Thursday, October 25, 2007

Let's Ring in an HNT

I've been looking at my wedding ring set a lot lately. There it is. These rings have an interesting history. They are bugging me in the present. In the future I would like to be rid of them and the marriage they represent.

When W and I got married we did so pretty much as a spur of the moment thing. We decided on Wednesday to get married and were married that weekend in the cheesiest chapel in Reno, NV. Because of the short notice and our limited financial resources at the time we had no rings. I spent the first few months of married life unringed. Then somehow we got some catalog pushing cheap jewelry, and W thought it would be great to order rings for both of us from there. We did. We followed the cheesiest wedding ever with the cheesiest rings (NOT the ones in the picture above) ever. Not only did the finish wear off fairly quickly, they turned my finger the loviest shade of green. I was embarassed by my wedding ring set at that time, but W seemed to think they were fine so I shut up and left it alone. Finally, after he inherited some money several years into the marriage he agreed to buy real rings for the both of us. We discussed how much we could spend and at first he thought about $500. I eventually got him up to $1,500 for both my wedding set and his band so that allowed me to get a real diamond instead of synthetic. I always kind of resented how difficult it was to talk him into letting me have a real diamond. We went to a local jeweler and first picked his band so we'd know how much we had left for my set. At my urging we made a production of putting the rings on each other's fingers at dinner at a nice local restaurant. That's the history -- I sure know how to make a short story long, huh?

For a long time I rarely took my rings off, only when I did something messy in the kitchen like kneading bread dough. I have left them on during every extramarital tryst. BJ would sit and hold my hand and fiddle with my rings and talk about me wearing his rings someday. He made me believe that he really did want for us to marry, and we talked of our wedding often. When J took his wedding band off after he'd been separated for several months we discussed wedding rings and when the right time is to take them off and how it symbolizes giving up on the marriage. When I was with K last week he made no mention of my rings, but I looked at them several times and thought how inappropriate they seemed there on my finger while I indulged in carnal pleasures with another man. Interesting that of all the pieces to the situation it was the rings on finger that seemed inappropriate to me.

Those rings that I longed for so much during the early part of my marriage have become such a burden. Now I long to be rid of them. I read in others' blogs sometimes that spouses take off their wedding rings when they are angry as some sort of message to the other spouse. I never even imagined doing such a thing. Once I take these rings off it will not be to send a message to W, it will be because the marriage is truly over and done with. By the time they come off, it will be no surprise to him as it will happen when we file for divorce, or when he dies if I continue to stall for too long.


Anonymous said...

A few years back, for our anniversary, my husband gathered up all my old jewelry collecting dust and had them reset. This also included the wedding ring off my finger. It was rather nerve wracking as I had no say in the process. I held my breathe when I opened the box, but I found it lovely and sentimental beyond reason. I have very little family, and no siblings, so all I really have to cherish is memory and old wedding rings I had inherited. The new ring was set with my great grandmothers, my grandmothers, and my mothers diamonds,also the diamonds from my own ring, a make up diamond from a bad place in our marriage and a brand new diamond to bring it full circle. I don't look at it as a wedding ring, but more of a journey ring symbolizing my life , or an eternity ring for when I pass it too my daughter. The setting it's self, reflects my feelings of continuum. Perhaps when the time comes, you can reset your wedding ring to symbolize a new beginning. Just a thought.

Bunny said...

I read in others' blogs sometimes that spouses take off their wedding rings when they are angry as some sort of message to the other spouse.

Are you talking about moi? LOL

My mom hasn't taken her rings off, through thick and thin, in over 40 years (married 44 years). The hospital wanted to cut them off when she was in the hospital with cancer and she said she'd die first. She almost did, but those rings are still there!

My PiC gets antsy if I DON'T have my ring on - like I'm going to expect more of him if my husband is out of the picture. Now I take it off when I meet him just to freak him out momentarily. I'm such a bitch. :-)

I actually miss my ring if I don't have it on, no matter how crummy things are with Spousehole. When I broke off my first engagement to my college sweetheart, the hardest part was giving the ring back. I loved wearing it and it felt like a part of me.

Don't take it off until you are good and ready. It's a symbol of what you once had, even if that is gone now.

Anonymous said...

In my first marriage, I also only removed my ring when I had to (messy places, or places where wearing a ring is dangerous and could cost you the entire finger). When the marriage was in truth at an end (only the paperwork was left to take care of), I took off the ring for the last time and dropped in my soon to be ex-wife's jewelry box. I guess it was a cruel message to leave behind.
Neither of us has talked about it since, and we do stay in touch and talk (mostly in regards to our child).

Stinkypaw said...

Whichever comes first, right?

I never take off my ring either, and the thought of taking it off to prove a point never even occured to me...

Serenity said...

Would he notice if you took the rings off?

It was hugely symbolic to me when i stopped wearing my ring, but it was well into the irrevocable process when i did. It totally felt like no going back.

Which was a good feeling, by the way...

Trueself said...

Andrea - That may be a good idea, to take the diamond and have it reset once the marriage is over.

Bunny - Not only your blog, others too. I've been surprised how many people seem to wield that as a weapon.

SM - To me, you took your ring off at the right time, when the marriage was over. I don't even necessarily think that your disposition of it was all that bad. Who knows? Maybe she appreciated the keepsake.

SP - Right, whichever comes first.

Serenity - Oh yes, he would most definitely notice, and he would most definitely question me about it.