Friday, November 03, 2006

Ain't Nothin' Perfect Ya' Know

Today I’m wishing BJ knew nothing of this blog. Today I’m wishing that I could write some things on here that he would never see. Today I’m going to go ahead and write what I want to write, and take whatever consequences come from the fact that BJ is going to see this. I would ask him not to read this post, but that would certainly tempt him more to read it so I will just plunge ahead.

I love BJ. I want to make my relationship with BJ work. I want to be the person that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I am struggling with two issues and trying to work out in my own mind my own comfort with those issues.

The first is sleeping together. BJ and I have very different sleep styles. He wants to sleep on his side of the bed without any physical contact. He doesn’t sleep as well if he is being touched as he does if he is left alone. I on the other hand am accustomed to, and enjoy, sleeping intertwined with my bed partner. For my entire marriage, even during the rockiest parts, it has been rare for us to sleep without at least some part of our bodies touching each other. I find it difficult to sleep without that and rarely sleep well alone.
For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to wean myself away from needing that touch, partly because it will be gone once I’m living on my own after the separation and partly because I know I will not get it back once BJ and I are together. To BJ’s credit, he is trying really hard too to change his ways and to accept being close when sleeping with me, not that we’ve had that many chances but after four nights together we’ve slept my way once (he didn’t sleep well) and his way three times (I didn’t sleep well two of the three nights). I find that when I’m with BJ I dread bedtime because I am so uncomfortable about it. He really values his sleep (as do we all I think), and I am so terribly afraid of waking him accidentally in the middle of the night because it is my nature to roll over and throw my arm over him to snuggle close. I am so afraid that I will do this that I barely sleep, and I am trying to train myself not to by not doing it with W. However, I often wake up after having gone to sleep totally separate from W, completely snuggled up behind him with my arm thrown over him. That’s why I’m afraid to sleep too soundly with BJ because I’m afraid the same thing will happen without me even being aware of it. In some ways this seems like such a small issue but in others it is just huge to me. I think I need to be patient and see if I can’t get myself more comfortable with sleeping alone.

The second issue is the one that most people would probably see as the bigger issue. I’m not sure that I see it as bigger. I just see it as another issue I need to work through in my head. This one is about sex, specifically about casual sex with other people. I want to be okay with it. I want to be fine with the fact that BJ loves me and still wants to have casual sex with other people. Truth be told, I am fine with it under certain circumstances. I’m fine with having casual sex with other people as a couple, swinging in other words. I’m fine as long as I’m there and part of the fun. I guess where I get less comfortable is doing it separately. I want to be okay with it. I want to trust completely that he’s out having a good time without it depriving me of anything. Yet there is a part of me that is not completely comfortable with it. I don’t want BJ to feel that he shouldn’t go and do the things he wants to do. I just want to help myself, somehow, to feel better about it. It isn’t as though it’s a one-sided thing. He is okay with me having casual sex with other people without his presence. So it isn’t as though he expects the rules to be different for him and for me. And truth be told, I have someone who wants to have sex with me on an occasional basis, but I had turned him down just assuming that BJ wouldn’t want me doing things like that. It never occurred to me to even ask until he asked me for permission for himself. And now, even with permission, I’m not sure I really want to have sex with this other person or whether I want to have sex with this other person as a way of making sure BJ isn’t getting anything more than I’m getting. Eeww, that sounds so petty. That’s what I hate about my feelings about this issue. I feel that I am being petty rather than loving and open. I want to be loving and open. BJ isn’t sneaking around, isn’t trying to do anything that would hurt me. I’m pretty sure if I asked him not to, he wouldn’t have sex with anyone but me. I don’t want to do that, though. I don’t want to ask that of him. I want him to have the freedom to do what he wants to do, and I want him to be able to be honest with me about those things. I just want to get myself more comfortable with it, and be okay with accepting that I may not WANT to have sex with others without BJ even if he does want to and does do so.

Almost tempted to shut off comments for this post just because I cringe at the thought of what the comments will be. Oh well. Have at it.


Stinkypaw said...

On the sleep issue: never thought that how one sleeps could be an issue... interesting. I'd say let it be. My ex was a snuggler and hubby isn't. I guess I adjusted because I never thought of it as an issue...

On the sex thing: sorry you're on your own for this one. The thought of knowing that my loved one is having sex (unless it's swinging - which I don't fully get either, but that's another thing)... I guess it's all about how open you are, etc. I'm freshly "sewn up"... sorry! ;-)

Rae'sSecret said...

wow, you love each other and he doesn't want to be mongomous.
This OBVIOUSLY bothers you.

freebird said...

The first issue, I’m sure could balance out in time. (Although I did raise my eyebrows somewhat to hear that you snuggle in bed with your soon-to-be-divorced husband!)
The second issue: too right I see it as the bigger issue. Nothing petty about anything you said at all.
You say you want to be okay about him doing it, but you’re obviously not okay about him WANTING to do it, and why on earth should you be?! Call me old-fashioned, but talking about going off and having sex without you just doesn’t sound like the kind of thinking one would expect from someone newly in love with the woman of his dreams.
You’re saying that you want to help yourself to feel better about it, but that sounds like it’s you who will be doing all the giving-way. And if you do that I’m thinking maybe you should be thinking about a new ‘nom-de-plume’.

Emily said...

Both of those are very tricky. Personally, I love to cuddle but I just can't sleep cuddled up.

But I must say that I am quite taken aback at the news that BJ wants to sleep with other people. I know this sometimes happens over time, but you guys are very early in the relationship when people are in the rampant-infatuation-can't-get-enough-of-you-there-will-never-be-anyone-else phase.

I am not necessarily a big fan of monogamy, but for this to come up now, I just can't help feeling it suggests something is missing.

I really hope, Trueself, that you are still planning to get your own place when you move out? Not only would this give you more of a chance to explore things with BJ in a less pressured way, but if it all comes unstuck, it will not be so hard on N. And I think it will be a great opportunity for you to find out what you are made of.

trueself said...

Thanks for all your comments. I won't really address them here as I think my post after this one does that.