W and I talked, again, last night about the problems in our marriage. I even told him that I increasingly feel as though I am in this marriage only out of obligation - obligation to our son to provide an intact home, obligation to W to take care of him, obligation to the vows I made almost 18 years ago - not because I feel loved or loving. It's probably the most honest thing I've said to W in a long, long time.
W wants to work on the marriage, wants to go to counseling (after he refused for so very long). I should be happy about this turn of events, but somehow I'm not. It is as though I checked out of this relationship a while back, and now I'm not sure that I want to check back in. However, I know that counseling may help me be ready to check back in just as much as it may be able to help W to be emotionally available to me. So we will give it a try, and I will try to approach it with an open mind.
Meeting J today has taken on much less significance to me in the last day or so. I realize what a game I've played in my head, what fantasies I've allowed to run wild. I'm sure the reality is going to be much less exciting than the fantasies. I have spent much too much time dwelling on J and feel that now I just need to meet with him today to get him out of my system and return myself fully to my real life. In some ways it pains me to say this because I have enjoyed my fantasies of a life with J for so long that I will miss them. Yet I know I've got to stick to reality. W is real, and wants to keep what we have. J is just a memory, a fantasy, someone from the past that I should have just kept in the past.
It is sad to give up the fantasy.
It is sad to go back to the boring day-to-day reality.
It is sad to look back on long ago choices, regret them deeply and have no way to make it right again.
There is nothing but sadness in me right now.
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