Monday, October 22, 2007

Can’t. . . Let. . . Go. . .

I hate this. Hate it, hate it, hate it. So BJ wants me to come see him for a weekend, and I jump at the chance, agreeing to go visit him in two weeks.

I keep reciting to myself something I read on another blog, I think it was All of Her Secrets, about not allowing someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. That’s good advice. It is. I am pretty much ignoring it totally. BJ is my priority. He wields the power. I feel as though I have made myself too weak and too vulnerable here, and just as I knew would happen now I’m starting to feel resentful over it.

Here’s the thing. BJ is going to be BJ no matter what. Like it or not, this is who he is. Accept it or not. I’m not strong enough to just say well here is who TS is, and I’m going to be TS no matter what. Like it or not, this is who I am. Nope, instead I say oh I’ll do anything to prove to you I’m worthy of you. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. Weak. Very weak position. And I hate myself for it. I hate that I do that. I am completely disgusted with myself. When I look at it through rational eyes I can see that I’m being a complete idiot. I get the feeling that no matter what I do, it isn’t going to be enough. Somehow I’m always going to fall short, never quite be that perfect match for him that he so much wants. Once again I fall victim to me subjugating my own wants, needs and desires for someone else. The difference this time is that rather than feeling like I have to do that it is making me angry because I know that I don’t have to do that. Why the hell should I be the one to make all the sacrifices, accept everything without question, while not receiving the same consideration? Why indeed!

Part of me is screaming “Walk away from this! Now! Stop it!” On the other hand, there is the part that doesn’t want to lose BJ. Then I ask myself why not? Why should I want to hold onto him? Why should I want someone who wants unconditional acceptance but won’t offer it back? WTF is wrong with me?

So where will I go from here? Don’t know. Will I follow through and spend a weekend with him? Don’t know. Will I back out from a position of strength or weakness? Don’t know. Will I be happy with and proud of the decisions I make? Don’t know.

17 comments:

The Silent Male said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Silent Male said...

Going back to the opening of this post where you talked about BJ wielding the power. I had this image of the man standing on some rock and holding his sword up and saying "I have the power"
Yes, you may laugh now at the He-Man reference (and you may picture him naked, and use your imagination on the sword he is holding).
Anyway. Maybe you'll go through with it, see him, have sex (as much as you can cram into the time spent with him), or spend the time talking, or get cold feet and not see him. It isn't a matter of something wrong with you, you want something, and you want it from him. Unfortunately, we just can't always get what we want.
Just from me though, I hope whatever you do, you have some fun (and I won't deny hoping that it is the getting laid kind of fun I am hoping you'll get).

Serenity said...

Having just read his blog i would suggest he is using you for sex. So go, as long as you are aware that things are not in any way equal. If you are comfortable with that then go for it. But you HAVE to realize he has moved on from you. He is not dwelling on you like you are dwelling on him, and that has to be acknowledged somehow, my dear.

Bunny said...

When I look at it through rational eyes I can see that I’m being a complete idiot.

The hard part is letting the rational rule the heart. I have no answers for how to do that.

Summer said...

Don't go. From what I read on his blog, he's not worth it. You can do better. Just my opinion.

The Silent Male said...

Could someone point me to his blog? I would love to get more info on this story too. You know, so when I offer to help, I have more information to help with.

Trueself said...

SM - Hmm, I hope I have some fun too. Just not sure anymore that fun is what BJ and I have. Sorry I don't have a link to BJ's blog on my sidebar anymore, but I'm trying to wean myself from reading it. It is wanderinghubby.blogspot.com (if I was smarter I'd know how to make that a link).

Serenity - He is definitely not dwelling on me like I am dwelling on him. Now I just have to decide if I can go spend a weekend, have fun, and let it go at that. Hmm. . .

Bunny - If I ever find the answers I'll be sure to share.

Summer - Must keep telling myself that: "I can do better. I can do better. I can do better." New mantra.

Serenity said...

Well i am pretty sure you cannot go and just have a good time and leave it there but it is ultimately up to you. It's not like you need him for the sex, you have the FWB... but he needs YOU for the sex, do you want to fill that role for him? A guaranteed lay? YUK!
It might not hurt to read his blog to see what a putz he has become...
For heavens' sake, have a little self-respect, girl. This feels so wrong on so many levels.
Ok, lecture # 45 over!

freebird said...

TS, I *think* I found BJ's blog even before I started reading yours - and we've been paddling alongside each other for a while now, haven't we girl? But he's always struck me as the sort of guy that thinks the world owes him something while he just sits and whines endlessly about not having what he wants and refuses to make any effort to earn it. Sorry - I know, he's the man you love, sorry. But honestly, TS, why do you want someone like that?
Yes, you can do better.
(There, I've said it!)

Emily said...

You know, if you decide not to go, there's no reason why you won't keep up your bond with BJ in some form, over the longer term.

Maybe you need to just have some time out from him for a while. The trouble with these very unequal relationships is that they are very compelling. Keeping pursuing a person who is losing interest in you just makes the compulsion stronger, leaving you feeling emptier each time.

Fiona said...

Why do you say you'e the one making all the sacrifice in this relationship TS?

Trueself said...

Serenity - You've really got to learn to speak your mind. ;-) You do make good points though, and I'm seriously rethinking (not just because of your comments of course) what I'm going to do here.

FB - I think you have him pegged pretty well. I think I gave in (as usual) to my tendencies to want to help everyone see the world as a better place. However, (as usual) you can't help those who are determined not to be helped.

Emily - As always, your comment reflects your wisdom. Your last sentence is right on target, a dead on bullseye.

Fiona - Because I have offered to him recently on a number of occasions to basically give up everything except N to be with him, to walk away from my new job that I love and this town where I'm happy and comfortable. I have offered to accept what I previously thought I couldn't, like the lap band surgery. I have offered, and have been serious in my offers, and been pushed away. It is never going to be enough no matter what I do, and he does not offer to sacrifice for me. In spite of being unfulfilled in his job he will not leave it for me. He will only leave it if he has something as good or better waiting for him. While I am willing to take risks for him, he is not willing to do the same for me. While I am willing to accept things that I don't like in order to be with him, he does not offer to do the same for me.

The rose colored glasses are off, and the world looks a whole lot different.

Fiona said...

It helped me to understand, seeing all that written out, as I don't believe it has been before. The last time I asked why you wouldn't move, you said you would not leave your job, your new home and disrupt N.

You know, at the end of the day, you'll do what you want to do. Noone is making you do anything and no comment here can change your mind for you. You may not feel good about yourself afterwards but maybe at some point you'll say 'no more'. It can take a lot to get to that place but many of us do. I hope you do too.

I feel sometimes that beyond this 'people will damn well accept me for who I am, and I'm comfortable with who I am', you are a hurting, insecure woman inside, TS, and you are looking for, and accepting, affection, or anything that might be interepreted, however loosely, as such.

I read your words and hear you speak from a point of strength, but then you turn around and do something that contradicts what you say.

TS, I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I read you every day, practically, and I see this happening time and time again.

Hugs.

Trueself said...

Fiona - No, I don't think you are being harsh. I think you are right on target. You are exactly right that there are times when I speak from a position of strength, after I've mustered the courage to do so, and then later, in my weaker moments, turn around and do something quite the opposite. It is all part of my trying to grow up and mature and not quite getting there. . . yet. I am still a work in progress. The good news there is that there is still hope that I will eventually get to a better place!

Fiona said...

I'm glad you feel that way TS. There IS a better place and it does take work. But it's there and you'll get to it. We get battered easily but in time we get there. And you know, the journey is a critical part of it. The events along the way help to form us.

Good luck :)

Andrea said...

Before you reengage with BJ, ask yourself, what purpose does it serve? Please don't go. -Andrea

Trueself said...

Andrea - If I go, and I still haven't decided that yet, it will at this point to be able to talk to him face to face, to either see if there is something there worth saving or if it is time to just go ahead and say goodbye.