Saturday, November 04, 2006

Oops, I Did It Again

I fell for the wrong guy. Not a bad guy. Just the wrong guy for me. I don't want anyone to think that this is BJ's fault. He is not a bad person. He is a wonderful person. We just have some differences that are too big to get past. I will always love him. I felt a connection with him that I have never felt with anyone else. I tried through several conversations with him yesterday and today to see if we could come into common ground, but I just couldn't get to a point of comfort. At first it made me angry that he thinks differently than I do on certain issues. Then I came to the realization that that's what dating is all about, getting to know each other, finding out if you are compatible. If you aren't compatible on some little things it may not be a big deal, but if you aren't compatible on a big thing then that's when you've got to be strong enough to admit that it just isn't going to work. It isn't that one person is wrong and one is right. It's just that they are different.

Now comes the scariest part. Going ahead and leaving W knowing that I am going to be alone, and perhaps alone for the remainder of my life. And with my recent discovery that I am not good at the whole casual sex thing that could doom me to a life of celibacy. Oh well. I must focus on N and what's best for him. While it might be okay for me to stay with W and tolerate things until he dies, it is not okay to subject N to the hell that this family is in. Nope, I have to move on and focus my efforts on raising the best son that I can.

Excuse me if I go cry now for a bit.

6 comments:

freebird said...

Oh Trueself, I feel for you. On reading this I have a whole mixture of feelings. First I feel your disappointment, and I really could cry with you. But I admire your strength for recognising and accepting that there were impossible differences, and I'm glad that you didn't have to bend while he was unwilling to do so for you. OK, I know you said that if you ASKED him to be faithful to you he would, but it doesn't sound as if his attitude would change. I hope, by the way, that you didn't feel the comments to your last post were too harsh. You can see that they were all written in honesty and sympathy for you, but I hope they didn't hurt too much.

Do you think that if you were to just bide your time for a while, the atmosphere at home might improve? Perhaps W was picking up some signals that your attention was elsewhere and that was making him grumpy and unpleasant. (Just rambling and thinking aloud here...)

I just hope you get through this without too much pain. Remember we're here for you! ('Yeah, with friends like you...' I hear you say!)

And you know you're an attractive, sexy woman, so you have no need to fear a life of celibacy!

trueself said...

FB,
I do believe W sensed something last night. Before we went to bed he said that I looked sad and asked if anything was wrong. I had no answer for him. Then when we got in bed he held me in his arms, which he hasn't done in quite some time, and asked me again what was wrong. I melted into tears. Of course, I had to be careful what I said so I told him two of three things I am sad about. I told him that I hate to see how he and N interact, that it hurts me to watch and hear them. I also told him that I am incredibly unhappy in my job and wish so much that I could find another. I went to sleep with my head on his shoulder and his arms around me. Is there a chance that we could stay together? I don't know. Only if he were to agree to counseling and doing some serious work to make things better between him and N. I still think I must file for separation. As my attorney explained to me, if I file for separation it will emphasize the seriousness of the situation to W, and he'll be faced with the decision of making changes to save the marriage or not to make changes and letting go of the marriage.

And no, I didn't think any of the comments to my last post were harsh at all. Actually, they were quite kinder than I had expected.

Seeker said...

I feel so sad for you, Trueself. You wanted so much to believe that this guy was 'the one' that you convinced yourself far to early that he was!

It might not seem like it now, but you will get over this; your life will be good again. Just keep hanging in there!

Stinkypaw said...

It's no more ok for you to tolerate W than it is for N. Don't fall back into your fears. YOU need/must get out of there and rebuild yourself. You need to do this for you first. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, you even said so here. Don't let this experience with BJ pull you back. Shit happens and you will (most likely) meet other men with whom you'll think that's the one and who turn out no to be - that's ok.

Your fears are chocking you, which is normal and also it is a known feeling, but again DON'T settle, don't requestioned everything... You need some time by yourself to figure things out for yourself. This is not good... please don't go back - it hasn't work before what makes you think it will work now... please!

You need to take care of YOU and N

Emily said...

I hope my comments were not considered too harsh, because I really had a lot of sympathy for you and I still do.

And I am so sorry that things are so hard right now.

I do not thing that you need to fear a life of celibacy. In my experience, women with plenty of juice and verve and joy in living do not want for admirers, however fat they think they are.

If it were me, I'd be tempted to have the big talk with W. Not about the affairs, but about my feelings and my wish that we could go into counselling and both work on the issues. And if I didn't get the answer I wanted, I'd leave, on at least a temporary basis.

Sometimes people need to wake the hell up to themselves and to what is going on with their marriage. W is one of those people at the moment.

Emily said...

ps Aack, I forgot the most important bit:

Tissue?

*Wipes tears*

Tim tam?

*Profers entire packet, plus big glass of wine*

*Hugs*

E xox