudden, expectedly/unexpected, cataclysmic/apocalyptic variety.

This teeth grinding, tension inducing, waiting for the other shoe to drop kind is so tough to deal with and live with...but sometimes it's the way. Not the best way...not the only way...but "a" way and the way it is.

You're dealing with it TS, and methinks better than YOU think you are. You're so hard on yourself, and you try so hard to do the right things. I get to have an opinion, and mine is that you are a great person.

Peace be with you, and your Spirit during this time, and always.

Fiona said...

It's just not your time yet TS. But it IS your ball, not W's. You'll bring it into play when it feels right for you. Nothing and noone can preempt that.

Steff said...

I know what this is going to sound like, but I don't mean it to. I'm sorry in advance. What a promising way to start a comment!

Anyway, what exactly did you survive...dinner with your husband? I agree that both of you (you and BJ) have to take unpleasent steps to leave behind your old life. He's done it. Are you still struggling with following suit?

See, it did come across a little harsh, but I couldn't think of a way to ask the questions without it doing that. I realize that my comment comes from the point of view of someone who isn't married and doesn't understand all the ramifications of dissolving a marriage. This just seems to be causing you such distress...why are you putting off moving on to something better?

Trueself said...

Mia - Thank you. I know you're in our corner. BTW, have a great time this weekend. ;-)

Serenity - No problem on the unsolicited advice. I'm trying (really trying) not to muddy the waters, but I'm sure I'm not always successful. I do try to focus on what will be best for N and for me. Lately, I just keep coming back around to the fact that we've tried counseling but things don't improve. Not much of a future there.

Al - Thanks and thanks for the call. I am hard on myself, my own worst critic. Sometimes it protects me from other people being hard on me. . .

Fiona - Yes, I think I'll get there just as BJ did. It took him a long time to make that move, but he did and in spite of the fallout claims he has no regrets in doing it. I'm hoping to feel the same way when I make my move.

Steff - Wow. After that first bit I was afraid to read the rest of your comment! But I did, and given the warning, it wasn't as bad as you might have thought. Good questions.
What did I survive? An evening filled with anxiety because I didn't know what the outcome would be, didn't know how things would go for BJ, didn't know if his wife would call me and scream at me, didn't know if W and I might end up having the same talk that evening.

Am I still struggling to leave? Yes, very much so, because I feel an obligation based on my vows and am finding it hard to admit to myself that I have already failed those vows and need to move on.

Why am I putting off moving on to something better? See answer to last question.

And Steff I think you are right that it is harder for you to understand because you are not married. Please think long and hard before getting married. Make sure you really know what you're getting into before you do it. Don't jump into a marriage without understanding your reasons for doing so and asking yourself if they are the right reasons to tie yourself to someone for life. It is so much easier not to get in at all than to get out later.