Questions?

I'm not going to have a lot of time to focus on the blog for a few days so I would like to do something a bit different. While I'm away leave me questions to answer. You can leave them in the comments on this post, or you can send them to my email address in my profile.

When I get the chance to get back to my blog I'll answer your questions. Then I won't have to think up a topic for a post. You'll do it for me! I will answer each and every one from the serious to the humorous, from the easy to the difficult. You may not get the answers you want, but I will answer you.

So here's your chance. Ask me anything! Wanna know my favorite color, what plant I'd be if I were a plant, why the hell W is still in my house, what my stand is on abortion or school vouchers? Ask!

I’ll Have the Counseling with a Side of Reality Please

Background
W and I were attending counseling weekly since last winter. Our stated mission was to work on better parenting and improving the marriage. W and I both really like this counselor. She is very good. She has a way of seeing through things that are said and hearing the meaning behind them, restating to see if she’s got it and generally saying it much better than we ever did but capturing the exact meaning that we were trying to get across. When I moved to LNJ we continued counseling, going on Saturdays when I was in LOH. When W and N moved to LNJ it was at the same time that our counselor was leaving for a one week conference followed by a three week vacation in Africa. So for four weeks we were on our own, but we resumed counseling, over the phone when she returned from vacation. So when I talk about current counseling sessions with W the phone sessions are my point of reference.

Currently
In this week’s session I pulled out the stops and rather than tempering my comments, and trying to make nice (I know, I know, should’ve done this long before) I stood my ground. When W said how well things were going and what a good time he and I had together last week when we went to dinner for his birthday, I refused to go along. I disagreed. I expressed disappointment and my reasons for it. A few other times during the hour I expressed other instances of disappointment, frustration, uncertainty, and all those other things we don’t talk about. While I’m not sure if W really got it I could tell the counselor did. I could tell by her comments that she senses where this is going (splitting rather than staying together). I think that’s good. I think it is good because I’m hoping she can help us through the split and help guide W to some better decisions than disappearing to parts unknown. Combine that with the EAP counselor I’m seeing, and I do believe I’m getting stronger and more ready to confront this.

Future
I hope that in this next week W and I can have some serious talks about us and our future and how things would be better for us apart than together. I know that he will try to guilt me into staying. I know that he will tell me how he can’t live without me. I know that. I also know that what I am going to propose is that he doesn’t have to live completely without me, that I would like him to move to a small condo near here, or assisted living facility if necessary, so that I would be close enough by to help him out when he needs it. I want to explain that we aren’t really acting like a married couple now but just occupying the same house. We are more friends than lovers. I was more able to be a friend to him when we were 200 miles away from each other, when I only saw him occasionally. I think we would both do better not trying to live in the same house together, but I do think we should both make the attempt to get along, be friends, take care of one another. I don’t know whether I can convince him or not. I do know that physically he is not right now capable of just taking off like he has threatened, or that if he tried he would likely end up getting badly hurt or worse. How much guilt would I feel over that? Would N blame me for it? Probably. I can hear him in my mind saying, “Mom, if you hadn’t kicked him out this (whatever this turns out to be) wouldn’t have happened.” Because in spite of N saying things about not wanting W around, he will turn right around and get mad at me if I seem at all put out by W.

C'mon Seven

Bunny (of Down the Rabbit Hole) tagged me to do a “7 Random Facts About Me” meme. I’ve done a couple of these before so I’m not sure how many more times I can keep coming up with the fascinating kind of information that keeps all of you (yes, all 3 of my readers) coming back, but let’s give it a try shall we?

1. I have lived in 4 different states in my lifetime, the shortest for six months and the longest for 23 years.
2. I have lived in 12 different towns in my lifetime, the shortest for six months and the longest for 16½ years.
3. I have lived in 17 different houses/apartments in my lifetime (not counting short term fill the gap interim housing), the shortest for six months and the longest for 9 years. If I were to add in the short term (<6 months) housing I’d have to add several more, and I’m too lazy to count them.
4. When I was a senior in high school I received the highest ACT score (32) that year not only for my entire school but for the entire county where I lived.
5. My dad predicted that I would get at least a 29 on the ACT test so I was terrified to open the results when they came in. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I saw my score.
6. Because school was so easy for me (well, at least until I hit university level calculus) I have a hard time knowing how to help N when he struggles to learn. Things that just came easily and naturally to me don’t to him, and I have no background to tell me how to work through academic things that don’t come naturally. Thank goodness for tutors who do know how to help.
7. My parents wouldn’t let me get my ears pierced as a kid, and my mom told me if I wanted them pierced I’d have to wait until I was an adult to have it done. When I was a freshman in college I found out that you could get your ears pierced at the student health center for just the cost of the studs so I went down there as soon as I could and got ‘em pierced. The nurse doing it said mine were the first virgin ears she’d seen in a long time.

There you have it. Seven more random facts about me. Oh, and just so you know, I'm not tagging anybody because I've seen this one done just about everywhere lately. If you feel inclined however please feel free to consider yourself tagged and share seven random facts about you on your blog or in the comments here. Whatever.

Consider yourself lucky that I posted this today. I was a little short on sleep last night. I was up most of the night with N. He’s sick as a dog and has thrown up several times throughout the night. W is taking him to the doctor this morning. Poor little guy.

Lil’ Bits and Pieces and a Few Odds and Ends

This is just random little stuff floating in my head needing the freedom to escape the confines of my little brain.

1. I liked V. I thought V and I were going to be dating. After a few emails that followed our first date. . . nothing. I have no clue what happened here. Huh, women. . .



2. I like sex as much as the next person, more than some apparently from my blog reading. In theory, I’m good with the whole open relationship thing. In practice, I find it to be too much trouble and time consuming. I don’t want to spend a bazillion hours reading ads, responding to ads, weeding out the idiots and jerks. So I’m not a prude, just lazy.



3. What BJ calls encouragement I perceive as pushing. I know he wants me to leave W soon, as in yesterday. I also know that I tried not to ever push him as he made his decision over when and how to make the move. Fortunately, since I called him on it he has backed off. But I know it’s still there. . .



4. I didn’t get W a card for Father’s Day or his birthday. I helped N pick out cards for both occasions, but when it came to getting one from me I just couldn’t find the right sentiment. No cards said “Happy Father’s Day to someone who needs to get a clue how to be a decent father.” Nor could I find one that said, “Happy Birthday to my husband. Sorry I don’t really love you anymore.” I never said anything to W about not getting him cards, and he didn’t say anything to me about it either.



5. N wanted to get W a birthday present. He wanted to get him some new underwear because “Dad’s underwear all has holes in it.” Now normally I would have steered him to something else, or at least suggested getting something in addition to the underwear. As things stand, I said fine. So W’s birthday gift this year – tighty whiteys from N and socks from me. Yeah, we really went all out.



6. Every time I see my dad it makes me sad. He will turn 80 soon and is being treated for colon cancer. He is finished with chemo but still on radiation. He looks so old and weak compared to my Daddy. Daddy is big and strong and can do anything. As a little girl he was my hero. I thought of him as just the right combination of Andy Taylor and Steve Douglas (if you don’t get those references you are either (a) too young and/or (b) haven’t watched enough TVLand or Nick at Nite). Now he is old and getting frail. I really want my Daddy back.



7. Women Only Item (No men! Scat! Shoo! This item not fit for masculine eyes.)
   This is a TMI item so feel free to skip it if you wish. I am curious if anyone else has problems with digestive tract disturbances during their period. I don’t always, but more than half the time, during my period I have painful and explosive diarrhea. It’s not as if I’m like this all the time either. During other times I rarely (but occasionally) get diarrhea in what I would consider a fairly normal rate of occurrence. But boy oh boy come period time. . . I hate this double whammy. As if cramps and flooding (just learned that term thanks to Bunny) weren’t bad enough try having the runs at the same time. Disgusting.


OKAY, It’s safe to return now.


8. Mystery of the day: If one runs two data queries with the same parameters, queries one runs on a regular basis that always tie to one another, and asks for all data posted through yesterday how does one get two different answers?



9. After not hearing from him from around October or so of last year, S called and kept calling and leaving me voicemail messages on my cell phone this spring. If I still lived in LOH I would’ve returned his calls, but I don’t. Now I’ve changed my cell phone number to a local number in LNJ so he doesn’t even have my number anymore. He was fun. I miss him sort of, but not enough to call him. I never cared so much about actually talking to him. Now if I were going to be in LOH long enough to see him I might contact him. But that just isn’t likely to happen. I still have his number though. I think I’ll keep it for a while.

Ruffled

And no I don’t mean like a fancy shirt or even a potato chip (although potato chips do sound quite good right now, not that that has anything to do with what I’m trying to discuss here). I am ruffled, as in flustered, as in stirred up, as in jumpy. I feel the tension all around me.
I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

I want out.

Out of the marriage.

Out of limbo.

Out of the uncertainty of the future.

Out.

I want out.

HOWEVER

I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

YET

I want to leave him behind and move on without him.

BUT

I want him to stay around so that N doesn’t feel abandoned by him.

AND

I want us to all get along and be civil to one another – W, N, BJ, me, and all the others affected by this.

ALTHOUGH

I doubt that is possible.

SO

Here I am, stuck in limbo, ruffled, flustered, frustrated, flailing, maybe even failing, definitely disappointing my man BJ who has bravely made that huge leap into the abyss. Who can blame him for wanting me to do likewise? Who can blame him for wanting me, the one who urged him to go ahead and make that move, to join him in the unrelenting rapids of the river of divorce?
If I were smarter I'd know how to put cute little captions on the picture itself, but I'm not so here they are. I see BJ as that guy front and center, bravely making his way through the rapids. I on the other hand am the one way in the background in the calm waters, hanging back, waiting, waiting for the fear to subside or for the bravery to kick in or for someone to come along and drag me along kicking and screaming I guess. Oh, and those other two in the middle? I don't know, just some poor schmucks caught up in the whole process.

I'm Actually Worth More Than I Thought

Your Life Is Worth...

$432,500

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

How about that? I'm worth almost half a million. Not great, but not too bad. At least I'm not in the hole. Of course, one shouldn't measure one's worth strictly by monetary standards. No, I am much more valuable in intrinsic terms than any monetary figure that could be stamped on me.

Hmm, this is relatively new, this thinking of myself as a valuable human being. I like it though. It feels good. It feels better and better the more I believe it, and I do believe it now more than I ever have in my lifetime. I am worth something. Good for me!

What does it mean if I am a valuable person? Why it means that I deserve to be treated as such. I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and love and kindness and at the very least civility. I deserve to have my needs met just as much as I help to meet others' needs.

By golly, I've come to the conclusion that

I AM A WORTHWHILE PERSON
I AM A SOMEBODY, NOT A NOBODY
I MATTER

Whew! I feel better now. . .

Crying

Because:

1. BJ had to leave today.


2. I didn't get to see BJ this morning before he left.


3. When I tried to discuss rationally our problems with W he suddenly turned too damned nice, and pathetic, by saying, "I know things aren't the greatest but I try to just accept things as they are and be glad I have you and N."


4. When I was getting out of the car when we returned home after having taken N to the park for a couple hours I got a little back spasm. When I said something about it, N said, "No you don't. You're just using that as an excuse." I don't even have a clue what he meant by that, but it hurt my feelings.


5. The one symptom of PMS I haven't been able to gain a level of control over is crying.

Sleepy Saturday

Everybody's sleepy today:

BJ - Sound asleep when I arrived at the rental this morning around 8:00. I had left the house under the guise of garage saling, shopping, etc. I woke BJ in his very favorite ways, and we spent the morning wrapped in each other's arms in bed.

W - Sound asleep when I left this morning, and sound asleep now. I have never seen anyone who can sleep as much as W. I don't mean he has slept all day. No, he got up around 10:00 and has probably only been napping since around 2:00.

N - After being at camp, he is worn out. He didn't sleep much at camp apparently which is no surprise to me so he conked out shortly after I got him home this afternoon and is currently sound asleep on the family room floor curled up with the family dog.

TS - Yes, even I got into the sleepy act. I also fell asleep and napped for an hour or so this afternoon. It is a cloudy, thundery, rainy day, therefore a perfect day for napping. Who was I to fight it?

The Post without a Decent Title

BJ arrived yesterday. Oh, you didn't know? Yes, he is here for a job interview. Due to me still having my rental until the end of July in spite of being held prisoner living in the new house, BJ has a free place to stay and will be here until Sunday morning.

Yesterday evening we met at the rental and shared pizza and brownies and a bit of good old fashioned X rated fun. OMG how I love that man. I hated to leave. I wanted to stay. I wondered how late I could stay before W would be calling to find out where I was. I wondered if I could muster the courage to tell him that I wasn't coming home for the night.

I decided to go home. I hated it. I was tempted to sneak out after W went to sleep. A big thunderstorm helped me decide to stay home.

I was up early this morning. I throught about dropping by to see BJ, but he isn't an early morning person and not the easiest to wake. Then again, maybe I'll just stop by on the way in to work just to check and make sure he's doing okay.

Excuse me. Gotta run. . .

Survived

As usual I dreamed up the worst case scenario, and of course it didn't happen. Life in the Midwest continues relatively undisturbed after yesterday evening's events.

At my EAP appointment, we role played how to talk to W about the problems we have, and my frustration over his repeated agreements to do things without ever following through. (This applies across the board to just about every problem we have in this relationship. He says what it takes to placate me for the moment whether or not he intends to actually do it.)

W and I went to dinner as planned, to a steakhouse. He enjoyed it a lot. I sat and looked at him on the other side of the table. We talked little. Status quo. I wanted to start the discussion that I had earlier role played. I didn't. I wimped. I also sat and wondered how BJ's discussion with his wife was going and kept waiting to feel the vibration of my phone in my pocket as BJ was to call when it was over.

W and I headed home. About halfway home from the restaurant my phone vibrated. Yes, W was sitting right there next to me. We both heard the buzz of the phone and he said, "Hmm, one of us has a call." We both pulled out phones. I answered seeing on the display that it was BJ. W was sitting next to me. I spoke little and mostly answered yes and no to BJ's questions. Was I able to talk? No. Could I text him when I got freed up? Yes. A couple of more I don't remember. I hung up and W immediately asked who it was. I told him it was my supervisor asking if I'd finished a project. Lame. He didn't appear to believe me but said little. I changed the subject to my bad need for some dental floss to release a bit of dinner between two teeth. Again lame. I made the decision in my head that if he called me on my story I'd come clean, and we'd go ahead and have the dreaded talk right then and there. He didn't.

W's digestive tract was not happy with some of the rich foods he'd had for dinner, and he headed straight to the downstairs bathroom when we got home. I said I was going up to change clothes. I texted BJ on the way upstairs. He called. Standing in the closet (well, it's a big walk in closet) in the bedroom I talked briefly with BJ, long enough to find out the conversation went about as well as could be expected. Suddenly, and without warning (how the hell did he come up so quietly?) W was in the doorway talking to me. I snapped the phone closed. Poor BJ. At least he told me later he heard W's voice in the background just before the phone went dead so he knew why it happened. I don't think that W caught that I was on the phone, or at least he didn't say so.

Okay this is getting way too long for the quick update it was intended to be. I am nothing if not wordy. I'll wind up by saying that in spite of BJ telling his wife of my existence she hasn't yet tried calling that one number that repeatedly appears on their cell phone bill. Of course, that doesn't mean she won't. If she does, I will handle it as best I can with as much dignity as possible.

No mushroom clouds, but I still feel as though the finger is poised just over the red button.

Late edit:
I so need to stop reading my horoscope. I didn't need to hear this today:

You may be so firmly resolved in your current beliefs that no one will be able to talk you out of your perspective. You know what must be done and are willing to enroll others to help you in your quest, even if it means hiding your true intentions. Be aware of your own power or you might inadvertently trample over someone's feelings on the way to your destination.

This Evening

This evening, with N away at basketball camp, W and I will be going out for dinner to celebrate his birthday after I spend an hour with my EAP counselor this afternoon working through how to handle my ugly, overly complex life. At about the same time that we are out to dinner BJ will be having "the talk" with his wife. Now, if after the talk she puts two and two together (and there's no reason to think she wouldn't) and decides to call that number that pops up over and over on their cell phone bill things could get mighty interesting.

If you see a mushroom cloud or two emanating from the Midwest this evening at least you'll know why. . .

Lordy, I feel a panic attack coming on. . .

The Church Post

Didn't think I would get to this so soon. However the network drives were down at work so I couldn't access the files I needed to work, but the internet was still working. Gotta keep busy somehow so that gave me time to write most of this earlier.

Being new in town means the ever frustrating adventure of finding a church to attend regularly. I suppose for some that would be relatively easy for they were born into and raised within THEIR denomination. They have been and will be that denomination for life so they find that denomination's local congregation and that's that, or maybe they have to pick between two or three nearby. However, for those of us who were raised in various protestant denominations, bouncing from one to another, and continuing that pattern into adulthood it ain't that easy.

I start by looking up information about churches in the area. First of all, I can immediately cross off my list of churches to try any that are doctrinely just too different from me. Although I could easily write a whole post devoted to doctrine that isn't where I want to go in this post. Assuming I find a church that is close enough in doctrine for me (and truly I've never found a church whose doctrine entirely matches my personal beliefs) to be comfortable worshiping there then the following things are important to me (in order that I think of them, not in order fo importance to me) in my decision to attend:

1. Right mix of traditional/contemporary elements to the service.


2. Following a standard order of service rather than mixing it up every week.


3. No applause in church, although even I can make exceptions for special circumstances like responding to the announcement that someone is celebrating a 50th anniversary or something like that.


4. A relatively small congregation, somewhere in the 100-200 range.


5. Children's programs for N that are engaging to him.


6. Hymns, hymns, hymns - a mix of traditional and contemporary, lots of them during the service. I love to sing.


7. Varied fellowship activities like coffee hour before or after services, potlucks, dinners for 8, service projects, game nights, anything that brings people from the congregation together outside of formal worship.


8. Bible studies and adult Sunday school classes.


9. People who reach out to say hello to you when you're new, not just the standard shake-your-hand-say-good-morning greeters, but others that walk up and introduce themselves.


10. Although not a necessity I love a church where all the members wear nametags. Makes learning names for those who are less than stellar at name memory much easier (and less embarassing than asking over and over for someone to tell you once again who they are).


11. No embarassing of visitors by making them stand up and be recognized. Ewwwww, I hate that. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Make me do that, and I'll likely not attend again.


12. Warm welcoming friendly people who don't act like you're trying to horn your way into their private club. If a church is too insular or to cliqueish (don't think I spelled that right, but oh well) then I won't like it. I've spent too much of my life feeling like I was the oddball standing on the sidelines looking in. I certainly don't need to feel that way at church.


13. I love Sunday night and Wednesday night services, but they seem to be getting scarcer and scarcer. I'll even settle for other activities on these two nights like Bible studies or fellowship activities or even choir rehearsal, but dang it give me something on those two nights each week. I attended one church that held Wednesday Night Dinners that were followed by various activities for all ages, classes and Bible studies and the like. It was good. I liked it. They also didn't have a formal Sunday evening service, but they did have a small group that met in the sanctuary on Sunday nights for praise singing and Bible study. I was fine with that. It was nice. After both of those things fell by the wayside, I didn't stay much longer at that church.

BTW, I'm blogging about this to avoid the big issues in my life. I know I am. So sue me.

The Rest of the Story

Thanks for the answers you left on my parenting question from yesterday's post. Here's how I handled it with a few thoughts tacked on just for good measure.

I said nothing to Grandma even though on the inside I wanted to go whack her upside the head. I said nothing to N until after we left the establishment. I told him that he did nothing wrong, and that maybe she was a little overly sensitive about things from being treated badly in her childhood.

Here are some extra thoughts and facts about the situation. Because I am not a mom who ignores my kid when he's playing at one of these places, I was quite aware of what the kids were playing and how. I have never hesitated to call N over and correct his behavior when necessary. These kids were all enjoying playing with one another. The younger one appeared to be happy to be included in their game and was all smiles until Grandma intervened. I think she was far out of line. Also, another piece that I forgot to include in yesterday's post is that the little boy's parents were there too. They did and said nothing while Grandma "handled" the situation. I have no idea how they felt about it as they appeared to be completely oblivious to the situation altogether. It was strange. My conclusion still stands that due to something in her past Grandma is just a wee bit too sensitive about certain situations.

Parenting Question

Totally off topic from anything I mentioned in my list of posts to be written, but this is bugging me and I have to ask.

Situation:
You are at a certain fast food establishment (doesn't really matter which one) that has the kids' play area. After your child has eaten enough of his chicken nuggets to qualify as having "eaten his lunch" you allow him to play on the equipment. Soon there are about half a dozen kids playing there. A few start to play tag, including one who is a bit younger (maybe 4) than the others playing (probably 7 or 8 years old, maybe 1 of them was as much as 10 years old). When the younger one is "IT" the others are running from him and encouraging each other to hide (just as they did whenever any of them was "IT"). At this point, the younger one's grandmother goes over to the children and reprimands them from running away from her grandson "like there's something wrong with him" (her words, not mine). The kids, looking bewildered, say no they're just playing a game. She then tells her grandson to come back to their table and doesn't let him play anymore.

Question:
As a parent of one of the children she reprimanded what would you have done or said either to her or to your child?



I'll share what I did after I get a few opinions in the comments. . .

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

I have lots and lots of thoughts running through this addled brain. I have some great interesting verbose blog posts milling around in there on a few different topics. If I find the time this week expect posts on:

• Church
• Honor - real vs. misguided
• Counseling/therapy/mental health

If I don't find the time expect whiney posts on how hard life is. Boring. . . .

More Junk

Interesting how I can truly see myself in both of these even though they don't really appear to describe the same person.

You Are A Green Girl

You feel most at home in a world of ideas. You're curious and logical - and enjoy a good intellectual challenge. You're super cool, calm, and collected. Very little tries your patience. Your only fear? People not realizing how smart and able you are!

What Color Girl Are You?

Your Inner Child Is Angry

You're not an angry person. But when you don't get your way, watch out. Like a very manipulative kid, you will get what you want. Even if it takes a little kicking and screaming.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Two, Deux, Dos, 2, 1+1, 4-2, aka Just a Couple a Things About Me

Two Names You Go By
1 Trueself
2 Mom

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Gray shorts
2. Black t-shirt with butterflies on it

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:
1. open communication
2. honesty

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. read
2. cook

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. someone to load all the songs I want onto my MP3 player
2. sex with BJ

Two pets you had/have:
1. Basset Hound that I raised from a pup
2. Yellow longhair cat who knew he was the boss

Two things you did last night:
1. cooked dinner
2. went to bed early

Two things you ate today:
1. popcorn (went to see the new Fantastic 4 movie)
2. bagel w/cream cheese

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. N
2. W

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. going to church
2. reading the Sunday newspaper

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. Thanksgiving

Two Books you recently read
1. Where Have All the Leaders Gone? by Lee Iacocca
2. Your Perfect Job by Robert Bittner

Two things you wish you did better
1. Sing
2. Take care of myself

Two shows you watch on tv
1. All My Children
2. Big Brother

naughty section
Two things you liked to do sexually that you haven't done or don't do often
1. haven't done - one that only BJ and I know about and I'm not about to share
2. don't do often (enough) - oral sex, on the receiving side

Two places outside of bed you have had sex.
1. in the front seat of a Toyota pickup truck
2. in a swimming pool

Two times you had sex and could have been arrested.
1. sex in the front seat of a Toyota pickup truck if we'd been seen
2. oral sex in the front seat of an SUV in a local park during the lunch hour

Two things you wish your lover would do more of.
1. oral sex on me
2. spending more time with me (which he would if he could)

Minor Annoyances (in the scheme of things)

Today's post is just full of petty annoyances. They probably bother me more due to my dealing with the utter collapse of the world around me, but I just need to vent.

• W has been leaving the door from the sun room to the dog run open so our dog could come and go as necessary. We end up with (literally) hundreds of moths in the sun room so W went and bought moth balls to clear out the sun room. Now the dog has to sleep in the laundry room, and I'm still dealing with a small number of moths in the house. I am not pleased.
• W called and asked me to help him with a grocery list yesterday in the early afternoon. I had planned on stopping on the way home from work but welcomed his offer to go instead. By the time I got home from work he hadn't been there yet. As of a phone conversation a little while ago he still hasn't.
• W's idea of unpacking is to take things out of boxes, stack them on shelves, countertops, whatever so that I can put them away. I don't love coming home to mountains of stuff every day. In a childish and unproductive turn, after asking him to do it differently but getting no cooperation, I've stopped putting things away. The mountains continue to grow.
• It is virtually impossible for me to have any time for me. How do other people find that time? Do other people's families insist that all nonwork time be spent as family time unless one has an appointment of some kind? Is it unreasonable to want to take a walk by oneself instead of being flanked by husband, son and dog every single time?

Quick Tidbits

• The old house sold. This is good news because now the financial picture becomes clearer and easier to manage.
• W is becoming involved in the community here. This is good news because I believe that will make him less likely to disappear to parts unknown when the split happens.
• N and I spent some nice mom & son time together yesterday and have plans to do so again tonight. The more time without W the better off we seem.
• My EAP counselor is concerned that in spite of being on anti-depressants and feeling better than I did a year ago that I still exhibit several symptoms of depression. She recommended I call my Dr. and check on upping the anti-depressant and/or getting sleeping pills. I think that I feel so much better I didn't identify this need as easily as fresh eyes looking at the situation.

That's it for today. I'm tired.

Continuing on. . .

(Whew! Writing this was tough, rereading it was even tougher. I feel very much exposed here. This is the ugly truth, the ugly reality behind closed doors.)

N is caught in the middle between W and me. W and I do not agree on childrearing issues. I think W is too harsh. W thinks I’m too soft. N plays us against each other. We are not a healthy family.

My faults, as I see them:
• I have abdicated too much childrearing responsibility to W.
• I don’t deal effectively with N when he gets belligerent with me or talks back to me.
• In my fear of doing the wrong thing and probably in part due to perfectionist tendencies, I do nothing at all.
• I want so badly to be AWAY from W that I don’t work as hard as I should on making things better between the two of us which results in further conflict to which N is exposed.
• I don’t want to have to be responsible for anyone but me even if that is incredibly selfish.
• I think sometimes I talk to N a little too much like he’s an adult rather than the child that he is and expect him to be a little more mature about things than his capabilities allow.
• I give in too easily to N’s whining and complaining.
• I have an overwhelming fear that I will never be able to be the kind of mother that N deserves.

W’s faults, as I see them:
• He does not want to be bothered by dealing with N day in and day out, preferring that N go to other children’s houses to play freeing up his time.
• He does not ask N to do things, but barks orders.
• When N balks at doing what W tells him, W more often than not gives up and drops the subject.
• W often accuses N of doing things that N hasn’t done, but when he finds out his error he rarely apologizes to N instead choosing to say something like “Well, if you didn’t normally do things like that I wouldn’t have accused you.”
• W will begin to complain about something thinking that N did it, but upon finding out I did it he will back off and be very nice about it. Don’t think N hasn’t picked up on this and pointed it out many times.
• W refuses to pick and choose battles. He perpetuates the power struggle between him and N because he wants control of everything, from what N wears to how his hair is cut to what and how much he eats. He can’t give it up even though I’ve begged him to and he has verbally agreed to do so.
• W embarrasses N (and me) with his rude aggressive manner towards others and his willingness to make a scene in public about seemingly small things.

As a result of all this, N exhibits very bratty behavior. He whines, and back talks, and refuses to do as asked. For the most part, he gets away with it. Discipline is not consistent. As hard as I try to be consistent, I get undermined by W who keeps changing the rules. Last night, as W was telling N that he was going to lose TV privileges if he didn’t do something (I don’t know what; I’ve lost track) N asked how long he’d lose TV privileges. W refused to answer except to say that he didn’t know but it would be a while. I sat there trying to stay out of the conversation, stunned that he would make a threat without definite consequences. At least if I tell you the consequences of a behavior you’ll be told exactly what the punishment will be and how long it will last.

You have no idea how it feels to get all this off my chest. I fear that one day the people I know in real life will find out what a horrid job we’re doing as parents. I fear that one day N is going to get to a point where he is absolutely out of control. He already scares me sometimes.

It’s coming down to me deciding if I can handle N better on my own than with W. I’ve tried the counseling thing to get W and me on the same page. So far, it seems to have little effect. Yet W sees things as getting better, and when I don’t I’m called a pessimist and unfair. Maybe I am. Maybe things really are getting better, and I just don’t see it.

Conversation last weekend between N and me:

TS: I don’t like the way you are talking to me. It is disrespectful.
N: So?
TS: How would you like it if your kids talked to you that way when you’re grown up?
N: They wouldn’t. They’ll talk to my wife that way.
TS: Do you want anyone talking to your wife that way?
N: I wouldn’t care. I’d be gone like Dad is (W was, as usual, in another part of the house). He doesn’t care how I talk to you.
TS: (tears welling in eyes) Please go find something to do in another room. I need some time by myself.
N: Fine. (sits down in doorway) I’m in another room.
TS: Fine. Thank you. (feeling lost and very alone)

Food for Thought

Yesterday I was reading my favorite blogs and got hit square in the eyes with Freebird's post. Specifically, the part that hit me was this:

Mr E can't think of himself. He is basing his life's decisions on how they will affect other people, not his own happiness. He thinks he won't be able to live with himself knowing that he's devastated Mrs E and taken her home away, but he can't live with what it will do to me if we split. That worries me. He goes into a loop with the two sides of the question and then his brain shuts down and he thinks he's heading for a nervous breakdown.

Okay, go back and substitute TS for Mr E, W for Mrs E, BJ for Freebird. It applies just as well.

Oh, and something my EAP counselor said to me yesterday that hit home (and yes I know many of you have said similar things and had it fall on deaf ears):

You made promises to him, but he made promises to you too. There is nothing wrong with standing up and insisting that your needs be met too.

Oh and one last little thing of no consequence whatsoever. Here's what happens when accountants try to doodle:

Setting the Stage

Okay, time to see if I can make myself face the reality of my life. (I thought this would be one post, but looks as though it will become a series of posts, or at least two. This post sets the stage of reality, what really is at my house. When I got to the end of this post I hit that wall again of not wanting to face things. Don't know when I'll write the rest of the story.)

It is an intricate dance, this interaction that occurs daily amongst N and W and me. I have to recognize the parts we are playing. I also have to recognize that the only person’s behavior, thoughts and feelings that I can change are my own. I have hit a crisis and keep looking for someone else to fix it. In reality, the only person that can fix my crisis is me. (Well, duh, that seems obvious doesn’t it?)


So who are these characters who are involved in this melodrama called Life?

W – a grumpy old man
Fearful of many things including losing TS, his rock for the last 20 years, his mortality since he’s beaten death multiple times in his life but can’t beat the passage of time, his virility that he boasted so much about in his younger days but seems to be a thing of the past. Perhaps in reaction to his fears, W presents himself to the world as an angry old man with a chip on his shoulder. He generally is confrontational, sarcastic and rude when dealing with people. Perhaps he confuses this presentation with one of strength and power. It’s not fooling me and probably not very many others either.

N – a typical kid
Plays one parent against the other because he has learned that he can. Without even realizing what it is he is doing he has pitted W and TS against each other. He has learned that he can wear down his parents until they give up and give in. He has learned a set of survival skills taught to him by the actions of his parents. These skills are now wreaking havoc as W and TS have practically given up control to him.

TS – a confused woman, barely coping
I’ve certainly tried to fashion myself as victim, but that is not really the case. TS likes things easy and likes things her way. When these criteria aren’t met, TS suffers from the emotional equivalent of a drought. It looks sunny and blue skies abound and everything seems beautiful until you notice the lack of rain that has caused the plants to die and the ground to crack. TS is the drought that contributes to the withering spirit in N and the hardness of W, but presents herself to the world as all sunny blue skies. Sorry too much metaphor, not enough sleep last night.

Let me start (oh wait, I’ve long gone past start). Let me continue by saying that I do not hold N responsible for any of the problems that have occurred or are occurring. He is a child. He does what children do. He copes in the best way that he can imagine in his child’s brain. His actions are not always productive or helpful, but they are very much the result of his coping the best he can figure how with what goes on around him. W and I are the parents. If there is anyone to blame here, W and I share that honor. We are the ones that have helped mold N’s behavior. We are the only ones that can institute changes that will channel his behavior in a different direction.

I have more to say, but I’m going to leave it at this for now. I have to sit with this a bit, continue to face reality, and eventually get to the deep dark place that is the core of what I’m trying to face and communicate here.

Reality, It's Just Around the Corner

I’ve been filling my blog with “junk” lately.



Perhaps it’s because nothing has really happened so I have nothing to say. No, that’s not it.

Perhaps it’s because I haven’t had the time to write a well thought out post. No, that’s not it either.

Perhaps it’s because I can’t find the right words to say what I want to say. Nope, still not it, but getting closer.

Perhaps it’s because I’m finding it hard to look at the reality that is looking me squarely in the face, and writing a blog post about it would force me to actually look at that reality rather than ignore it. Bingo! We have a winner!



Still not quite ready, but I think I’m getting closer. At least I can admit that it’s there, even if I’m not yet willing to admit what it is even to myself.

I Hate Being Paranoid

But I am.

Paranoid as hell.

What the hell is going on? And why isn't there any communication?

God I hate being paranoid.

More Insights into my Psyche

What People Think of Your Mouth

People see you as both flirtatious and intimidating. Your friends are secretly put off by your seductive powers. And strangers either fear you or obsess over you - sometimes both. No way to fight it - you're a natural vamp. Or rake.

What Does Your Mouth Say About You?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?

You Communicate With Your Body

This isn't as bad as it sounds, it just means that you're a "touchy-feely" person. You need a lot of affection in your life. And for you, this means both giving and receiving little touches. Warm hearted, you bond with people easily. In fact, you often feel a little sad when you're not in the company of others. A little moody, you tend to be controlled by your emotions. But a big hug always comforts you!

How Do You Communicate?

You Are a Brownie Cheesecake

A little chunky and a little gooey, you pretty much run on sugar! You take hedonism to the extreme.. And people love you for it.

What Kind of Cheesecake Are You?

You Are 24% Capitalist, 76% Socialist

You tend to be quite wary of businesses, especially big business. While you know that corporations have their place, you tend to support small, locally owned shops. As far as the rich go, you think they're usually corrupt and immoral.

Are You a Socialist or Capitalist?

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

Random Facts

I've been tagged by Laurie Anne at All Over the Bored. I didn't even know she existed until she dropped a comment a few days ago here on my blog. I sure wish other lurkers would drop the occasional comment, though maybe not to tag me with some dreaded meme. ;-)

Anyway, here are the rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Well, this will be a challenge. Is there anything I haven’t already shared here on this blog? I mean really, coming up with eight things is going to be virtually impossible. However, I’ll give it a try.


Eight random facts about me

1. I attended junior high and/or high school with two major league baseball players and one LPGA golfer.
2. Most of the furniture (particularly the expensive nice stuff) in my house has been inherited from W’s relatives so when we split I guess I lose most of my furniture.
3. I break out into an awful “poison ivy” type rash anytime I come into contact with neomycin (active ingredient in Neosporin). Neosporin is W’s favorite ointment to put on cuts and scrapes, naturally. I have banned Neosporin from our house.
4. I hate wearing shoes, believing that if God had meant for us to wear shoes He would have provided the talent to someone to make shoes that are comfortable. I often take my shoes off while sitting at my desk at work or sitting in church or at dinner in a restaurant, just about anytime I think I can get away with it.
5. Just so you know I was the one that had the peanut butter jar and knife hidden in my room, but the more my mom made a big deal out of them being missing the more scared I was to come clean about it. That’s why the knife mysteriously reappeared in the kitchen one day and the jar of peanut butter was thrown away, buried in the bottom of the trash can, so that I wouldn’t be discovered. I never have confessed that to anybody for almost 30 years until now.
6. The worst part to me about attending a new church is trying to figure out the proper protocol there for communion. For this reason, I often don’t take communion until I have attended a church for several months even if they practice an open invitation to communion so that I can watch and learn and study and learn and try to avoid looking like a complete fool by “doing it wrong.”
7. My favorite sandwich when I was a kid consisted of white bread, bologna, potato chips, ketchup and sometimes, but not always, American cheese.
8. When I was young I learned very well how easy it is to get out of things through lying. I became a world class liar and continue to be so today. This blog is the one place where I really speak the honest truth, at least as honest as I allow myself to be with myself.

Well now, how's that for an eclectic list of randomocity, randominity, randomorousness, randomice, randomness, random facts?

And as to tagging eight more victims readers to do likewise, forget it. It's hard work. Don't do it! Don't even try to steal borrow this meme. Just let it die a slow, withering death.

Peabody - Fire up the Wayback Machine

I've been tagged by my BJ to participate in a meme. Well, who am I to deny him anything? Besides if I didn't get tagged chances are pretty good I'd steal it anyway, right?

1. Go to the Billboard #1 Hits listings (scroll down and you’ll see them separated by decades on the left in the sidebar)
2. Pick the year you turned 18
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs of the year
4. Pick 5 songs and write something about how these songs affected you
5. Pass it on to 5 more friends

I turned 18 in 1979 (put your calculators away 46). It was a fine time for all things disco. Let's take a look at five songs from that year so I can wax nostalgic for a bit.

1. Sad Eyes - Robert John
What can I say? At 18 I was full of teen angst, wearing my emotions on my sleeve, and this song spoke volumes to me.

2. Rise - Herb Alpert
Love the melody, love the mood of the song, love instrumental music from this era. Gotta say guys, particularly college guys, are clueless. I didn't know one that had this in his music collection but it would have been perfect to play in the background during certain times.

3. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? - Rod Stewart
Hell yeah, Rod, I thought you were sexy. Oh yeah. BTW, where have all the guys with long hair gone? I love guys with long hair. What's up with all you guys getting the military short cuts. Yuck.

4. My Sharona - The Knack
Somehow I always felt dangerous and daring listening to this song. Besides the lyrics it has that great bass line and percussion to it that makes me want to drive too fast.

5. Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes
Love the story in this one. Shift it from newspaper personals to Yahoo or EHarmony or Match or any one of a million internet dating sites and the story works today just as well.

Okay, time to tag. If you are tagged here, feel free to ignore it if you don't want to do it. I'm just listing the first people I thought of that I would be interested in reading their answers. If you aren't listed, feel free to do it anyway. I could have listed lots more than five people that I would love to see their list.

Finished Last

Drama

Serenity

All of Her Secrets

Fatso

Quick Update

Bullet points just to placehold for things that may, or may not, become longer posts later.

• N and W seemed to do better yesterday, but when I asked N last night how things were he shook his head and said "not good."
• I have my appointment with the EAP counselor this afternoon. I hope that she can help me come up with a plan for dealing with all of this.
• W made a move on me (if you know what I mean) this morning. First time any interest has been shown in months. My reaction? Cold, detached, nothing.
• We could fairly easily and accurately rename "the new house" to "the money pit."

Building on the Previous Post

If Everyone Cared Nickelback

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I'm alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died
And I'm singing

Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen I'm alive
Singing Amen I'm alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

Imagine

I actually started writing this post a few days ago before becoming so absorbed in the melodrama that is my life right now. I thought I'd go ahead and finish it up and post it now in spite of the fact that this all seems less important to me right at the moment than N's welfare and wellbeing. The fact remains though that this song does keep running through my head, and I do think about bigger issues than just my own little family sometimes.

John Lennon's song, Imagine, has been running through my head a lot lately. I don't agree with all of it's sentiments, but I do with some of them, many of them in fact. While I, like many Americans, fare pretty darn well in this society of capitalism, I find that there are too many left behind. Wouldn't a world without wars, without greed, without hunger, be a better place? Shouldn't we turn our priorities towards helping others, rather than just ourselves, to attain a decent economic standing? Does it all have to be about competition rather than cooperation? Does it all have to be dog eat dog? I guess so as long as humans continue to be driven by their basest instincts. Sigh. . .


Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Report Card - A Definite F

If there were a course in Life, Marriage and Motherhood I would flunk. Without a doubt I would be right at the bottom of the class. Well, okay maybe not right at the bottom. Maybe there would be a few with worse grades than I, like the ones that allowed their husbands to beat them or their children and didn’t leave. I’d be right down there close though.

Why do I cover for him? Why do I try to make things seem not as bad as they really are? Why do I keep trying to make things better? Go back a few posts and read the Einstein quote on insanity again. Uh huh. That’s me. Damn.

I left my son for three months with his father while I enjoyed the freedom of not having to be around his father. Selfish. . . Stupid. . . What was I thinking? Oh, I know, W seemed to be making strides at making things better given the counseling we were attending. I saw him making efforts. I took note of how he actually seemed to listen when the counselor discussed changes that should be made, changes that I had requested but that had fallen on deaf ears. So I thought it would be okay. I thought that things were better enough. Okay, okay, I admit it. I also wanted to be on my own and not have to deal with either of them for a while. Selfish, stupid decision on my part.

Now we’re all back in the same house. After a week of this, N feels free to come and talk to me about his feelings about the situation. I listen. I try to tell him things will be alright. I can’t blame him that he doesn’t believe me. Why should he? As he himself said, W doesn’t change. Yet I have done nothing to protect my son from him but attend counseling. Counseling that apparently has made no real changes.

Last night, N was sitting on my lap in the family room. We were watching an episode of Supernanny. As the 13-year-old girl on the show talked about how she felt about her dad, about how she didn’t think he loved her, how he yelled at her, etc. N told me that is how he feels about his dad. He doesn’t believe W loves him. He wishes he hadn’t been born because he wouldn’t have been yelled at if his soul stayed in heaven. It broke my heart, really truly broke my heart. He and I talked for a long time with him sitting on my lap, tears rolling down his cheeks (and mine too sometimes), and me hugging him close to me. Finally, we were both exhausted, and I took him to bed and went to bed myself.

This morning I called the Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) for work. I talked to someone there and have an appointment on Thursday. I need help. N needs help. W needs help, but I can’t worry about him anymore. I’ve got to look out for N and me. I hope the counselor can point me in the right direction to get the help we need, maybe family counseling to help get N and me back on a proper Mom/Son relationship. By that I mean a relationship where I am a mom that N can look up to and respect and trust to take care of him.

Today at lunchtime I went home for lunch. N was at a friend’s house playing. Apparently (as I found out later) he has pretty much spent the entire day there. Why wouldn’t he? It must be a much more pleasant place to be than with W. However, I cannot count on neighbors to provide “free babysitting” all summer. So now I’m looking into day camps for him for the summer. I can’t leave him at home with W. Things are too volatile there. Plus he’s going to wear out his welcome at the friends’ houses he’s spent so much time visiting.

While I was home at lunch I took the time to talk to W about some of the issues that are at hand. I tried to focus on what I thought were the worst. I started with the namecalling. I told him that it has to stop. He went into defensive mode. He was just joking, just kidding around, didn’t intend to hurt N’s feelings. Well, it does hurt, so just stop it. I won’t tolerate it anymore. I told him that N said last night that he wished he hadn’t been born, and told W that we, as the parents, need to work with N to make sure that he doesn’t feel that way, that he can feel that life is worth living. W professed to have no clue how to do that. Fine. I was tired, lunchtime was over. I needed to return to work. W proceeded to tell me how hurt his feelings are. I’m sorry, but all I heard from there was “blah, blah, blah.” I reiterated that I had to get back to work, and I left.

This is bad. This is really really bad. Why oh why did I let it get to this point? Give the lady a big fat “F” for failure.

Nine Questions and a Lot of Fives

Feeling the need for a break from the doom gloom seriousness of life I stole another meme. This time I stole it from Nanette over at Underachieving Mommy , a blog I found following a link over at Finished Last's place.

1. What were you doing ten years ago?

I was happily working at a job that I expected to last until retirement (but when they went through bankruptcy a few years later that plan went up in smoke). I was giving up my desperate attempts to conceive a child and starting the adoption process.

2. What were you doing one year ago?

Well, as if I haven’t documented that thoroughly enough in this blog, I was trying to figure out how to drag myself out of a deep debilitating depression. Unfortunately, rekindling an old high school romance didn’t quite do the trick. Want more detail? Geez, read the archives.

3. Five snacks you enjoy.

Peanut M&Ms
Pizza
Ruffles Potato Chips w/French Onion Dip
Granola Bars
Ice Cream, particularly chocolate, even better with a ribbon of peanut butter through it.

4. Five songs you know all of the lyrics to.

Amazing Grace
Jesus Loves Me
The B-I-B-L-E
Blest Be the Ties That Bind
In the Garden

If you sense a theme here (hey, dem’s all church songs!) you’re very astute. Although I would like to say I know all the words to my favorite secular songs, alas that wouldn’t be the truth. The above are songs that either (1) I’ve sung as solos (AG and ITG) so I had to memorize, (2) I’ve sung so many times in Sunday School and VBS as a kid (and adult helper) that I couldn’t possibly forget them (JLM and TB) or (3) I’ve sung so many times in church as a high schooler after communion every month that it is stuck in my head forever (BBTTTB).

5. Five things you would do if you were a millionaire.

Donate a bit to a charity dedicated to helping children growing up in poverty.
Buy season tickets to the Illini basketball games.
Host a large Thanksgiving dinner each year for those in my community without anyone to share Thanksgiving with.
Hire a private tutor for N to supplement his learning.
Invest as much of the million as possible as wisely as possible to make the other things possible.

6. Five bad habits.

Procrastination
Eating too much junk food and too little real food
Spending too much time on the computer
Worrying
Sleeping in on Sundays instead of going to church.

7. Five things I like doing.

Spending time with N
Spending time with BJ
Walking the dog
Playing on the computer
Sleeping in on Sundays.

8. Five things I would never wear again.

I’m sorry I’ve racked my brain here and can’t think of anything that I absolutely wouldn’t wear again. Every time I think I think of something I can then think of an exception when I would wear it so I guess I’m the kind of weirdo who would wear just about anything given the right circumstances.

9. Five favorite toys.

You will soooooo be able to tell I have a son by these answers, but honest to goodness, I have as much or more fun than he does with some of these:
Gameboy Advance
Lincoln Logs
Transformers (I know, I know, but dang I’m fascinated how it can go from airplane to truck to robot and back)
Legos
KitchenAid Mixer (well, I am a little girly after all)

Timing is Everything

So I've come back around to the thought that I must leave W. (Haven't we been here before? Over and over? Will I ever quit going back and forth round and round?)

So how and when to do it? It seems to me that talking to W about it would be better without N around. It isn't the kind of conversation you have with kids around. Within the next month, there will be two opportunities when N is away at camp.

The first camp starts on W's birthday and runs for 4 days. "Happy birthday and it's all over between you and me." Hmm. . .

The second camp runs one week and covers our wedding anniversary. "Happy anniversary and oh, by the way, it's the last one we'll celebrate." Hmm. . .

I'm leaning towards the anniversary week. Somehow closing the same week it opened seems like the right timing.

Dang, Had to Steal Another Meme

Once again All of Her Secrets has posted a fun meme so, as is my duty, I'm stealing it for my very own.

Go to this page of quotations and choose five that speak about your life right now. Tag 5 people. I'm not going to tag anyone, but please, feel free to steal. After all, I did! :)

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), (attributed)

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900)

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
Garrison Keillor (1942 - )

If there was strife and contention in the home, very little else in life could compensate for it.
Lawana Blackwell, The Courtship of the Vicar's Daughter, 1998

All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!
Bob Newhart (1929 - )

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

This morning as I was getting dressed (W was downstairs puttering around) N came in and sat on the bed. He started the conversation like this, "Do you remember when you asked me about divorce? My answer is yes."

Well, now that's an interesting opening line for my son to make. I thought back to a few months ago when I broached the subject with N after he had asked about the counseling W and I were attending. At the time I asked him about wouldn't he rather W and I work to keep things together than get a divorce. At that time, he agreed with me. So I was curious where this conversation was going.

I asked him for clarification, and he told me that if W and I divorced he thought it would be a good thing and that he wanted to live with me and visit W. He even had his own ideas about what the visitation schedule ought to be! We sat and talked for a while with me doing more listening than talking. I wanted to know what led him to his conclusion. During the conversation he shared that he just didn't think his dad would ever change, that W would always yell at him and call him names (yes, I cringe, but W does have a tendency toward namecalling and doesn't understand why others are hurt by it). I hugged N and told him I'm trying to make things better and reminded him that W and I have been in counseling. He again said that W doesn't change. He also told me that W had told him that until he had the courage to tell me about what went on when I'm not at home that nothing would change. I thought that part was very odd.

N went on to say, "You won't get married again will you if you and Dad divorce?" I said I wasn't sure, that if I found a man I loved I just might. So we talked about that for a while. He brought up a friend of his whose mom remarried, and I pointed out what a neat guy she had married and how his friend and he both really liked the friend's stepdad. He said yes, and that if I found a guy as neat as his friend's stepdad it would be okay to remarry.

Interesting, huh? Yeah, kids pick up on a whole lot more than we give credit. Oh yes they do.

The Big Conversation

“W, we need to talk. I want to get things aired out once and for all and have everything out in the open.”

He sits, ashen faced.

“First, I want you to know I am going to be very honest and straight forward here. I am not pulling any punches, not making things different than how I really see them. If you don’t believe me then that is on you, not on me.”

He continues to look quietly concerned.

“Here it is. When we were first together I truly thought that I would love you forever, that what we had would go on forever. You were older, more mature than other guys I dated. You put me on a pedestal. How could I not adore that? How could a young lady not be swayed by that?”

He interjects, “But I asked you over and over if you really truly wanted to be there. I didn’t want this to happen sometime in the future. You promised me it wouldn’t.”

“Yes I made a promise that I couldn’t, or didn’t, keep. But you made promises too, or representations at least that did not turn out to be kept. While you talked a good game, and made all kinds of statements about appetite and desire and adventure, those turned out to be just talk for the most part. Also, years ago when things didn’t work as well as you wanted them to rather than trying to do other things to keep the relationship going you withdrew. That hurt. That hurt a lot. I tolerated it for many years, too many years. I want out now. I want to move on before we spend more years in intolerable conditions. I am too tired to tolerate it any longer, and I do not have enough patience left to give you the room anymore to make changes. Why did it have to get to such a monumental crisis point for you to make any efforts? And why is it that the efforts that you are making are not the ones for which I am asking? I must conclude from this that our wants and needs and desires are just too incompatible for it to work. I’ve tried to make it work. I have tried, for years. Now, when I’m ready to give up trying you claim to be ready to try. But things don’t change. We make wonderful friends. We can be so good for each other in some ways, but not in the ways that make a marriage. We don’t have a marriage anymore. We have a parenting partnership. That’s it. That is the sum total of our existence anymore. That’s okay, but it isn’t enough for me. I need a passionate loving relationship with someone, and I no longer even want to try to get that back with you. I want to move on, but I don’t want to just leave you behind. I would like you to stay in the area. Perhaps we could purchase a small place near here, and you could be there for N and for me, to help with things when we need help. I could be here for you and help with things when you need help. I don’t want to lose your friendship, and I certainly don’t want N to lose his father. But we need to move on in independent lives. It just doesn’t work for me to wait for you any longer. I need to be free. I need to be able to pursue my life independently from you.”

Okay, so that is how I imagine it going. Anybody think I could get through that whole speech without giving in to his sad eyes, his guilt-inducing interjections, his threats to leave the country?

Oh wait. You thought I was reporting what already happened? No, just rehearsing, trying out the speech that I hope to get the gumption to give soon.

Dreamin’ Again

Not good dreams though. Oh no. I’m having nightmares, ever since moving into the new house with W. Last night’s was the worst it has gotten. I think I combined in my psyche some of the drama reported by Freebird along with some recent conversations with BJ plus some of my own thoughts and angst over my situation to come up with the following dream. Some pieces, by the way, are kind of fuzzy in my mind, and as with many dreams, some of it makes little sense, but I’ll record it the best I can as I remember it.

The Dream
BJ and I want to meet for a weekend together. I am trying to find a way to make it happen. W and I are not getting along well and are arguing about lots of little things that don’t really mean anything. I am getting more and more frustrated with him. We are walking around outside, and one of my frustrations is his battered old van in the driveway (hey, just like real life!). I want him to sell it and give up driving. He doesn’t want to lose his independence. We are sitting on a stone wall near the house, not our house but a house of some relative of W’s where we are living, as we are having the discussion. There was some concern on my part about my cell phone, but that part is very fuzzy and I can’t remember what the concern was, but I remember I kept looking at the display on the phone as though I was waiting for a call maybe. One of his relatives (not sure her relation as she isn’t anyone I know in real life although I have a mental image of her plain as day – older, tall, thin, pinched face, dark hair) walks by and makes some snarky comment about me being a slut. Somehow W and I end up in the living room of the house with this relative, and she starts telling him all sorts of things about me, and what I’ve been up to in the last year or so with stunningly accurate detail although she didn’t seem to know about BJ, just my other activities. She is calling me all sorts of derogatory names. During the discussion one of the Ballwin brothers (yes, the actors, Stephen I believe, I know it wasn’t Alex) walked down the hallway and popped his head in just long enough to ask me if I would meet him that evening at a bar a short distance away. I told him I wasn’t sure I could, but I would try. I mostly said that for the benefit of riling W and his relative, since obviously I was a slut anyway so I might as well live up to the reputation. The relative went on and on, W said nothing, and finally I got up and went to my bedroom. I laid out some clothes and went to the bathroom to take a shower. Upon getting out of the shower W was in the bedroom. As I got dressed he followed me around trying to talk to me. I told him I couldn’t stay in the house another minute with her (meaning the relative that was badmouthing me), and that I was going away for the weekend. He wanted to know where I was going, and I told him I didn’t know, just away (although I really knew I was going to be with BJ). He continued to follow me around, all the while with the sad-eyed look that he always gets when we discuss our marital problems. He was going on and on about how can we make this better, how can he make me happy enough at home, how could I do this to him, blah, blah, blah. I was packing up my car when I finally awoke with a start.

It is one day, probably sooner than later, all going to come to a head in real life. I feel it. I feel it deep down inside. The question is do I initiate it, or do I let it all roll over me as I did in my dream?