Q&A with Trueself

Q:
Would you react the same way if any other boyfriend from the past came back into you life? In other words, are you just grasping at anyone?
A:
No. I can honestly say if B, K, or C (the other “serious” boyfriends I had in my youth) showed renewed interest in me now I would completely blow them off. As a matter of fact, I do still hear from B, and I have not once thought about him in the way I think of J.

Q:
What makes J different?
A:
I love him, always have, and I guess I always will. I truly believe it was stupid of me to let him go way back when, and I didn’t let him go because I was mad at him or fell out of love with him or anything like that. I let him go because I wanted marriage and kids so bad and was too impatient to wait for him to catch up with me.

Q:
Do you deserve a second chance with J after you treated him the way you did?
A:
Absolutely not. There is no reason in the world that he should want to have anything to do with me at this point. I am extremely fortunate that he is willing to have any kind of relationship with me, even a platonic one.

Q:
Can you be satisfied with just a platonic relationship with J?
A:
I suppose I’ll have to be, particularly if the choice is platonic or no relationship at all, and that seems to be the choice right now.

Q:
Have you considered the feelings of your husband and son if you were to act on your desires with J?
A:
You bet. That’s why I will not actively pursue an intimate relationship with J. However, if J were to pursue me, I’m almost certain I would not say no.

Q:
So do you still love your husband?
A:
Yes, although I'm not sure I like him all that much these days. We've had our problems in the last few years. I want to stick to the "for better and for worse" and "in sickness and in health" parts of the vows. It ain't easy though, not easy at all sometimes.

Q:
And how do you feel about having a hard time saying no to J?
A:
Scared, anxious, excited. Scared that I could mess up my life by having an affair. Anxious that it couldn’t possibly live up to my fantasy of it. Excited that the possibility of an affair even exists.

Q:
What do you really want to have happen?
A:
I don't know. Part of me really, really wants a relationship with J. I don't mean just an affair either. I want a real relationship with him as in dating, intimacy, and probably eventually marriage. The other part of me wants to stay in my current marriage, make it work, not run away from it.

Q:
Why do you word it that way: "not run away from it"?
A:
Because that is my instinct when things get tough, to run away, to flee from whatever is difficult, and to run to something better, or at least different. I'm not saying it's a good strategy, just the one that typically pops up first in my thinking.

Q:
Were you and J intimate when you dated as teens and young adults?
A:
The farthest we ever went was kissing and above the waist petting. Pretty tame stuff, but memories of it can still get me pretty worked up.

Q:
How long did you and J date back then?
A:
I think it was from the time I was a junior in high school, maybe not until senior, until about a year after I graduated college. We weren't exclusive though. At least I wasn't. I dated C and K during college, but always had J as my backup boyfriend back home. K and I were even engaged for a while, but I never broke up with J because of it.