Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Heartbreaking

W, as seen through my eyes last night during counseling:

He is aging, and he doesn’t like it.
When pushed he is forced to admit that his driving skills are inadequate to continue driving on a regular basis.
He feels defeated. . .
And useless. . .
And scared. . .
He’s afraid that his life is nearly over.
He is afraid that he is going to be abandoned, discarded like an old shoe, by me.

It is heartbreaking.

And yet I can’t bring myself to say the words that would comfort him most.
I can’t tell him that I will stay at his side forever.
Not that I won’t.
I may.
I just can’t bring myself to commit to that.
Even though that is exactly the commitment I made over 19 years ago.
“In sickness and in health”
“In good times and in bad”
“Until death us do part”

Heartbreaking.

4 comments:

Selena Kitt said...

heartbreaking indeed :(

Serenity said...

I don't think you can leave W without a backwards glance; i don't think you could make a clean guilt-free break. I do think you need to start making a life for yourself beyond him, though, outside the marriage. Stop chasing after BJ, that ship has sailed, move on, look for someone who suits you better and treats you better. You can have a bit on the side, easily enough without bailing on W.
There, all fixed, aren't i smart and just full of... advice??? :)

freebird said...

As you know I'm facing some similar struggles. I don't know if your W is older than Mr B but he certainly sounds like an older and less able man and that must make it hard for you. Actually, I was going to say a lot of what Serenity says, but she got there before me!

Trueself said...

SK - Indeed.

Serenity - Why yes you are just full of... advice. It is good advice though. I really think it is.

FB - Yes, I'm pretty sure W is older than Mr. B. Mid-70's. Many health problems so I'm sure he is also less able than Mr. B.