Tuesday, November 07, 2006

My Head is Spinning

W knows about the separation now. It didn't happen the way I wanted. But then again, how much of my life goes the way I want? The fact remains that he knows. He found out yesterday during the day and confronted me with it last night. We waited for N to go to bed to discuss it. He's hurt but not really surprised. He wrongly thinks that I've been seeing J and want to be with him. Although I told him that he is wrong about J I did not reveal to him any of what has really been going on. He refused to believe me when I said that N is my biggest concern. I did explain to him that if it weren't for his treatment of N it would be much more difficult to leave him because I do think N deserves both parents if that is possible. Throughout the conversation there was no yelling, no tears. We both sat and talked and asked questions, but nobody got nasty. I think he will come to accept this over time, that we will find a way to focus on making things as good for N as we can. We talked about one of us moving to the guest bedroom until he finds a place of his own. I told him he could choose which bedroom he wants. He never answered, and when we went to bed we both slept in the master bedroom as always. Felt a bit odd, but then I didn't want to do anything that would trigger the anger and yelling that I know can come from W when pushed that one step too far. I slept on my side, he on his, not touching. I slept surprisingly well, but did awaken around 4:00 and thought I heard movement in the house. I rolled over and saw that W was not in bed. Maybe he was just restless, I don't know, but he soon returned to bed, and I acted like I was asleep and soon was.

Well, there's one of my thoughts I can't turn back on now. Staying with W is no longer an option, and it wasn't really an option I wanted anyway. Fear be damned I have to keep moving forward. Forward into the world of being single, being strong enough to take care of myself, handling my own affairs (hmm, interesting choice of words). Scary.

BJ and I have kind of come to a bit of an agreement. I don't know how it is all going to work out, but he and I agree on one thing and that's that we don't want to lose each other. So we're working on a way to make us both comfortable with a less exclusive relationship. We'll see how this all works out. I don't know.

J and I are probably getting together next week one day. S and I may be getting together sometime this week.

Am I spinning out of control?


freebird said...

Hello... Who's there? Has Trueself been captured by aliens? The other day she said this: "...knowing that I am going to be alone, and perhaps alone for the remainder of my life. And with my recent discovery that I am not good at the whole casual sex thing that could doom me to a life of celibacy."


trueself said...

Why, yes, FB, yes I believe aliens have indeed captured me and are controling my mind right now. Yes, that's what I'll blame it on. Then I won't have to take any of the blame myself for all the idiotic things I'm doing.

I continue to wrestle with the whole casual sex thing. I have a hard time with casual sex, and yet part of me wants to go out and just have a good time. Maybe I'm a bit like H was with me. I need to get out there and try it and see how I feel afterwards. If S is as good in bed as I think he'll be then maybe I can get comfortable with it. And if not, I've still got J who is not great in bed by any means but is someone I have enough feelings for to have sex without it feeling completely like casual sex.

What it all comes down to is this. I'm trying hard to make myself into the right woman for BJ.

I'm still convinced I can't just be myself and have a man love me. If I waited for some man to love me on my terms then I would be celibate for the rest of my life, and alone. My standards are too high, and I've got to find a way to change.

Yes, the aliens are definitely in control of my thoughts right now. Any sane woman would not be doing these things.

Stinkypaw said...

You need to work on what YOU want, and not what mold to fit in to please some guy! You're no longer a teen who needs to please, but a middle-age woman who needs to stand up for herself!

You need to convince yourself that you are lovable and that one person deserves you just as much as you will him.

Don't lower your standards in regards to waht YOU want, but raise them for the type of men you're looking for!

trueself said...

Honestly, I don't believe any man could meet my standards. I've been told that throughout my lifetime, by my dad, by many boyfriends. My standards are too danged high. I will never have the fairy tale. I will never have the man who says "You are the only one for me. I don't want to be with anyone else but you." So I can keep my way-too-high standards, or I can figure out how to live in the real world. I'm trying to opt for the real world. And I'm trying to figure out how not to be disappointed by the real world. The fairy tale was so appealing.

Rae'sSecret said...

When I read your blog, I throw up a little in my mouth, I don't why I keep coming here, except to see how bad your fucking your life up.
If you thought you've already hit rock bottom, I think your dead wrong and it's coming fast.
Im taking you off my blogroll cause your driving me nuts.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

Just make sure you are doing what you think is best for you and N. There is light at the end of the tunnel and when you reach it wait for me because I may be joining you soon.

trueself said...

Yes, that's probably for the best. I hate to think I'm affecting your digestive health.

Yes, once I finally reach the end of the tunnel I'll wait for you and help you through it if I can. It's an ugly tunnel, but I think I may be seeing a speck of light a very long ways away. Wait a minute. . . Is that a headlight in the distance?

Emily said...

I find this quite sad, Trueself.

I think women do sometimes hold out for things that are unrealistic or standards that are too high. One of my friends says "All I want is a man who is handsome, intelligent, charming, faithful, an excellent husband and father - is that too much to ask of a millionaire?" :-)

But a man who loves you enough to say that you are the only one for him is not too much to ask.

You are a lovable person, and I feel sad that you can't believe that.

And unfortunately, that kind of thing becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Women who can't stay single for long enough to meet someone who really wants them and is able to give them what they want in return always seem to end up with losers.