Saturday, October 20, 2007

Things We Hide Even From Ourselves

Interesting that no matter how many times I claim that this blog holds the deepest and darkest thoughts, the absolute worst of me, I find that it does not. The reason it does not is because there are truths that I hide even from myself. There are things that maybe I know deep down but don’t want to admit even to myself.

As a child, I was the kid that was picked on by the majority of the other kids. I was the oddball, and to deal with this I developed a way of putting up a thick wall between me and the world. I would say that I didn’t care what others said about me and in time I internalized that well enough to believe it myself. I bought my act, at least on the surface. I saw myself as tough, resilient; better than those people who sought to bring me down. On the inside however I believed the things said by those other kids. I believed that I was weird and fat and unlovable and unworthy of having friends. Deep down I believe that I have to settle for whatever the world gives me because I am unworthy of asking for more.

I am always surprised when someone likes me. I am always surprised when people are willing to include me in their get togethers. I am always surprised when anyone says they find me attractive or interesting. I am never surprised to get snide comments from others. I am never surprised for people to treat me badly. I walk out into the world expecting to be despised just for existing.

For those of you who comment kindly to me here, there is always a part of me that says to myself “well, they wouldn’t be so kind if they really knew me.” For those of you who comment less than kindly to me here, I believe every word you say to me for it reinforces who I’ve known I am for most of my life.

It is a struggle every day of my life to get out of bed and face the world. I want to believe that I have good qualities, that people just don’t appreciate me. What I do believe is that the world sees through me and knows me and knows the bad qualities I have. I repeat cycles over and over, running from man to man as though there were validation to be had there. I run away when anyone, other than the one I’m wanting at the moment, tries to get too close. I want to find someone with whom I can just be myself and be loved and accepted, but I don’t want to expose myself to too many people, just to that one who will understand. More and more I think that person does not exist. More and more I truly think that I am alone in the world. Utterly and completely alone.

I fantasize about how one day, something is going to happen, somehow, to give me the knowledge I need and the ability I need to be able to be a real person, a person worthy of dignity and respect and caring. The longer I live the more I wonder if that will ever happen, and the more convinced I become that it will never happen.

Bottom line:
I like the person that I am. I just wish it were okay with the rest of the world that I be the person that I am. I wish it weren't a bad thing to be me. Does that make any sense? No, it doesn’t to me either, but it is the feeling I have in the core of my being.


Bunny said...

You said "I like the person that I am." But before that you said Deep down I believe that I have to settle for whatever the world gives me because I am unworthy of asking for more.

Clearly you DON'T always like the person that you are - but you are a wonderful person who deserves wonderful things. I think a lot of the world believes that and YOU are the one who needs to be convinced.

Hugs and kisses, TS. As Stuart Smalley would say "You are good enough, you're smart enough, and, darn it, people like you."

Anonymous said...

It is just like in 'Pretty Woman' when Julia Roberts said the bad things are easier to believe (or something like that - I haven't seen the movie recently).

I think every person experiences believing finds the bad things easier to believe instead of the good things. But like muscles (you know, some people have bigger muscles than others), the ability to not let the bad things stick varies from person to person.

Believing bad things is a really normal human response. Which makes you a normal person, that might also explain your sex drive (referring to recent posts).

Trueself said...

Bunny - Yes, I personally like who I am. However, I recognize that the world doesn't and deems me as unworthy. I don't always like some of the things I do (see today's post as prime example) and yet I still like who I am. Writing it I can see that it doesn't appear to make a lot of sense and yet somehow it is what it is. Don't know that I can explain it adequately.

SM - Me? Normal? I'm flattered.