Thursday, October 04, 2007

How Do I Not Care?

In spite of whatever issues are between us, and make it impossible for us to be together, I just cannot not care about BJ. I do care. I care very much. I want him to be happy, and to be healthy, and to have a life that is pleasing to him. I can’t just stop loving the man.

Sometimes I hate that compassionate streak in myself. Sometimes I wish I could look at things more coldly and analytically and make decisions based on logic and analysis of the data and not let my squishy compassionate feelings and emotions get in the way.

I am a nurturer, a caretaker, someone who wants to help however I can help. Tough love ain’t my bag.

And all of this drivel is just leading up to a bigtime confession here. Although I am 100% absolutely without a doubt against the whole idea of the procedure, I am going to be there for BJ when he has it done and stay with him a few days after to make sure he is okay. Why? Because I care. Because I love him and want him to be well cared for, and I don’t want anyone else but me to be the one caring for him. Because I would wish that there would be one person somewhere out there in the world who would do the same for me.

I really am no good at this not caring stuff, am I?


Stinkypaw said...

Do you care for him or you care to give? I don't know if I'm clear here? I was told that I was doing certain things (like caring) out of selfishness, i.e. because it made "me" feel good... I was wondering if you wanted to be there for him because you didn't anybody else "in place" of you... Do I make sense?

BTW, I don't doubt your feelings for BJ.

Jaded Bunny said...

That last paragraph was a lot about YOU.

What does HE want?

Trueself said...

SP - I'm not entirely certain I'm understanding you so if my answer here doesn't answer your question, please try again.
I'm sure that at least partially I am doing this for me. Yes, I suppose it is selfishness of a sort. Then again, that is how I tend to be with people in general, compassionate and ready to lend a hand.

JB - Good question. What does HE want? By way of answering that I quote from an email he sent me this morning:
"I look forward to having you come out while I'm having that done. It will be great seeing you again!! Thank you."
So I guess he's okay with it.

Serenity said...

There is a happy medium between "tough love" and completely subsuming your own needs in the needs of others.
You can care as much as you want to, but you don't necessarily have to act on that feeling if it means you will get hurt. And i don't see you not getting hurt by him. If you ended it for what are valid reasons, then any contact, even in the name of caring is going to hurt you.
K, shutting up now. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Hi True
After reading your last few posts, I have come to the conclusion that I have experiences in my life that I think could really help you through this. We are talking about lots of conversations though. Would you like to try? If so, I'll send you an e-mail.
PS. No promises though, I know there is so much more than you could put in these last few posts, so I know I have limited information to base my conclusion on.

Kitty said...

babes, you do seem to suck at not caring. but that is good. because to care is wonderful.

Trueself said...

Serenity - Don't ever, ever, ever shut up. I value your opinion even if I don't always agree with it. It is surprising to me how much calmer I am now about the whole break up and the need to give up on him. I do still want to be there for him for this though. Maybe that's not a good thing, but I intend to do it anyway.

SM - Yes, please. Any insight you can share would be most welcome. Send that email!

Kitty - I tend to think it's a good thing too. Not everyone else seems to agree. Glad to know there are others though that do.

mistress said...

It just seems you are taking pains to insinuate yourself into his life again. Probably not good for either of you.

mia said...

Just wanted to stop by and say that those Illini are kicking ass right now! What a game against Wisconsin. Next week they are going to trample Iowa. :)

freebird said...

Well of course you care, it's only natural - you've been in love with the guy for goodness knows how long, you can't just switch off the caring. Maybe you never will, even if you do eventually part company permanently.
I'm just worried that in going to be with him you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak again. Who's going to look after YOU then?

Trueself said...

Mistress - Yes, I am, admittedly not a good strategy. I never said I was good at taking care of myself, just others.

Mia - Yes they will as long as they don't get too cocky.

FB - I'm just worried that in going to be with him you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak again. Who's going to look after YOU then?
Yes, I worry about that too, very much. Nobody seems to ever volunteer for that duty.