Transcript of emails so far

All names changed to protect me and the others impacted by this.

Original email from J
Hi Trueself,

How have you been? I haven't heard from you in quite a long time. What have you been up to? There has been a question I have been wanting to ask you for a long time, and if I ever get a chance I will ask you. Anyway, are you going to try to come to Balloonfest this year? I lost that email that had your cell phone# on it. Do you want to give it to me again? My cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Write back when you can...

J

My Reply
J,

Hi. It's been a tough year and a busy one. I haven't been so good at keeping up with people.

My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer last summer. He had surgery and radiation treatment and now is thankfully doing pretty well on that front. However, he fell last fall and broke both his shoulder and kneecap and continues to deal with pain from that.

So you have a question for me, eh? My gift list for my birthday perhaps? It's coming up on the xx of this month, but really you don't need to get me anything. Seriously though, ask me anything. I'm an open book.

When is the balloonfest? Can you believe I've never ever been to it? I'm sure my son would love it. Maybe we will try to get over there this year.

My cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Trueself

J's reply last week
Trueself,

You sound as if you have had quite a bit on your plate. I wouldn't want to go through all of that, nor would I want a spouse to go through it. Anyway...Balloonfest is usually the third weekend of August. If that holds true then I believe it will be the 18th - 20 th of August. Our church has a booth out there every year. I bet you wouldn't of guessed that I remember when your birthday is. You will be *** years old. Ha Ha...I will behave and not say it. I would send you a card if I knew where to send it.

Do you really want to know what has been on my mind for a long time? Please don't get upset but you said you were an open book... Granted I haven't had this on my mind 24/7 for 21 years, but on occasion I would think about it. Here goes...I know that in school I was a classic introvert, which didn't help in relationships. I really liked you and wasn't able to show it as much as I would have liked. I guarantee if that wasn't the case then that time you stayed at my house, you wouldn't have slept on the couch. You did fall asleep there. But anyway...I thought about what would have happened if things coiuld have worked out between us. My question is what happened exactly? You and I went to that baseball game that day and then you disappeared. Three years later, you wrote me and said you ran off because of your parents, and also got married. I hope you realize that it might explain leaving your parents, but not me. I am much extroverted now, so I can be bold and ask you about it. Will you tell me what really happened between us?

I know it doesn't much matter now all these years later. I was just hoping for some type of answers. Anyway, it won't affect our friendship now. I honestly have missed you and still do. I wouldn't mind seeing you sometime, just the two of us. For the longest time, I had understood that you had talked to my dad last, that night, but now he's passed on so I just had to wait for another opportunity to hear anything from or about you. I know this seems kind of wierd to bring this all up now, but I had to for my own piece of mind. No....it hasn't consumed my life, but I was just wondering.

I bet you keep busy. I do too! I have been working in the Dept. of corrections for almost 15 years. I also have been singing, and was certified as a lay preacher 3 years ago. [OMG! I completely missed reading this part the first time I read his email. Surely I will burn in hell for wanting an affair with a preacher. OMG, I am such a skank.] I also am Unit Commissioner and a trainer for the Boy Scouts.

Well, I better quit for now. I might of made this too long. It might take you forever to read it....ha ha! Anyway, write back soon, and have a great birthday!!!

J


Then last Wednesday I sent the following
J,

I suspected that your question might have been about that which is why I said that I'm an open book. I truly don't mind talking to you about it now. I hope that nothing I say hurts your feelings because that is the last thing in the world I would want to do. You have always meant a lot to me.

The short story is that I was young and stupid.

The long story is that I got tired of waiting for you. I wanted so badly to get married and have kids that I felt almost desperate to do so. I also suffered from low self-esteem (still do, but maybe not as bad) and was afraid if I couldn't find someone willing to marry me I was doomed to being an old maid. I know now that I probably should have waited for you to be ready. Anyway, along came W. He was older and married, but separated, and he pursued me. When he was transferred to State X, I went with him. I saw it as a chance to get away from my parents and, at that time, felt it might be my only chance at marriage and kids. So W and I married. It turned out that in spite of my desire for kids, my body betrayed me. I couldn't have kids. Not that we didn't try, but even going through infertility treatments didn't help. So eventually we adopted.

You'll never know the number of times I've wondered what would have happened if I hadn't left for State X, hadn't married W, had waited for you to grow up and be ready for a family. I love W, and I love my son. It doesn't keep me from wondering, though, what might have been. I imagine you would have tired of me as I've grown old and fat and set in my ways. I'm not sure we could have made it in the long run, but I don't know.

If I haven't already pissed you off somehow in this message, I'm sure this next part will scare you off for sure. I truly loved you when we were together and continue to love you or at least the you that I've got tucked away in my head and heart. I am torn between very much wanting to see you, and being terrified of seeing you for fear you would break my heart because I would finally be confronted with the fact that you are over me. Okay, my hands are getting sweaty just typing this. Dare I actually send this email to you? Oh, what the hell. The worst that can happen is that you will now hate me which is what I assumed had happened for years anyway.

I realize you and I have both moved on, married others, and that there is no chance that we could ever be together again. I truly hope that you don't hate me, and that we can be friends now and in the future. I hope I haven't blown that by revealing too much of myself here.

Trueself

Then on Friday J emailed this
Trueself,

Okay...I guess it is time for a big fat dose of reality. Yes....I was terribly upset with you. Yes...I moved on then but even as I live my life from day to day, I still think about you and always will. Believe it or not, I had a feeling you were tired of waiting for me. I was brought up kind of strict as you were well aware of. I was raised to go to school first, get a good job and then think about girls. I wasn't as bad as A but that is the way that goes.

Here is the real kicker! You and I can both say that there is 100% certainty that we would never get together again for marriage purposes. That may be so. But God is the only one who can say for sure. I have been told I am set in my ways too. You never know though. The year you wrote me, I ended up dating a girl for 2 months. Then I met another, got married, had 3 kids. Dad passed away the following year. 11 years later, she ran off and now married again. I got married again to T, believe it or not. Now we are seperated, and that doesn't look good. I am not telling you to leave your husband, but I will tell you that if you and I would end up together 10 years from now, it would be God's will. I do wish you hadn't of gotten in so much of a hurry. I still love you and always will. I do think about you quite a bit. Even if I got married again tomorrow to someone then thinking about others would not stop. It doesn't work that way.

Yes, I did not like it, nor was I understanding of it or its reasons. Let me just say this. You are still, and always will be in my thoughts and prayers. Here is a big hug and kiss from me to you and have a happy birthday! Hope to hear from you soon!!!

Love,
J

So that's where we are now. I'm thinking it's not God's will, or J's, that we have an affair. (DUH! Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.) On the other hand, even though he is saying he isn't saying it, is he saying that I ought to leave my husband? Certainly, he has left a door open there, hasn't he? Yet, I don't want to leave my husband. I want to stay married and care for him and our son. Good grief, isn't there a way to have it all? No, of course not. Life is all about choices. Whenever you choose one thing, you are choosing not to have something else (or a lot of something elses). When you choose the roast beef, you're turning down the pork chops, the chicken, the pasta. When I chose my husband, I turned down J and whoever else might be out there dumb enough to care for me. I hate this. I want them both, J and W, but I clearly can't have them both. Boy, am I miserable, and a miserable excuse for a human being.

What to do? What to do?