Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Love Lies Bleeding

I'm in a demanding mood so I want you to follow directions with this post. Oh, don't try to get out of it now. You showed up, you're here, you will do as I say now. So click on this video and ignore the video. Listen to the music as you read the post. It's a long song (actually two songs together) so read slowly, savor what you read, and if necessary read it a second time. Read it in the tone set by the mood of the music.

Remember that anger phase?

It is alive and well and . . . well . . . angry.

I wish to shout from the rooftops:
Does he not realize what he has given up?
Does he not realize that with but a few compromises on both our parts he could have had exactly what he whines incessantly on his blog about not having?
What the fuck is wrong with the man?
Does he not realize the wonderfulness that is me?

For all my self-deprecating humor, deep down I do know that I am fabulous on a level very few people understand. Obviously he is not one of those few.

Look out world. Trueself is about to be back out on the prowl, claws at the ready.

And what of W?

Well, what of him?

I have come around to simply announcing to him when I will be going out with friends. I do not share which friends, or where we are going, or anything of the sort. I simply come and go as I please, and he continues doing what he has always done, meaning that he comes and goes as he pleases too. Two separate lives lived in one house with occasional shared meals and trips. That’s all there is to that. You can’t tell me that is so awfully different from other marriages, not all other marriages, but certainly some and I suspect many.

I’ve certainly had the example set for me in my parents’ own marriage, as well as one set of grandparents and various aunts and uncles. Apparently wanting to be together is not nearly as important as staying together in spite of whatever happens. At least that’s the ideal held up as the golden grail in my family. There isn’t anything much worse than divorce in my family. Well, unless you count unfaithfulness leading to divorce.

Why upset the apple cart if I can carve out the freedom I need to play when I want to play? It isn’t as if I’m going to open my heart to anyone else again. Not on your life, not for a long time to come, not until N is grown and on his own. By then chances are W will have passed away, and there will be nothing to come between me and loving a man or woman and being loved in return. I’ll be able to retire by then and not be tied down to anyone or anything, and then I can live again. I just have to survive until then, and I can. I’m strong. I’ll continue to fight the battles for W to treat N as a son should be treated. I’ll continue to hold the “family” we have together. In the meantime, I’ll just go out with various and sundry people to have various and sundry fun, just enough to put the occasional smile on my face. Love will be an emotion to be packed away in a box on a high shelf and saved for possible use later. I’m tired of loving and can’t seem to find anyone who will love me the way I desire to be loved so better to stash it away for now. Ratchet down the emotions if I can to live an even and peaceful existence without the swings of the highs and the lows that go with unabated feelings.

So yes indeed, watch out world. One heartless, cold bitch on the prowl headed towards you, taking what I can get while I can get it.

Yeah right I talk a good game, but it’s all talk. I’ll feel better soon and be back to my old self. I can only dream of the above. I’m sure the reality will be much different, but right now it’s the anger speaking. It’s the anger from which I can’t free myself right now that is throwing it’s might around causing temper tantrums in all directions like debris from a tornado blowing through a trailer park.

Okay, now that you've read the post finish listening to the first piece. Once it is finished play the one below.

Now you've experienced the mood swings that are occurring within me multiple times per day. Welcome to Trueself's World.


Val said...

Great post, hon. But you're right, those couples who are "best friends & lovers" seem to be the most elusive type of mythical creature there may be...
Take my own marriage for instance (please!) -- I solemnly swear I'll carve out a small bloc of time today for my thoughts on our 5th Anniversary (the Wooden One, how completely apt!).
On to work for now, luv Val

Val said...

P.S. I'm a fast reader -- sorry I didn't have time to click on your 2nd video clip ;-)

Anonymous said...

It does not sound too different from my own world (the one in my head). My marriage is stable, but the emotions in my head are pretty much on mute.

Trueself said...

Val - "the Wooden One, how completely apt!" Sorry girlfriend, but I couldn't resist laughing when I read that.
And even if you didn't read fast it would be hard to read this post slowly enough for a 10 minute piece of music. FYI, second video was Neil Sedaka's "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" the slow version.

SM - Perhaps you could teach me the fine art of muting one's emotions. I haven't quite mastered it yet.