Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I have no title today

Well, the post I was working on for today will have to wait. Last night, over coffee and pie, W and I had "the talk."

Let's back up. We went to see the counselor last night. We both really liked this counselor. She is very action oriented and jumped right in with trying to help us with some of our parenting issues. After the appointment we both agreed that we liked this counselor more than the first one and would like to continue with this one. Since we had a babysitter for the evening we decided to go to Denny's for pie and coffee and to further discuss our situation.

I think it was good that we talked in a public place, a place where we made ourselves speak calmly and conduct ourselves in a civil manner. We discussed how we have two issues that are really tearing us apart -- our differing views on parenting and our lack of intimacy. It was probably the most difficult 90 minutes I've spent.

I was tempted more than once to say "Never mind. It's okay. I'll continue this relationship and make the best of it." I never said it. What I did say was that we had several really good years, and that I don't regret the years we've spent together at all. I told him that I will always love him and care about him and that I wish there was a way that I could continue to be there for him while having the freedom to have my own life separate from him. I told him that my hope was that with his half of the equity in our home he could buy a condo nearby or choose to rent something nearby. My hope would be that we could continue to attend counseling for the parenting issues and that W could continue to play an important role in N's life.

W started with an attitude that I expected, one of "I'm going to move to Mexico, and you'll never see me again." By the end of the conversation I got him to agree to think it over for a week or two before making a decision about where to go and how much involvement to have with N and with me. I believe that his threat to completely disappear was made to get me to change my mind about splitting up that I would decide (as I have in the past) to stay together to keep him in N's life. However, this time I didn't do that. As hard as it was I didn't back down, but held my ground and just asked him to think it through before making that decision and to think long and hard about what would be best for N.

As we went to bed last night W said that today he will move to the guest room. I thanked him for that and reiterated that he can stay until he figures out where he's going and that I don't want to just abandon him completely.

He is very sad. I can tell that he really just wanted things to stay as they are. As bad as things are with us together he really doesn't want to lose me. I wish there were some way to just make it all okay for all of us. I can't. Not only is W sad, but so am I. Just because I want out doesn't mean that it is easy for me or that I am ecstatically happy to dissolve this marriage. I hurt too. We all hurt, and it's going to get harder before it gets better. I have to feel this hurt, not try to deny it, not try to pretend it doesn't exist. You can't live more than 20 years with someone and give it all up without some level of difficulty, even if you feel deep down that it is best to give it all up.

Please pray with me that we can focus on making things as good as we can for N. Please pray with me that we can find a way to work through this with as little discord as possible.

8 comments:

Jaws said...

I hope everything works outs for everyone.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like it was a tough but needed talk. Prayers and wishes going your way hon.

MrManicDepressive said...

I'm keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully, for N's sake, you and W can work things out.

Emily said...

I hardly ever pray, nowadays. But for you, I will make an exception :-)

Stinkypaw said...

You will be ok, you have to believe that. Good vibes sent your way {{hugs}}

Anonymous said...

Nothing like this could ever be easy...it will tear at everyone. But the important thing is to hang onto your resolve and keep looking ahead.

I wish you all the best Trueself.

trueself said...

Thank you one and all for all your well wishes. The good news for today is that W told me that he would like to continue with the counselor and asked if I was willing to do that also. I said yes, of course, we must make this work as well as possible for N. Also, he has moved his things to the guest room. I am relieved. It seems we are headed down a reasonable path at this time.

freebird said...

This sounds very positive, TS. I hope things stay calm for you all.