Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Flip Flop

I flip flop from day to day, almost hour to hour, in how I feel about this whole situation, and in what I hope for.

Goodness. How did I ever get myself into this predicament?

By making a series of stupid decisions 21 years ago:
  1. Getting involved with W, a married man 27 years older than me.
  2. Allowing myself to get too anxious about J not being ready to get married.
  3. Marrying W after his divorce became final even though I knew I still loved J.
  4. Not changing my mind and returning to J when he wrote to me shortly after I got married, but staying in the marriage because I didn't want to have a failed marriage (maybe better then than now though).

Yep, you make your bed, you lie in it. I've made one hell of an uncomfortable bed for myself.

So what is best for all involved now?

(A) Stay with W, and tell J we must stay away from one another.

(B) Stay with W, and carry on a relationship with J behind W's back.

(C) Leave W, and work on a real relationship with J.

Clearly (A) is the logical and moral choice as it continues an intact home for my son and allows J to work through his problems with T to either a reconciliation or divorce, (C) is the one I most want to do (for the moment, but ask again later it may be different) and (B) is the one I'm afraid I will wimp out and do in order to try to have it all. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure (B) will be the most hurtful of all the choices.

Of course, all of this assumes that I have a say in what happens. If J just isn't interested then that pretty much makes the choice for me. But then again, if J isn't interested why is he emailing me the way he is?


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