Wednesday, April 26, 2006

What Have I Done?!?

Tonight J sent this:

I am almost at a loss for words. I really am not sure what will happen. I am not sure what to say. How would I break your heart? I am not sure reminding you that I have a possible detachment in a relationship helps your mind or clouds it even more. You said you really wanted to see me. What were you hoping would happen? That intrigues me. I am flexible.
What do you expect to happen? I am not setting you up. I obviously know that we need to and want to get together. Who knows? I don't know. We will talk more later. I am sure we both have more to say on this. This gets more interesting all the time. Do you want to meet at the mall, restaurant, or hotel? Just kidding... Let me know!


Twenty minutes later J sent this email

It's me again. You figure after 21 years, one WOULD be incredibly nervous beyond imagination. I am not out for revenge if that is what you mean. I would have liked for you to have had more patience back then and gave me more of a chance. I don't know what will happen. You said you hoped I was hoping the same way you were about meeting. You might want to explain yourself. Just pick a spot, a time, and I will nervously as I am sure you will show up. I am sure this makes it even more a tense time since we were a little more than friends then. We as we have mentioned still have feelings for each other that we have put aside due to life. Saturday would end at least 2 decades of not seeing each other. Other than that I have absolutely not much of an agenda, especially not revenge. Do you have an agenda? I hope I have helped in a small way, and not made it worse. Hope to hear from you soon.


So I replied back shortly thereafter


You have made it much, much better. Sometimes my very overactive imagination runs away with me. I will admit to being fearful that you would like to have some sort of revenge on me. I don't know what, but it doesn't matter now. I'm just glad that that isn't in the plan. What I guess I meant by breaking my heart is that it would break my heart to find out that you wanted nothing more to do with me than get revenge on me. I am looking forward to a friendship with you as I seem to be a little short on friends these days so to lose out on a friendship with you would be a heartbreaking loss to me.

What am I hoping for on Saturday? A very nice long chat. I will admit that my marriage is rocky at best right now, but it certainly wouldn't be helped by me doing something stupid not that I haven't thought about it. Besides, I'm not at all sure you would feel that way about me anyway.

I don't care where we meet, and I just don't know the area over there that well. I thought maybe you would have a better idea than I could come up with. Remember, way back when I was here before the only thing there was insert name of mall here!

If you want to discuss when and where over the phone, you could call me on my cell tomorrow evening between 6:00 and 7:00 p.m. I'll have a little time to talk then.


Maybe I should have left it at that. But no, I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I toddled off to the computer.

This morning, at 2:30 a.m. I sent this email


I wasn't 100% honest in my last reply to you, and I want to set the record straight.

Okay, the first part was true. I really was afraid you were just out for revenge and am relieved to know that is not the case.

However, I had read more between the lines than I should have, and thought that possibly, just possibly, you were interested in more than just getting together for a nice little chat somewhere. Perhaps because my marriage is in bad trouble, because my husband and I have not been intimate for over a year, because he didn't even remember to get me a birthday card or present, I was more prone to reading more into the things you were saying than what was actually there. So, yes, I was wondering, maybe even hoping, for an affair. Yet it would be wrong. I know that. I have never been unfaithful to my husband, ever. So I had kind of talked myself down from that line of thinking, but not entirely. I kind of threw the ball your way with my questions to try to find out where your expectations were. I am glad that you replied back the way you did because it takes some pressure off of me. I was afraid of myself. Afraid that I would not say no to things that I should say no to.

I write all this just to try to clarify for you what is going on with me and my whacky email questioning your motives behind our getting together. I have, in my mind, made such a big mountain out of a molehill. Of course, if you remember me at all, you know that's what I do best.

I am very much looking forward to seeing you on Saturday. It will be nice to talk face to face rather than through emails which, obviously, can leave some of us (as in me) rather dazed and confused.


So there we are. I don't know if I've totally blown it by showing my hand. Only time will tell.
Shit, I feel like I'm living in my very own soap opera - overly dramatic and taking way too long to get the story wrapped up.
However, maybe it is the drama queen inside me, but part of me is enjoying the turmoil. In some ways, no matter what happens on Saturday, it is going to be a letdown because the anticipation, the dread, the hope, the fear, all of it will be finished. And I now have the feeling that once we meet on Saturday, the relationship will probably be finished too. How can we possibly feel the same as we did 20 years ago? How can we pick up where we left off? How can we move forward together when neither of us is truly free? The answer to all of these is that we can't. When we see one another, we won't feel the same as we did 20 years ago. We have both changed, and maybe not all for the better. We can't pick up where we left off because of all the changes that have happened, and we certainly have no way to move forward with any type of meaningful relationship with one another as long as we have others to consider. Shit, I have just spent two weeks of my life fantasizing about something that can never be. I've put myself into an absolute emotional tailspin over nothing. I have got to return to the reality of my life and quit playing games.

God, I'm fucked up.

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