Monday, April 24, 2006

Hurtling Headlong into the Future

Yesterday afternoon's email:

Hi Trueself,

Hope to hear from you soon, about our rendezvous.... We can meet just about anywhere over there. I think it will be an interesting week, just thinking about it, don't you think?

Did you go to a game this weekend? It is always the time to go when these 2 teams are hooked up. Gotta run...Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

J

So this morning I just plunged headfirst off the cliff with this email:

J,

Maybe it would be better if you name the place. You are probably more familiar with zzzzz than I am. I don't get over that way very often.

Also, I'm just gonna 'fess up here that I am incredibly nervous about seeing you. I'm a little afraid that you are setting me up and only want to meet to break my heart the way I imagine I may have broken yours some years ago. If that is the case, please just go ahead and tell me. I will still meet with you, you deserve that, even if that is the case, but I would like to know what to be ready for. If, on the other hand, you are truly looking forward to seeing me the way that I am looking forward to seeing you, then yes, it will be an interesting week of anticipation.

Please, tell me what you hope happens this Saturday because right now I'm an emotional wreck trying to figure out if this is gonna be a good thing or a bad thing.

Love,

Trueself

Well, it's either gonna get a whole lot worse from here or, hopefully, a whole lot better. Worse, of course, would be to hear that he's just messing with my head and really wants to hurt me like I hurt him. If that happens, I will truly be devastated. What would I rather hear? That he's as uncertain of this situation as I am, that he just wants to get together and talk and see where it all leads from there. That he wants to take things slowly, but that he doesn't want to lose me again. To me, that would be the perfect message.

OMG, my head's going to explode waiting for an answer.

3 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

Hi there, I just happened to land on your blog and was interested... Wow! What a move you are about to make. Are you really sure you want to do that? It's pretty scary stuff when you think of it, isn't it? From a past experience, I've seen and "tested" an old boyfriend. At the time I was "newly" single and he was married. For us it was really a physical thing, I had him under my skin bad. We've always been flirty with each other, that was our thing, but one evening I pushed the borders a little further... I don't really regret it. Because of that I realised things about myself and about him. That's the "thing" we do. We push each others buttons and sometimes one of us answers... Before you do anything that you might regret take a step back and think of all you have. If you don't care and want to explore this, go for it. But if you DO care, take a moment and think about it - you can't unrung a bell. And yes it is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission, but sometimes you don't get forgiveness ... and that's not always easy to live with. Evaluate everything and don't get stuck on something you think you "remember/felt", make it real. If for you to be in peace means to go and "see" for yourself, then do it and maybe you'll get the answers you are seeking. Time will tell...

trueself said...

It's funny. I knew when I put this blog out there that someone might happen by and read it, but for the most part I assumed I would be out here all alone in my own little world of madness.

I also assumed that anyone who did happen by and dropped a comment would probably condemn me for what I am doing. I never in a million years expected such a thought out reasoned response.

Yes, I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I've got to meet J face-to-face and talk. I think that's the only way I can figure this all out. At first, I thought I wanted an immediate physical relationship. Now, I'm thinking that I really want to take things more slowly. J and I haven't seen each other for over 20 years. We've both changed. Maybe when we reacquaint ourselves with each other we won't even have the same feelings that used to be there. Then again, maybe we will. Anyway, I think we need to have a nice long talk if I am ever to put the doubts and the "what ifs" behind me.

Stinkypaw said...

I'm glad to see that you are taking the time to think about this and are not letting the "physical" get the better of you. As you know, often it's only a question of a few minutes/hours (if you're lucky!) ;-D and then you realised that it wasn't all that you thought it was going to be. Meeting him doesn't have to lead to an affair, you guys might become best friends... and like you wrote, in 20 years you both changed (and maybe not for the best). A few years back I called up a guy that I had a serious crush on in my 20s. We met up and I was SO excited to see him getting out of his truck... what was I thinking!? Time had not been kind to him, or my memory had failed me! At least now I knew and never really thought about him since, except at odd times and when I do, it brings a smile to my face!

I truly believe that it is better to have a regret than to have a doubt, so meet with him and like you said put those "what ifs" behind you.

BTW, I also put a comment on your posting of April 18th.