Will I Ever Grow Up?

An interesting discussion occurred between W and me a couple of days ago. I was explaining to him that I would be busy this weekend with a pajama party on Saturday night and a cookout on Sunday afternoon with my new circle of friends.

His initial reaction was that I could only do it if it was okay with N, that as a mom my primary obligation is to the family. My initial reaction was a mixture of anger at that assertion and feeling guilty that maybe he was right. So I started to think it through while we discussed it, and finally came to the conclusion that I am not being selfish to want this time for me with people other than my family.

W’s argument is that because I am a working mom the only times I have with N are the evenings and weekends so I should make him my top priority during those times. So far in his life, other than the three months while I lived here and they lived in LOH, I’ve pretty much done that. I gave up singing in the church choir, gave up attending Bible study, gave up my position on church council, stopped attending happy hours after work with coworkers. I pretty much went to work and came home so I could take N off of W’s hands. Now when N was a baby that made some amount of sense because W was trapped all day at home caring for him 100%. Because I was working full time W also did most of the middle of the night care too. So it really did make sense that I would relieve him of duty when I got home and let him have a bit of a life too.

Does this, at this point, still make sense? I feel like I’ve lost me. Is it unfair to want time for me? I don’t think so. W now has his days free until N gets home from school. Sure there are things that need to get done around the house, but he still has the freedom to come and go as he pleases, attending classes, exploring yet another fly by night get rich quick scheme, or whatever else he does during the day. But what about me? So far, I’ve been allowed out one evening per month to become a member and attend meetings of a civic organization. I can go for walks for exercise but only if I take N and the dog with me. W even suggested I could return to church choir if they practice at the same time the kids are having an activity at church. Oh yes, and I can go get my hair done once a month all by myself. Other than that, I’m supposed to spend “family time.”

Then earlier this month I went and spent an afternoon (4 whole hours) meeting some new people who share a common bond with me as recounted here. We decided to have once a month get togethers. For September, because of the holiday weekend we decided to have both the pajama party and cookout. Not everyone can make both, but some will. For me to attend both would mean both a whole evening and afternoon away from my family. I think this is reasonable. W does not, or at least didn’t at first. I’ve pretty much made it clear that whether he likes it or not I AM doing this. It isn’t as if I am like Joe Flirt’s wife who goes out almost every night of the week. I’m wanting less than 24 hours of a three day weekend.

But, you know, here’s the real question. Why do I still feel the need to justify myself to a man that I can barely tolerate? Why don’t I just leave, be on my own and do my own thing? Yeah, I’d like the answers to that too.

A Day at The Beach

I've been reading a particular blog for a long time that isn't in my list on the right. It's on my list that I read from my other blogger persona. She posts under the name Sandy and calls her blog A Day at The Beach. I was struck by two particular posts and would like to share them with my blogger friends:

Prodigal

and

Two Cent Psychologist on Marriage

Give her a try. See what you think.

Trueself as Writer?

I have books inside me just waiting to be written. I really believe I could write a book, actually I have ideas for three books. Non-fiction is my realm though. I don't think I could write a novel. Maybe I could, but doubtful.

There has never been a time in my life until recently when I thought that I might be a writer. I'm a numbers person, always have been. I loved math from the get go. Math is good. Math is logical and makes sense. Writing on the other hand is very free form, a creative endeavor. Writing has some rules, but not the kind that dictate like math does so writing isn't as natural to me as math.

Now, however, after blogging for a year and a half I find that not only can I write, but that I enjoy writing. I enjoy giving voice to thoughts in my head, recording them in a way that allows me to set them outside my head clearing it for other thoughts. It gives me a place to store my thoughts so that I don't have to dwell on them.

Recently, it has come to my attention (thanks to suggestions from others) that I might actually have a book or two inside me waiting to get out. Will it ever materialize? I don't know, but at least it is no longer something of which I feel incapable. I do believe that given the time and proper self-discipline that I just very well could write a book. And the topic? Well, I'm not prepared to share that just yet. No, I feel the need to work on it a bit first, have the book much farther along before ever sharing much about it or its topic with the outside world.

Then again, maybe this is all just another way of distracting myself from my life and the actions that need to be taken there.

Just a Mish Mash

Having not a coherent thought in my head here are some random thoughts flitting through:

• N is growing up so very fast. He’s only a foot shorter than my mom, he’s only 3 shoe sizes away from mine, and he’s starting third grade. Where did the time go?


• W doesn’t get that the way he talks to people is not kind. He just doesn’t get it. Why do I keep holding out hope that someday he will get it? Why do I even think he might change?


• BJ and I have plans to see each other in late September. It is so nice to have something to which I can look forward.


• I can’t help but wonder, and worry, about how “Finished Last” is doing. It’s amazing how much you can come to care about someone that you’ve never actually met.


• Why isn’t it as hard to get into a marriage as out of it?


• When will I ever learn to stop being intimidated and stand up for myself?

Home Again, Home Again

Yes, the Trueself clan made it back safe and sound. There were very few temper tantrums and no tears from anyone so let's chalk this up to a successful vacation, shall we? As a matter of fact, N said as we left the amusement park that this was the best vacation ever. I thought, but didn't say, that I thought that was kind of sad that this was the best we'd ever managed -- two nights in a campground with a day at an amusement park.

Highlights (and lowlights) of the trip:

• A massive headache awakened me in the middle of the night on the night before the trip. After mucho medication and a heat pack on my neck I managed to get some sleep before we left, and N and W let me sleep in that morning.
• We started our trip in blue skies and sunshine. By the time we arrived at the campground we were in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. Fortunately, we were renting a cabin and not tent camping.
• N spent most of his campground time with the other kids there, completely ignoring W and me. Sadly, that made me happy because it gave me some peace and quiet.
• When we arrived at the amusement park we started by doing it N's way, which was to walk from one end to the other, back and forth to get to the next ride he wanted to ride. About an hour in I couldn't take it anymore and insisted that we make our way around in an orderly fashion riding what we wanted as we got to them.
• I forgot my swimsuit so at the waterpark I laid on a lounge chair while N swam and played in the water. I love to swim and hated that I missed out, but at least I spared myself what probably would have been an inevitable sunburn.
• Denny's makes greasier omelets than I thought humanly possible. At least the toast was decent.
• Dad doesn't want Mom to talk to anybody about his cancer or the treatments for it. Being Mom, of course she can't resist talking about it, but with the warning that I have to not let him know she's talking to me about it. I know he doesn't want us worrying about him, but damn it, not knowing makes me worry just as much or more.
• The doctors found a spot on his liver so in addition to the treatment for the colon cancer Dad is also being given radiation on the spot on his liver. He has turned down further surgery.
• W just couldn't wait to leave yesterday, insisting we had to leave my parents' house no later than noon so we could get N home in time for his soccer practice. We arrived home two hours early. I did not indulge the urge to say "I told you so."

Well, that's it, our long weekend in a nutshell.

Oh, and W wants to plan a trip to Hawaii, shades of BJ's trip last year with his wife to Las Vegas. Will Trueself follow in BJ's footsteps and have a similarly grand time, or will I grow some balls and say no? Stay tuned fellow travelers. We shall see. (Of course, he had to go and make it almost impossible to refuse by offering to go over while the Illini are playing in the preseason tourney there.)

Vacation, or at Least Time Away

Well, we’re off for a long weekend, a bit of a vacation before N starts school. We’ll be visiting an amusement park on Saturday. If you happen to be there and see a couple of weary and grumpy looking parents with a whiney young boy you’ve spotted us. Yes, that’ll be us particularly if you see such a group fully decked out in Illini gear since that’s the way we usually travel. The orange keeps us visible (well, unless we’re attending an Illini game in which case the orange keeps us camouflaged).

We’re trying to locate a buddy of N’s to go along with us, but so far we’ve come up nil. The worst part of this is that it will mean either W or I (rarely W, mostly I) will have to ride things that will leave me wondering why I even tried to eat an overpriced amusement park lunch if I was just going to regurgitate it later. Can you tell that I’m approaching this with an exemplary attitude? Anyone out there willing to loan me a boy in the 7-10 year old age range for the weekend? Please? One that doesn’t get homesick with perfect strangers (not that we’re perfect by any means, but we would at least be strangers of the strangest kind) and enjoys riding beastly wicked amusement park rides?

We’ll wrap up the long weekend with a visit with my parents. Yes, we are just pulling out all the stops for this family vacation. Sigh. . . Of course, that’s what I get for using most of my vacation time for moving (oh and a visit with BJ a while back) not to mention the money spent for the move that depleted the funds that could’ve been used for a proper vacation. Well, on top of that, I’m not too sure W and I really want/need/ought to vacation together at this juncture. He’s kind of like an extra appendage of which I can’t quite rid myself without drastic surgery, but I’m not yet willing to undergo the surgery.

Oh yeah, we’re just the kind of family you’d want to subject your young son to for a few days. I promise when he returns he’ll behave so much better for you having learned just how good he has it at your house.

The Rant Ain't Over Yet

I am feeling particularly antsy today. I am not unhappy yet not happy either. I am anxious, very anxious, waiting for something to happen. What? Not a clue, but I feel like I’m in the calm before the storm. Something is brewing somewhere just waiting to upset the relative stability of my current life. Something is out there waiting for just the right moment to pounce, to disrupt and stir up and cause chaos. Agitated – that’s the word for what I am right now. Agitated, but without a clear way to pinpoint a cause.

A cause, hmmmm, well, if I think hard enough and get really honest with myself I guess the main cause is the pain and uncertainty that several friends from the blogosphere as well as real life are suffering at the present. I’m a helper. You have a problem? I want to help. I want to make it all better. If everybody would just behave themselves the way I think they ought then the world would be a better place. Ha! Trueself, supreme benevolent dictator of the Trueworld. There’s one for you. If that doesn’t give you a laugh then you’re visiting the wrong blog.

So as I’m writing this little self-indulgent (for if not in one’s own blog then where should one be self-indulgent) diatribe I picked up a book (Experiencing God by Henry T. Blackaby and Claude V. King) that a coworker left for me today after lunch. It is a workbook to be used in an upcoming Bible study at her church that she has invited me to attend. I leafed through it and the following heading caught my eye: Helping Each Other Obey. Curious, I read the section. The following excerpt from the section vindicated me in what I said in yesterday’s sermon blog post:

Many modern day churches have shied away from discipline in the church. One reason is that sometimes church discipline was abused in years past. Churches used discipline in frivolous or vindictive ways that did not demonstrate a loving and caring spirit. . . As a pastor, I determined I would not get upset because people were spiritually sick. I just saw that as the reason God put me there. I set about to love them back to health. I have never found God’s people unresponsive when correction comes as a genuine demonstration of love.

When God disciplines His children, He is demonstrating perfect love for them (Heb. 12:6). If we love our brothers and sisters we will discipline them in a loving manner to help them return to fellowship with God. This is a way we can help each other, but it must be done only out of a spirit of love. The Bible gives us some guidelines about loving discipline:

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matt. 18:15-17).

Do you remember the instructions of 1 Corinthians 13 about godly love? Love will be patient and kind. Some who have strayed may require much loving before they return. Loving discipline requires that you first approach a person privately. Any discipline should only come at God’s direction. Loving discipline will call for much fervent prayer. Do not be hasty in moving to stages two, three, or four. You, too, are a sinner saved by God’s grace. Someday you may need the loving correction of a Christian friend. Treat others as you would want to be treated. In so doing you may win the lasting friendship of your Christian brother or sister.

There. That’s what’s bugging me. What’s bugging me is how messed up the Christian community has become with regards to the discipline of sinners. Anyone who has read what I’ve written before and concluded that I don’t believe that sinners should be accountable for their sins or that we should happily turn a blind eye to sin have sorely misinterpreted my writings. I believe strongly in loving discipline, in both parts of that phrase, the loving as well as the discipline. I believe that Christian society (in general, I’m sure there are pockets of better behavior in places) has split down the middle either moving too far in the direction of loving without discipline (anything goes) or too far in the direction of discipline without loving (kick ‘em out if they’re found out).

That’s all. I feel better now.

Sermon on the Rant

Okay, I know earlier I said all I had time for today was a bit of fluff. Not true, particularly not after reading over on Finished Last’s blog that his blog’s been found by a close friend of his and the repercussions of this. It stirred up a passion in me for a post that's been on my mind for some time now. The opinions expressed here are mine and mine alone although I like to think that God has helped me a little along the way. Any examples I use are from my head and while possibly composites of discussions with several people I know they are not in any way reflective of any one person’s experiences so please don’t try to think that I am telling any particular person’s story, but bits and pieces from the lives of many interwoven with my own wonderful and colorful imagination. I am trying to make a general point not vindicate or indict anyone here. Let your own conscience be your guide in deciding if I'm speaking about you or not. Also, please note that I am speaking from a Christian perspective because Christianity is my background and that from which I draw my conclusions. Your actual mileage may vary.

Pastors of churches don’t have an easy life by any means. They are, first and foremost, servants of God. They are, like the rest of us, human. They have to struggle with and juggle the call of God, the demands of their parishioners and others within whatever hierarchy exists in their particular denomination, and their own humanness. I think it takes an extraordinary person to successfully navigate all those pieces.

In this particular post I want to examine one of these aspects more than the other two although all three are important pieces. I, however, as a layperson have less impact on a pastor’s relationship with God or his/her own human frailties than I do with the demands that we, his/her community, place on him/her. (Oh for heaven’s sake henceforth I’m using male pronouns in this thing but please know that I am not trying to exclude females as I strongly believe they can be and ought to be allowed to be pastors just as well as males.)

We have expectations of our pastors, sometimes very unrealistic expectations. We expect them to be there when we need them. We expect them to comfort us in our sorrows, to share in our joys, to conduct services the way we think they ought to be conducted. We expect them to go along with our church traditions. We expect. We expect a lot. Most pastors I’ve known, and I’ve known many on a social level as well as through church, are tired. Most love their work, but they are tired because of the demands on them. I have yet to hear one of them however complain about how tired they are. They just keep right on doing what they’ve been called to do. In this day of cell phones and email and the like they are at their flock’s beck and call night and day. For the most part I haven’t heard resentment from them of this. They accept that they are “first responders” in their parishioners’ crises.

As their flock, how do we react to their loving care? We hold them to a higher standard than the average person. We hold the expectation that they are above sin, but they are not. They are human just as we all are. They sin just as we all do. Who among us doesn’t sin? (Oh that’s right, sure Mom, sit down. We know you haven’t sinned since you accepted Christ in 1956. God bless you Mom for being such a saint for more than 50 years.) So how should we, as sinners, treat our pastor if he has sinned? Should we kick him out? No, I don’t think we should. Should we ignore it altogether? No, not at all. Should we try to empathize and minister to him? Yes! But I say yes here advisedly because too many will feel that the way to minister to him is to batter him into submission. What I mean by ministering is to comfort him, help him to work through his situation just as he would do for us.

Here’s a radical question for you. Can getting married be a sin? I believe it can. But how? How can this holy estate be a sin? When it is entered into by those who shouldn’t be entering into it I believe it is a sin to have married. Does the end justify the means? No! Most will agree with that statement. But if marriage is the means to an end such as “I can finally have sex” or “I need the security he can provide” or “If I don’t marry now I may never get another chance” or “My biological clock is running down so I better snag somebody before it’s too late” or “It will look better to be married in my profession” then I think that those ends do not justify the means and the person you marry, if done for those reasons, has been wronged. Therefore, by marrying that person you committed a sin.

Let’s then look at the man who marries a woman not for the right reason, that of wanting to spend an eternity with her, to live his life in partnership with her building a life of caring and compromise between them, but for any number of other reasons. He has sinned. He covers that sin with more sin. He lies to his wife about his reasons for marrying her. More sin results as he indulges in any number of behaviors to try to fill in the missing pieces from his life. Sin compounds upon sin. Now imagine this man is a pastor. As long as he keeps quiet and continues to sin quietly, nobody is the wiser, and everybody is happy – on the surface. Underneath though, many can be hurt by this swelling bundle of sin. Eventually, more than likely, the ball of yarn will come unraveled and cause all manner of mess within the life of the pastor, his family and his congregation.

Now, what if this same man, after having committed the sin of marrying for the wrong reasons, repented of that sin by doing all that he could to remediate the situation? Let’s say he goes to his wife, confesses his true reasons for marrying, and divorces her. Isn’t that more an act of kindness than to weave a years long tapestry of lies? Isn’t that true confession and repentance? At that point, shouldn’t the church rejoice that this man, their young pastor, has turned his life around? But in most congregations of my knowledge that would not be the reaction with which he would be met. He would be met with scorn and derision. Therefore, without an incredible amount of personal strength, he would choose to hide behind the lies and maintain the status quo rather than face letting down those around him.

In the end, what I'm trying to say is this: as congregants we should support our pastors, and hold them to reasonable standards, but not to such a degree that they must step down if they are willing to admit to sin. God does not require that of any of us. We shouldn't either.

So ends today’s sermon. Please give generously as the offering plate passes your way.

Just Fluff

That's all I have time for today -- a little fluff that was passed along to me via email. I share it because in spite of the humor in it I believe there is a whole lot of truth to it, at least where I'm concerned.

9 WORDS/PHRASES WOMEN USE

1. Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever
Is a women's way of saying F--- YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Ambling Rambling

I am not quite sure I can articulate what’s going on in my lil’ ole’ brain lately. Lots of stuff in there (besides green slimy snot from my head cold, the precursor to my current chest cold), but I’m just not sure I can put the feelings in words.

How am I feeling these days?
Jumpy. . . Irritable. . . Touchy. . . Over stimulated. . . Unmotivated. . . Scared. . . Uncertain. . . Uncomfortable. . . Paralyzed.

I’m at that point where I just want to disappear and pop up somewhere new and reinvent myself one more time. I feel like I’ve opened myself up too far to some, not enough to others. I feel backed into a corner. I feel the need to pull back and regroup. I fear pulling back and regrouping for I fear no further progress will be made if I don’t keep moving constantly forward.



Then again maybe it’s just PMS, and if we all just wait long enough I’ll be better. Fair warning though that the first person to agree with that last statement will stumble away with at least one black eye. Grrrrrrr.


In a fit of midlife crisis thinking I am really badly wanting a tattoo – a basketball swishing through a hoop – at the top of my right arm.

Through very little snooping plus putting together information given to me by the blogger him or herself, I managed to locate the real life identity of one of the bloggers I read regularly. It made me feel happy that I was able to do it, but a little freaked out because I wondered if I would be as easy to find. After all, I know I’m not going to stalk my found blogger, but I’m not sure I could say the same if certain readers found me.

Then again, on a certain level I believe that I really do want to be “outted” at least to W. Part of me just wants to be who I am, to really be me rather than the façade that I have to show to keep peace. Another part of me is terrified for that to happen. After all, if W knew about all my shenanigans then it could impact custody of N, not to mention that W might just feel it necessary to share his knowledge with those who he knows I wouldn’t want to know.

My cold is better. Even the congestion in my chest is better. I still sound awfully gravelly when I talk though so no singing allowed for a bit until this gets better. No need in hurting the vocal cords.

I love to sing and have a decent singing voice (even been told that by professional singers). Maybe due to vanity but I wish I could find a church where I could sing the occasional solo or in a small ensemble instead of just being one of many in the choir. Why do church musicians have to be so darn cliquey?
Occasionally, I have to remind myself that the one person you can never escape is yourself. No matter how far I run I will always be there. In other words, running ain’t gonna help nuttin’ so I might as well just stay put and keep on plugging away.

I fried okra the other night which I hadn’t done in a long time. I did it the real way, rolling thick slices in cornmeal and salt, and frying it up in a cast iron skillet, turning each piece with a fork so that every piece came out golden brown on both sides. Yum. So much better than any fried okra I ever get in restaurants. I think I’ll buy some squash at the farmer’s market and fry it up next.

The perfect summer dinner: Corn on the cob, green beans with a few shelly beans thrown in, fried okra and squash, cornbread, sliced tomatoes, iced tea (sweet of course). To make it really perfect, serve peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream for dessert. I can’t tell you the last time I had that particular supper, but we got pretty darned close the last time we were at my parents’ house.

For somebody who started out feeling like she couldn’t articulate her current thoughts well, I at least ended up with a large quantity, if not quality, of writing here. Guess I’m getting over that cold after all.

Meme a Little Meme

Just so you know Digger Jones apparently has a bit of a mean streak, a yen for revenge. Yes, just because I tagged him for a meme he felt the need for payback and do likewise. Ha, ha. That'll teach me won't it?

Anyway, on to the meme:

Answer the following, and be sure to link to their blogs. This is an efficient and cheap and shameless way to increase traffic.

1. Blogger who is most like me:
Oh boy, this is a tough one. Obviously, nobody is exactly like me although I probably see a lot of myself in Freebird although I sometimes see myself more in her Mr. E from some of his actions, but I aspire to be as brave as she is.

2. Blogger I read who is LEAST like me.
Gotta be FTN. First, he's a man so right there we're opposites. But also, he is a faithful spouse, a fine temperate man who chooses not to indulge in porn and masturbation. Yeah, he's about as opposite of me as you can get.

3. Name 3 bloggers of the same sex you’d like to have drinks with.
Okay, the hardest part of this is to limit it just to three because there are at least a dozen with whom I'd like to have drinks. If I limit it to those on the same continent with me so it is somewhat more likely to happen someday I'll choose
(1) Stinkypaw because she was the first to comment on this blog and has a great moral compass,
(2) Serenity because I know I could count on her to play devil's advocate during the discussion, and
(3) Unspoken Drama because she understands where I am, and I understand where she is, and we could cry on each other's shoulders after we've had a drink or two too many.

4. Name 3 bloggers of the opposite sex you’d like to share a hot tub with.
This one is much easier:
(1) BJ. Okay, you had to see that one coming, right?
(2) Al Laddin because he is just so darned much fun to flirt with I'd love to have the chance to flirt in person.
(3) Joe Flirt because he needs to have a bit of fun in his life.
Can't say just what would happen in that hot tub, or even if we'd manage to contain ourselves to just the hot tub, but I'm feeling all hot and steamy just thinking of the possibilities.

5. Which blogger would you vote for in a political campaign?
This is a tough one. I have pretty particular tastes when it comes to politicians, but I have to say if Emily were running in an election in my jurisdiction I'd vote for her. She is very thoughtful in her approach to things, not prone to kneejerk reactions nor do I think she would be persuaded to vote against her convictions on issues.

6. You are thrown into a dimension where you can read one, and only one, blog. Which one is it?
Oh dear. This is the toughest question of all for me. I couldn't possibly give up any of my regular reads! I'd die! I'd just wither up and dry out and die. Sigh. . . Oh well, if I really had to pick just one it would be Finished Last for a couple of reasons. He's a good writer, he's drawn me in to the story of his life, and I really need to know how it turns out (I'm hoping for the happy ending that I always hope for in life as well as in my reading), and he and I have become email friends so I care even more about how he's doing.

7. Which blogger is living a life you think YOU might like to be living.
Not sure since in spite of the ups and downs and all it's flaws I'm liking my own life thank-you-very-much. However, I might like to be living Fiona's life. She seems to have it all together.

Tag three people and you’re on your way!
Hmm, three victims people to tag.
Let's see.
Okay here goes.
I'm picking bloggers who haven't blogged a lot lately in the hopes that this meme will kickstart them. ;-)
(1) Andy,
(2) Desperate Husband
(3) Aphron

Auspicious Date

Today is quite the day. August 16. Many reflections on this day.

Julie Newmar (catwoman in the Batman TV series) – turns 72 today. I loved the Batman TV series when I was just a pup. Wouldn’t miss it. My favorite parts? Where either innocent victims or Batman and/or Robin would be tied up and “tortured.” I was kinky even as a tot.

Madonna – turns 49 today. She’s a bit older than me, a bit more famous and loads weirder. I like her.






Elvis – died on this date some 30 years ago. I was upstairs in the hallway headed to the bathroom when I heard of it on my transistor radio that I carried everywhere with me in junior high and high school. My reaction was “So what? He’s an old fat has-been.” Now I’m a few years older and many pounds heavier than he was when he died. Hmm.

What can I say? These are just the ruminations of an oxygen-deprived asthmatic suffering from a chest cold. Excuse me while I go try to cough up some more green phlegm. . . hopefully without peeing my pants. . .

Music to Convalesce by

Closed Due to Illness

Nothing major, but I have no energy whatsoever to devote to this for the next few days. I'll know I'm feeling better when I feel up to blogging again!

Accountants Gone Wild

What? You didn't know that accountants had a wild side? Oh yeah baby. We are wild and crazy.

First a little tax rap:


Next, a "news story" documenting the dangers of rogue accountants:


And finally, you know this will be a blocbuster movie:


Now if those videos didn't convince you that we accountants are wild, happenin' folks, then there's just no hope for you. None at all.

Just Another Day

PART I - The Morning
Just floundering here. Nothing new to report. Nothing new happening in Trueself’s world. All continues status quo. Life sucks. I continue to overthink every little thing. I continue to struggle with the phone phobia.

How I hate when I finally work up the courage to do a little thing like calling a hair salon for an appointment, making sure to call during their open hours, only to be told by their standard closed hours voicemail message that only cancellations can be left on voicemail and please call back during their business hours. Great. Thank you. For nothing. Now I don’t even know how a “normal” person responds to this situation. Keep calling back in hopes you’ll get a real person? Well, sure, I could do that except that it takes me literally hours to get myself built up to a place where I can make that call, and once flustered by a nonsensical result it takes some more time to get back to that place where I can make that call again. Actually, I could almost do it right away easier than waiting until later, but I’m afraid turning around and calling back right away would just garner the same result.

So now here are all the thoughts and questions running through my mind (remember I overthink everything):
• I hate them for not answering the phone.
• Now I want to just give it up and go somewhere else.
• I can’t give up and go somewhere else because last night I promised a hair stylist that I met that I would make an appointment with her.
• Why did they have that stupid “business closed” voicemail message when I called? I specifically waited more than an hour after their stated opening time to call just to avoid crap like that.
• What do I say when I call? I’ve practiced several scripts in my head. They all make me sound like a complete dork. Maybe because I am a complete dork.
• Why couldn’t they just answer the damn phone when I called?
• If I don’t make that appointment I’ll never be able to go back to a certain group where I met this hair stylist.
• I am wasting way to much time stewing over this.
• Can I call back yet? Is it too soon?
• Will their phone show my number on their caller ID display leading them to (God forbid) call me back?
• The whole mess just makes me want to cry.

Okay, there’s more, but you get the picture. All of these thoughts just rolling through my lil’ ole’ brain, not just once, but over and over and over. It becomes so consuming I have trouble concentrating on work. Then again, I worry that if I put it out of my head to concentrate on work I never will make that call. And I need to make that call. If you were to see my hair now you’d understand. . . really.

PART II - The Afternoon
So at 3:30 p.m. I finally got the gumption (5 hours after my first failed attempt) to call the hair salon again. This time, lo and behold, I got a real live person. . . and she was nice to me. . . and she set up an appointment for me for this Saturday. . . and everything went just fine. . . and I only sounded like a dork once, when I mispronounced the name of the stylist I want to see. I knew that was going to happen. We have only met online so I’d only seen her name not heard it before. That bugs me because I hate HATE HATE when people mispronounce my name (which is why I don’t go by my unpronounceable formal name). I could just kick myself. Oh well, one instance of dorkiness isn’t all that bad I guess. I lived through it. At least when I go to the appointment on Saturday I won’t mispronounce it to her face. I now know it’s an “aw” sound not a short a sound like I had guessed, and unlike some who meet me and consistently mispronounce my name I will take care to pronounce hers the proper way from here on out.

Well, it only took living here a bit over six months for me to finally call a hair salon for an appointment. Wonder how much longer before I can make that call to get the brakes on my car serviced? Will it be before they fail completely and send me careening across the flat plains of the Midwest with nothing to stop me but the occasional collapsed bridge? Let’s hope.

Yep! That's Me. . .

and it's probably way more than you wanted to know about me.

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Bottom!

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Stressed

I have been stressing all morning. I have been stressing out over couple’s counseling. I was thinking it was tonight. Ha! The joke’s on me. It isn’t until Thursday night. We had to reschedule because I have another commitment tonight, a meeting of a civic organization that I’m joining.

Why does couple’s counseling stress me so? Only because I approach every week nervous and afraid that I will not speak the truth. . . or that I will speak the truth. Either way I’m screwed. If I don’t speak the truth then I continue to be caught in this trap prison pit of despair marriage. If I do speak the truth then I will set into motion a fearful journey into the unknown, into self-reliance. Sometimes I think I could be self-reliant. Other times I am quite convinced I could not be.

Okay, it all comes down to this. My phone phobia and overwhelming shyness is getting in the way of me being the self-reliant person I want to be. I keep hedging this thing because I rely on W to take care of things that I won’t can’t handle due to my social anxiety and fear. Okay, there it is in a nutshell. That’s the big stumbling block. I admit it. Crap. I don’t know how to overcome it. I’ve tried many times in my life, and then when the pressure starts to get too overwhelming I retreat back into myself, more a recluse than before. I feel that pressure building and the temptation for retreat is great, very great, at this time. Part of me wants the pressure released so that I can continue to function. Part of me doesn’t because I want something to force me to become that self-reliant person I need to be. So I won’t ask anyone to relieve that pressure, and I just hope and pray that I can find a way to work through it instead of turning tail and running from it.

Crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

Weak or Not?

Is it a weakness to want a friend with me, someone who would back me up, when I tell W that it really is honest-to-goodness over?

I know I need to be strong and stand on my own two feet.

It isn't as though I think he would get violent. That just is not, and never has been, his style. I just feel like I'll back down. . . again. . . when he starts with all the reasons we should stay together.

Am I too hard on myself for thinking it's a weakness to need support? Or too easy on myself for trying to justify my not being able to do this by myself?

Then again, I don't have any friends in real life that I could ask to serve in that capacity so I guess it's really all a moot point anyway. Somehow I'm going to have to find a way to stand tall and do this all by myself.

-------------------------------------------------------
LATE EDIT:

So I just had flowers, a truly beautiful bouquet, delivered to me at the office. When the receptionist called to tell me I had them I was stunned. Who would've sent me flowers? It ain't my birthday or any other special occasion. Then I kind of chuckled to myself as I head to reception to pick them up wondering how many other people would have as many people as possibilities for having sent the flowers. Was it BJ or W or one of the women I met on Saturday that may have taken a fancy to me? I saw that my name as written on the outside of the envelope was my formal name, the name I don't use, so then my thought became "Why did my parents send me flowers?!?" I opened the card to find that the flowers were from . . .





















W.

Ugh. Of all the people that could have sent them, he was the last person in the world I wanted to receive flowers from. If they weren't so damned perfectly beautiful I'd throw them away, or give them to somebody else.

Meme for a Lazy Sunday

Bunny tagged me for this meme so since I don't have a lot else I want to say today I might just as well get on with it, eh?

It’s very simple. When this is passed on to you, copy the whole thing, skim the list and put a * star beside those that you like. (Check out especially the * starred ones.)Add the next number (1. 2. 3. 4. 5., etc.) and write your own blogging tip for other bloggers. Try to make your tip general. After that, tag 10 other people. Link love some friends! Just think– if 10 people start this, the 10 people pass it onto another 10 people, you have 100 links already!

1. Look, read, and learn. *****-http://www.neonscent.com/
2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. *****-http://www.bushmackel.com/
3. Don’t let money change ya! ****-http://www.therandomforest.info/
4. Always reply to your comments.**-http://chattiekat.com/
5. Develop your own "voice" don't "borrow" someone else's***-Mizmouthy
6. Always avoid awesomely annoying and aggravating alliteration. Bunny
7. Write for yourself not for your audience. Trueself

I'm not going to tag, but I will invite the following bloggers to participate in this if they so choose: BJ , Al, Fiona, Freebird, Serenity, Mia, Digger, Cat, All of Her Secrets, and Val
If you aren't listed here it isn't that I don't love and value you for I love and value each and every one of my readers. I just tried to pick people I thought wouldn't mind me picking on them and/or I thought they would have something good to add to the list.

What a Day

It's really been a day in three parts:

PART I
This morning I read BJ's post from last night. It brought tears to my eyes when I read it. I felt absolutely awful that he was down and lonely and alone. If only I weren't hundreds of miles away things would be so very different. Fortunately he and I were able to talk, first via IM, then on the phone. We had what I think were some really good, really important discussions. When it comes right down to it other than N BJ is the most important person in my life, and I told him so today. It's probably not the first time I've said it, but he really needed to hear it today. Also, I told him that if he really needs me to be with him this weekend I would drive up to see him today and take whatever consequences come from it. I knew that what that would mean would be telling W the truth about me and BJ, and I do worry what that would do in terms of custody fights between W and me. Fortunately, as we talked BJ and I both came to our senses, realized that we are on the right path right now and don't need to do anything impetuous. We both felt better after we talked I think. I know he sounded like he was in a better place.

PART II
The reason I had time to talk to BJ for a while was that I had something of a drive to and from my meeting today with other bi women from the area. It was a great experience. Only five of us attended. We had a good time and are looking forward to expanding the group. We introduced ourselves to one another, and as part of our introductions we included whether we have a significant other, whether they are supportive of our sexuality, when we realized we were bi, whether we had explored our bi sides, and whether or not we are out. Even with just five of us there we ran the gamut of totally out to not out, experienced to no experience, in open to closed relationships. We were a diverse group. Interestingly enough, all five of us are married. I am the least "out" of the group. The only people that know that I'm bi that are currently in my life are online friends/acquaintances except for W and BJ who both know. They are the only ones IRL who know. The only others who have ever known were people with whom I had bi relationships or with whom I at least considered having a bi relationship. None of my family members know nor would they understand. It was an interesting discussion we had finding many common issues and feelings. It was great too talk in a group where we could be completely open about a part of our lives that in many situations is not an "acceptable" topic. What a great way to spend an afternoon! By the time we left we had our next two get togethers tentatively planned. We are going to be getting together monthly so one of the participant's husbands has already called it the "bi monthly meeting." Cool.

PART III
After I returned home, W and I had the most interesting discussion that we've had in ages. He wanted to know all about the meeting and whether I enjoyed it. I told him some basic info about the afternoon. He could see that I was very happy with how it had gone. The conversation took a completely and totally unexpected turn when W shared that we would have no problem if I had a girlfriend on the side. He is completely against me having a boyfriend on the side, but a girlfriend is perfectly okay. He doesn't desire any participation with me and this hypothetical girlfriend. So I guess he's come around to figuring if I need sex and intimacy I can use my bi side to get it as long as I don't replace him entirely. He doesn't feel threatened by women in the same way that he would with another man. This attitude took me so fully by surprise. It is quite a shift from past attitudes. He's always been all about if we were going to swing we were going to do it together. Then we had that aborted attempt at a don't ask, don't tell policy which we really still have, sort of, but he keeps such close watch on me that it is very difficult to have anything on the side (though I do manage). Now he's saying sure, go play with other women, no problem, be open about it, just no men. Does he really mean this, or is he just trying to make it more difficult for me to leave by loosening up on me? I don't know. I do know it is increasing the guilt that I feel for not wanting to be with him anymore. He is bending over so far backwards in his own way to try to keep me here. It is obvious to me that he does indeed want me to stay. However, I still want out. I want out of this marriage. I must tell him that soon. I can't continue to allow him to work so hard at making things better when I know deep down that it is at this point too little too late, that I am not going to be happy within this marriage. I need to be honest with him about that.

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Now you know what keeps BJ around. It's the hot, violent, wet, exciting sex.

Trying Times

Trying to fight something inside myself.
Trying to make myself okay with things that right now I'm not okay with.
Trying to not feel disconnected.
Trying to reconcile conflicting ideas in my head.
Trying to learn to accept people for who they are not who I want them to be.
Trying to not demand too much.
Trying to be more open to not being completely open.
Trying to figure out how much is too much to hide, how much is too much too share.
Trying to become who I genuinely am.
Trying to figure out if who I genuinely am is going to be okay with the rest of the world.
Trying to not care what the rest of the world thinks.
Trying to decide for myself right and wrong and their origins.
Trying to find where to turn for advice, insight, friendship, assistance.
Trying to decide if it is worth the effort to try so hard.

Then again, as Yoda said:
Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

John Kerry's Got Nothing on Me

I speak of waffling here. Kerry's been accused of it, but he has met his match in me. I am the self-proclaimed Waffle Queen. As such I should probably live here:
rather than where I actually live.

Can I not make a decision on anything? Must I always bounce back and forth, to and fro, until my head and stomach hurts? Is it my perfectionism that is driving me nuts? I keep putting off doing things until I know it is going to turn out just right, but that's not going to happen because this is the REAL WORLD where nothing is a sure thing. There is no absolute way to know if a choice will lead to more joy or regrets. It is impossible to really know how I'll feel 5 or 10 years down the road. Fear of the unknown immobilizes me. The uncertainty leads to indecision which leaves me, and those around me, in limbo.

Main Entry: lim·bo
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural limbos
Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin, abl. of limbus limbo, from Latin, border
Date: 14th century
1 often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism
2 a: a place or state of restraint or confinement b: a place or state of neglect or oblivion c: an intermediate or transitional place or state d: a state of uncertainty

Stupidity

Spending the week acting stupid.

MONDAY -- Threw pouty temper tantrum. Accomplished nothing.

TUESDAY -- Refused to speak truth during couples counseling. Accomplished nothing.

THIS AFTERNOON -- Tried asserting open relationship privileges. Ended up wasting time. Accomplished nothing.

TONIGHT -- Tried not to care that I was ignored. Threw another pouty temper tantrum. Accomplished nothing.

NOW -- Documenting stupid behavior in blog. Accomplishing nothing.

Maybe I better stay home in bed with the covers pulled up around my ears for the rest of the week, just to protect myself from my own stupidity.

Blah.

People Like Me

If you've noticed the countdown I currently have going in my sidebar you'll see that I'm counting down until such time as "Meeting others like me." What on earth could I mean by that?
Women in bad marriages? No.
Women commiting adultery? No.
Fat women? No.
Women with children? No.
Women with bad hair? No.
Women who blog? No.
Women with phone phobia? No.
Women who are bisexual? BINGO!! We have a winner.

If you recallthis post from last fall, I talked (apparently to myself as not one person commented on it) about being bisexual and how hard it is to feel like I fit anywhere. Turns out that there are other bisexual women out there feeling similar feelings as I have, and through the efforts of one of them a social group is forming in my neck of the woods. Notice I said SOCIAL GROUP, not swingers group, not a dating service. No, we are going to get together as a group of people who share a common bond to talk about what it means to us to be who and what we are. It will be a place where we can be open about an aspect of our lives about which we often cannot be open. I think it will be a great thing. I love that I am coming into this group just as it is forming, with our first meeting this Saturday. We've already chatted some on message boards set up by the initiator of this group, and there are some very interesting women on board. I can't wait!

Oh, and one other thing that is especially cool about this is that for the first time I can remember, rather than asking W if I could attend I told him that I was going to be joining this group and attending Saturday's meeting. That may seem like a little thing, but it is a huge step in the direction of me being independent that I didn't wait to see if it would be okay with him before deciding to do something. Ha! I'm almost a real person. One baby step at a time. . .