We Finally Talked

J called this evening. We talked but didn't really say anything, basically repeating a lot of what is in our emails. We talked for more than 30 minutes. J doesn't sound at all like he did 20 years ago. He said the same about me. We joked about not recognizing each other when we meet on Saturday, that we'll be standing right next to each other and not realize it. At least we finally settled on a time and a place - a restaurant in the mall at 12:30. He asked me how I was going to dress. I told him I'd be dressed like a slob because I can't leave the house looking any different than I would look on any other Saturday. Actually, I'm thinking that I will take something to change into along the way, but I didn't tell J that.

The entire conversation was filled with innuendo. I tried to get J to quit dancing around things and come to the point, but he wouldn't. He's still the same J he was 20 years ago, at least in that respect. At one point I said to J, "You know we're coming awfully close to playing with fire, don't you?" "Probably," he said. When the conversation was coming to an end and we were saying our goodbyes J said, "I still love you." "I still love you, too" I replied.

Well, talking on the phone clarified one thing for me. I've got it bad for J. I really, really do. Right now I can't stand the thought that we might lose each other again, that due to circumstances we may not be able to have the relationship we would like to have, that I feel an overwhelming duty to stay with my husband in spite of our many problems.

Oh God. Why can't life be easy?