Yay me!

You know the Bible 100%!

 

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
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Heh, book smarts has never been a problem for me. Just common sense is what I lack, and that more than makes up for the intelligence. I would trade part of my intelligence any day for some common sense and social skills.

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You

Okay people, the hiatus is nearly over. A prolific blogger cannot step away from the blog for long although I will say that it was good to give myself a few days to think some things through.

I got caught short last week during a discussion with BJ. I will not share the particulars, but he and I differ on how much of our relationship should be “out there” in the blog world. I will also say that he has left the entire decision to me in regard to what I want to do with this blog. It was my choice to put it on hiatus while I thought through the situation and decided what my personal guidelines for my blog should be.

Let me be the first to say that I overreacted to our discussion. I made it a much bigger issue than he did. My gut reaction was one of hurt and anger. My fear factor went into overdrive. “Another person trying to control me!” it screamed. “I’ll lose him!” it cried. “Life is unbearable!” it moaned. My fear factor gets in the way a lot. Yet, if I had stopped to really listen to him, and indeed when I finally did stop to listen to him I realized I had overreacted and that he was, in fact, not trying to control me nor was I about to lose him and certainly life wasn’t unbearable unless I made it that way.

I understand his feelings on the blog and relationship to some extent and certainly respect his feelings. However, I also feel that my blog is my blog. While I do self-censor (as I think anyone would) to share what I’m comfortable sharing, I have not in the past censored for anyone else’s comfort. What I have done is warn at the beginning of a post when it is explicit so that readers can choose for themselves if they are comfortable reading that type of post. What I have also done, particularly for BJ, is to use a “write and discuss” approach. If I thought a post might take him by surprise after writing it I would warn him that it was there and offer to talk about what was in it so that we were on the same page with one another. In other words, I’ve tried not to use callous disregard when posting yet still maintained my personal integrity by posting my personal truth.

Deleting the blog altogether was never really an option to me (did I mention I overreacted?) although I did consider taking it completely private and using it just as my own personal diary and giving no one else access to it. While this option would allow me to write with absolute candor it would not really serve the purpose that I, as the author of this blog, intend for it. I have always appreciated the feedback aspect of blogging. Even though I don’t have a lot of people leaving comments some do, and I appreciate each and every one of them. I most of all appreciate the ones that challenge my viewpoint and help me see things from another side. It is so easy to become entrenched in one way of thinking about things. I try, rather than to get defensive from differing viewpoints, to learn something from them, to at least try on that way of looking at things to see if looking from another perspective can bring me new insight and perhaps even change my mind on things. Doing it through the written word often (not always) allows me the time to work through the overreaction prior to responding as opposed to conversations where I can sometimes lose my way (like I did last week).

I could, of course, take the blog private and invite just a certain circle of friends to have access to it. The reason that option does not appeal to me is that even though it is comforting to just have my little circle of friends as readers of the blog, I like having new people find my blog and comment on it. I like the new and fresh perspective someone brings when they haven’t been reading my blog long as an adjunct to those familiar and comforting friends.

In the end, there are too many positive things that I enjoy from my blog just the way it is to make any significant changes to it. I will be back soon. I’m not sure exactly when, but soon, and rest assured that any changes you may see over time will only be those that reflect who I am and my comfort level with things.

On Hiatus

Deepest Darkest Thoughts is on hiatus.

I don't know how long. Maybe a short time, maybe a long time. I can't bring myself to take it down completely right now. I need time to think. I need time to decide what I'm going to do.

Life sucks.

Black Hole Here I Come

Boy did I never ever expect this. I never saw it coming.

I may have to shut down the blog, something I was determined not to do ever, and now I feel like I have no choice.

Shit.

I have to go think this through.

Happy Birthday to Me

I share my birthday with the following famous people (some of whom I don't recognize so I've bolded the ones I do recognize):

1979 Daniel Johns (singer, guitarist)
1978 Kim Elizabeth (author, poet)
1961 Jeff Hostetler (NFL QB)
1954 Joseph Bottoms (actor)
1950 Peter Frampton (rock guitarist)
1937 Jack Nicholson (actor)
1935 Glen Campbell (actor/singer)
1928 Aaron Spelling (TV executive producer)
1925 George Cole (actor)
1916 Yehudi Menuhin (violinist)
1908 Eddie Albert (actor)
1904 J Robert Oppenheimer (head of the Manhattan project)
1899 Vladimir Nabokov (author)
1724 Immanuel Kant (philosopher)

Jeff Hofstetler and I were both born in the same year as well as the same day. Looking at our birth year in history I found the following highlights:

In 1961 (the year you were born)

John F. Kennedy becomes president of the US An estimated 1200 anti-Castro exiles aided by the US make a failed invasion of Cuba's Bay of Pigs Navy Cmdr. Alan B. Shepard Jr. becomes the first US spaceman rocketing 118 miles above the earth Hurricane "Carla" wipes out Texas gulf cities, claiming 46 lives Russian Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin makes the first manned space flight Wayne Gretzky, Henry Rollins, Fabio, George Clooney, Dennis Rodman, and Diana, Princess of Wales are born New York Yankees win the World series Green Bay Packers win the NFL championship Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup Disney's One Hundred and One Dalmatians is the top grossing film Catch-22 by Joseph Heller is published The Miracles' "Shop Around" becomes Motown's first million-selling single

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

And what's a birthday without the Beatles' birthday song?

Brought Back Down

Mom called tonight. Dad had his surgery today for the colon cancer. He's in ICU, but she says that's only because of his age according to the doctor. Apparently the surgery went well although they weren't able to take all the cancerous spots out. It appears the cancer is continuing to spread into too many places in his body to cut them all out without jeopardizing his life.

I know I'm not the first person to lose her daddy. I haven't lost him yet. Maybe he can live several more years before the cancer takes him away. Maybe not though. Maybe we don't have much more time. The very thought brings tears to my eyes.

He's only 80. He's got lots of gardening to do yet, and hunting, and Final Fours to watch, and watching his grandchildren grow up. I'm just not ready to let go yet. We were estranged for so many years and only made it back into one another's lives in the last 10 years. We need more time. I need more time. I want to hear his stories one or two or ten more times.

I'm probably overreacting. He's probably going to pull through just fine and live many more years. He's tough, and always has been. He'll fight the good fight. He always does. Or he won't pull through or will last just a short time more, and there will be one more huge thing to deal with.

Celebration

Spent the weekend with a very special man, my man, BJ. We had been planning this weekend for some time as it is the weekend before my birthday (keep those gift cards, negotiable securities and cash coming folks 'cause the budget post separation is getting tighter than a 18-year-old virgin).

We had an excellent time. We went back to the hotel where we spent our very first weekend together. We celebrated with Champagne and fun in our room on Friday night. We went out for a special dinner on Saturday night after some afternoon delight in the room. We celebrated a lot. We talked a lot. We had a great time together. Best of all, we've found a way to see each other again in only two weeks! TWO WEEKS!

I'm a happy girl.

Food for Thought

I'm too busy celebrating my birthday this weekend for a real post, but in the meantime let me just share this one question with you:

Would a strict vegan, you know the vegetarians who won't even eat honey because it's produced by bees, swallow after oral sex?

Discuss amongst yourselves, and I'll be back soon.

Shaken, not Stirred

Woke up a little after 4:30 this morning because my bed, indeed my entire house, was shaking. Hmm, earthquake, I thought. I waited for N to come in asking me what was going on, but he didn't. Apparently he can sleep through the earth's less subtle movements. I made a quick cursory check to make sure everything appeared to be okay and went back to bed.

Maybe I'm jaded by my years in California and living through the 1989 quake that postponed the World Series among other more serious consequences. It just didn't seem like that big of a deal to me. On the local TV station however they are making a huge deal out of it as well as on some of the local websites I frequent. Seems like much ado about very little to me.

Isabella's Sex Meme

That wonderfully randy rabbit Bunny has tagged me for another meme. This one gets right down to the nitty gritty. I tell you up front so you can decide whether or not to proceed further into this post.

This is Isabella’s Sex Meme. Anyone is welcome to steal it but you must post this rules blurb at the beginning of the meme:
1. You must include this link to Sex Talk - Sex Advice for Men. (I hadn't visited Isa's blog until Bunny tagged me for this meme, but I guarantee I'll be back to it in the future. Check it out if you're interested in sex.)
2. You must answer every question! If you don’t have a good answer, you are strongly encouraged to make up something good; we like to be entertained.
3. You must tag three people.

1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night?
Yes. Oh well, if I have to choose I guess at night, but only because things are so hectic at my house in the mornings.

2. Better Sex Music - Sade or Marvin Gaye?
If those are my only choices then Sade.


3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos?
Pictures are nice, but videos are even better.

4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr Doug Ross or Dr Greg House?
Dr. Doug Ross, hands down, without question.

5. Vibrator or Dildo?
Vibrator.

6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On?
Lights on!!!!!!!!!

7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt?
Pussy. In most cases, I hate the word "cunt."

8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex?
Only during sex.

9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Aeroplane?
Elevator, preferably a glass elevator. ;-)

10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North?
Good grief. Another one where there is no good choice. I guess Ron Jeremy if I had to choose. He seems more "real" to me.

11. Word Preference? Cock or dick?
As Bunny said, cock, when I'm being positive, dick when I'm being negative.

12. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson?
Linda Lovelace.

13. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape?
Rope, although I haven't tried tape so I might change my mind given the chance to try tape.

14. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex?
Receive anal sex. One of my few boundaries is that I just can't give or receive a rim job. It makes me go "Eeeewwwwwwww!!!!!!!"

15. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs?
Stripping. It's a more controlled environment, and the bouncers at the skanky bars I've been to are really protective of the dancers.

16. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl?
Both sound great, but Boy/Girl/Girl gives me the chance to indulge the bi side of me so I'll choose that one.

17. Flavoured Oil or Tingling Oil?
Flavoured I guess. Haven't had any experience with either.

18. Pearl Necklace or Swallow?
Swallow. Absolutely. Every time.

19. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex With a Stranger?
Sex while strangers watch. It appeals to the exhibitionist in me.

20. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross?
Haven't tried the cross but would like to. I know I like tied to the bed, though so I guess I'll pick that one.

Tagging the following three victims participants if they are brazen brave enough to do it:

1. BJ - just because I think I'll know most of his answers but would love to see if I'm right.
2. Drama - because what are friends for after all?
3. Mia - because she can always use a distraction from that dissertation. Right Mia? ;-)

Anybody Else Wanna Kick Me?

Men really seem to love to blindside me lately.

Scenario #1:
I got a voicemail at work from W late this morning telling me he has moved out. The movers came and moved his furniture this morning. Well, this is not a complete shock since he originally told me he’d be out on April 1 and here it is April 16. However, he did not tell me in advance when he would be leaving. He didn’t even tell me last night or even this morning as I was leaving for work. No, he decides to wait and give me a call after it is already done. Whoosh. Just like that.

It is jarring when things like this happen. I like to know ahead of time. I’m not so good with these spur of the moment announcements. However, over and over lately I’ve had to go back to something the counselor said to me recently, “This behavior isn’t so different from the behavior that was present before the split, and it was that type of behavior that contributed to the split.” Yes, dear counselor, you are so very right. His behavior is not so different. Why should I expect him to act differently just because we are splitting up? Crazy. That’s what I am. Crazy.

Scenario #2:
Boss emails a request to me for a report and asks if I can have it done by Monday. I reply back that it looks fairly simple, explain the logic to be used to capture the data, and tell him that Monday or before should be no problem. I then begin working on the request. He emails back later questioning not only my logic but the original request of the requestor and tells me to hand it over to a colleague for review. If he didn’t think I was capable of handling it (I am quite capable, and I understand it better than he does) then why did he send it my way to start? Why not just give it to the trusted colleague from the beginning? Pffft. . .

Scenario #3:
My period started today, just two days before BJ and I will be spending the weekend together. How is this a man blindsiding me? Because it's bad and it happened to me today. Reason enough right there. BTW, this may be contributing to the bitchiness in me that has come out mightily in the last couple of days. It must be a man's fault somehow. I don't know how, but I'm just sure of it.

Anybody else want to pull the rug out from under me? Anybody? Anybody?

And in other news, my birthday is now just six days away. In case you've forgotten my wish list, cash, gift cards and negotiable securities are always accepted. ;-)
(See Kimba? I didn't mention taxes first this time!)

Yawn. . .

Why am I posting at 4:00 in the morning? What can I say? Can't sleep. Slept really well earlier, in my chair in the family room. I awoke over an hour ago. Should have gone to bed at that time but didn't. I'm awake. I know that I will go to sleep in a while. I'll go up to bed, toss and turn for a bit, and eventually drift off. Then at 6:00 the alarm will go off, just as I'm sleeping really well. I'll hit the snooze button several times before finally dragging myself out of bed, rushing around to get ready for work and arriving at work just a few minutes late.

How do I know so well how this will go? History. History repeats itself. Over and over and over.

Is it any surprise I'm sleepy every day?

Happy Tax Day

Let me start the day by saying that just because it is Tax Day doesn't mean that as an accountant my life changes in any way. Not all accountants do taxes. I don't do taxes, in spite of the fact that's what I majored in for my masters degree. Nope, Tax Day is just another day to me. Life goes on. Work goes on.

Yesterday, W called me and asked for my drivers license number. I gave it to him, but being the nosy beotch that I am I asked the reason for his inquiry. Apparently, he needed it to file our state income taxes. Sounds fishy to me, but hell, I don't care if he has my drivers license number so I gave it to him. I did make inquiry on the tax front since it was my understanding that he'd filed our taxes about a month ago. His answer: "I thought so too, but I guess I didn't." WTF kind of answer is that?!?!? So today I will make doubly sure that both the federal and state (two states since we lived in two last year) taxes have been filed for us. Thank goodness next year I'll be filing on my own.

Oh yes, just so you know, my birthday is in a week. Presents are always welcome. If you can't think of a good gift, just send cash, or gift cards, or negotiable securities. I'm flexible. ;-)

Hanging Out in Limbo

Nothing much to say because everything just seems to stay the same. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo again. Sigh......................

Another Bowling for Soup song:


Call me crazy, but I love these guys.

Randomocity

You Are 53% Scary

You're a pretty normal, nice girl... but you definitely have your scary moments. As long as you acknowledge them and apologize, you'll probably keep your guy around.

Do You Scare Off Men?

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Bi girls rule!



Free Comments & Graphics

Happy Blogiversary

Two years ago today at the beginning of a huge personal crisis I started this blog. My goodness how far I've come in those two years. The time has flown by, and I can hardly believe two whole years have gone by.

I'm amazed that I've stuck with this blogging thing this long, but I must say it has become quite the addiction. Without blogging I'd be lost.

Join me now, won't you, in a little celebration:

Sweet Freedom

At least for now, I am free of W. He's gone for the weekend. I may spend some time this weekend packing up his things for him, you know, just to be helpful and all.

N and I have enjoyed ourselves so far. I love how well we get along most of the time when W isn't around. There is so little yelling when W is gone.

Yes indeed, the freedom is sweet.

Filling in a Gap

Ah yes, I realized upon reading Summer's comment to my last post that I haven't shared here on this blog that BJ and N have met. N knows BJ only as a friend of mine. Here's the story. It happened last month the weekend BJ and I reconciled and W was out of town on a fishing trip.

One thing that weekend did was give BJ and N a chance to get to meet one another. Now please understand that I only introduced BJ as a friend from out of town who wanted to go to the basketball game with us. N accepted that explanation without question and took a liking to BJ right away. N is by nature an outgoing fellow, but he is particularly happy when men pay positive attention to him since W isn’t the greatest at that. N was thrilled when I told him that my friend BJ was coming to visit and wanted to know all about him. He even asked if BJ had a girlfriend, and I told him that he did until recently but that they had just broken up very recently. When BJ arrived on Friday evening, N insisted on showing him his bedroom, what I like to call “the Illini suite” because it is really two adjoining rooms, one his bedroom and the other his playroom, and it is decorated in the Illini orange and blue.

Of course, with N in the house I wasn’t about to share a bed with BJ so all was platonic (or nearly so) on Friday night. BJ and I talked briefly that night about our situation and agreed to discuss it more the next evening when we would have time to ourselves since N would be spending Saturday night at a friend’s house.

On Saturday N, BJ and I had a great time together. We went out and had doughnuts for breakfast prior to attending the basketball game. N enjoyed showing BJ around when we went to the Assembly Hall for the game. N was appalled (as well he should be) to learn that BJ is an Iowa Hawkeyes fan, but was heartened when BJ bought an Illini hat for himself. N and I are pretty sure we can convert BJ to the Orange and Blue yet. ;-) We all had a great time at the game, last of the regular season, and the Illini won so that was good. After the game we returned home and while BJ got on his laptop to do a few things, I let N use my laptop to play some games on www.funbrain.com. I marvel at how well behaved N is when W is not around. Somehow W and N just feed off of each other and pick and poke and needle until they are both angry, frustrated and hurt. When W is not around N is just your typical kid who does typical kid things, and yes you probably have to say “No” two or three times instead of just once because he’ll try to negotiate, but he isn’t unreasonable. All of this just to say that I spent some time observing as N and BJ interacted with one another, and I liked what I saw. I liked how they got along with each other. Although it isn’t an overriding factor in BJ’s favor, it certainly is a help because anyone I might consider engaging in a serious relationship would not make it far if he didn’t get along well with N. It made me happy that N and BJ seemed to genuinely like each other.

Okay, so now you know how N knows BJ. I forgot that I hadn't mentioned that here before. As a matter of fact I combed last month's archives trying to find some mention of it and was surprised that I hadn't mentioned it. Maybe it was just too new, us being back together, for me to feel comfortable talking about it.

Kids Say the Darndest Things, Episode 373

Sometimes N just surprises the heck out of me sometimes. Tonight's conversation over dinner was one of those times.

N: Will I ever have a dad again?

TS: Dad will always be your dad.

N: I know, but will I ever have like a real dad that lives with us?

TS: Maybe, if I fall in love with a man and you get along well with him.

N: So you have to love him, and he has to be nice to me?

TS: Yes, that's pretty much it.

N: What about BJ?

TS: What about him? Do you like him?

N: Yeah, he's like a rock star.

TS: Really? Well, he lives a very long way away, and I'm not even divorced yet so I think we should just wait a while before we go there.

Hmm, Someone is in Need Here

Warning: This post contains explicit and graphic sexual language. If not your cup of tea, move along to another post or another blog. Thanks.

I had a dream last night, a very vivid dream. I can always tell when I haven't had sex in too long because I start dreaming about sex in vivid detail. I sure did last night.

Here's the dream:

I was going to visit an old high school boyfriend (no not J) who had just split up from his wife. Apparently he was really depressed over the split, particularly since he's been such a devout Christian practically his entire life. Not only did I go to visit him but so did two other friends, also women. We all arrived at his house with the intention of spending the night with him. Of course, being the good fundie Christian Will (not his real name) isn't at all budged by any of our advances, and each of the three of us women tried. I was particularly jealous of one of the women (lets call her Susie) because he seemed to show more interest in her. However, he wasn't at all interested in any kind of intimacy with any of us.

Night fell and after dinner we prepared for bed. Will stayed in his own bed, turning down my offer to share it with me. I ended up sharing the fold out sofa in the family room with Susie. I'm not sure what happened to the third woman, but I didn't see her again in the dream. Susie was really attractive with long beautiful brown hair and green eyes that captivated me. We both put on our pajamas and got in bed. As we laid there I wanted so badly to touch her, to kiss her gently, but I was afraid that she would not welcome such advances so I just laid there. She rolled toward me and touched my hand. I tingled just from that light touch and held my breath as I wondered if things would progress further. I couldn't stand the tension and started to say something, but she put a finger to my lips. Then she put her arm around me, pulled me closer and kissed me passionately. That was just the start of much more to come (so to speak). She and I kissed each other hungrily as our hands began to roam underneath the soft flannel of our pajamas. I felt my nipples harden under her touch and continued kissing her as though to let go might cause the magic of the moment to escape. We undressed each other and proceeded to explore each others bodies with lips and tongues. She suckled at my breasts until I was as close to orgasm as I could get without actually cumming. She then proceeded further south and licked my most private places, driving me to distraction.

Alas, as with all my sex dreams, I woke up incredibly frustrated because I never quite can make it over the edge just from a dream, but I can sure make it to the point of incredible frustration. Unfortunately, when I awoke I had overslept and had no time to take care of myself. Ah well, maybe I'll head to bed early tonight, and see what I can find in the toy drawer to play with. Sigh. . . .

Monday, Monday

Yep, it's just another Monday. Well, not just any Monday. It's NCAA Basketball Championship Monday. Kansas is playing against Memphis. My bracket is totally blown as I had UNC taking on UCLA tonight. Sigh. . . . I will end up around 170th out of a bit more than 200 entrants in the office pool. It's my worst finish in the pool in years though I never win. Normally though I can make it up into the top 100. Well, there's always next year. I'm having to cheer for Memphis because I can't stand to cheer for the team coached by the traitorous Bill Self. I never cared for KU, but when Self left Illinois to become KU's head coach that clinched it. I hate KU so much now that I would even root for Duke over them, and I never root for Duke.

Sorry, didn't mean this to become a basketball post, but I'm sitting here watching the game (of course I'm watching the game, I even made N wait for me to put him to bed until halftime; it is college basketball after all; priorities must be maintained) so it's hard to think of anything else.

W is still here. I am not so happy about that. He has, however, taken off his wedding band. I'm not sure when he did that exactly but it was sometime in the last week. I noticed it yesterday morning, but then I don't really look at him that often so I'm not sure when it came off. I think that's a good sign that he's starting to accept that yes, it really and truly is over. Now if he would just take himself out of my house life would be good. As far as I can tell, W and N are getting along again, or at least they are getting along as well as ever.

One last basketball note. This is one time I miss being on the West Coast where the game started at dinner time and ended long before bedtime. As it is I'll struggle to stay awake long enough to watch the final One Shining Moment montage when it's all over.

My sincere apologies for this post to those who aren't basketball fans. However, I endured football season. Y'all can endure the occasional basketball post.

--------------------------------------

Late edit:
KU won. In OT. Figures.

Oh, and I'm replying to comments again. Go back and catch up on the last few days' posts if you like reading the comments and you'll see my additions.

Another Stolen Meme

This one comes from my friend Bunny. It's okay that I stole it though because she didn't tag anyone and offered for anybody to take it. You think she'll believe I stole it just as a favor to her? Yeah, me neither.

1. I can’t believe I’ve never…
gotten a speeding ticket given my penchant for speeding.

2. Every time I think about … I still cringe.
my behavior when J came back into my life

3. I wish I’d …when I had the chance.
pursued my PhD

4. I’ve never felt so out of place as when I…
attended the Lutheran church in LOH as someone not of German heritage, not related to anyone else in the congregation, and not a second or third generation member of the church. To say they didn't warmly welcome outsiders is akin to saying that UNC fans don't warmly welcome Duke supporters.

5. … is my guiltiest pleasure.
Time spent with my friends

6. I hope … know(s) how grateful I am for …
Drama, her friendship.

7. In my darkest hours, I secretly blame … for my dysfunction.
my parents (yeah, I know that's a totally cliché answer)

8. … changed my life forever.
Being laid off from my job in California

Saturday - Not Quite What I Expected

I was sitting enjoying a late morning cup of coffee when the phone rang. It was W, calling from his cellphone. He told me he was in the garage, and that his head was bleeding because N hit him with a board. "On purpose?" I asked. "Yes," he said, "Please help me."

I went out to the garage. W was there amidst the boxes of trash junk treasures out there. His forehead was bleeding profusely as all head wounds generally do. N showed up crying hysterically holding bandages and repeating "I didn't mean to" through his tears. W was furious and not willing to back down on his accusation that N hit him deliberately. N went crying into the house. I got W into the bathroom, cleaned off the blood so that I could see there is a bump on his forehead with a small cut. I put a bandage on it and gave him a hug. He didn't hug back at all, but he also didn't pull away.

Then I went and looked for N. He was upstairs in his room with the door locked. I knocked and asked if I could come in. He said yes so I unlocked the door and entered to find him curled up in a little alcove in his room. I asked to come out and talk to me, and he declined. I sat on one of the beds and told him I'd be there if he wanted to talk. He came out of the alcove and slowly walked towards the door, saying "Then I'll just go to another room." I repeated that I'd be there if he wanted to talk. In a little while he came back in and sat on the floor by the bed. We talked. I would not let him off the hook with his original line of not remembering anything that happened. Eventually, I got the story from him. I won't share the entire story here, but he did sort of accept responsibility for his actions. I took him downstairs and tried to get him to apologize to W. Eventually I gave up because N was trying to give half-assed apologies and W was refusing to accept them. My counselor constantly tells me that I've got to stay out of the middle of their difficulties so I told them they'd have to work it out, and I walked away.

At this point I have no idea where either of them are. It's W's weekend to have N so I really am trying to stay out of it.

Where is Supernanny when you need her?

What It Took/Takes/Will Take

It took a lot for me to admit that my marriage had to end. I’m not sure it ever would have ended if not for the “BJ insanity” that hit a while back. It was only then that I realized just how important it was to end my marriage, to make myself free and available for legitimate love and life. I mentioned that in this post. It has taken a while though for that lesson to really sink into my pea brain, but it jumps first and foremost in my thoughts whenever I’ve considered backing down from splitting with W. If there were no BJ, if the prospect was that I would be all alone for a while, maybe a good long while, I would still choose that over staying with W. I have enjoyed too much that taste of freedom.

I still consider myself to be something of a failure due to the failed marriage. As usual, I take on the weight of the world and count myself as the one that should have done more, been different, acted better, or whatever. It always comes back to me and what I didn’t do right when I analyze the situation. Somehow I believe that if I did the right thing, made the right choices, said the right words that I could have made it all better.

Arrogance! That’s what that attitude is. I don’t have that kind of power. I can change no one but myself. I can’t “make” anyone do anything. They have their choices to make, and they make them. What I’m trying to say is that I’m trying not to see myself as a failure just because the marriage was a failure. I’m also saying that I’m not yet convinced of that, but I’m working on it. I’m not yet convinced that it is not a weakness and a moral failing that I was unable to maintain celibacy for the sake of my marriage. I’m not yet convinced that had I been a better mother, perhaps W would have been a better father. I’m not yet convinced that I didn’t somehow hold the key to making myself live happily in that marriage and that I refused to look for that key hard enough and long enough. I must work on that attitude, that arrogance that tells me that I can do it all, make whatever impact I desire wherever I go.

And then, what of the future? What will it take for me to really trust BJ again? What will it take to make me open my heart fully and stop keeping a thin but ever present wall there between us? What will it take for me to stop reading negativity between the lines of every conversation he and I have? What will it take to convince me to stop looking over my shoulder to see what temptation may lure him away next? What will it take to get me to relax with him and trust him and believe him when he says that he will earn my trust back?

No Comment

More accurately, no replies to your comments. Thank you for those that continue to leave comments even though I'm not replying to them right now. I appreciate every single one of your comments. Somehow I can't bring myself to write replies right now. I can barely even write a post, if you can call what I've been posting lately real posts. If it weren't for my lunacy obsession commitment to Blog 365 I probably wouldn't have posted more than once or twice this week.

So there's not so much to read here, but here's a little song to fill some time and space:

Extremely Tired

I am extremely tired tonight. I am drained.


see more crazy cat pics

Goodnight. . .

Well?

Warning: Extreme language ahead. Read at your own risk.

Hmm, he's still here. That's right. He is still in the house. Why? I don't know. We don't speak. I haven't asked. He hasn't offered. Dysfunctional? Oh hell yeah. Totally dysfunctional. Apparently, he told the counselor that he'll be out by the end of the week. The counselor shared that much with me as I ranted and raved about not having a clue what the fuck is going on. She also helped me develop a strategy for addressing the situation.

Stupid fucking asshole. Get out of my house! Go away! Shoo! Shoo!

Goddamned motherfucking son of a bitch.

Grrrr...........

Not in the Mood

Usually I love April Fools' Day. I love a good prank as long as nobody gets hurt. Some years I've come up with some dandy pranks for April 1. Not only do I normally enjoy dishing 'em out but taking 'em too. I get a good chuckle out of a well played prank at my expense.

HOWEVER

This year I am not in the right frame of mind for April Fools' Day. I have already warned those around me. I am emotionally fragile right now and just can't deal with having to be on the alert for pranks or laughing genially as someone makes me look foolish. I can't deal with it right now. I am going to be one of those grumpy people everyone hates today. You know the ones, the ones to whom people say "Can't you take a joke?" My answer for now: "No. No I cannot take a joke right now. Things just don't seem that funny to me right now."